@rinel The details are none of my business, but try to remember:
It's hard work. It's hard work and it's bound to be painful, but it's also necessary.
You are not limited to only ever working with one specific person. Finding the right mental health team can sometimes take several tries.
Don't give up! I am rooting for you.
I marched.
My calves and thighs and lower back are very angry at me, but I did it. Almost 3 miles, one amongst 120,000 people.
I attended with a couple of people here who I'll let speak for themselves, and another member of the MUSH community didn't march, but was willing to drive us in and out of the city that day, for which I am extremely grateful.
This may seem weird, hear me out. An acquaintance of mine who used to be part of the MUSH community is now amongst other things, a professional photographer. He's doing a series he's calling "MortalClay" involving people in portrait with various substances like clay and charcoal and powders on their body.
This one is particularly profound for me, though they're all beautiful:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQjFzYADCIE/
It's a tasteful, artistic nude so your NSFW may vary.
The reason it is so profound for me is because for years I struggled with the notion of imperfection and beauty being able to be housed in the same skin, namely my own. For some reason this picture in particular cacked a barrier, even if only in a small way. I could picture myself in this woman's place without bitterness or irony, and realizing that was tear inducing.
There's a time to be Londo
There's a time to be G'kar
There's a time to be Delenn
There's a time to be Shepard
There's a time to be Vir
Screw you, I'm
@hedgehog Mostly Richard. Colleen Duran claims that when she was younger - like, a teenager, he took her to a con and got a room with only one bed. Wendy's got some issues as well about homophobia and victim blaming in the comics industry toward women who are sexually harassed.
I have a lot less guilt enjoying Elfquest, but if I will never read Marian Zimmer Bradley again. Like, I guage the merit of "death of the author" from 0 to MZB.
I know I posted earlier, but I realized that I could boil it down to a simple decision maker:
If I feel, for any reason, that the game is unhealthy for me, I will leave.
This includes if the game is making me unhappy, if the idea of logging in makes feel dread (but weirdly I log in anyway). Which to be clear, does not mean "my character suffering consequences".
We have a new arcade style game in our break area, a stand up box that has over 100 games on it. One of them is a bubble popper and I was one of the first people to play it and get my name on the board. A co-worker came along and wiped me off the board, which you know, happens, and it's trivial in the scope of things. I was determined to get back on the score board, not really caring where I placed as long as I placed and enjoying myself when co-worker in the #1 spot (who's a guy) comes up to the machine.
"I'm going to give you some pointers." he says.
"I didn't ask for pointers." I reply, while playing.
"Well, today, they're free of charge." he says, leaning on the game.
"And I still wouldn't want them." says I, irritated at this unsolicited "assistance".
Normally this is a reasonably cool dude, and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt in retrospect, but in the moment, I was just like, NOPE.
I've decided to post this as an external thread to the main Deepwood one because I know there might be people who could be giving Arx a look and are on the fence, or might not want to wade into an extensive thread but might look at a separate individual topic.
House Deepwood holds a sizable March within the game with both roster characters as well as opportunities to create entirely new characters in Deepwood and its vassal Houses, as well as new Houses from the ground up. We are very friendly for those who are new to the theme and/or system.
Here is a list of currently available roster characters.
Would you be interested in playing a noble within an established House? Take a look at Mia and Nigel.
Would you like to play a House from the ground up but not have to deal with building a House yourself? Take a look at Oona, Peri, and Kaldur. The head of House, Orrin, will most likely come back onto the roster soon as well.
We have commoner knights (like Kerr), brilliant stewards (like Bethany), and openings for minor nobility have been made available in the new Barony of Whitehawk, namely Eshken and Emele.
And if you want to start your own House, from the ground up? Deepwood has recently had a significant land expansion and is looking to ennoble new Counties and Baronies from amongst the newly Prodigal* population. We are happy to consider new House concepts!
(*Prodigal: Members of clans and tribes who previously lived independant of the governance of the Compact who have decided in relatively recent time to join it.)
If interested, please feel free to contact me via PM here, or on the game at play.arxmush.org:3000 as Samantha, or reach out to any House Deepwood member, or any member of the vassal Houses.
I'm also happy to answer questions here on the thread.
