Battling FOMO (any game)

Cupcake

For me, FOMO is believing that my character has built her relationships to a certain level, only to realize that the esteem she holds for others is much higher than what's held for her. Finding out about things going on third hand, or group occurrences that include everyone, etc.

Of course, I have a pretty bad relationship with FOMO myself, from a lifelong history of "not being invited to things/not having people show up to my things". I generally have to try and disengage when that kind of thing happens or else I know I'm going to get ugly.

L. B. Heuschkel

@cupcake said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I generally have to try and disengage when that kind of thing happens or else I know I'm going to get ugly.

It's good to know when to walk away. But it's even better to not have to -- which is what I'm hoping for with this thread. To try to identify some of the issues, and some of the solutions. Not everything will work for everyone, and sometimes, the battle is lost.

But not always. I'm not going to pretend that after 35 years in the hobby in some form or other, I'm not still having a quiet moment of They invited ME!!! ZOMG!!!one! when someone sends me a note or a request for a scene. After all this time, I'm still genuinely surprised when someone actively seeks me out. And frankly, I think that goes for a lot of us. That we are not unwanted, but we let our brain weasels convince us that we are.

And that we let a few assholes convince us, too, because it takes just a few people with a bad attitude to render a game unplayable for a lot of us. We've certainly seen that happen over and over again.

I think one of the hardest lessons for me has been that everything is transient. People you play with today will be gone tomorrow. And keeping things alive for myself means a constant move towards getting to know and include the new people. There's no such thing as leaning back and just hanging with your friends because when you do -- you wake up one morning and realise it's gotten awful quiet in here and it's because everyone else left.

Not because they hate or dislike you. Just because something new and shiny happened over there, or life got in the way. In a way, inclusion is a constant quest to find new playmates and accepting that the present set will move on. It's not always easy, and I think a lot of us wax nostalgic about old days somewhere or other for exactly this reason.

Nessa

I've been in this hobby for ... 36-ish years in one way or another. Starting with play by posts and asynchronous BBS type games, to the evolution of real time, to the throwback to asynchronous play and then the dwindling population of the current era. When I had a crappy job, I played a lot, and was a leader of the pack. When I got a good job, my time dwindled. Now I have a good and busy job, I haven't experienced FOMO in a while even though I realize that I do miss out on things. A few things help me not have a FOMO experience.

I logout when I don't have time. I do not sit idle.
I never have an alt on any game. 1 character for my 1 player existence.
I build content that can work with anyone even if I have a particular person in mind.
I'm willing to jump in on scenes of any kind or type and see where the story goes (games with systems or not).
I gag or leave channels as soon as I have RP.

I do all of these for various reasons but I'll try and highlight why the habits work well for me and some others I know who do the same with regards to the above 5 things. Longer descriptions and reasons below:

If I don't have time to play I have limited time to fear I'm missing out on anything. By making an active choice of not being present that means I'm doing something else with my time. I actively do other things with my time (I take walks, I exercise in general, make food, etc lots of things prevent me from gaming but when I'm choosing to walk away, I'm really choosing to do something else). The more this is done, the better.
I don't want to contribute to the feeling of '40 people are doing something except me' when really it is often a handful of people doing something, many people idling (since they are alts) or groups of people who are all the same group of players are just circling in activity because their whatevers work together (time zones, coincidence, etc). I want to represent me, when I'm on, I'm a limited resource. I RP well, and I put myself online when I'm available, thus I get requests since someone hasn't seen me for a while, etc. This also helps me not feel like, I have 5 different choices and no one wants to play with all of them! That just means I'm not being played with 1x but feels like 5x. It also allows me to fully dive in and get to know other players - if you are a distracted RPer because you are on 5 alts, and you can't keep up? I'll soon learn that and be less incentivized to keep RPing with you with my limited time. Now, I'm not the one missing out, you are.
When running things, I know not everyone will show up. Life happens. So, if my content works ideally for 1 or a few people, but can work with anyone, I can run that scene I've prepared at the time I'm available. And, should I randomly be on and there's 4 other random folks who can play bam, and I've got the energy, I run it then. I don't wait. I can run other stuff later for whomever, this goes now. I don't often schedule things formally because of my times available to be online.
I find I have the most surprising RP when I'm just open to saying yes to available people. I'm online, I want to RP. If people are around, I'm jumping on them. If I keep doing this, my schedule will naturally mix with those I RP most often, my friends/relationships/enemies all develop organically from those I'm RPing with most often, etc etc etc. It just works better, and I can very quickly determine folks I might be wasting my time on.
I want to devote the time to RP, when I'm RPing. Not to random OOC stuff. I also don't want to feel buyer's remorse. I jumped into a coffee drinking get-to-know-you and then suddenly I hear about a plot and feel like Ugh, wish I could've been in that. No. I am glad that I got RP and I value all my character's growth even when social/smaller groups/etc.

Overall, jump into RP when you are available, leave the game when you aren't, avoid any kind of distraction that will downplay the play you have and get.

I know I've been on places with cliques, genuine circle RP games, and those have varied from games with systems (so DND/Shadowrun/Cyberpunk/etc) to games without. I know that other places may seem super active or have lots of things going on that I'm just missing out on but are really just 8 people with 5 alts each, and they all share the same times/etc. Those are just places where I need to leave. For the rest of the places I've been very successful with the above habits and a few others (not a lot) have also. Worth a try, your mileage may vary. Hope this helps someone out there with a FOMO.

Ganymede

@nessa said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I logout when I don't have time. I do not sit idle.

I never have an alt on any game. 1 character for my 1 player existence.

I build content that can work with anyone even if I have a particular person in mind.

I'm willing to jump in on scenes of any kind or type and see where the story goes (games with systems or not).

I gag or leave channels as soon as I have RP.

I live by these five practices.

L. B. Heuschkel

@nessa I feel the thing for me to take away from your post there is that you know what you want, and communicate clearly about it, and that you don't hinge your RP on specific other people.

Those are big deals. The last in particular is important -- to me -- to keep in mind when I run stories and plots. My story must not hinge on Joe and Bob being available. It needs to be possible for Sally and Sue to pick up, even if they weren't there for the earlier bits. If Joe and Bob don't turn up, hand Sally and Sue their own bits of plot so they have a reason to go talk to Joe and Bob, but also that they may attack the story quandary from their own angle.

There's never too many clues to hand out. Each character will have its own interpretation of what's going on. Customise a bit to their skill set and background, and you get overlapping threads that people can pursue and argue about. Communicating plot threads down the line, away from yourself, including more people.

Most plots do end up with a small handful of people making the final decisive choices in the end -- if for no other reason then because they were the ones signing on for the final Event. But before you get there, there's a long stretch of road where a lot of RP can be had, and a lot of people can be connected. I can only speak for myself (obviously) but I enjoy getting to participate in discussions or preparations for someone else's final stand as much as I get to make the final stand; we all take turns being the hero or hogging the spotlight.