Sexuality: IC and OOC
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Welcome to the community, @Joyeuse !
Also you may find this thread of interest!
https://musoapbox.net/topic/2713/sexuality-ic-and-ooc
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@Vixanic Oh! I'm totally blind. Thank you! Time to catch up...!
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@RDC Rock on.
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@RDC
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@RDC I have literally never heard the word "transtrender" before, but it sounds like the sort of thing a total asshole would say. So I'm going to go ahead and declare that anyone who decides to give you a hard time based on their determination that you are one is a total asshole and you should ignore them.
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@RDC
Thanks for telling us. I will do my best to remember. It's totally ok if you change your mind about that, too! No worries there.
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@RDC
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@RDC said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
if later I decide to delete this post and pretend this never happened because it's really fucking scary
One of the things I think a lot of us who decide to kick our assigned gender to the curb in some form or fashion (either by defecting to the other side like I did or deciding the whole thing is a spook like you did) deal with really frequently is the fear that somehow we will change our minds on some aspect of this and therefore we will be terrible and awful and invalid and dumb.
But, you know, when you live in a world that pretty much demands everyone fall relatively neatly into one of two categories, it can be really hard to even conceive of saying "no thank you" to those expectations. So if you end up moving from "okay, I'm agender and asexual" to "okay, I'm agender but not asexual," or "okay, I'm asexual but trans," or "okay, I'm actually cis and hetero," all of those things are totally okay to do.
And of course if you don't move at all that is obviously okay! But do not be upset at yourself for being unsure.
ETA: Also, if you want a trans woman to listen to you scream incoherently at the world, feel free to hit me up on here. You can scream coherently too. Or just talk. Whatever you like.
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@RDC Congrats on the coming out. I've long considered myself agender and totally get the worry that some people won't get it. For a long time I considered myself cisgender and just didn't really consider gender at all. I just assumed that transgender people were the only ones who "identified" with a gender until actually sitting down and asking people and finding out that the people around me didn't just acknowledge the biological fact of their sex but actually identified with gender. I still don't grok gender roles in general, but then, people in general elude the shit out of me.
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Personally I am male and also slightly bisexual? Or Hetero-curious? That is not quite the right term for it given curious implies that I have never given things a go. I have tried going on dates with and had sex with other guys but it does not do nearly as much for me as being with women does and I do not find very many men sexually attractive.
When I MU* I tend to come up with a character then literally flip a coin to see what sex they are going to be before they tend toward being bisexual either way. That said my characters tend not to be enormously sexual and a good portion of my concepts tend to be people in their 40s or 50s with NPC spouses.
I might change up the coin flipping thing though given that I have definitely become more trans aware over the past few years - I have also been just plain writing more than MU*ing and given that is mostly in far future and somewhat transhuman sci-fi settings I started making about one in ten characters non binary. I was half expecting some pushback there but it seemed to work just fine and those were actually some of the characters people seemed to be most invested in.
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@Packrat said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
Personally I am male and also slightly bisexual? Or Hetero-curious? That is not quite the right term for it given curious implies that I have never given things a go. I have tried going on dates with and had sex with other guys but it does not do nearly as much for me as being with women does and I do not find very many men sexually attractive.
^ Me, but about women. Sometimes I say bisexual. Sometimes I say "heteroflexible", which seems more accurate. I honestly don't really worry about it too much because both my sexuality and my gender are close enough to the label of "basic cis-het white girl" that I appear to be given my body shape (giant boobs!) and the fact that I'm married to a man. Whether that's passing or erasure? <shrug> I'm generally more concerned with whether or not I'm intruding on queer spaces than whether or not people get my label right.
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I am actually way more physically attracted to women than I am to men.
However, my long-term relationships tend to be with men.