I recently came across a quote from a very popular movie that shook me hard and reminded me very much of one of my current characters. Finding it delighted me so much that it gave my drive to play even more of an extra kick:
As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!
The character is neither Chinese nor American, but she has appropriate alternative status to make the quote work.
@Alamias Ideation (not actively pursuing suicide, but wishing you could go to sleep and not wake up or get hit by a random car) is no joke. If there's a means to talk to someone, through a help line, or local services...please take it.
tmw you realize that virtually any mush scenario you spitball has an accompanying music number from either "Galavant" or "Crazy Ex Girlfriend".
Back in therapy. There's been an increase in dosage of one medication, but no new ones introduced at this point.
The new therapist is very target oriented; she seems pretty confident that I have a handle on my depression and generalized anxiety, so we're focusing on trauma processing and techniques for dealing with anger and frustration in a productive way. I'm feeling quietly encouraged.
If I'm not being particularly responsive, it's because I've been absorbing what people have to say. It's very easy to look at what is helpfully being offered as assistance and consider it as criticism. I feel more confident that this is not the case, but the notion of it is still there and that's what I have to fight..
Our game culture abhors attention-seekers and rightfully so. That kind of play style is selfish. I think for me a problem lays in the notion that in various ways, I am not seen at all. Pushing to be seen isn't an answer, but there has to be a way to let people know you feel invisible because you want to be part of the group, and not because you need it to be All Eyes On You. (I realize the irony of this thread, fwiw.)
I am reconsidering my approach, the challenge will be putting it into practice, and without any kind of guidebook.
Medication is someting I do, and it's granted me a vast improvement - 5+ years ago I would not even be broaching this topic, I've now been on medicatin for the last three years or so. About a year and a half ago I lost my preferred insurance and was no longer able to utilize my mental health team, I haven't been able to find a therapist since.
I was thinking about a quote from Cold Comfort Farm recently, "It's my energy, you see. It turns in instead of out.
I think turning it out, for me, will involve trying to feel my way into @Apos' suggestion; how to do so for most I imagine will be obvious, but I will need to take time to figure what is the right thing to be doing.
I've come to the conclusion that anybody who seeks out one of my PCs for romance is probably ass crazy.
Anyone I might have my PC seek out for romance assumes I am ass crazy.
It makes life so much easier.
@greenflashlight Word got around about it in the breed community and now I have three separate people talking about possibly re-homing a dog to me. I'm actually kind of shocked; my experience with the local greyhound community was kind of negative and by and large the silken windhound community has been really, really nice.
For me, FOMO is believing that my character has built her relationships to a certain level, only to realize that the esteem she holds for others is much higher than what's held for her. Finding out about things going on third hand, or group occurrences that include everyone, etc.
Of course, I have a pretty bad relationship with FOMO myself, from a lifelong history of "not being invited to things/not having people show up to my things". I generally have to try and disengage when that kind of thing happens or else I know I'm going to get ugly.
I've shared this story with a few people and so while it might out me, or some people might decide that CUPCAKE IS NAMEDROPPING! I think it's relevant to the current subject and kind of fun for me to share.
I used to work for a fairly large convention in their "American Scifi" track. Part of my job was escorting the various guests to their panels and autograph tables and being a gopher as they might need. I'm pretty laid back about meeting actors and whatnot - I mean, even when I might be screaming inside like a 12 year old I keep it pretty cool outwardly.
And then there was Jason Momoa.
It was my plan to introduce myself to him because I had been assigned to get him and the other Stargate actors to their autograph table. I walked up to him and and held out my hand for a shake and started with, "Hi, I'm --- "
First thought: OhmygodhehasaquamarineeyesI'veneverseenactualaquamarineeyesbeforeonlytheSweetValleyHighTwinshaveaquamarine eyes...
Second thought: he smells like the ocean in Hawaii on a spring day...
I'm standing there like an idiot with my hand out, STARING at Jason Momoa. He's clearly used to it. And with a gentle smile says, "Hi, I'm Jason."
Cupcake's brain clicks back into gear, I introduce myself, we move on with life.
Still.
HE SMELLS LIKE THE OCEAN, Y'ALL.
