Battling FOMO (any game)

[Tinuviel]

@mietze said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I wonder sometimes if stating "i feel like I'm behind/missing out" is knowingly or even unconsciously said because it is safer than saying "I'm worried that no one will want to RP with me/think I'm worth playing with now/if I'm not around, including people I like a lot."

There's probably an element of that.

I, thankfully, don't really suffer from FOMO in that I actually fear missing out. I just get bored because I'm missing out.

People with ample time to dedicate to a game dictate its pace more than anyone else, and so a game can launch ahead if I have to miss a week because of work or whatever. Things happen about as fast as they used to when I could do eighteen hour MUing days, and I can't keep up.

So it's less about being afraid to miss out, it's more about being irritated that I can't contribute in any meaningful way because it's just going at speeds I can't keep up with.

[Ganymede]

@tinuviel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

People can know perfectly well that how they're feeling is unreasonable, but they still feel that way.

This is probably a flaw in my programming.

Oh well.

[Tinuviel]

@ganymede It's also a flaw in our neurochemistry. We're wired wrong.

[faraday]

@mietze said in Battling FOMO (any game):

Which means that I'm not sure you can really truly eliminate that through policies.

You can never eliminate fear. And as Gany points out, you can never eliminate the inevitability of missing out on some percentage of Things.

You can only do your best to ensure that people have a chance of being involved, so they are not actually missing out on everything.

[L. B. Heuschkel]

@silverfox said in Battling FOMO (any game):

@tinuviel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

@ganymede You're typing like there's any sort of logic behind how people feel. People can know perfectly well that how they're feeling is unreasonable, but they still feel that way.

This is real, legit, and I felt it to my soul. I know my thoughts are utterly irrational 99% of the time, but it is still there and it is still very real to me.

This. And it's a problem we obviously cannot magically fix for everyone because ultimately, a lot of the time the problem is with the player, not the game. But we can still try to make it easier for the players with anxieties (hi, I'm one of us too), by creating an environment less optimised for hungry brain weasels.

Not suggesting a game with five miles' worth of theme pages on behaviour, policies, inclusion and so on. Been on one of those, had to leave it because of harassment. This is a player and community choice: You can try to be inclusive OOC, or at least do no harm. Do that, and you've done a lot more than you think -- and I base that in how many posts on this very board essentially circle the fact that it takes only a few assholes protecting each other to ruin a game community.

We can't fix everything but we can certainly continue to swap feedback and tips on the things we tried that did work, for ourselves or for getting others included.

I am having some success lately with an open scene format around a location rather than something happening; I tried it with a local historic archive first, and later on, with a community faire in an old factory building. There's no plot as such -- just an open scene format running on 3per, come and go as you like. NPCs do things that players can respond to. Scene runs for 24 hours or until it runs out of steam.

I measure success in how many people met who don't usually meet on grid, and on how many spin-off scenes are spawned. So far, it seems to be working -- both times, new players to the game have come in and gotten to meet people and break ice. Introductions are often what people find to be the hardest -- having an 'excuse' to be there.

[Carma]

This post is deleted!

[GreenFlashlight]

@l-b-heuschkel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

This. And it's a problem we obviously cannot magically fix for everyone because ultimately, a lot of the time the problem is with the player, not the game. But we can still try to make it easier for the players with anxieties (hi, I'm one of us too), by creating an environment less optimised for hungry brain weasels.

I've been doing what I can to combat this on an interpersonal level (not in myself because I'll probably never get over it, but for others) by dropping occasional random reminders that I like the person I'm talking to and I enjoy their company. It comes off as awkward as it sounds, but I don't care, I'm tired of worrying more about sounding smooth than being genuine.

Oh hey, on that topic, whoever you are, reading this? I probably don't know who you are on any game we've ever played, but I was grateful for that one time we played together and would like to do it again if meatlife would quit being a butt about scheduling. You're cool.

[Coin]

@greenflashlight said in Battling FOMO (any game):

@l-b-heuschkel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

This. And it's a problem we obviously cannot magically fix for everyone because ultimately, a lot of the time the problem is with the player, not the game. But we can still try to make it easier for the players with anxieties (hi, I'm one of us too), by creating an environment less optimised for hungry brain weasels.

