Tips for not wearing out your welcome

Auspice

@Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

@Ganymede said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

@A-B

I am repeating because I was probably lost in whatever the fuck just happened a couple of pages before.

Why have you chosen online text-based games as a way to stave off insanity from your isolation?

Online text-based games are one of the more accessible means to learn to become better at communication and social cues. You don't have to deal with any of the difficulties of interpreting body language or the intensely difficult task of figuring out the appropriate time to speak during verbal communication or the pressure of real time communication in general.

It's one of the few places in the world where it's possible to pretend to be normal.

As someone who struggles, immensely, with reading body language... this is very true. So very.

Yes, there's the lack of intonation to understand when someone is joking (for example), but I miss the same cue IRL so very often. Oh god so often.

surreality

<backspace backspace backspace> Nope, not today.

silverfox

I struggle so hard in a text based environment to understand cues. It's why I am DYING in this extended learning environment. I can look at a kid and know with about 90% accuracy what feeling they have. Give me an email from that kid and I have no clue.

Online I can't understand how anyone is thinking or feeling. I assume that is the same for everyone else. I try to be transparent about my emotions if they are going to be an issue.

That said? Everyone is going to read things through their own filter. I'll be upset but I can't really blame someone for interpreting my actions as unacceptable. Each game decides what is appropriate or acceptable or not. If I'm not, then I just need to go away. There is nothing I can do to not wear out my welcome on a place where there isn't a place for me. There doesn't HAVE to be a place for me. It is okay.

Groth

@silverfox said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

Online I can't understand how anyone is thinking or feeling. I assume that is the same for everyone else. I try to be transparent about my emotions if they are going to be an issue.

That said? Everyone is going to read things through their own filter.

So here's the problem you run into when you have a neuropsychological disorder. Because your brain is wired fundamentally differently from 98% of the rest of the population, when someone interprets you through their filter they're going to be wrong almost always.

Then they're going to use their wrong interpretation to very loudly and insistently argue that you are being manipulative because they at a fundamental level do not understand where you are coming from and they get backed up by the majority because they also do not understand.

It's intensely frustrating to a level that's hard to put into words and it happens constantly.

Ironically the solution here is to be less transparent about your emotions, always back down from any circumstance you may have to explain yourself because statistically it'll always make the situation worse. Being successful in online spaces as someone with high functioning autism involves building a mask that looks normal while not allowing any of your actual feelings and emotions through.

Deleted

@Groth I get accused of all sorts of shit constantly. The very same people who scream at me for how 'insensitive' I am being through what I think is innocuous chatter feel perfectly fine going on at length about what an asshole I am. Which is, of course. Extremely insensitive.

The hypocrisy is real.

surreality

@Groth I have been so galled by your interpretation of my words, and selectively ignoring things stated directly, that I wasn't going to bother replying to you further. It was very clear you had a unique interpretation that had no basis in reality, and I have limited patience when it comes to addressing that situation.

I cannot in good conscience remain silent on this point, and I must ask:

Is this advice you are dispensing information have received from professionals?

I am right there with you re: "they at a fundamental level do not understand where you are coming from and they get backed up by the majority because they also do not understand.

It's intensely frustrating to a level that's hard to put into words and it happens constantly."

It's dead on accurate.

This "pretend to have totally different feelings and do not attempt to connect with others based on your real ones" advice? Not something I've heard in decades of therapy, ever.

Being selective about who you do this with, when, and in what circumstances is a different animal. Is this what you actually mean here?

mietze

Generally people on mushes as a whole are not going to be a safe place for you to unload or express yourself fully in the moment of upset. I do think people who run into problems a lot fail to realize or accept this. And it is by no means limited to people who struggle with social cues; people who can function in public settings or at work or when they want to make a good impression can and do explode into tantrums, threats (against others, against the game, self-harm) on games because they lose sight of that (and the fact that other people are dealing with it, not just the computer).

tek

@mietze This was something I used to struggle with. I didn't realize that just because people wanted to play pretendytimes with me, it didn't mean that they were automatically my best friends and I could unload all of my shit onto them. That really extended to all sorts of social situations, and I've learned more about boundaries since then.

Groth

@Admiral said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

@Groth I get accused of all sorts of shit constantly. The very same people who scream at me for how 'insensitive' I am being through what I think is innocuous chatter feel perfectly fine going on at length about what an asshole I am. Which is, of course. Extremely insensitive.

The hypocrisy is real.

What I'm talking about is not hypocrisy, it's lack of understanding. Whatever accusation is leveled may just be accurate most of the time and in most contexts but neuroatypical people are an atypical context. For a normally functioning human being this isn't a big deal, their interpretation being wrong 2% of the time still leaves it perfectly capable of giving them good contextual understanding the other 98% of the time.

However on the other side of the equation that 2% is their life. Those 2% of situations where interpretations go wrong is their always.

Tinuviel

@Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

neuroatypical people are an atypical context

We're also not a monolithic structure that can be dealt with using generalisations.

Groth

@Tinuviel said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

We're also not a monolithic structure that can be dealt with using generalisations.

True

tek

@Tinuviel said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

@Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

neuroatypical people are an atypical context

We're also not a monolithic structure that can be dealt with using generalisations.

If you've met one neurodiverse person, you've met one neurodiverse person.

Tinuviel

The main thing for all of us whackos to remember is that even if we're suffering through a particularly strong episode, or whatever is going on with us, we are still responsible for our actions. Occasionally we will think, say, or do things that are obviously in violation of some social contract somewhere that doesn't need to be explained. That happens. That's life. We just have to deal with it.

