Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game

[Ashen-Shugar]

One of my favorites was playing a senile mage called 'Frump'.

He was actually a deity with severe dementia, but had a skill bind that required him to not knowingly hurt anything alive by direct or indirect means.

The fun part of this character? Whatever he would imagine (in his dementia-spurred brain) would become a reality.

It would not be uncommon to have him walk over a pit and just stand in mid air.

The general commentary would be something like:

Party Member: Frump, um... careful of that pit?
Frump: head scratches what pit?
Party member: The pit you're currently hovering over?
Frump: *stamps foot down, you hear a dull 'thump' I'm standing on the ground.
Party member: No, it's a pit.
Frump: just blinks like player is stupid nooo, I would know if I was hovering

Second party member comes over to Frump, walks up to him and immediately falls into the pit shouting in agony

Frump: Hey! I"m standing over a pit! (immediately falls into the pit)

hear a whump, and someone dusting himself off

Frump: At least the pit didn't have any traps like spikes in it.
Party Member: Actually the pit... [muffled]

is immediately silenced by the other party members

Yes. The pit did have spikes.

The beauty of this? The party members started to realize that Frump on the odd occasion could twist reality to make what he believed to be real, well, real.

So someone picks up a rock, walks up to Frump and says 'Hey, isn't this the most BEAUTIFUL diamond you have ever seen?'

And well, sometimes Frump will agree, it's a beautiful diamond. Other times he's wondering why you're holding the most deadly spider in the world in your palm.

There's just no telling with good ol' Frump...

[Paris]

@ghost said in Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game:

• "Hey, are you guys doing anything tonight? Because I'm totally into this band you probably don't know about, the Jamie Lannister Pornography Experience, they're kind of like a melange of Anthrax, old-school Lady Gaga, and Tibetan throat singing, and if you're cool you'll probably go."

I want to hang out with this guy at this exact concert. Just hide the PBR.

[TiredEwok]

Perhaps this wasn't 'mean' but it was funny as hell to me. The rest of my character's pack, not so much.

It was during a WtA TT game a friend was running. We were all newly changed Garou, starting without any rank or the like. Over time we finally got enough renown to rank up but for all intents and purposes we were still pups. We happened upon this large room - maybe it was a warehouse or something, I've forgotten as this was over 14 years ago this game took place - and there were several vampires. Mike played our pack Alpha and he got everyone to agree to group up and take one of the vampires on as a pack. My character went off on her own, however, after having been taunted by one of the other vamps, resulting in a one-on-one fight with the guy.

Fast forward to the end of my character's fight with the leech. She managed to two-shot him thanks to some VERY fortunate rolls on my part (got vamp to frenzy after the first attack, saving my gal from being turned into paste since he lost his attack!) and she all but sauntered up to where the others were still fighting and quipped out 'hey guys, need help?'. The looks my friends gave me were funny as hell. Kind of a combination of throwing eye daggers at me and 'you got to be kidding us'.

So yeah. Not a dick move on my/my character's part, but was funny as fuck.

[Thenomain]

Meanest but funniest thing that the DM did to us:

AD&D 2nd Ed. No, that's not the mean part, shush.

We were playing a ... morally ambivalent group and at some point of clearing out a different group of morally ambivalent people for money, we ran across a girdle that was marked "girdle of giant strength", so my character put it on. Of course it was cursed, but it was a 50/50 thing; it only happened to be a girdle of gender change.

My character played up the "oh no now I'm a woman how horrible my life is now" because, well, c'mon we were role-playing being jerks with a common goal of making money. This wasn't the mean part.

Later on we heard tell of an island where demons were keeping a Lawful Good sword (probably a Holy Avenger) and we thought: You know, we would piss off so many Paladins if we went and grabbed this sword and sat on it. It was so obviously a Paladin trap, else a bunch of demons wouldn't be this obvious about it.

