I should have said this to you a long time ago, but I was angry and upset when it seemed at the time you had caved to player pressure on the game. But I apologize to you. When I was on your game, at your table, I was an asshole. I wanted to be part of the in-crowd so desperatedly, I thought maybe.. if I joined in with their little in-jokes and suggestive commentary, I'd be accepted. I was wrong. And I did take it too far. I tried to reign it in, and then eventually I'd find myself floating back beyond the boundry again.
What happened with Snowglass was unacceptable. If I made her uncomfortable, that was clearly on me, and between me and I. I apologized to her on numerous occassions, but we have drifted apart since then, and there's nothing I can do about that. I regret losing a friend. I regret more taking advantage of that friendship when I clearly did.
@cupcake. I know I was a complete asshole to you on BSO. I can never fix that. I was so jealous at the attention that you got and it appeared to me that you had a favored status - and I just resented that. So I took it out on the only flaw I percieved you had. And that was completely wrong of me. I really did try at first with Zachary to get things off the ground. But I couldn't get people to go on patrols. I didn't understand what it was that Dropkick was wanting me to do and when I was too prideful to ask for direction. Eventually, I just retreated, and did what I thought everyone else was doing - concentrating on personal RP. Did I hit on women - yes. I won't deny that. I won't deny that I was having a terrible time and wanted something to build my confidence and make me feel whole again. And I took it out on you. When we met again years later as Joachim and Lydia - I didn't even know it was you. I was just excited to RP with you again and terrified that if I revealed to you who I was, you'd hate me forever. With this post, I wouldn't blame you if you did feel betrayed. I should have told you who I was. I should have never accepted the invitation to BSO's reboot. I apologize for both of those. And worse, I apologize for not treating you with the respect you so richly deserve. You are a great person and someone I enjoyed talking to.
Back to @faraday. Thank you for the swift kick in the ass. Thank you for the talks afterwards. Thank you for holding your ground, no matter how pissed I got. I've had time to think and process it all. Maybe someday I'll be welcomed onto the next game you decide to set up when BSGU runs it's course. I promise I will try harder and heed your advice further.
To BSU, I'm sorry that you had to deal with me at my worse. I wanted to fit in. And I tried too hard, and when it went against me, instead of stepping back and reconsidering my actions, I doubled down because I was sure of the strife and feedback and honestly thought that by running and doing things would outweigh my abrasiveness. It didn't. I didn't fit in, and I tried too hard to be something I wasn't and I ended up resenting myself and the game - and it was inevitable I would be removed - and I blame noone for their complaints about it.
To BSO, I'm sorry I came back on your game, Dropkick. I should have stayed gone - but I wanted to try to make it right. I didn't, and when I realized I was starting to fall back into old habits, I left rather than trying to stay on board. Was I called out eventually? Yes. I had no plans to return to the game, I was too lost in the giant theme shift that had happened, and that things were all confusing with the whole relationship stuff. Which.. well, to Bennett/Clara, I'm sorry for getting in the middle of all that stuff with Randy and Clara and Elena, and that's why I sorta.. just wanted to pull away. I should have just said so more clearly instead of trying to make it work.