Online friends
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A post elsewhere prompted me to ask in a thread dedicated to the topic.
Are online friends real friends? Where do you draw the line, if you do?
Let's define online friends in this context as 'people you haven't and/or don't expect to meet in real life'.
- He who takes offense when not intended is a fool. He who takes offense when intended is a greater fool.
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I mean -- yes? The two I referenced earlier I have, in fact, met in RL, so I don't know if they would count for this. But I have not met @Devrex, for instance, and I consider him an excellent friend, just like the friends in RL.
AND, just like RL people, there are levels, or I guess -- rings? Like, certain circles wherein certain members get additional trust/attention/obligation over others. Some are acquaintances that you know from work and are friendly with but you aren't gonna offer to help them move furniture or whatever. Others are people that you would totally let crash on your couch if they needed it. Whatever.
Racism isn't Tinkerbell. It doesn't need you to believe in it for it to exist.
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Online friends are real friends! I care about them, want to know how they're doing, enjoy talking with them about random things. Like all friends, they're not all EQUAL friends - there are casual friends, close friends, and intimate friends, but yeah, they're real friends.
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@bear_necessities is one of my bestest friends. We met on a MUSH and now hang out in-person every few months. Is she my online friend? My real friend?
THIS IS TOO MUCH
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@krmbm said in Online friends:
@bear_necessities is one of my bestest friends. We met on a MUSH and now hang out in-person every few months. Is she my online friend? My real friend?
THIS IS TOO MUCH
I also met my best RL friend through my first MU*. A++ friend, definitely 'real' friend. And several others that I've met in RL from online spaces who are good, fun friends.
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@arkandel said in Online friends:
Are online friends real friends? Where do you draw the line, if you do?
Of course they are.
I mean, I think they are.
If I had them.
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@pyrephox said in Online friends:
I also met my best RL friend through my first MU*. A++ friend, definitely 'real' friend. And several others that I've met in RL from online spaces who are good, fun friends.
My husband and I met on a MUSH.
He's still just my online friend, though.
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Yes. Friends are friends, people are people, and I communicate with my "online friends" the same way I communicate with my meat-space friends the same way I communicate with my coworkers while I'm working remotely. I don't categorize my relationships based on how far they live from me these days. Like, is my SO's brother, who I play games with online, my meatspace friend? My online friend? He lives in another state and we've never met in person and just play games, but -- SO's brother. What about his friends? What do THEY count as? Yeah, no. They're all just "friends". Some of them are friends I game with, and some of them are friends I talk about mental health with, and some are friends I go to coffee with, and--they're just friends.
It's a Very Big word.
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@krmbm you're my bestest friend too
ETA: wait i'm sorry i mean my bestest online real online friend
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@derp Back atcha, man.
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I think all but four of my current batch of "RL friends" are people I at first met online long before I got to hang in person, so I don't make a divide at all, I just do the same as most here...there's levels, the people I spend more or less time with or am closer with or less close with, but are still friends. Don't always talk to every online friend as much as I'd like to but there's fluctuations in everyone's time/energy too.
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Yes. Simply put. More so after I became too disabled to have much of a social life in meatspace.
Making online friends is as joyful. Losing them hurts just as much.
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Sure!
I think that like any relationship though, it's on the two people involved to put the label that best fits them. If they label themselves best friends. They are best friends. If they label themselves writing partners. They are writing partners.
When it comes down to it, we are all people sharing our time and talents with each other. I don't know if it needs a label. I think it's more important that we are respecting the people around us and appreciative of their time and interpersonal communication. Sometimes I think we lose too much of the enjoyment by trying to define it and put the label on it.
Also @Ganymede we are totally friends. You don't get a say (j/k). We were friends from the first cat pic.
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@rightmeow said in Online friends:
Also @Ganymede we are totally friends. You don't get a say (j/k). We were friends from the first cat pic.
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Yes — but I would add the caveat that they're a different kind of friend and that it's important to keep things in perspective.
