I had lots of issues. I got lots of help. Thank you mushing community for all the help! I complied a list of things that helped me. Maybe it will help others.

1. Don’t rp about anything one is ooc anxious or upset about. The rp can escalate and the bleed of ooc is often noticed.
2. Don’t tell people ooc you are sad/stressed etc about roleplay. It can pressure them to adapt to that.
3. Give lots of space to those who might be avoiding you. Don’t pose to them lots, contact them ooc or keep showing up where their character is.
4. Don’t contact people repeatedly or super quickly. (Paging as soon as they log on, poking them on discord then the game, etc) Also don't huge/cuddle and etc unless one is sure such is okay.
5. Be especially careful about tense rp that deals with romance/jealousy and etc. For some people (myself) the topic of romantic jealousy is best downplayed all together. .
6. Keep the channels turned off during stressful times on a game to avoid saying things you will regret or even to dodge being baited.
7. Ignore those who are trying to provoke one. Learn to walk away and turn the other cheek. Go find rp with those who want to rp with one instead.
8. Go ic only if available and page allow those you are up for talking to. Feel free to page block those who stress you out and poke ooc.
9. Learn to see things going wrong ic as an interesting story rather than an ooc slap in the face.
   10, Remember that redemption rp can be amazing - It is good to keep that mind if things go horribly wrong.
   11, Take a break short or long whenever the game is getting hard. Even just logging off for an hour and watching tv can help. Sometimes a longer break is needed though.
10. Find other social outlets even if they are really small. Easier than done in the time of Covid.
11. Get sunlight. It is easy for people on the spectrum to stay inside all the time and that lack of sunlight can increase anxiety/depression/hopeless/feeling unreal.
12. See counselor. I started to see a counselor who specializes in anxiety and it helped immensely. Appointments can be done remotely too.
13. Find other hobbies that one can do in addition to mushing - reading, watching tv, cooking, singing, learning a new language etc.
14. Get some physical activity - doing even a small amount of light activity can be very helpful to improving one’s mood and outlook.
15. Get sleep and at night if possible. When I got my most stressed on mushing I was working 11 pm to 7 am on a hospice unit. I didn’t sleep much.
16. Check to see if projecting - I got very sad about my patients who passed and much of that sorrow I projected into extreme emotions toward other things. Nothing is ever an excuse for bad behavior, but self awareness can help one find coping tactics.
17. Have a healthy diet: Eating junk can make one less healthy and more stressed and more emotionally fragile Some healthy proteins and veggies can do wonders.
18. Consider connecting with one’s faith/culture if it will help. This won’t help everyone and is really case by case.
19. Get back in touch with family if it will help. Again not for everyone, but can help some people.
20. Discover baths - they are super relaxing and helpful!
21. Consider Gardening! - it is outdoor activity that lends itself well to the time of social distancing and food shortages.
22. Also walks! - They are simple and get one out moving and in the sun.
23. Give back to one’s community - sewing masks, making disinfectant, delivering groceries to neighbors can help one feel connected in a time of crisis.
24. Get a pet - Pets are wonderful and don’t care if you are socially awkward. However it is important to provide any pet one takes with excellent care.
25. If one does apologize, never make excuses. There is no excuse for not treating someone else right. Nobody owes forgiveness. Keep any apologies simple, short and sincere. Be prepared not to be forgiven.
26. Remember actions speak louder than words - acting right for a period of time, maybe a long period of time will do more to show good than lots of msb posts or words.
27. Give back to a game as well - run prps, provide others with fun rp, make them pretty things - see what one can do to help others have fun.
28. It's okay if others get epic things you don’t get. Be chill. Be happy for them.
29. What others think o one is not one's business. Peeps are allowed to think bad of one. That is their right.
30. Can’t please or win over everyone - some people will always dislike one. That is okay. Find others.
31. Respect and uphold game rules a game posts. If one does not agree with staff/the rules. Find another game.
32. It is okay to be sad, depressed and to cry even about the game. But get off game until this passes.
33. One is the center of their story. Try not to get it stuck in one's head they need a certain person to include them or a certain invite into a special plot to have fun.
34. And probably the hardest thing to learn can be that it is not all about oneself. Everyone has their own issues and problems and their own limits. To be an upstanding member of the mushing community not only ask for empathy, but to give empathy.
35. Music - magical ,supernatural, beautiful, music has me believing in a god. It can very much effect one's mood. Nothing quite like logging off and dancing around to some music to get rid of mushing blues.
36. Cut back on the news is Covid Anxiety is a factor in any of this.

