Best posts made by Cupcake

cw: sexual assault

I've been preparing myself for the last couple of months to do something for myself, something that I feel strongly will help me heal from literally years of carrying around trauma and going through therapy.

I'm going to name the person who assaulted me in a public forum, where people we mutually knew will be able to see it.

I've thought long and hard about it. I've talked with my therapist about it, at length. I've talked to trusted friends who knew me from that time as well as more recently. It's like a weight that I've carried all my life, and I'm always going to carry it, but I've decided that it doesn't have to be so heavy. I'm not doing it to get back at him in any way, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because I want to put the facts in front of people we both know, and let them deal with their own responses to it. It's time for other people to sit with these facts and decide how they feel about it.

I've braced myself for what may come. Hopefully, people will believe me. It's probable that they won't. I'm not going to be the first woman who has named her assaulter only to not be believed. I feel I've prepared myself to that. And if there's no response from anyone at all? I'm prepared - I'm okay with that, too. Because I will have done everything I can at this point in my life to free myself of the weight. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something anymore, and I don't have protect him out of some misguided belief that I'm making things easier for others by doing so. I'm not doing this for others, I'm doing this for me.

Well, after the loss of Rock back in April I've been pretty devastated and I came super close to resigning myself to not finding the right dog until after summer or even next year. And then I got a phone call.

Meet Grisha. Next week I'll be doing an 11 hour drive each way to pick her up and bring her to her new home, if all goes according to plan. I am so in love.

Oh god, why am I doing this.

Yeah, there's baggage and a lot of bad blood. But I'll opt in for transparency.

A Random Sampling of Past Alts
Dreaming: Natalia, Matilda
Dreaming II: Nuala, Roxanne
Tarterus: Carly, Rachel, Anna
Twin Cities By Teatime: Natalia
Twin Cities By Teatime II: Penelope
A Hint of Malice: Joscelyn
Dark Metal: Jet, T'ai
PernMush: Tarlo
AmberMUSH: Amaryli
Star Wars Sagas: Paige, Staci, Vashti
Covenant: Leaf
Mystick Krewe: Lola
Devilshire: Charity, Annie
HeroesMUSH: Samantha
String Theory: Helena, Kimiko, Zoe
City by the Bay: Alexandra, Elissa
Dune III: Ulricke and a Bene Gesserit RevMum whose name escapes me.
Dark Wine and Roses: Willow
CrackMUX: Christa, Delilah
Ashes to Ashes: Drusilla
Haunted Memories: Umai, Helena
Saint Petersburg: Umai, Galina, Oksana
X-Men Yearbook: Shakti, Kitty, Angelica, Molly
The Greatest Game: Snapdragon
Battlestar Orion: Ygraine, Iphigenia, Naomi
Darkwater: Olivia, Sedna
The Reach: Pomona, Polly
Fallcoast: Olivia, Vanessa
Tales of the Round: Morag, Lydia, Letha
The 100: Fiona, Thesda
Bump in the Night: Chloe
Marvel 1963: Melinda May
Coral Springs: Gyda
Mortal Coil: Naomi
Fate's Harvest: Hannah
United Heroes: Fiona Glenanne
Project Infinity: Lara Croft, Chiana
The Ineffable Game: Aeryn Sun, Tai-San
Marvel 1963: Medusa
Mutant Genesis: Shadowcat
KushielMUX: Evangeline, Fauve
Kushiel's Debut: Ursanne, Cosette, a House Orchis Dowayne whose name I can't remember.

There's probably a dozen or so games that I can't remember the name of, or can't remember the name of the character I played.

Currently
Arx: Samantha

So I'm really, really happy, because my character has a crush on someone, and he rejected her. Gently but firmly, and they're still friends, and we roleplay, and everything's cool. The reason I am happy about this is kind of hard to explain, but I'm going to try.

So having a character in love is great, but if you're someone who has a lot of romantic failure in rl, it's hard not to become extremely dismayed when the romantic life of your characters doesn't go well or doesn't work out the way you want it to. It can lead to Bad Behavior <tm> and general "that bitch is such a moper/has a bad attitude" airs that no one wants to put out there but can't help doing. That used to me. To some extent, that still is me, but when it used to be 11, now it's down to maybe a 3.

If you look under the definition of 'Unrequited' in the dictionary, one of the options is "Cupcake's entire love life". So when art imitated life, compounded with mental health that was also in an unknowing bad state, well...

Speed up to today. Not only was I okay with it, I was marveling at the fact that I was okay with it. And maybe I won't always be okay with it all the time, but I looked at this as a banner moment and evidence that I'm getting past things that have really ground me down in the past in my roleplay and the mush community. So, go me!

Here is video of Rock being a herpaderp that wants to go walkies.

Today is Rock's birthday! He is 6!

Here is Rock looking betrayed in a party hat.

@Clarity said in Coming Soon: Arx, After the Reckoning:

I've shown several people the log of the conversation, including a couple of independent people who have never played Arx, and pretty much everyone agreed with the fact that they didn't feel I had been trying to dissuade her. But as mentioned before, if she at all felt like I was, as I posted earlier, I apologise. I never wanted to do that. I was just trying to help.

Yeah, it's really nice that you have some yes men willing to back you up, but, taking myself as an example? I've had no less than three people at some point remark on you freezing someone out of RP, and ask if I can help facilitate involvement. So clearly there are people who feel this way, and what you should maybe do is invite them to CONSTRUCTIVELY (this is important) point out where they feel things went sour. If they're rude or abusive or passive aggressive while doing so you have every right to shut them down, but rather than trying to prove how right you are, maybe take a moment to weigh the impressions of those you've played with and ask "why do you feel this is so"?

