Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.

Auspice

Urgh, I am sorry. Yeah, pro-booze then. And that somewhat sounds like what we did end up doing because family just kept pushing... and pushing. It became 'potluck in the park' essentially. I made family pay for it. All I paid for was the officiant because ultimately it became 'This isn't what I wanted' anymore. (and while I kinda wish I'd been more firm, I was just so tired by that point and the ex-husband just wanted it to stop, too)

All you can do is stand your ground: your wedding is yours. It's for you two, the couple. It is not for her, period. Full-stop. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Focus on doing you. Focus on friends. Focus on the family that will be there (like y'all's parents). And, hey, if you trust whichever of your parents is directly related to her? Talk to them. I finally confided in my dad how much I could not deal with his sister because of how she'd been treating me and the last time I saw her, she was a million times better than she had been the previous times. Sometimes it takes their own sibling going 'hey, leave my kid alone' and being reminded that you are a goddamn adult and it's not some 'co-parenting' situation.

mietze

My first wedding was huge, and most of the attendees were friends of my parents and shit (this is a thing sometimes I guess) and my huge ass extended family. My parents had saved up a good chunk of change specifically in a wedding account (Because it's very important to marry of your daughter and show it off). It was pretty, and all, but I felt panic pretty much all day long and my bff and her hubby had their car full of gas and a suitcase for me in case I just wanted to bail. Wish I had, they could see something I couldn't.

My second wedding and the marriage that has lasted now for almost 20 years we just picked a weekend, went to vegas, told everyone the dates (it was cheap to fly in to vegas from anywhere back in the day), went to a silly little wedding chapel (the pastor's speech was better than the one given by the guy I'd spent like 6 months in pastoral premarital counseling with in my first marriage) that took 15 minutes, and then took everyone out to dinner at a casino restaurant. I think the grand total for everything including hotel and airfare for us was like $500. My favorite wedding!

So I am a fan of keeping things small for ceremony if it's what you want, if you want to have a big party for a larger group later do it, or if you just want to chill afterwards it's fine. I have never met anyone who regretted doing less and having something comfortable vs. agreeing to getting pushed into more.

Tinuviel

@mietze +1 for small ceremony with bigish reception. Multiple receptions are possible to, if geography gets in the way.

mietze

I mean big weddings are fine too I have some friends that loved them or at least didnt seen to mind. I wish that people weren't such assholes about them to their own family members. Have what you want at your wedding, shut up and smile when its not your wedding, it shouldn't be that hard.

Packrat

My little brother's wedding this summer was pretty great, it was held in a field with a big tent available and the ceremony itself took place in an isle of trees to the side as we sat on benches made by my brother and his friends out of scrap firewood.

I think the total cost was a few thousand pounds because there was a huge supply or alcohol made available, a nice cake, a pig roast, ice cream, etc, along with I think somewhere around 200 people. Most people then slept overnight in tents.

Alamias

@mietze That is pretty much the carbon copy of my 2nd wedding.

The only difference is we had a small handful of people we told and brought with us, then everyone else got a 'Hey we did a thing, here is a reception in our back yard!' invite after the fact. We got a bit of flack and hurt feelings from the people that we didn't tell right away, but tough shit for them...we had a limited budget and didn't invite the world.

Aria

@Alamias said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

We got a bit of flack and hurt feelings from the people that we didn't tell right away, but tough shit for them...we had a limited budget and didn't invite the world.

Ding.

The average price of a traditional wedding in our city is up to something like $45,000. I can't even book a full day photographer for less than $4,000. Sorry we're not willing to wipe out most of my 401k or take out a loan the size of my student debt so I can meet some bullshit expectations for one day??

Alamias

@Aria Yeah, I hear ya. The wife and I had done the big wedding before with our respective first spouses, so this time we just went on the cheap and easy.

And let me tell you, having your wedding reception at Quark's bar while LeVar Burton just also happens to be there is just the icing on the non-existent wedding cake.