I hope this helps, it helps me, these are the 37 rules I try to follow! It is largely compiled from things other mushers told me while I was struggling and some comes from counsler and google. Some I read on msb.

I wish you every happiness and success AB. I hope you find wonderful rp in a community that works well for you. But even more so I hope your real life goes well. I am sorry you have had such a difficult time lately and I hope that things go better. I think they can go better.

I put in my two weeks notice today. Very hard to do. Have agency work lined up making 20-40 more per hour depending on the assignment. I feel bad, but all the management I used to work with left and we are down to just 4 day nurses who are not agency and they won't raise us to what they pay agency. And well it is not even a safe work setting and corporate is so checked out they are not even pretending to try and fix things. But I do feel bad and I am bracing, not sure if can actually go through it. I did put in the note today though.

I have been really wanting to return to Arx, but it has been super slow going for me and my plans to return and have time to play generally fall apart. I even rudely fell asleep on someone while trying to play the other day. They were very kind and understanding about it.

I am working right now in a facility that is a wonderful place of healing and redemption. It is my favorite nursing job ever. We are covid free, which is absolutely wonderful. We did have a huge outbreak, but are through such. The department of health has cleared us to take patients again and we are taking patient's with a history of homelessness and mental illness who got noticed due to the covid outbreak. They got covid were sent the facility that is not covid free and is taking covid patients and then were sent to us when they are through it. One good thing that came out of covid is the needs of some of the homeless in the county were I work are being noticed more often and addressed. Some people post covid have long covid and prolonged help which means there can be an ongoing need for medical help in those who have had covid.

Anyways because of the nature of were I work which is considered a very intense nursing setting and a somewhat dangerous place to work combined with the nationwide nursing shortage, even while covid free we are very short staffed and have a hard time even hiring agency and travel nurses willing to work there. We are super busy with new admissions - getting them settled in and managed and on the unit that is right for them and etc. I worked the covid unit when we had covid and now I am working the unit with the admissions as they are quarantining for 14 days and using our covid rooms. The state has us doing 14 day isolation even if they just had covid. Its isolation whenever one moves facilities regardless.

What this all means is that I am still working a lot of hours. Not for the money, not because I want to. I want a break, but because I feel like if I don't, nobody else will. The regular nurses and CNAs there are all busting ass. Nursing management is working the floor already. Agency is telling them no and working instead what is considered more desirable settings.

I say what is /considered/, because I love where I work. To me it is the most desirable setting - because we are helping those who need such the most and because there is so much healing and heart there. Because leadership rolls up their sleeves and provides direct care, does whatever is needed to help our patients.

That being said, I am still working a ton of hours. I am trying to slowly come back when I can. I am sorry if I ignored your pages, fell asleep, didn't come on a day when I said I might play. I can assure everyone I have talked that nothing in me being distant and distracted is personal. I am just so exhausted on my days off. I keep saying, I will be back, I will be back.

Then my days off come and I am like wow...I have a lot of laundry to wash. I am too sleepy to pose.

I might play today, but...I keep saying that and not doing it!

Anyways, thanks for reading and listening if you read all that long ramble.

It is always fine and even often healthy to take a break from mushing be that break an hour or forever or anything in between.

While we have historically not got along, have clashing personalities, I am confident that many players found your games to be wonderful fun and remember them fondly and don't find your replaceable, far from it.

I am confident that many who played with your on arx or been in your prps would say the same.

Mushing is both just a game and more than a game at the same time.

By that I mean....