The second most important thing everyone needs to remember is that being on a game is not a fundamental right. Neither is being given an explanation when we are escorted out. It might be nice to get an explanation, but it's not our right. Dealing with the emotional fallout of such a thing is our responsibility nobody else's.

kk

I had lots of issues. I got lots of help. Thank you mushing community for all the help! I complied a list of things that helped me. Maybe it will help others.

Don’t rp about anything one is ooc anxious or upset about. The rp can escalate and the bleed of ooc is often noticed.
Don’t tell people ooc you are sad/stressed etc about roleplay. It can pressure them to adapt to that.
Give lots of space to those who might be avoiding you. Don’t pose to them lots, contact them ooc or keep showing up where their character is.
Don’t contact people repeatedly or super quickly. (Paging as soon as they log on, poking them on discord then the game, etc) Also don't huge/cuddle and etc unless one is sure such is okay.
Be especially careful about tense rp that deals with romance/jealousy and etc. For some people (myself) the topic of romantic jealousy is best downplayed all together. .
Keep the channels turned off during stressful times on a game to avoid saying things you will regret or even to dodge being baited.
Ignore those who are trying to provoke one. Learn to walk away and turn the other cheek. Go find rp with those who want to rp with one instead.
Go ic only if available and page allow those you are up for talking to. Feel free to page block those who stress you out and poke ooc.
Learn to see things going wrong ic as an interesting story rather than an ooc slap in the face.
10, Remember that redemption rp can be amazing - It is good to keep that mind if things go horribly wrong.
11, Take a break short or long whenever the game is getting hard. Even just logging off for an hour and watching tv can help. Sometimes a longer break is needed though.
Find other social outlets even if they are really small. Easier than done in the time of Covid.
Get sunlight. It is easy for people on the spectrum to stay inside all the time and that lack of sunlight can increase anxiety/depression/hopeless/feeling unreal.
See counselor. I started to see a counselor who specializes in anxiety and it helped immensely. Appointments can be done remotely too.
Find other hobbies that one can do in addition to mushing - reading, watching tv, cooking, singing, learning a new language etc.
Get some physical activity - doing even a small amount of light activity can be very helpful to improving one’s mood and outlook.
Get sleep and at night if possible. When I got my most stressed on mushing I was working 11 pm to 7 am on a hospice unit. I didn’t sleep much.
Check to see if projecting - I got very sad about my patients who passed and much of that sorrow I projected into extreme emotions toward other things. Nothing is ever an excuse for bad behavior, but self awareness can help one find coping tactics.
Have a healthy diet: Eating junk can make one less healthy and more stressed and more emotionally fragile Some healthy proteins and veggies can do wonders.
Consider connecting with one’s faith/culture if it will help. This won’t help everyone and is really case by case.
Get back in touch with family if it will help. Again not for everyone, but can help some people.
Discover baths - they are super relaxing and helpful!
Consider Gardening! - it is outdoor activity that lends itself well to the time of social distancing and food shortages.
Also walks! - They are simple and get one out moving and in the sun.
Give back to one’s community - sewing masks, making disinfectant, delivering groceries to neighbors can help one feel connected in a time of crisis.
Get a pet - Pets are wonderful and don’t care if you are socially awkward. However it is important to provide any pet one takes with excellent care.
If one does apologize, never make excuses. There is no excuse for not treating someone else right. Nobody owes forgiveness. Keep any apologies simple, short and sincere. Be prepared not to be forgiven.
Remember actions speak louder than words - acting right for a period of time, maybe a long period of time will do more to show good than lots of msb posts or words.
Give back to a game as well - run prps, provide others with fun rp, make them pretty things - see what one can do to help others have fun.
It's okay if others get epic things you don’t get. Be chill. Be happy for them.
What others think o one is not one's business. Peeps are allowed to think bad of one. That is their right.
Can’t please or win over everyone - some people will always dislike one. That is okay. Find others.
Respect and uphold game rules a game posts. If one does not agree with staff/the rules. Find another game.
It is okay to be sad, depressed and to cry even about the game. But get off game until this passes.
One is the center of their story. Try not to get it stuck in one's head they need a certain person to include them or a certain invite into a special plot to have fun.
And probably the hardest thing to learn can be that it is not all about oneself. Everyone has their own issues and problems and their own limits. To be an upstanding member of the mushing community not only ask for empathy, but to give empathy.
Music - magical ,supernatural, beautiful, music has me believing in a god. It can very much effect one's mood. Nothing quite like logging off and dancing around to some music to get rid of mushing blues.
Cut back on the news is Covid Anxiety is a factor in any of this.

I hope this helps, it helps me, these are the 37 rules I try to follow! It is largely compiled from things other mushers told me while I was struggling and some comes from counsler and google. Some I read on msb.

I wish you every happiness and success AB. I hope you find wonderful rp in a community that works well for you. But even more so I hope your real life goes well. I am sorry you have had such a difficult time lately and I hope that things go better. I think they can go better.

surreality

@kk That is a really great list. Thank you for sharing it. If I ever try to cobble something together some day, I would love to steal lots of it to put in a resource section if you're cool with that.

Kanye Qwest

@kk hug

Sunny

@kk

That's a good list of rules for erryone in this hobby, up there with JC's guide to staffing. Well done.

Roz

@kk I am genuinely impressed at the clear work and effort you've put into building and internalizing this whole list. Kudos.

Meg

@kk this is lovely.

Auspice

@kk where's 37?