Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things)

[Ganymede]

I make plenty of friends on a regular basis because I just stopped giving a fuck about people.

What a difference a little indifference makes.

[Macha]

@Aria I tried to go into Heavy fighting, and I never, ever, got told they didn't have loaner armor to fit. Admittedly, my first few lessons were sans armor, and then I had to give it up because I had multiple surgeries and never got back to it. I DID get a lot of boob armor jokes, though.

But my first SCA event that I went to (overnight event, that is), my boyfriend (still married/open marriage, but everyone knew he was seeing me, his wife introduced me as his girlfriend), a friend of his, and a higher ranking member (He eventually ran Aethelmarc) helped me put up my tent.

Boyfriend was seneschal, and had to run off to handle something with the site owner, other friend had to head off to pick up stuff... and the future Baron (Who I had gone on one date with, years prior), unzipped my skirt and stuck his hand in to grope me. I was so shocked that after I hit him in the chest and ran away from him - I didn't even think to tell my boyfriend. I just tried to put it out of my mind. But a couple events later, he told an entire table I was sitting with that I was a whore, etc. That was it. The boyfriend took me to report his behavior, and nothing happened. - I refuse to go to an event that he MIGHT be at, so I don't go. At all.

[Cobalt]

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

I make plenty of friends on a regular basis because I just stopped giving a fuck about people.

What a difference a little indifference makes.

[Tinuviel]

@Cobaltasaurus She's very right, though. I mean I should totally be indifferent about being treated as an accessory, and people having hands shoved in places or body parts exposed to them against their will should be totally indifferent to that happening. It's only creepy if you care about it, or have a sense of human decency, or things like that. But no, totally, if you're indifferent about it then it won't be a problem.

[Ganymede]

@Cobaltasaurus

Sometimes, my sense of humor completely misses the mark.

I have a theory that a lot of people who do or say creepy things are actually trying to be friendly. Their problem is that what passes as "friendly" between actual friends is a lot different than what another person might find to be "friendly." In your example, the dude who be like 'wake SO with blowjob ha ha' might actually think that he's trying to be "casual" in a very "bro-tastic" way. In several other examples presented, I just don't have any excuse for them.

Let's take a more concrete example: are we friends? On many levels, I'm not entirely sure. We've chatted via PM, we've yik-yaked on games, and I'm pretty sure you know more about me than many people here. I can say with some certainty that if we ever had the pleasure of actually meeting (and thus violate my Prime Directive) we would probably have drinks and you'd find me to be a borderline narcissist alcoholic. (As opposed to lawyer, which may be synonymous.)

But, let's suppose we're friends, yeah? We met through games. I'm guessing at first you didn't care who I was or what I was about, and the feeling was mutual. Over the years of casual acquaintance and occasional argument, I've built a healthy respect for you and what you do and what you have to say. And when you've needed a hand or something, I think I was respectful with how I stepped in to do something. So we started with indifference and, over time, built it into what it is now.

Going back to your example, the fellow that suggested you give your SO a fellatio alarm clock just rushed into "bro-tastic mode" rather than, as I said, starting with indifference and building from there.

I've found in my (now years of) karaoking experience that the friends I've found (and now care deeply about) started off as singers. You appreciate them, they appreciate you. But did we give a fuck about each other (really) immediately? I don't think so: I had no agenda, no plans, nothing, so shit built up over time. I started with indifference.

I also have enough self-respect to hide my lack of human decency by treating other people politely. Much like a Spina, though, being polite does not always mean being nice.

[Coin]

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Cobaltasaurus

Sometimes, my sense of humor completely misses the mark.

I have a theory that a lot of people who do or say creepy things are actually trying to be friendly. Their problem is that what passes as "friendly" between actual friends is a lot different than what another person might find to be "friendly." In your example, the dude who be like 'wake SO with blowjob ha ha' might actually think that he's trying to be "casual" in a very "bro-tastic" way. In several other examples presented, I just don't have any excuse for them.

Let's take a more concrete example: are we friends? On many levels, I'm not entirely sure. We've chatted via PM, we've yik-yaked on games, and I'm pretty sure you know more about me than many people here. I can say with some certainty that if we ever had the pleasure of actually meeting (and thus violate my Prime Directive) we would probably have drinks and you'd find me to be a borderline narcissist alcoholic. (As opposed to lawyer, which may be synonymous.)

But, let's suppose we're friends, yeah? We met through games. I'm guessing at first you didn't care who I was or what I was about, and the feeling was mutual. Over the years of casual acquaintance and occasional argument, I've built a healthy respect for you and what you do and what you have to say. And when you've needed a hand or something, I think I was respectful with how I stepped in to do something. So we started with indifference and, over time, built it into what it is now.

Going back to your example, the fellow that suggested you give your SO a fellatio alarm clock just rushed into "bro-tastic mode" rather than, as I said, starting with indifference and building from there.

