cw: sexual assault

I've been preparing myself for the last couple of months to do something for myself, something that I feel strongly will help me heal from literally years of carrying around trauma and going through therapy.

I'm going to name the person who assaulted me in a public forum, where people we mutually knew will be able to see it.

I've thought long and hard about it. I've talked with my therapist about it, at length. I've talked to trusted friends who knew me from that time as well as more recently. It's like a weight that I've carried all my life, and I'm always going to carry it, but I've decided that it doesn't have to be so heavy. I'm not doing it to get back at him in any way, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because I want to put the facts in front of people we both know, and let them deal with their own responses to it. It's time for other people to sit with these facts and decide how they feel about it.

I've braced myself for what may come. Hopefully, people will believe me. It's probable that they won't. I'm not going to be the first woman who has named her assaulter only to not be believed. I feel I've prepared myself to that. And if there's no response from anyone at all? I'm prepared - I'm okay with that, too. Because I will have done everything I can at this point in my life to free myself of the weight. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something anymore, and I don't have protect him out of some misguided belief that I'm making things easier for others by doing so. I'm not doing this for others, I'm doing this for me.

Well, after the loss of Rock back in April I've been pretty devastated and I came super close to resigning myself to not finding the right dog until after summer or even next year. And then I got a phone call.

Meet Grisha. Next week I'll be doing an 11 hour drive each way to pick her up and bring her to her new home, if all goes according to plan. I am so in love.

Oh god, why am I doing this.

Yeah, there's baggage and a lot of bad blood. But I'll opt in for transparency.

A Random Sampling of Past Alts
Dreaming: Natalia, Matilda
Dreaming II: Nuala, Roxanne
Tarterus: Carly, Rachel, Anna
Twin Cities By Teatime: Natalia
Twin Cities By Teatime II: Penelope
A Hint of Malice: Joscelyn
Dark Metal: Jet, T'ai
PernMush: Tarlo
AmberMUSH: Amaryli
Star Wars Sagas: Paige, Staci, Vashti
Covenant: Leaf
Mystick Krewe: Lola
Devilshire: Charity, Annie
HeroesMUSH: Samantha
String Theory: Helena, Kimiko, Zoe
City by the Bay: Alexandra, Elissa
Dune III: Ulricke and a Bene Gesserit RevMum whose name escapes me.
Dark Wine and Roses: Willow
CrackMUX: Christa, Delilah
Ashes to Ashes: Drusilla
Haunted Memories: Umai, Helena
Saint Petersburg: Umai, Galina, Oksana
X-Men Yearbook: Shakti, Kitty, Angelica, Molly
The Greatest Game: Snapdragon
Battlestar Orion: Ygraine, Iphigenia, Naomi
Darkwater: Olivia, Sedna
The Reach: Pomona, Polly
Fallcoast: Olivia, Vanessa
Tales of the Round: Morag, Lydia, Letha
The 100: Fiona, Thesda
Bump in the Night: Chloe
Marvel 1963: Melinda May
Coral Springs: Gyda
Mortal Coil: Naomi
Fate's Harvest: Hannah
United Heroes: Fiona Glenanne
Project Infinity: Lara Croft, Chiana
The Ineffable Game: Aeryn Sun, Tai-San
Marvel 1963: Medusa
Mutant Genesis: Shadowcat
KushielMUX: Evangeline, Fauve
Kushiel's Debut: Ursanne, Cosette, a House Orchis Dowayne whose name I can't remember.

There's probably a dozen or so games that I can't remember the name of, or can't remember the name of the character I played.

Currently
Arx: Samantha

So I'm really, really happy, because my character has a crush on someone, and he rejected her. Gently but firmly, and they're still friends, and we roleplay, and everything's cool. The reason I am happy about this is kind of hard to explain, but I'm going to try.

So having a character in love is great, but if you're someone who has a lot of romantic failure in rl, it's hard not to become extremely dismayed when the romantic life of your characters doesn't go well or doesn't work out the way you want it to. It can lead to Bad Behavior <tm> and general "that bitch is such a moper/has a bad attitude" airs that no one wants to put out there but can't help doing. That used to me. To some extent, that still is me, but when it used to be 11, now it's down to maybe a 3.

If you look under the definition of 'Unrequited' in the dictionary, one of the options is "Cupcake's entire love life". So when art imitated life, compounded with mental health that was also in an unknowing bad state, well...

Speed up to today. Not only was I okay with it, I was marveling at the fact that I was okay with it. And maybe I won't always be okay with it all the time, but I looked at this as a banner moment and evidence that I'm getting past things that have really ground me down in the past in my roleplay and the mush community. So, go me!