There are some perks that online friends offer that RL friends don't. The inverse is also true. In some ways my online friends know me on a more intimate level than my RL friends do because I'm able to communicate with them far more deeply via long chats over Discord late into the night, and depending on how many communities we share they get to see me in a variety of contexts, one-on-one, communal and public. I'm able to share sides of myself that I might not share IRL because of how it would impact me professionally or whatever else. My RL community was in some ways forced on me by geography, culture and circumstance, whereas my online community is almost entirely by choice. My online friends by and large don't know who I was 10 years ago and aren't likely to hold onto those biases, whereas to my childhood friends for instance I may never not be the rebellious slacker at school. I see most of my RL friends maybe once a week; I see most of my online friends maybe every day.
If you're kind of weird compared to the general population, finding people on your wavelength IRL can be a lot harder and often just down to luck. Whereas online you can join an entire community of weirdos, like this one.
The downside though is that online friends can't touch you. They can't hug you when you need to be hugged and their intimacy doesn't provide a rush of endorphins. When you're grieving the loss of a loved one or a fresh breakup, they won't come over and bring you soup. They won't buy you a drink on your birthday, wait by your hospital bed or check out a local restaurant/club with you. And sometimes their interest in you may well be conditional to your current shared interests and community; I'm sure we've all had the experience of drifting apart from a seemingly close online friend once you stopped playing the same MU*.
Sometimes being on the same intellectual wavelength isn't half so important as just being there, period. And I can't depend on my online friends for that; I try to maintain healthy boundaries and keep in mind that just because we're vibing the same RP right now doesn't mean we're actually friends.
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All of my closest friends are ones that I met online. I now live in a house of RPers.
So, like, yeah.
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It's 2021, I doubt anyone (especially here) is going to say online friends aren't "real."
@arkandel said in Online friends:
Where do you draw the line, if you do?
This the more interesting question to me. I've definitely gone too far in online friendships, and I strongly suspect most of us could say they relate.
I tend to be more reserved now, but I still don't know exactly where the line should be. There does seem to be a point where you're giving and accepting so little that I would personally find it really difficult to call that relationship what I consider friendship -- instead of just like, an acquaintance I guess? Gaming buddy? -- and it seems like that arm's length is actually where I've found most MU people keep most other MU people.
What factors make y'all decide to move further? Is it solely just time and trust?
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@wizz said in Online friends:
What actually makes y'all decide to move further? Is it solely just time and trust?
That's definitely what it is for me. I generally wait a good while into a RP connection before offering to swap Discord handles or whatnot. I want to feel like we have an actual OOC vibe going on and that they're a, you know, fun and reasonable person. I don't want people who are all but strangers having direct off-game methods of contact for me.
After that? I think just time and trust, yeah. And overall friendship chemistry. Some folks you may like and be friendly with OOC, but you just don't necessarily get into deeper personal stuff, and that's totally cool. Others you just find your way there to a closer friendship.
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@wizz said in Online friends:
It's 2021, I doubt anyone (especially here) is going to say online friends aren't "real."
@arkandel said in Online friends:
Where do you draw the line, if you do?
This the more interesting question to me. I've definitely gone too far in online friendships, and I strongly suspect most of us could say they relate.
I tend to be more reserved now, but I still don't know exactly where the line should be. There does seem to be a point where you're giving and accepting so little that I would personally find it really difficult to call that relationship what I consider friendship -- instead of just like, an acquaintance I guess? Gaming buddy? -- and it seems like that arm's length is actually where I've found most MU people keep most other MU people.
What factors make y'all decide to move further? Is it solely just time and trust?
There's actually a phenomenon called the Online Disinhibition Effect - so if you ever feel like you've gotten too close too fast with someone, you're not alone and it's just a way our brains work. Talking to people online tends to be less immediately threatening than face to face, so you can share and bond /very/ fast, outpacing enduring trust and knowledge, and then emotionally recoil when you realize how vulnerable you are (or when you realize that the other person isn't as in sync with you as they first appeared).
But, aside from that - I make online friends the same way I make RL friends, honestly. First through shared hobbies, then through assessing if I feel like I 'get' them and they 'get' me, open up a little, see what happens. I'm a slow friendship builder, though, so I often feel that online relationships can leave me behind or I accidentally hurt people by recoiling a little from TMI sooner than I feel comfortable with dealing with that with a particular person.
So I'd definitely say I have an order of magnitude more /friendly acquaintances/ online than /friends/. Although that's true in RL, too. So.
