Heya MSB,
Some of you probably have no idea who I am, while others might still remember my shenanigans vividly. Whatever the case, I spent so many nights agonizing over this post, and how such a small group, could have caused me so much introspection.
Most of my life, nobody called me out on my bullshit, nobody made me accountable for how damaging my actions could be.
Whether a casually sarcastic remark, or a minor insult, all the way to a full blow-up where some hapless individual, regardless of what they may have done, is now getting yelled at and treated like shit.
So many of the people around me in my life, they told me it was ok. They told me I was not at fault. I believed it, because I wanted to. I spent time in constant denial as I spent 2 years or so being dragged through the mud by MSB (pun intended, kinda?).
At least, that's how I saw it. While not everything I've been accused of, is true, most of what I've done is unacceptable. I don't even know where to begin, in trying to explain, how unacceptable I've realized over the past year it was. The only reason my name could be dragged through the mud, was because of my own actions and behavior.
I stepped back from the MUSH community as a result, and closed 2 of my 3 active games, only leaving Fallout: El Dorado up for the sake of the people who do still logon, or anyone who wanted to reminisce. I've not played, not been part of this community, as I worked on myself, both within my own means, and also seeking out the psychological help I so dearly needed to help get me back on track.
This is getting kind of long-winded, when I only wanted to say a few things.
First of all...
I am so, god damn sorry. There are no excuses for my actions, nothing anyone had done to me, nothing anyone said to me, or anything that anyone did that justifies how I acted. I was a total bitch, the epitome of a PHB from the old days, and I was totally unaware of it. I didn't act like an Admin trying to run a game for others enjoyment, even if that was my desire, I acted like a power hungry bitch who lorded over players like a monarch.
How fucking awful is that? It's terrible. I understand now why I was the subject of numerous threads in the hogpit. I was acting like some of the worst people in this hobby, and of course, that would engender comparisons between myself and other people who are acting similarly psychotic.
I also, for some reason, really, have desired the approval of this community. I understand that I could have tried to hide, changed my IP, never come on here, never revealed myself etc. but I don't think that's right in a small hobby of people. I guarantee with my new perspective, and personal growth, I wouldn't be singled out based on behavior, but none-the-less, I want to put myself out there.
I want the people I wronged to know, that I am so god damned sorry. Some of you were genuinely friends to me, the problem was? I was NOT a friend to you in my behavior.
I screwed up. It's that simple. My actions and behavior were on nobody but me, and I am sorry, and as time goes on, and has gone on, I hope I will continue to prove; that I am sorry, truly sorry.. not like the half-assed apology I gave while in denial a year ago.
I am sorry. No strings attached. I regret the way I squandered my friends, players, and what I had. It was psychotic, and I understand that people may dislike, or hate me for that to this day.
I won't defend my actions again, I screwed up as an admin, friend, and member of this community.
I am willing to prove, however I can though, that I am not the other people I am accused of being. Whether that means providing my birth certificate, along with photo IDs in a video chat? or something to prove things to an Admin on this forum, I am happy to.
I just want to be part of this community, to participate, and to offer whatever I can as a fellow creative role-player.
Warmest Regards,
Kat (Vault Girl/Red Queen/Lilith)
P.S. I'm thankful, either way to MSB, for helping me see how my behavior was affecting my interactions with others, not just in this community, but in other avenues, including real life.