Here is video of Rock being a herpaderp that wants to go walkies.

Today is Rock's birthday! He is 6!

Here is Rock looking betrayed in a party hat.

@Clarity said in Coming Soon: Arx, After the Reckoning:

I've shown several people the log of the conversation, including a couple of independent people who have never played Arx, and pretty much everyone agreed with the fact that they didn't feel I had been trying to dissuade her. But as mentioned before, if she at all felt like I was, as I posted earlier, I apologise. I never wanted to do that. I was just trying to help.

Yeah, it's really nice that you have some yes men willing to back you up, but, taking myself as an example? I've had no less than three people at some point remark on you freezing someone out of RP, and ask if I can help facilitate involvement. So clearly there are people who feel this way, and what you should maybe do is invite them to CONSTRUCTIVELY (this is important) point out where they feel things went sour. If they're rude or abusive or passive aggressive while doing so you have every right to shut them down, but rather than trying to prove how right you are, maybe take a moment to weigh the impressions of those you've played with and ask "why do you feel this is so"?

This hobby does not exist in a vacuum. I understand you believe your own motives were pure - I played from the exact same position for many years, and I didn't have the tools to understand the level of objectivity of approach that was needed. But if you want to continue in this hobby and actually have fun and feel included with a broad spectrum of people (instead of just your yes men) than you need to be savvy enough to recognize that your intent and what people see are not the same thing, and if you don't understand why things are veering off and giving an impression you don't understand, you need to ask why, and be willing to view the situation from the other person's shoes. In all seriousness? Even if you STILL don't see it, a lot of people will become ten shades warmer if you just reach out about it in the first place; it shows maturity by giving them the opportunity to break it down for you.

Rock attended my company's summer picnic. The event photographer got a few shots of him and this one's my favorite.

Rock got new sleepwear. Yes, those are dragons.

I would like to introduce you all to Versace.

I would like to introduce you all to Versace.

I've been pretty inactive on here mostly because I've been a mix of distracted and tired and dealing with RL. But some cool things have happened recently at my workplace so I'll see what comes of it.

In the past year my employer hired a Diversity and Inclusion Specialist in our HR department, and the company has started programming to that effect. On a lark I sent in an email inquiring as to whether they'd do anything discussing Jewish culture and anti-semitism, pointing out that our flagship office is in a city with the third highest Jewish population in the country. The expected response was more or less "No", but what I did not expect was to be asked to help them expand programming on inclusivity involving the Jewish community. So apparently I'm now the go-to-person for discussion of involving Jewish culture, Zionism, and how to combat anti-semitism. I am BEYOND excited.

As a quick follow-up, I now have a TikTok: judean cupcake. It is, as one might expect, mostly focused on JTok, but if anyone wants to follow me or be followed, please let me know.

@mietze @reimesu

When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

I'm sorry, it's what popped into my head at the thought of three perimenopausal women in close proximity.

Someone in a FB Messenger chat brought up Motherland: Fort Salem as an RP setting, and then I was all "they could totally start in War College" and NO it's not going to be a thing, okay? Even though it could totally work in FS3.

BEASTARS

I am not a fucking furry but omg and his voice omg and his voice actor omg.

I will never not want an Avatar rpg, maybe post-Korra? Apparently an RPG tabletop game is being released and you have your choice of eras to play from.

I don't know if it's sustainable without an overarching plot, but I'm really enamored with Dusk City Outlaws as a system and think a game based on it might be fun.

Also, I have broken down: GRISHAVERSE plz.

@L-B-Heuschkel
I really miss Esteban and Domingo!

(I think all of my current games are no-gos for you, but I hold out hope something will come up that we can share)

@greenflashlight Long distance. I would have ended up road tripping to collect her.

Interestingly (ironically?) one of the dogs being offered is her sister littermate.

@greenflashlight Word got around about it in the breed community and now I have three separate people talking about possibly re-homing a dog to me. I'm actually kind of shocked; my experience with the local greyhound community was kind of negative and by and large the silken windhound community has been really, really nice.

@greenflashlight Yes. She's a silken windhound - they're a fairly recently developed breed, and they're basically to borzhoi what whippets are to greyhounds.

On the upside, because the breed is so new the community for it is fairly small and news travels fast. I had a lady reach out to me from CA to tell me she will have several females ready to place by the end of summer, and if we can come to an agreement on a re-homing fee, when the annual meet-up for the breed happens in my state in September, she'll just bring the dog chosen for me to adopt with her.