MUSH Marriages (IC)

[tangent]

@surreality Tell me you were the person who junked the baby. Or, at least tell me you know more specifics about that story. It was before my CS time.

[surreality]

@tangent I never had a MUbaby in a MUmarriage, so not me.

[tangent]

Man I want to know that story in specific and glorious detail

[Darinelle]

@deadempire said in MUSH Marriages (IC):

Where do you find these people? Teach me your ways! I've gotten chastised for... Rping on my alt while with my partner, for TSing on my alt while me partner was in a GMed scene, for my character being sightly rude to her character for in character reasons, FOR HAVING A RELATIONSHIP ON MY ALT...

How long did this relationship continue? Too long. Just. Too long. Didn't get married. Glad I didn't.

Well. For one thing, I don't tend to RP a relationship or even pursue a romantic relationship until after I've some indication that the player is sane. In terms of MUSHing, this means I spend an ETERNITY RPing with someone before I'm willing to move it forward in any way. (As an example, Leona has existed since alpha on Arx, I've been RPing her most of that time, and I have considered a romantic relationship of sorts with exactly -one- person, and that was only in the last 3? 4? months)

But at any sign of jealousy, weird pages about who I'm RPing with, unrespected boundaries, or any weirdness OOC I'm going to be ICly uninterested and OOCly uncommunicative. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

It means my characters tend to not be romantically entangled, but also when they are the players tend to be ok. Aldrin's player has been my favorite by far though - he continues to be amazing people.

[DeadEmpire]

@darinelle Yeah, I'm starting to think that I might not be the best judge of character.

[Tinuviel]

@deadempire Judging character is easy. "What is this lying fucker lying about now?" /s

[Darinelle]

@deadempire IME your biggest pitfall in this is that you leap in and hope for the best before they've had a chance to prove you right or wrong. Which is basically what almost everyone does on any MUSH ever anyway, so it's not like you're alone in this!

Just give people a chance to show their colors before you intertwine things. It's the same as "I know we've only been RPing for a day but it's been a great RP days, here are all my secrets!" It just has such amazing potential to go so hideously wrong.

*Edited to fix a spelling error.

[DeadEmpire]

@darinelle Oh shit. Well, looks like you've got my number!

[Snackness]

@darinelle This is my approach too. My characters are lonely as a result, but I prefer it to the alternative.

[Sockmonkey]

Let's see!

I think the only MU* marriages I have had have been on Firan since marriage was such an integral part of that game. Diamia picked Lucas with her marriage prize and HOOBOY, that caused all sorts of drama (both IC and OOC -- the latter is what prompted Caroline to first start fiddling with the praise/diss code that ultimately got her kicked off staff but that is another story). Didn't actually end up marrying Lucas -- got hitched to Rikon instead which was a very solid relationship both in and out of character. I got along with the player really, really well and we are still friends to this day (I just got back from visiting him actually!) Lucile was married to Daranos briefly before he died; then she had a nice romance with Ryzen and was going to marry him before Custodius murdered him.

I like romance being a part of my RP (and omg, if it can be tragic romance, all the better) but not the whole of it. Its success is largely dependent on my RP partner and if there is even a whiff of OOC possessiveness, then the whole thing sours. Don't pull those kind of stunts, man. I am just here to tell a story, not to be some kind of online surrogate.

[Herja]

The only MUSH marriage I've ever had has been Eleyna and Talen marriage on Arx, but I would say it has been highly successful both IC and OOC.

[Pog]

I was engaged to Hawker.

I probably shouldn't have any further input.

[Ganymede]

Dabbling with divorce law, I can tell you that reading all these stories makes me giggle.

Like, lemme tell you how bad divorces can get.

Seriously.

Like, some petty bullshit, what. And some goddamn stupidity in the laws.

Goddamned.

Y'all lucky.

[Arkandel]

The idea of any close IC relationship - a marriage, ghoul/domitor, sometimes even just being in the same pack - without netting the other player first seems like an open invitation for disaster to strike.

Unless you are absolutely prepared to take no shit, and I mean having @Ganymede levels of it, I would really not advise it. Hint: If shit happens and instead of shutting it down pronto you try to debate it or reason with it, or - even worse! - you just don't say anything hoping it will go away on its own, then you are doing it wrong, and I expect to see it all explode in a Hog Pit thread at some point in the future.