I've been doing what I can to combat this on an interpersonal level (not in myself because I'll probably never get over it, but for others) by dropping occasional random reminders that I like the person I'm talking to and I enjoy their company. It comes off as awkward as it sounds, but I don't care, I'm tired of worrying more about sounding smooth than being genuine.

Oh hey, on that topic, whoever you are, reading this? I probably don't know who you are on any game we've ever played, but I was grateful for that one time we played together and would like to do it again if meatlife would quit being a butt about scheduling. You're cool.

I try to do this too. Or I try to reach out to people who don't really reach out to me most of the time even though they say they enjoy RP with me when we do.

I dunno. I'm big on reciprocity and even though I try to set that need aside a lot, it wears you down.

[GreenFlashlight]

@coin said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I'm big on reciprocity and even though I try to set that need aside a lot, it wears you down.

Same. I do my best to make peace with this hobby being full of people who are socially awkward, selfish, or both (it'd be pretty hypocritical not to do it for others since I'm both and would like them to do it for me), but the way you seem to be forgotten the moment you're not providing entertainment to others can make you wonder why you bother.

[Sunny]

I induced my own meltdown at one point by going, "what happens if I stop reaching out to people?"

...not pretty, do not recommend. Ego still recovering. DO NOT DO. Danger, Will Robinson, DANGER.

[Coin]

@sunny said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I induced my own meltdown at one point by going, "what happens if I stop reaching out to people?"

...not pretty, do not recommend. Ego still recovering. DO NOT DO. Danger, Will Robinson, DANGER.

Eh. I ask myself that question all the time.

Allegedly, according to credible sources, people don't ask me for RP because I'm intimidating. This is poppycock, I am as insecure as anyone else. >:/

[Sunny]

@coin

I mean, I asked the question, and then I followed through to SEE. It was the results that weren't pretty.

It's not actually about being intimidating or anything, I don't think -- I honestly think it's about habits and patterns of behavior. Those who can be very social, outgoing, and tend to be confident -- the majority of the time, they're driving relationships, since they have the energy / push to do so.

It creates a pattern of behavior:

I always say good morning to my friend. If I stop saying good morning, the friend is not going to intuit it's because I want THEM to, they're going to assume I don't want to talk, or they did something, or -- any number of things, none of which are "hey, maybe it's my turn to pick up reins I have literally never held". Because I changed the terms of our relationship without including them in the discussion about it.

[Pyrephox]

@sunny I do this all the time.

I start out being friendly and social and really trying to push making IC connections and putting scenes out there. And then the tiny voice starts thinking, "You know, no one really asks me for RP. I always ask other people. Maybe I'm actually being overwhelming for them, and they'd like some space. I'm going to stop asking for a bit so that people can have space, and surely, if they've enjoyed our scenes together, they'll ask for RP when they're ready for it."

And then...time passes. And no one asks for RP. And the little voice goes, "Oh. OH. So I was bothering people, and no one actually enjoys playing with me. That sucks. Now I feel bad that I was being a pain in the ass for people."

[Sunny]

@pyrephox said in Battling FOMO (any game):

And then...time passes. And no one asks for RP. And the little voice goes, "Oh. OH. So I was bothering people, and no one actually enjoys playing with me. That sucks. Now I feel bad that I was being a pain in the ass for people."

Literally the meltdown I had that I was referencing, yes! That's exactly what I did!

But I was in such an awful place IRL that I was unable to get to the other side, internalized the "I was being a pain in the ass", and ran with it (to the point of THAT getting under peoples' skin). Instead of "people are creatures of habit, and they're in the habit of me being the asker", which was the actual truth in the situation.

I don't know that there's much of a solution to this beyond being vocal about it happening and being a thing to watch for in the hobby so that when the stupid tiny voice starts talking, it's easier to shut up.

[L. B. Heuschkel]

@pyrephox said in Battling FOMO (any game):

And then...time passes. And no one asks for RP. And the little voice goes, "Oh. OH. So I was bothering people, and no one actually enjoys playing with me. That sucks. Now I feel bad that I was being a pain in the ass for people."

