Someone else did a thing, a while back. And, honestly, much as that person and I no longer see eye to eye on many things, the intent behind what she did was noble, and still stands out in my mind as 'a thing she did that was not only needed, but mature and courageous.'
It's difficult, apologizing. Even when you know damned well that you're in the wrong, pride can be a bitter pill to swallow. It's the mark of a conscientious, adult human being when one can choke that pill down and do what's right.
I owe a lot of people apologies. Not quite on the same scale, but I feel just as important, I owe explanations. Not justifications, not excuses, but questions have been posed to me that with only a few recent exceptions, I've deigned not to answer for reasons I thought at the time were considerate towards others, and wise.
Not a whole lot of you know me. And that's okay. I generally tend to try and keep my head down, my nose clean, and utilize this hobby we all share to spend time with the people I care about, weaving stories together and having fun. So I don't usually wind up joining in on this board, because so often it can veer so wildly off into negativity and drama -- a pairing that makes for the quickest drain on funtimes I can think of. So, a lot of people likely won't have any clue as to context, here, and probably won't give much of it any thought. That's okay, too. If what's been happening had no negative impact on you, I'm genuinely glad, and wholly in support of you being all, 'ohmigod this chick is writing some kind of novella, screw this' and closing the thread. For the rest, though..
I've been absent a lot, the past half a year or so. In activity levels, yes, but what I'm talking about goes deeper than that. There were lots of times that I was here, but not really here, if that makes sense. I wasn't myself. I wasn't there for the people who needed me, at all the times or in all the ways I would normally have bent over backwards to be there for. I wasn't always patient, or kind, or forthcoming, and sometimes I was selfish about things that, grand scheme, really should not have carried nearly the amount of weight I placed on them at the time. I was tired, I was moody, I was overly sensitive, and I was intolerant of things or people when I normally would've just smiled and chalked things up to differences of opinion, personality, or what have you. I wasn't 'me.' That person had faded into the background. I was 'absent.'
Back in December, I lost someone I held very dear to me. This someone was my 'person,' and it hit hard. I'd been struggling with depression for a solid chunk of time before that, so this loss hit me hard. But it also woke me up, at least a little. I'd lost this person because those things that made me who I was had already started to falter and fade, and they weren't willing to stick around and 1. watch it continue to happen, or 2. bear the brunt of my moodiness, my oversensitivity, etc. I can't fault them for that. Looking back, I don't think I would've wanted to stick around me, either.
It was shortly after that loss that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
The mass was small, but malignant. And frankly, were it not for the fact that the aforementioned person's abrupt departure had served as a solid slap upside my head, I might've just let myself sink all the way into oblivion. I would've helped my friends finish putting together the game we were starting, gotten my affairs in order, spent a little more time with the people who meant most to me, then just let go.
But I fought. The mass was removed, they got clear margins, my lymph nodes were blessedly clean. My oncologist suggested chemotherapy as a means of lessening the risk of recurrence, so I did that too, earlier this spring.
I didn't tell anyone about any of this. In retrospect, that wasn't very fair of me. The fight was hard, emotionally and mentally even more than physically. It was draining. I was tired all the time, I wasn't around as much, and if anything, I was even more moody than before. And the people closest to me suffered for it, which is precisely the thing I kept telling myself I wanted to prevent, when I made the decision to keep it to myself. I'd figured, hey. It was small, they got it out, I should be fine, so why bother anybody with it? People got problems of their own, they don't need to deal with mine, too. Instead, they wound up having to deal with the 'side effects' of what I was going through, without the benefit of knowing what I was going through.
That was wrong of me. And, to the people on whom it had an impact, I wanted to come forward and say that I was sorry. Genuinely, wholeheartedly sorry. None of you deserved any of that.
That's a blanket apology, offered up to the community as a whole. There are specific individuals, though, to whom I owe more personal apologies. I won't air the details of those situations publicly, and I won't try to force an interaction down anyone's throat that isn't wanted. But I will make myself available, so that these individuals can reach out to me if they choose to, and we can talk.
@Coin , @Auspice , @Goldfish , @Ghost , @Killer-Klown , @Botulism . I admit, I don't know a whole lot of people's handles on here, so there are others, but I'll likely need to reach out to them in some other way.
The one other handle I do know, which is fortunate as she's the biggest out of all of them.. @surreality .
I'm not looking for responses, here. I'm not looking for sympathy, or condolences. I can barely bring myself to wrap this all up and hit 'submit,' because I just.. don't really want undue attention. Most of all, I don't hold any expectations of forgiveness. None of the above excuses or justifies the way I've behaved, and I would never claim otherwise. But if recent months have taught me anything, it's "don't withhold the truth from the people who deserve it, respect from those for whom you feel it, and make damned sure every day of your life that the people you cherish know what they mean to you, and that they are appreciated."
... Also, "pride can get fucked."
You dont owe me an apology. Take care of yourself and be happy.
Theres no need to worry about a clean slate when I'm not keeping score.
It takes a lot of guts to apologize on the internet. People spend a lot of time doubling down on their opinions and standing firm when we could all be more flexible and forgiving and kind to one another.