Do you want to be popcorn bait for someone else's slow morning?

[Lotherio]

Divorce came up. I just want to throw out there, I've played around the data pool/marriage lottery and such on various MUs, the matchmaker stuff.

I think more intrigue to this idea would be updating it to include third parties/keep couples in the shuffle and run it every few months with them regardless. Instead of just finding someone to date, it should include people already dating or married but assign a new partner to meet. Like meeting someone on the side to flirt or stir drama or to just switch after a bad breakup/rebound or whatever. Realistically few people I know have remained with the first person they dated and all. Maybe it leads to break up, maybe it strengthens the initial couple, but couples shouldn't be removed from these pools/lotteries. That would create some interesting drama if you ask me. Or if the first is a flop for those who try these lotteries, it gives them a new potential.

[Zz]

@arkandel I appreciate that @Ganymede has their own level on the take-no-shit-ometer

[FirePuff]

I've had several types of IC relationships, from marriage, to poly marriage, and even abusive marriages (IC only, you really gotta trust the other player to play it well).

[Ganymede]

@arkandel

You make me sound like such a fucking bitch.

Look, it's real simple. I actually take massive amounts of shit from people all the time, patiently and quietly. But when something happens that is abusive or wrong, or I simply don't agree with it, I follow a simple flow-chart of discussion:

1. "I need to talk to you about X. I'm not comfortable with it. Would you please stop doing X? I'd appreciate it."

Simple. Easy. It's at this point that shit should just stop. A simple "okay, I understand" is fine. I don't need an apology or explanation. Just acknowledge that you received the message and stop doing what you're doing. If you want to explain, I'll listen, but that does not mean I'll change my mind. Why? Because if I've addressed the problem, then there is a problem, and know that I don't knee-jerk when it comes to bringing up problems; I've better things to do with my time than make up some petty shit.

2. "Okay, let me rephrase that: stop doing X, or I will make you stop."

Again, simple and easy. This response means that I'm not open to further discussion, if you're debating the pros and cons as to why you are doing what you're doing. Just stop doing X. That's all I'm asking.

3. <insert action here>

If I'm a player, I complain to staff, and I keep on complaining until I get heard, and if the offender isn't shit-canned or disciplined to my satisfaction, I leave. If I'm a staff member, I will request that the game owner/operator permanently eject you, or, at the very least, forbid you from applying back into my sphere of responsibility. And if I'm the game owner/operator, expect a permanent banning.

I apply the same rules with my kids:

1. "Honey, would you please stop screaming at the top of your lungs? I don't like it, it's too loud. Thank you."
2. "Let me rephrase that: stop screaming now, or you're going to your room."
3. "Go to your room." followed by Ganymede walking over, grabbing child, hauling them bodily to their room, and closing their door

My advice: just be clear with your expectations, and hold firm. If other players don't get by that, screw them. People will push and push until they get what you want; when they realize they won't get what they want, they will leave you alone.

I think this is why my IC and OOC relationships with players tend to last for a long time.

[Roz]

Yeah, it really just is a matter of boundaries. The real difference between players who tend to find themselves caught up in a shitty game relationship versus those who don't are boundaries. People who have good boundaries will do what @Ganymede says: tell people early or immediately to stop doing a thing that's inappropriate or uncomfortable and, if they don't stop, excise them from your RP fun and, where appropriate, report to staff.

I know this isn't easy for everyone, but it really does come down to being the only answer. No one else can create and enforce reasonable boundaries for you; you have to do it yourself. Players with good boundaries don't just have the magical luck to never come across crappy players; it's just that they don't generally end up entwined with them.

[Three-Eyed Crow]

The most important thing I look for in someone I want to RP relationship stuff with is...is this person OOCly chill? I've been a lot happier in my since I just NOPED out of relationship stuff with players where the answer was no.

Far as IC marriage goes, I love my shipper RP but haven't gotten my chars married a lot. It rarely feels necessary or organic to me, and I tend to slot it in as an epilogue to where certain relationships end up (or not) when I fade out an alt. I did marry off my character on the GoT MU Steel and Stone, which was life-ruining in some fun dramatic ways. And my alt on Arx, which so far has not ruined her life at all, and just seemed like the natural place to take a long-term thing.