This hobby does not exist in a vacuum. I understand you believe your own motives were pure - I played from the exact same position for many years, and I didn't have the tools to understand the level of objectivity of approach that was needed. But if you want to continue in this hobby and actually have fun and feel included with a broad spectrum of people (instead of just your yes men) than you need to be savvy enough to recognize that your intent and what people see are not the same thing, and if you don't understand why things are veering off and giving an impression you don't understand, you need to ask why, and be willing to view the situation from the other person's shoes. In all seriousness? Even if you STILL don't see it, a lot of people will become ten shades warmer if you just reach out about it in the first place; it shows maturity by giving them the opportunity to break it down for you.

Rock attended my company's summer picnic. The event photographer got a few shots of him and this one's my favorite.

Rock got new sleepwear. Yes, those are dragons.

I would like to introduce you all to Versace.

Season 6 MVP? Without a doubt, Lyanna Mormont.

I am super fucking frustrated with myself; I want to enjoy the roleplaying I'm involved in, and yet can't shake the pervasive notion by and large that I am a tolerated presence rather than being someone others consider an enthusiastic addition people are eager to be involved in. It's happening more and more to me, it feels like.

If this was purely emotional I think I could logic myself into ignoring it, but my brain wants to keep pointing at this or that circumstance which are in and of themselves, likely perfectly reasonable occurrences. But what's whispering in the hindbrain is that this is evidence of others disliking you, of others putting up with you, they don't really want you here.

I keep trying to remind myself that what I feel is real, but it also isn't true. I just really need to stick it until the proof of it not being true outweighs the anxiety.

Advice, gently offered, is welcome. PM preferred.

Edited to add: I am NOT blaming anyone for this, or insinuating that this is anyone's problem but mine regarding my own perception. For clarity.

Kevin Conroy = Best Batman.

FITE ME.

A good experience on one place makes you really face your bad experience on another. And gives you the strength to let go of something that is making you miserable, because you continued to think that maybe it would somehow get better for you.

I get it now, how sometimes it's better to just stop logging into a game for your own health. Renewed realization to understand that if your presence on a particular game starts causing the worst parts of yourself to rear up, get out.

The super cute Jewish guy at work thought I was 30. He's 27, so I kinda maybe think he might have regarded me with some interest in y'know, that way.

He does know how old I am now, which is to say, could have viably been his teen mom, but he only laughed and said that in my heart, I'm clearly 30.

I'm gonna ride these good feels for while.

@silverfox said in MUs That We Would Love To Make (But Won't):

A mu* where everyone is a cat. CatsMu

That's it.

For weeks months, Rock has been exhibiting symptoms of being unwell. Increased thirst, increased urination (which then led to incontinence), weakness in his hindquarters, weight gain, and a droop to his lips on one side of his face. Initially I had to be particular about taking him to the vet because money, and was initially told that the best way to figure out what was wrong with him would be to pay $500 for an ultrasound. Insurance would recoup most of the cost, but my vet, who is actually specialized in the specifics od dealing with Rock's breed, expects payment at time of service. And of course, there's all of the other regular things he needs, like his shots and his annual dental under anesthetic, which will likely at cheapest cost around $700 and is not covered by my pet insurance.

I love my dog, and having recently spent the last couple of years rebuilding my credit, I decided to take out a personal loan. It's allowed me to restructure my finances, pay all of Rock's vet bills, and gives me a cushion for any emergencies that may occur over the next few months. I'm so glad I did it.

We were able to get the ultrasound. Rock has Cushing's Disease. His body actually produces too much testosterone, and now he's on the meds he needs to live an otherwise full life. It's been hard not to cry from sheer relief.

Players who rp antagonistic characters that are still able to integrate into mostly cooperative storytelling effort while staying true to their characters' motivations, as well as being OOC really, really chill.

You engage in romantic involvement rp.

You discreetly indulge in shippy enjoyment, eyeballing pictures, gifs, music that reminds you of the pairing, but stay quiet about it because you don't want your cool rp buddy to find out how weird you are and possibly find you stalkery or obsessive...

And then you find out they are just as loony as you are about the whole thing. YAY!

@Clarity said in Coming Soon: Arx, After the Reckoning:

I was not trying to dissuade the newbie, I was trying to help them. I offered them background information regarding their PC and how they had interacted with mine. And what the two scenes involved. I even had asked for a scene with them and offered to help them get settled. I did not mean to in any way dissuade her from taking the character. If she thought I was doing so, apologies for that, it wasn't my intention.

I have not intentionally tried to block anyone from story lines. And I don't think I complained loudly and often on channels about not having enough meta plot attention. I think maybe once, early on when I didn't understand the significance of my PC's secret, yes, because I had been struggling to get involved in things as a commoner, but often? Hardly. I spent a lot of time on channels helping people, I sang the praises of the staff and the awesome job they do often. And I asked a lot of questions.

I don't think I've had any special staff attention, no GM'd scenes, I think I submitted one story action request. The character secret had only just recently started to come into play and it was really helpful when it came to getting involved, so I was grateful for that.

Clearly many, many people do not view your actions that way. I would be the first person to sympathize with being in a situation where you are limited to the subjectivity of your own intent, but if so many people are saying this is how you came off, and if staff was willing to ban you for it, you owe it to yourself as someone who is part of a community hobby to ask yourself why and how you gave that impression, try to view it objectively, and take what you can from that.