Online friendships are tenuous under the best circumstances. I've lost many people far too easily and I have walked away with no more than a change of a screen name. I didn't know what was going on with you and I never poke or dig or press for those reasons. I rather have my friend hopefully come around than push them away.
No one is perfect. No one is above ugly behavior under the right circumstances. It doesn't make a person bad. Simply flawed, like the rest of mankind.
That said, I accept your apology, unconditionally. I am so happy to hear that you fought your cancer and are winning the battle. I wanna keep you for a while longer.
EDIT: Also, word to @Ghost. I don't keep score either.
I'm still absorbing this, so will likely try to talk to you privately later.
That said: anybody who gets the sadly typical MSB urge to quibble about the form of an apology or whatever, I will quite happily textually slap upside the head with the equivalent a giant mallet studded with nails.
No horse, no knowledge, just wanna say: congrats on kicking cancer's butt, and I'm glad it was caught early.
I am very sorry to hear about the cancer. Any cancer scare is a difficult one to deal with and I understand that urge to go 'I'll just deal with this in silence.' My own, a few years back, was thankfully caught early and handled easily. But I had much of the same considerations so I do quite understand where the thought process comes from.
That said, I am glad to hear that they were able to take care of it and that you were able to get yourself to go through what needed to be done. Taking care of yourself is important, but it is a whole big cumbersome process at times.
I know you said you didn't want the attention so maybe I'm bad for this, but I am really really really glad you got through the cancer. My work wife is finishing up her chemo right now and it's brutal, and I know I'm not even seeing the worst of it. Glad you had the wake up call and didn't give up.
@Scorn oh my gosh, congratulations on being cancer free! i'm so glad you found the desire to fight, and won that battle.
Am willing to just say 'you know what, fuck all that, let's just not stress it, because it isn't worth anybody's angst further' with two quick notes:
Dangit, you're supposed to lean on us for that kind of thing, that's what we're here for. Even when mad, a fuck is actually given.
Way less important, but still relevant: just so you know, whatever it was that went down on the game, I didn't even know until the post went up. Not kidding about that. I was not involved and thankfully TD was smart enough to keep me uninvolved, which I also appreciate. I had no clue until I asked if I was the 'campy' one. So that did not come from me -- and I wouldn't have done that.
Also have no idea about the situation in general, here to congratulate you on kicking cancer's butt, and give kudos for the strength required for that. I either have recently lost or am in the process of losing too many friends to cancer right now; hearing of someone coming through clean is enough to earn a smile.
@Scorn, I'm not a well-known member of this community at all, but I'm going to speak on its behalf. I'd like to start by saying you don't owe us, collectively, shit. You're kind, fun, intelligent, and creative. Thank you the contributions you have made. We look forward to more.
I'm just the peanut gallery here but...
1.) Public apologies don't mean nearly as much as private, personal ones.
2.) Apologies aren't as important as correcting bad behavior.
3.) Congratulations on being cancer free. Now you get a chance to be a better, happier person.
@Skydive said in From my heart.:
@Scorn, I'm not a well-known member of this community at all, but I'm going to speak on its behalf. I'd like to start by saying you don't owe us, collectively, shit. You're kind, fun, intelligent, and creative. Thank you the contributions you have made. We look forward to more.
JOINED 5 DAYS AGO
@Scorn said in From my heart.:
@Coin , @Auspice , @Goldfish , @Ghost , @Killer-Klown , @Botulism . I admit, I don't know a whole lot of people's handles on here, so there are others, but I'll likely need to reach out to them in some other way.
The one other handle I do know, which is fortunate as she's the biggest out of all of them.. @surreality .
So for my actual response to this post.
This is good that you call out the people by name that you want to apologize to but as others have mentioned private messages are also a good way to get it done and to maybe hash out some of the differences that caused these disputes in the first place.
@Rucket -- Absolutely. And if you read the paragraph directly above that one, you'll see that that was precisely my intention.
@Rucket Haters gonna hate.
FWIW, we did talk this out privately. Things are good. Also, re: Skydive, pretty sure that's not a sock.
Oh fucking well.
@surreality said in From my heart.:
also re Skydive, pretty sure that's not a sock.
I think @Skydive was talking about @Rucket being the hater.
A huge congratulations to @Scorn for beating the C and hope they continue to get better emotionally. Loss is a horrible thing, depression sucks, and as always, fuck cancer.
@Thenomain However, beating cancer doesn't make shitty behavior any less shitty.
One of my least favorite people in the world died of cancer. I cried for her when I found out she had cancer. I cried for her when she died. But I will always remember her as a sack of crap for the way she treated me and others.
@Admiral Look. I am not a ray of warm fuzzy sunshine on my best day. I haven't exactly been knocking it out of the park on unruffled chill since all my medical shit came rolling down the pike, either. I had a part in this, too, and even if I kept mum on names until the other day, I've been bitching and griping about this for a fucking month now.
I'm going to put this as simply as I can: sometimes, shit goes wrong. Sometimes even very wrong. There is a point, when you're brutally honest with yourself about things, when you realize, 'know what? The good shit that folks want to get back to is way better than being mad about this is ever gonna be'.
Shit went wrong. We got mad at each other. And then we got over it.
(Theno: I meant... Skydive is not a sock puppet.)