I miss Quark's. Hell, I miss the Warp Core Breach. They always tried to tell me that I needed someone else to drink one of those with me. I always proved them wrong.

Thenomain

@Ganymede said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Aria

Congratulations on your choice to get married. Be advised that your wedding day will be the subject of the complaints of the ignorant and the jealous. I can say that, without equivocation, no one who attended my wedding who complained remain in my life, so I look at the event as a tremendously successful weeding-out test.

One could almost say ... “wedding-out”.

Dad jokes

silverfox

The heater for my classroom and the classroom next door is broken. We're not freezing because we leave all the doors in the building open unless there's a lockout or something, so there's a net heat.

But it's 65 degrees.

That doesn't seem cold, but it's also very very uncomfortable to have to try to think and work in.

Ganymede

@Thenomain

Simpsons did it.

Derp

@Alamias

https://kurtsthoughts.com/2012/10/20/return-to-quarks-bar-the-warp-core-breach/

Alamias

@Derp Brings back memories...

Auspice

As a number of you know (due to recent discussions), I have OCD. And the anxiety that goes with it (also goes with my major depression, woo!).

At work, this shows up sometimes with the issue of my desk. I have only a few items on my desk, but they are arranged just so. And my desk height (we have those desks that can be programmed at a specific height) is programmed just so. I don't touch anything on anyone else's desk unless I have to leave them a note or similar and in turn, I expect my desk not to be touched. Both because of my OCD and because, IMO, it's common courtesy not to touch someone's desk.

Everyone has their own desk, but for some unknown reason, one of my coworkers keeps working at mine and not her own. I've asked a few of the people (she and I work on different shifts) why she does this, but no one knows. Just that she does.

She moves the monitors around. She changes the desk height. My things are changed around. I once had brought a pack of gum in, but after 80% of it disappeared to other people, I decided never to do that again.

I'm on a 'performance plan' currently for poor teamwork because 'some of [my] coworkers feel nervous working with me because I get angry if my desk is changed around.' Now, I've spoken to who I can (again, she and I largely are never on the same shift: happens maybe once a month) since I was put on this action plan.

One guy has said he actively prefers to work with me out of anyone else in the office.
Another said he has never noticed me being 'angry' or anything of the sort and seemed downright confused by the whole thing.
The third was wholly sympathetic because his wife also has anxiety and OCD issues.

It leaves two others: the girl who keeps using my desk (and is likely the source of the complaint) and one other guy.

I tried explaining the OCD and anxiety to my boss and just got a 'ha ha you just need to let go of the small things' brush off in response. So it looks like I need to resurface my medical accommodation paperwork (it got stalled because I think my doctor felt weird about doing mental health paperwork, but finding a psychiatrist or psychologist locally who doesn't want to be paid out of pocket up front around here has been v. difficult) and slap my boss with it.

But seriously: am I alone in that I expect people to just not fuck with the things on my desk? Does everyone just freely mess with other peoples' shit at work and is totally chill about having theirs messed with? Because he seriously tried to make it out like I was and I wholeheartedly think he was talking out his ass. No one wants to come into work to find their shit in disarray day after day and when you're talking about 'teamwork,' it makes you feel like you're the joke of the team and the outsider.

Sunny

@Auspice

I don't think you're being unreasonable with the scenario as presented. If everyone has their own desks, there's no reason that she needs to be using it, and there's an expectation of personal space that's being invaded there. People sometimes sit and use my desk at work when I'm not here (for a variety of reasons), but they would always put it back, and they leave me NOTES when they do it. Because my space, polite, and so on.

I can't think of a way to say this without making you worry, but getting a new job should really be a priority, even if it has good things about it. You're bright enough and capable enough that while you might have to go out of industry or something, I can't imagine you won't find somewhere over a longer timeline of looking. Your workplace is terrible, they are treating you terrible, and it does not sound as if anything short of a lawsuit will have any impact on making it better. Your health/anxiety are going to get worse in this environment, and anything that you could do to try and help it get fixed will short-term make health/anxiety yet worse.