In most cases people and events in our real lives are going to matter more than what happens on the game. We are often mushing to have fun moment by moment and the moments can soar by without the same kind of building that might happen in real life. Our virtual friendships might be played for a short time and our virtual babies might never grow up our virtual wars fought and forgotten, fading. We might get fuzzy on some of the scenes we had and some of the people we played with. Games come and go. Worlds rise and fall, ending mostly with whimpers rather than bangs.

On the other hand, real friendships and memories are made in mushing. I absolutely love to talk with people who were around in Arx in 2018 about the stories we told and the rp we had back then. I will smile fondly over old mushing memories and maybe even cried over a few of them too. I cry more than I should or maybe I don't cry as much as I should. or maybe there is no amount of /should or shouldn't/ when it comes to tears.

Virtual scenes can bring tears that are wet as the rain and sometimes real pain is too sharp and dry for even a drop.

I still to this day think fondly on the winter gray forest missions, even though they are now dusty and largely forgotten, little dust mites of near nothingness in the histories of Arx. Are they meaningless as they fade further and further from the relevence? Well what is the meaning of meaning?

They were joyous and sometimes, once in a while, I find someone talking about the winter mission the or attack on Maelstorm or the war of Silence, the dogs who killed Zhayla and Killian, the day Aislinn went missing from the ship and even of the five paladins, now you must remember them and so on and so forth.

And ever once in a while...Reese will tell some unlucky soul, a story of who one of the figurines she has placed around her tower was, going over the stories of the Killian, Esoka, Zhalya, Sparte, Estaban, Aiden, Harald, Copper, Joslyn, Aislinn, Niamh, Rymarr - the people she used to know and rarely just ever so rarely, she alludes to Ainsley.

I try not to bore the poor people too much though with stuff before their time, but I do think of that song, empty chairs at empty tables sometimes when I a playing her.

I have made close friends who with whom my relationships with transcends any games even if we started by just roleplaying, but was it ever /just/ roleplaying. With some, not with all.

You fucked up. I have too We all fucked up, in one way or another, some in lots of ways or another. I am sure I have in lots of ways.

You are memorable. I certainly remember. Much of Reese's interaction with Ainsley, even the tense interactions drove her to become what she has become. I like what she has become.
It threads under the surface, Reese pushed herself so far partly because of a certain scene we had. I won't go into the details as that will derail. But the point is, Ainsley still effects the game and is not forever faded or forgotton.

Walking with those memories and leaving mushing is a valid choice, a very valid choice, but the echoes of the scenes you once had and the worlds you have built will linger in your mind and in the minds of others, maybe the hearts too.

Those you played on Arx are not forgotten. The games you ran are not forgotten. Things would be not be quite the same if your characters were played by anyone else.

But even more so, Cobalt is not forgotten.

We had historic wildfires that was quite close to my work and home, blanketing everything in smoke and getting near enough where my job had to start thinking of possible evacuation plans, but also were it lead to staff calls off.

Then we got a historic for the time of year winter storm that dumped almost a foot of snow on us. It helped the fires - but lead to people who evacuated having to worry about not having winterized homes and lead to more calls off, including some people ended up in the ditch on the way to work. They were fine though.

At that same time we learned that some of nursing management were covid positive and some had to quarantine due to being offices with then and the like.

So on Monday between covid, storms and fires only about 30% of nursing staff made it in the morning. I was one of that 30%. We ran our asses off, but made it through and the patient's were okay and later in the day more people did make it in.

I partly made it in cause a friend with a truck was driving me back an forth to work in the snow and even got us a hotel one night when the storm was really coming and I had less than 6 hours between shifts. He was like fuck, hotel room, a few blocks away. I am very grateful for him.

I was worked some 18 hour shifts in that all and I am quite sore!

But I never felt like stronger and less anxious and I feel about being there for the fight of 2020 and making it in for our patients. I plant to keep making it in while I can.

I am having a hard time adjusting to the pandemic being over. That might sound odd or maybe it doesn't sound so odd, I don't know how other people feel on this all.

I go places and see all these people without masks and get a bit nervous, maybe more than a bit. I put my mask even though I am fully vaccinated. I feel confused as strangers will get near to me while I am in my scrubs. Even the roads being filled to cars, feels more unreal than when they were empty.