I've found in my (now years of) karaoking experience that the friends I've found (and now care deeply about) started off as singers. You appreciate them, they appreciate you. But did we give a fuck about each other (really) immediately? I don't think so: I had no agenda, no plans, nothing, so shit built up over time. I started with indifference.

I also have enough self-respect to hide my lack of human decency by treating other people politely. Much like a Spina, though, being polite does not always mean being nice.

Yeah, I agree with this.

A lot of what comes off as lackluster social skills is basically just not wanting to put in the work (or thinking you can skip over the work) of getting to the point where your normal social behavior is acceptable by the person you're interacting with. Translates to RP, too, and what you're willing to play with some people and not with others.

Does not, under any circumstances, excuse it, though.

[DareDaemon]

Ehn. Part of being friends is also knowing and respecting lines. Stuff doesn't stop being creepy just because you're now friends. For example, the fellatio alarm clock thing is creepy unless you know the person you're saying it to is on board with that kind of joke.

Now if you're good friends you do likely have a better instinctual sense of other people's lines. And people frequently have different lines when it comes to people they trust and know when compared to the ones they have for people they only slightly know; but that doesn't mean it magically becomes OK to go full-on dudebro once you're friends.

[Roz]

People with good intentions will respond decently to "That's not cool" and not do it again. It's pretty simple.

[Coin]

@Roz said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

People with good intentions will respond decently to "That's not cool" and not do it again. It's pretty simple.

Zactly.

[Auspice]

Yesterday at work, my coworker was repairing his headphones with tape. Puts them on, looks at me and other coworker: "Does this make me look like a nerd?"

In unison-
Me:"You mean you didn't already?"
Other coworker:"You just look like <his own name.>"

He cracked up, goes: "Ouch. Well. If I set you up like that, you'd better knock it out of the park!"

...now, four months ago, when I started? I would not have been remotely comfortable making that joke. I didn't know him very well. I didn't know the dynamics around here.

This goes for raunchy humor, for teasing people, etc. And it's taken me a long time to learn that re: teasing people tbh. I do it often out of nerves or wanting to fit in but I always struggle to find the right tone. (Anxiety meds have helped with that!) People who launch directly into it the instant they meet you feel weird and uncomfortable because it is weird and uncomfortable. I'd like to think I've been good at, in the past, taking the note of 'that went too far,' but I dunno. I do know I try to reserve the more lewd jokes for the right people fo sho.

Like all of you. Every one of you.

[Ganymede]

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

This goes for raunchy humor, for teasing people, etc. And it's taken me a long time to learn that re: teasing people tbh. I do it often out of nerves or wanting to fit in but I always struggle to find the right tone.

I have found that the best way to signal to people that I'm okay with teasing and raunchy humor is through self-deprecation. Not everyone's comfortable with doing that. I think that showing people you can make fun of yourself to entertain others makes them feel a bit more comfortable about their own vulnerabilities.

For example, this is me:

[Auspice]

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

This goes for raunchy humor, for teasing people, etc. And it's taken me a long time to learn that re: teasing people tbh. I do it often out of nerves or wanting to fit in but I always struggle to find the right tone.

I have found that the best way to signal to people that I'm okay with teasing and raunchy humor is through self-deprecation. Not everyone's comfortable with doing that. I think that showing people you can make fun of yourself to entertain others makes them feel a bit more comfortable about their own vulnerabilities.

For example, this is me:

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

[Ganymede]

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

[Auspice]

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

[Coin]

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

[Auspice]

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

don't you dash my dreams.

[Coin]

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

don't you dash my dreams.

<@Auspice's Dreams>

</ @Auspice's Dreams>

[Auspice]

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

don't you dash my dreams.

<@Auspice's Dreams>

</ @Auspice's Dreams>

You know that promise to tell you when I use MEW somewhere?
I'M TAKING IT BACK.

[Coin]

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

don't you dash my dreams.

<@Auspice's Dreams>

</ @Auspice's Dreams>

You know that promise to tell you when I use MEW somewhere?
I'M TAKING IT BACK.

You ended up using her somewhere and then telling me like three months later! Your promises are hollow!

[Auspice]

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Coin said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Ganymede said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

@Auspice said in Why We Don't Make New Friends Anymore (Or Creepers Do Creepy Things):

are you a robot cat or a trash panda make up your mind woman

can't i be both like aubrey plaza

no
no one can be her
I only have room in my heart for one of her

She's never gonna take up residency in there so you're gonna have to make do.

don't you dash my dreams.

<@Auspice's Dreams>

</ @Auspice's Dreams>

You know that promise to tell you when I use MEW somewhere?
I'M TAKING IT BACK.

You ended up using her somewhere and then telling me like three months later! Your promises are hollow!

it's not like you ever RP anyway