ETA: Summarized as: GET OUT OF THERE DAMNIT. I know it's not that simple, I do know, I really really really do (I was there, I had a job that came >< close to killing me, I finally quit on the third heart attack) but you are worth more than what they are treating you like. By a lot.

Auspice

@Sunny I've been trying really hard to find a new job.

I finally went 'fuck it' and sunk the money into a professional redoing my resume for me when my tax refund came in. Because I know I'm just not good at the jargon and self-bragging required in resumes. I've only been sending it out there for a few days, so I gotta give it time. For the past couple years, I've been averaging a few interviews a quarter, but never the JOB itself.

So here's hoping the new resume will increase the interview rate and I'll find that new job.

Ganymede

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

I'm on a 'performance plan' currently for poor teamwork because 'some of [my] coworkers feel nervous working with me because I get angry if my desk is changed around.' Now, I've spoken to who I can (again, she and I largely are never on the same shift: happens maybe once a month) since I was put on this action plan.

My co-workers should be nervous working with me if they move shit around on my desk. After all, I listen to Dragonforce regularly at work.

Auspice

@Ganymede said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

I'm on a 'performance plan' currently for poor teamwork because 'some of [my] coworkers feel nervous working with me because I get angry if my desk is changed around.' Now, I've spoken to who I can (again, she and I largely are never on the same shift: happens maybe once a month) since I was put on this action plan.

My co-workers should be nervous working with me if they move shit around on my desk. After all, I listen to Dragonforce regularly at work.

I just think it's fucking common courtesy! I don't go around fucking with other peoples' shit. I think it should be a reasonable expectation that mine is left alone.

I wouldn't run crying to management/HR about 'it's upsetting that soandso is angry because I mucked up things on her desk!' Fuck, if someone came to me, as a manager, with that complaint, my first question would be: 'Why were you messing with someone else's belongings? How would that make you feel?'

The other issue I keep trying to impress is that we have nerf guns in the office. As someone who has been there over a year, I have a better one. It's one of the perks. Every single time I am given extra nerf darts... they're gone the next day. My gun is emptied and left haphazardly somewhere else. Maybe on my desk. Maybe not.

And I've tried to express to my boss that this is upsetting. By the time I get in, everyone else has their nerf guns back on their desk, a stash of nerf darts.... me? No stash. Gun sometimes not even on the desk and discarded somewhere. I have tried to explain: this makes me feel left out. This makes me feel like no one gives a shit about me being part of the team (see above re: being written up for 'lack' of teamwork).

His reply? 'Ha ha we just get so into the game that it's every man for himself and we grab whatever's on hand! It's not about you.'

Right. But then everyone cleans up and gathers darts for themselves. No one has the presence of mind to think of me?

When the late crew (me, the two other guys, and the HR guy if he's stuck there late) have nerf wars, you know we we DON'T do? We don't fucking touch the guns or darts on other peoples' desks. I only grab ones left on the floor since, well, I NEVER FUCKING HAVE ANY.

RnMissionRun

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

nally went 'fuck it' and sunk the money into a professional redoing my resume for me when my tax refund came in. Because I know I'm just not good at the jargon and self-bragging required in resumes. I've only been sending it out there for a few days, so I gotta give it time. For the past couple years, I've been averaging a few interviews a quarter, but never the JOB itself.
So h

Whoa, you have your tax refund already? I'm still waiting for my 1095-A

Auspice

@RnMissionRun said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

nally went 'fuck it' and sunk the money into a professional redoing my resume for me when my tax refund came in. Because I know I'm just not good at the jargon and self-bragging required in resumes. I've only been sending it out there for a few days, so I gotta give it time. For the past couple years, I've been averaging a few interviews a quarter, but never the JOB itself.
So h

Whoa, you have your tax refund already? I'm still waiting for my 1095-A

Thankfully I got all my shit in fast and got my refund last week. This was the first year I've ever gotten a full refund since I was a teenager (and those piddly things never really counted :P).