When I first read this thread, my intent was to apologize to @faraday - who I put in a terrible spot, because we had communicated numerous times as friends and I had worked within the framework of BSU to help her when I could. But my behaviour had put her in a position where she had to take an action, one that I forced her hand on, and I wanted to apologize to her about it.
I also wanted to offer a long-overdue apology to @cupcake for misjudging her, being abrasive and offensive to her and that I was genuninely sorry for what I had done to her.
As all these other people speak out, I realize that my behaviour has been reprehensible. I have done things that I was not proud of. I was so driven by wanting to be part of things and to win over some form of affection and respect that I clung to people unneccessarily - not just women, but anyone that would show a positive effect towards the things I did. I wanted the attention. I wanted to be the part of someone else's world while neglecting my own.
@tek, I apologize for what happened with Marcus and your char. I wasn't upset because you didn't want to talk to me on Skype, I was more frustrated at the fact that I didn't feel like I was doing a well enough job in a command position and instead of discussing it with you and figuring out a solution, I went balls out and made a fatal mistake in a scene that got my char killed. It wasn't suicide, but I let the chips fall where they may.
@Roz And you're right, it's not the first time I did that. I have a problem. I know this. I've been mysgonistic, I've been an asshole. I've not been the type of person that should be invited to sit at the gaming table. There are those on this thread that have made sure to add on - I can't apologize enough to everyone. I made a mistake. I've made several mistakes. I let what was going on in my head to crave attention and affection eat away at what I was doing and became a cretin and a creep. For that, I am truly sorry.
I am currently taking time to work on me. I have been seeing a counselor - which is what spawned this post in the first place. I have to admit to myself, God and others that I have a problem. I //have// a problem. And I'm going to take the time I need to work on myself and try to figure out how to straighten this - myself - out.
I did not come here to start a fight. I did not come here to defend myself - though I ended up doing so - that was a backslide on my part. I came here to ask for forgiveness. To admit that I was wrong. I did something terrible, horrible, and I cannot take back. I hurt people I truly did care about and because of the anomitity that the internet provides, I didn't consider the feelings on the other side of the screen. I am truly sorry, and humbled by the anger that I have created.
I do not know what the future is going to bring. I need time to figure that out. I've withdrawn from almost everywhere. I communicate with a few people that I am still close to. I let the want to be popular, to be wanted, take over what should have been common sense and a more open mind.
I owe a great many people apologies. This thread was going to be the start of that. Even @auspice - I know you may never forgive me, but I am sorry for putting you in the position I did, and that we came to such bitter words over it. I was wrong.
I hope someday, I can make it right - and be a useful person and a good citizen in the gaming community again. Until then, I apologize.