(And I am using men/women here tho I have flirted with, interacted with, etc. those who are trans- or flexible or... but this is a 'for sake of argument' conversation so.)And that could be for numerous reasons:
maybe it's because my early interactions re: potential dating/sexual interaction with women were really negative (the first girl I came out to as having a crush on freaked out, shunned me, and told everyone we knew in a bid to get them to shun me also, for example).
maybe it's because part of my being neuro-atypical makes it harder for me to comfortably interact with neuro-typical women (women, often, have complex social interactions and relationships and I struggle to fit into and grasp the hierarchies and structures).I dunno. I used to fret over it and tell myself it meant I wasn't 'actually' bisexual (I've had long rants btw on why -I- use this term, why others can use pan for me, etc.), but then I look back on my path and realize that my experiences mirror so many stories I've heard from other bisexual and even lesbian women........ I'm not bi-curious, etc. Just because I haven't had some long relationship with a woman doesn't mean I'm not. Would I have one? Fuck yes, with the right woman. I've just never found her. And that doesn't make me any less bi, so I always tell those thoughts they can fuck off.
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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@Auspice said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
(And I am using men/women here tho I have flirted with, interacted with, etc. those who are trans- or flexible or... but this is a 'for sake of argument' conversation so.)
Generally speaking, those of us who are trans and still operating within the binary actively prefer to be included in the group "men/women."
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@Rinel said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
@Auspice said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
(And I am using men/women here tho I have flirted with, interacted with, etc. those who are trans- or flexible or... but this is a 'for sake of argument' conversation so.)
Generally speaking, those of us who are trans and still operating within the binary actively prefer to be included in the group "men/women."
This is how I believe and operate but I've had people get very mad at me for this and so I try to uh
Offer disclaimers just in case?I know you are trans but imo you are a woman.
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I used to call myself bisexual, but that wasn't entirely accurate because I generally was more attracted to women than to men. Since we've had all these new ways of describing our sexuality, I've taken to calling myself hetero-flexible, but that might not be accurate either since I've been, for the first time in my life, in a serious, monogamous relationship with another man that has lasted quite a while (over a year now, yay).
I'm honestly as confused about it now as I was when I was 14 and first had feelings for another guy. I thought we were supposed to have life figured out by the time we were my age
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@Darren said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
I thought we were supposed to have life figured out by the time we were my age
I think this is a mantra for everyone over the age of, like, 24.
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@Darren @RDC I thin k that a good thing to remember is, that even if you decide, today that your label is X, does not mean you have to be X forever. As we learn to explore who we are, what we are attracted to, we will discover more about ourselves. Our personal definitions may change, where we are on various spectrums can and will change. I have a friend who is in their 40's finally deciding they are Z, when they were sure they were X in their 20's and y in their 30's. Even the language we use today will likely change tomorrow, LBTQ+ is at best, clumsy with this stuff and society in general likes strong solid definitions about gender and sexuality, even if we know there aren't always gonna be them.
I myself generally present as cis male, and i am mostly attracted to women, sometimes those women might be trans. I've made out with my share of men, but never got past light petting before i hit my uncomfortable mark, tho online I have played people more and less exploratory than I. I am in a Monogamous Hetrosexual Marriage, so I likely wont physically explore all of what I might be attracted to. My wife and I talk about attractive people all the time. We are very solidly in the... sure we're kinda straight but also not totally'' category. I cant really find a specific term, and like @Aria and @Darren Heteroflexible seems to work.
Anyway, even if you arent sure now, or are saying 'fione i am saying I am this' there is no shame or stigma is saying 'I want 100% right' or 'I feel different today than I did yesterday'.
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@Wretched said in Sexuality: IC and OOC:
Anyway, even if you arent sure now, or are saying 'fione i am saying I am this' there is no shame or stigma is saying 'I want 100% right' or 'I feel different today than I did yesterday'.
There are entire gender identifiers based on this, which I'm extremely happy to see! (Even though none of them are quite right for me, either.)
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On topic, sort of:
- I’m attracted to people.
- Either I am attracted to you or I am not.
- I don’t assume anyone’s sexuality.
- I just want people to like me.
“It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like.” -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo.