So we went and battled demons and demons and survived the craggy and slightly volcanic island. At the end we found the sword and freed it from its difficult imprisonment. Whatever AD&D called an angel appeared and said, 'Oh thank god, you freed me with it! Whatever you want is yours!' My character, of course, asked to be switched back to male.

Now here's the cruel and funny bit.

1. The angel was another demon. He didn't undo the curse, he just cast "Polymorph Other" and since my character agreed there was no save. The next minute he got affected by a Dispel Magic or a magic-dead zone, it wore off.

2. The angel was another demon. The sword was not a Holy Avenger but cursed to high heavens lowest hells. It gave some pretty nice bonuses but the user was at a decent risk to go berzerk. So we kept it.

What we didn't know was the sword was also intelligent and took over the free will of the fighter who was using it. We didn't much care until it started trying to kill us.

So we dropped it into a Bag of Devouring.

Much, much later, when we had all forgotten about it, it came back from the Astral Plane to get revenge.

So much fun.

--

My thief kept the Bag of Devouring because hell, why give up a perfectly awesome cursed item? It sure helped us get rid of an otherwise impossible to destroy intelligent cursed sword.

[Auspice]

With one D&D group, we rotated DMs. One week, my turn was up, but I'd had a really rough day at work and wasn't really feeling it. I couldn't really get a concrete one-shot put together.

So I put together a 'dungeon crawl' through a haunted house and figured I'd just wing it. But to hedge my bets, I gave out special items to everyone.

Mostly enchanted weapons, armor, etc.

But to the biggest troll in the group, I gave a Deck of Many Things.

My players ran the game for me that night. I don't think they made it more than three rooms before they just went hog wild with the deck.

[Thenomain]

@auspice

The second, perhaps even meaner and funnier thing our DM did to us:

To identify a magic item, the magic-user has to use it as intended, even fakely.

Our magic-user was an illusionist gnome. Just let those two words together sink in a little bit.

He tried on a hat, the GM said he didn't know what it was, and that was that.

What we didn't know that it was a Hat of Feeblemind. The gnome illusionist's intelligence was reduced to 3.

And the player kept playing a gnome who did outrageous and sometimes slightly random things, and stopped casting spells, and for at least three hours-long sessions nobody noticed. I think it was even longer.

As players, we were so very blind. So fun.

[Seraphim73]

@auspice Yeah. Deck of Many Things is just too awesome. A fellow PC once convinced my character to play five-card stud with the Deck. He made it 4 cards, then Death came for him.

[Auspice]

@seraphim73 said in Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game:

@auspice Yeah. Deck of Many Things is just too awesome. A fellow PC once convinced my character to play five-card stud with the Deck. He made it 4 cards, then Death came for him.

It's just impossible to resist!

[TheOnceler]

Classic story.

Boy meets girl.

Boy falls for girl.

Boy and girl head off to a private room to fuck.

Not their private room.

Euthanatos who owns the private room logs in.

Life adept Euthanatos people fucking on his front lawn.

Pages staff.

Wizard has arrived.
<OOC> Guy says, "wtf"
Euthanatos makes roll.
<OOC> Wizard says, "Guy, you ejaculate so hard both of your testicles forcefully shoot out of your body."
<OOC> Guy says, "WTF!!!!!!"
Girl has disconnected.

I, the Euthanatos, eventually quit the game because I knew I'd never again experience such a moment of pure beauty.

[Ganymede]

My story starts like this.

@theonceler said in Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game:

Classic story.

Boy meets girl.

Boy falls for girl.

Boy and girl head off to a private room to fuck.

In one instance, girl starts to give the boy head before morphing into a Crinos and biting off his dick (doing 6 aggravated damage).

In another instance, girl gets boy to near completion before transforming into a swarm of black widow spiders and crawling all over him before skittering to the ventilation system.

Admittedly, you probably want to avoid any instance of oral sex with me.

[TiredEwok]

@Ganymede

Fuck. Now you got me, a huge arachnophobe, to picture that part with the... ew. Damn my very visually-based imagination. >.<

[hedgehog]

As a chaotic good elven cleric, I would require members of the party donate to my goddess' temple before healing them.