I was convinced a few weeks back, we had a few rogue positive covid tests, that we had a variant in the building and the pandemic would all start a new and be vaccine resistant. I was terrified of that, but also resigned and ready to fight the next the battle in werid sort of way. I feel like I am just waiting for the next crisis to hit and can't stop the waiting. I don't even want to take my mask off when places say no mask required.

Us all testing negative and the state saying patient's don't even need to mask in the builiding anymore and life going back to normal has me feeling strangely a bit numb and confused. I should be happy and I kind of am. But I am kind of lost too. Things going back to normal feels surreal.

I find myself shifting between fearing a variant, being happy life is back to normal and feeling like...well it is hard to explain sort of shell shocked, not that I have the time to take a breath and be shellshocked. I lost several wonderful patients and I find myself thinking about them, long after other people in the building seemed to have moved on. I find myself reliving my own epperience of almost having a covid stroke and like...I almost died and I didn't even get that then. I was in the rush to get back to work while still short of breath, that seems sort of extreme now that I think about that. I am like was that really me?

I find it werid to see people gathering without masks and moving on and while I am glad that people are and happy about it, I sort of feel like I might never move on. I am not sure I even want to move on. It feels almost disrespectful to move on. I still cry over people who died. I cry over them more now than I did in the midst of things, I didn't have time to in the midst of things, but now it is really hitting me.

I am not fully sure how to move on. I feel like life will never be back to normal or back to the way it was before.

I used to write really badly when I mushed. So much so that people would ask me if I was English as a second lang and not always believe when when I said, I wasn't!

I started to mush before I went through nursing school and I think that mushing actually helped to get my understanding of the written word high enough where I could make it through said program.

Mushing has been overall good for me and helpful. I meant lots of understanding and wonderful people. I learned alot about language and the meaning behind words and etc. I came a long way in my understanding of words since I started to mush.

When I am really exhausted or babbling in ooc talks, my typing and word use sometimes get really really bad. Some of you have seen and tried to patiently read through it! Thank you.

I have had bad moments though in mushing where it was not the best for me, where I was taking it to seriously and getting too insecure. If that was autism or just me, who knows.

One could even argue I am not really autistic, but am instead developementally disabled or learning disabled around language. But I don't think the terms don't matter exactly. We all have our issues to overcome and differences.

I do find it interesting that some people with autism are hyperlexic. It seems that maybe autism can cause extremes in both directions. It is fascinating.

I also want to say this to parents with kids with autism.

The experts are not always right about it. They will say things like this child is low funcitoning and will never be able to xyz. They are often wrong. Autism is deeply complicated and many people on the spectrum understand more than many realize and will make sudden leaps forward.

I am not saying that if someone has a low funcinting autism child they will for sure reach the point of being able to care for themselves and work - but I am saying it is much more possible than many experts will lead one to believe. And that nobody really knows what their future will bring.

I was considered by /experts/ to be basically mentally retarded because I couldn't outwardly express myself in a way they could understand. But I did feel alot of pain and hurt, realizing that people were not able to understand me and believed I was dumb. I was grasping more than they realized.

So I def urge not to give up hope and to understand that many autistic children are more growing and learning differently and at a different pace, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them.

Player vs player in theory could be a wonderful and exciting thing. After all drama, conflict and change makes a better storyline than everyone getting along and everything staying the same. Conflict doesn't need resolve with the death or destruction of another character - it could be competition over who has the most social prestige, who throws the best parties and etc. Conflict could also resolve with characters coming to work together and get along. Conflict and competition often gets people more invested into games. However it can also go very very wrong.

I think player vs player should probably only be pursued when....