I strongly suspect this is the case for the majority of MU* players. At least it's painfully familiar, and almost everyone else I play with regularly say the same thing. So the trick is to create situations where you don't need to hinge on invitations or connections that already exist. Breaking the ice. Connecting people, without the burden of connection making being on one side only.

It wears people down, always reaching out. Because the brain weasel does get you: Are they only responding because I don't leave them alone?

I find that open scenes and open plot events are a very big deal when it comes to battling this. Make it hinge less on me to reach out -- I am putting myself somewhere and signaling I'm available, and if people secretly hate my company they can just not turn up.

[Pyrephox]

@l-b-heuschkel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I find that open scenes and open plot events are a very big deal when it comes to battling this. Make it hinge less on me to reach out -- I am putting myself somewhere and signaling I'm available, and if people secretly hate my company they can just not turn up.

Alas, then no one turns up to your open scenes, either, and there's nothing quite as crushing as sitting for an hour or two with an open scene, uh, open and no one showing a lick of interest.

Events aren't so bad, because if no one signs up, then you just don't run it. But man, those open scene deserts hurt.

[L. B. Heuschkel]

@pyrephox said in Battling FOMO (any game):

@l-b-heuschkel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I find that open scenes and open plot events are a very big deal when it comes to battling this. Make it hinge less on me to reach out -- I am putting myself somewhere and signaling I'm available, and if people secretly hate my company they can just not turn up.

Alas, then no one turns up to your open scenes, either, and there's nothing quite as crushing as sitting for an hour or two with an open scene, uh, open and no one showing a lick of interest.

Events aren't so bad, because if no one signs up, then you just don't run it. But man, those open scene deserts hurt.

Yeah, they do. A trick I've found to work there is to have a couple of other people whom you know share the same brain weasel breed. Start those scenes together. If there's a scene sitting with just one person in it, people tend to skip it -- I have no idea why, but I see it often. If there's two -- a third won't hurt, and a fourth, and so on. I'm not sure how this works; you'd think one person sitting there all the attention ready would be enticing, but it actually frightens a lot of people off. Whereas stomping into a conversation that's already going on apparently is a lot less intimidating.

[Vixanic]

@tinuviel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

So it's less about being afraid to miss out, it's more about being irritated that I can't contribute in any meaningful way

I feel this so very much. Between not having much time during the week, and being in an inconvenient time-zone, it feels like all I can do is casual RP, rarely if ever events, and just doing things via jobs is distinctly unfulfilling.

@coin said in Battling FOMO (any game):

Allegedly, according to credible sources, people don't ask me for RP because I'm intimidating.

You are very fun to RP with and I miss it. I have never found you intimidating!

[L. B. Heuschkel]

@vixanic said in Battling FOMO (any game):

I feel this so very much. Between not having much time during the week, and being in an inconvenient time-zone, it feels like all I can do is casual RP, rarely if ever events, and just doing things via jobs is distinctly unfulfilling.

Not keen on jobs myself. They're necessary for some things but RP it ain't. At best, it's something to RP about.

Casual RP is my staple though. Probably because I am also in an inconvenient timezone (CET). I don't think you should think less of yourself for this. Events and hunting the plot is all good and well, but a game does not feel like a living community without everything else that goes on.

It's the inter-personal relationships I enjoy the most as a player -- and yes, I realise what that sounds like, but I'm not talking about TS. I like getting to know other characters, to form bonds and connect. To feel that I am part of a living, breathing community, where sometimes, saving the world will have to take second seat to what Our John said about Our Susy because priorities.

Insert obligatory spiel about asynchronous scenes solving a lot of the timezone issues too, if one has the kind of mind they work for (I know people who just can't, however much they want).

[faraday]

@l-b-heuschkel said in Battling FOMO (any game):

It's the inter-personal relationships I enjoy the most as a player -- and yes, I realise what that sounds like, but I'm not talking about TS. I like getting to know other characters, to form bonds and connect.

Totally. If you throw a bunch of people who don't know each other at all into an adventure, it can sometimes work out, but often it's just a bunch of awkward. It's much more interesting when there are connections between the characters, and you only get that through the in-between RP.