It was slightly less cruel than the fact that she considered herself more of a psychopomp than a healer and would roll for the critically wounded to see if it was their time to die or not.

Point being? Don't take the cleric for granted, assholes.

[Lithium]

Way way way back in the day on Dark Metal, I was playing a City Gangrel and there was this guy checking me out I knew to be Camarilla and a Toreador. He apparently hadn't heard I was Sabbat. So my character (Cuz this was dark metal) had a manipulation of 1, she was very, very, blunt. She walks up to the guy and goes with the /stupidest/ pick up line I could think of:

Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

The guy of course says yes and we head off to a private place... and I proceeded to go from 13th generation to 12th! Good night.

[Sparks]

@hedgehog said in Meanest (But Funniest) Thing You've Done in a Game:

Point being? Don't take the cleric for granted, assholes.

As my D&D party's cleric, I approve of this message.

[Royal]

D&D. DM said we would be using the current characters for the next high powered game. If we survived. Ominous. So we galavant about, my unethical Duelist having a ball.

Then we get the big mission. Go slay the dragon! Save the day! But here, take one of the King's personal air ships.

Cue the systematic murder of my own party, one by one as they made claims of wanting to be the captain.

Guess who was an air pirate on the next campaign.

I regret nothing.

[Griatch]

Not very "mean" I guess but funny at the time:

This was a one-shot at a convention. We played "Mutant" (Swedish RPG franchise). 1980's style post-apocalyptic with lots of intelligent mutated animals, mega corps and weirdness in a big mix. We had pre-made characters (a bunch of mercenaries) and I ended up with the intelligent bipedal bulldog. On a whim I decided that he really loved food. The way a dog gets excited about all food, except this dog is six feet tall and carries a shotgun. I got us into a lot of trouble with that one, including bypassing the clever diplomat-type and making sure the down payment for our next gig was to be in bones.

Anyway, the whole thing concluded with us acting as security detail for a mob boss' wedding. The whole thing took place at the bottom floor of a larger building. So we make our preparations, scout the premises etc. The wedding starts and we are on high alert. Finally the enemy boss makes his move. It turns out there is some sort of aquarium higher up in the building and the enemy had planted explosives that we hadn't detected. So BOOM - tons of water floods down into the locale along with a GIANT MUTANT LOBSTER keen on eating EVERYONE (for some reason).
Boss battle! This is a pretty lethal game with relatively detailed combat. The lobster is a really powerful enemy and people starts shooting at it with mediocre results. Someone lobs off a semi-successful grenade.

GM: The grenade goes off! It's a hit, cracking part of the shell on the side of the monster. But even a grenade doesn't even slow it down.
Me: Wait, there is a crack in the shell? There is exposed flesh?
GM: ... a little, yes?
Me: Foooood! I throw away my weapons and dive in. Face first. I'm a bulldog. My jaws a formidable.
GM: ... Roll.

I roll excellently, and keep doing so. And for the rest of the battle I gradually eat my way into the poor giant lobster. Lots of laughter around the table. The tension of the battle is gone at this point so the GM just gives up and embraces the farce with ever wilder descriptions. Finally the lobster falls to my hunger and we win the day. Glory and food coma in one glorious mix. Good times.
.
Griatch

[Pandora]

Got naked, rolled on her stomach, looked back and said 'Kiss me.' all demanding-like. He kissed my character's shoulders, got an impatient look for his efforts. Kissed down her spine; her back arched - better. He finally kisses her ass cheek and that's what I'd been waiting for. Rolled over, pulled on a robe, and told him she was merely interested in seeing if his actual ass-kissing was more interesting than his repeated attempts to do so publicly for favor. It was not, and he was dismissed.

Never pestered me trying to suck up and put others down to make himself look good again. Maybe he learned a lesson, maybe I just pissed him off. Doesn't matter, I thought myself very clever and laughed about it for days. I'm still laughing now and it's been years. Where does the time go.