1. Everyone is on board and wants this kind of rp.
2. Everyone is prepared for the possibility that they might not come out ahead. That their character might be defeated whether that ends in character death or in just not getting a title or whatever.
3. Anyone engaging in player vs player should like each other ooc and respect each other's rp or at least be neutral toward each other. Anyone who dislikes each other ooc, is having an ooc conflict or is healing from a recent ooc conflict should avoid pvp rp with each other. It is better to avoid/ignore a player/character one cannot stand than engage in pvp.
4. The player vs player storyline is not being pursued ooc and people are not getting on discord and plotting how to /get/ the characters they are against and etc.
5. Everyone involved doesn't view their character as totally the hero/good person in the situation, but sees it as a more complicated situation and is able to see that their character has some faults.
6. It is not a case of ooc clique against ooc clique, but is the result of story. Or rather it is character vs character rather than player vs player.
7. Fading to black and hand waving is always kept as an option if anyone involved is no longer having fun.
8. Players have only one alt going after any given character and are careful to avoid any COI.
9. Nobody is being stalked, harassed or followed around and etc.
10. One is being careful to not use information their character wouldn't have access to in the conflict
11. Having fun is the goal rather than winning.
12. Everyone can emotionally distance from the situation and are in a headspace there they can take a break when needed and etc.

I feel the need to vent about real life so comes here!

First of I spent forever on the phone with a friend who I had to tell about 20 times, no I cannot go anywhere. Not even church. Not to a tea party! As she asked me over and over again to go out and do things. I told about 20 times I am working a covid unit, I cannot go /anywhere/. And that it is because I care about her and my community that I won't, not because I don't care! I want to go, but it has to wait until I am sure I am not bringing the covid along with. But it was stressful, saying it again and again and it not sinking in.

Then on the other side, I have my mom, who is cowering in absolute fear, glued to CNN and who I found myself lieing to only because she would have panic attack if I told her the truth about how much covid I am around. Now I feel guilty for that, but I don't want to freak her out either. I am torn about telling the truth or not.

Second rant is that I just spent quite a bit of my own money to track down some n95 for my unit since we don't have enough. I am like grr give us more.

@Ganymede

Means a lot you feel that way. I am going to work on some boundary enforcement, confident building, will try. and think its time for me to to stop posting for a bit.

@Ganymede

I know! I am kicking myself. I need to make some major changes.

@Ganymede

I had people tell me if you don't consent will pkill you, that would still show up as a consented to scene.

@Ganymede

It looks very much like him, but I don't know for sure. The tells all are all the from that read and from what they said on Brandnewday. There is a ton in common between this guy and Isaac's pc, including in writing styles, type of pc and voice. But there are a few diffs that make me not fully certain. Idk. But the bottom line I guess is that if someone is acting way if they are not a famous creeper, it is not okay. Rightmeow experience was so close to mind that someone though I wrote her post and she was me!

Can anyone who has had experience with him, give me some of his tells? Think might have had a run in with him, but not sure. Feel free to PM me too.

@faraday

I agree with you both on this. Pcs are the special, the characters and we should be assuming there are plenty of average npcs around.

That being said it still can be sort of suck when onels character was not allowed to be special/beautiful etc when most other characters are and the average normal expected thing for a pc seems to be to have this special.

@faraday

I agree with you a lot. I have found when people try to limit the special, they generally do mean they want to limit it for others not themselves or their buddies

The only way to limit special non-toxically is to have the same rules for everyone, like maybe one special alt per player or something. .

@macha

hehe, I am 5'6 with long skinny bones which is a bit on the tall side for a female. I love to player shorter characters! But I never play shorter than 5 foot as I don't like to be like I am the smallest ever either.

I also often play characters with curly hair and I have pin straight hair. So sometime there is I would love be short with curly hair behind my character looks.

The whole if everyone is exceptional, nobody is exceptional on mushing is def a thing, but it is also hard to mitigate as trying to do so can lead to only staff alts and the alts of staff friends being allowed special things as it is only human nature to make the case-by-case exceptions for one's self and one's friends.

So I played a game where I was told no to taking striking looks as they were trying to limit it. It was a small game and most characters were staff alts and ooc their friends. I get ic and every single female character I ever saw but mine own had striking looks in some kind of hot/beautiful way. So she was the only average looking female character on the game, which make her less average on a game where everyone was strikingly hot.

@derp

That is a good way to view it. I have wondered while being on a wod game how to respond to over the top appearance stats/attraction related merits. Maybe to look at as they are gorgeous to most of the world, but pcs still have some agency in how they respond, is a good way to think.