So...

When I started getting online I was an underage child twenty-seven years ago. I had my first computer and I came across a mud. I played there and from there I found Furry Muck. To me, a child -- I had just stumbled across this magical world. I had just read Bazil Broketail (a novel about a sentient dragon) and I wanted to be the dragon. It was so amazing to me. I made a character and logged in and started role-playing.

As I started role-playing in short order it was obvious I was underage, struggling socially, and naive. I was groomed by a player who introduced me to his wife. It began there and then I was introduced to more 'furries' and taken to a few of the more popular conventions. I won't talk about the first convention or the subsequent ones but it isn't a good story and it got worse from there.

I only want to say this -- look out for your children when they partake in this hobby. My eldest child (15 and autistic) came across something (we talk and he told me) and I took the appropriate legal steps to address it.

Like in all things in life there is a dark side to everything. But I just want to put it out there in case anybody needs to know. Check in on your children and monitor their role-playing experiences. Turn logging on and check their logs. This isn't snooping -- I communicate that anything they do should be able to be read by me and set that as an expectation early on. My son was old enough that I was able to talk to him about sexual expression online and what was not acceptable in our home. This hobby is anonymous one largely and there are people on the other end of it that are predators who use role-playing and target vulnerable people (not just children). There are people who groom and take their time and by most appearances it is okay until the moment it isn't. They can lull and trap impressionable people and destroy their lives in meaningful and lasting ways.

Leaving this here:

Behavioral signs:

Changes in hygiene, such as refusing to bathe or bathing excessively
Develops phobias
Exhibits signs of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder
Expresses suicidal thoughts, especially in adolescents
Has trouble in school, such as absences or drops in grades
Inappropriate sexual knowledge or behaviors
Nightmares or bed-wetting
Overly protective and concerned for siblings, or assumes a caretaker role
Returns to regressive behaviors, such as thumb sucking
Runs away from home or school
Self-harms
Shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact

Where can I get help?

If you want to talk to someone anonymously, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453), any time 24/7.

Learn more about being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673).

I mentioned a little bit ago I was in Hospice with my brother. He had cancer and I was the only one who could visit him as they limited visitors to siblings, children, and parents because of Covid. Just two sisters and myself were allowed as our parents are deceased and he had no children. One sister couldn't go because of lung surgery. One because she was an ER nurse and got covid; she has been on Workman's comp for two months due to the long-term damage.

I spent the last three days of his life there with him. Watching someone choke to death consciously is hard especially when it is slow over a couple of weeks and they are looking to you and begging for help each time. It was not until the last few hours that he slipped from consciousness. He went a week without food and it took five days of no real material drinking. He was a skeleton at the end.

I started getting right with myself. I hadn't been able to eat for weeks through the ordeal. Nerves, stress, anxiety, and depression. I threw up everything I tried to eat for the most part. But I got a week of time off from work and used it all week to get to a point where I could just breathe and feel alive again.

I got Covid symptoms late last week. Confirmed this week.

I can barely breathe without a stabbing pain in my chest. I've been in once for low OSAT and steroids and treatments got me back up. The doctor tells me to stay active to avoid pneumonia as I'm on the verge of hospitalization and today I tried to vacuum two rooms. I was drenched in sweat and couldn't finish and I am a pretty active for an unhealthy guy.

I am very active in Civil Rights in my community. It has been rough here. I have been protesting for BLM every weekend. In my community we were accosted by 1% bike gangs and the Aryan Brotherhood. One Trump supporter choked and assaulted the campaign manager for the local democrat running against Gohmert (of recent Covid fame). The bikers have threatened my life, stared us down armed while intimidating and making us feel utterly vulnerable and unsafe.

The next rally we had (black women's march) we armed about 15 (mostly black armed) of us. I made the news.. again. Biker's drove around our march throwing nazi salutes but kept away once we were armed. It was the most peaceful protest we have had here.

I've been asked to meet with the local sheriff (when I'm through this) and community leaders to resolve tensions and had to delay things. I'm also supposed to speak not too long from now on removing a Confederate Monument from our local courthouse. I truly truly want to do these things but only after I'm in the clear healthwise. And I have anxiety I may never be the same again.

Not a plea for help. Just typing it out helps. It's not my role in my family to be weak or in need. Or at least, I have a hard time doing such -- I'm always the person that is strong or seen as the leader I guess.

Cancer sucks. Covid sucks. Black Lives Matter.

We got married on 1/1 and I could not be prouder and our combined family could not be more ecstatic. We got married on our farm in East Texas. Our children and a hundred or so of our friends and family joined us. For those of you that know my heart basketball is important and ball is life.

I took my sons to NBA Summer League for the tournament this year in Vegas and there she was. I started talking and it just grew from there. Turned out we live minutes from each other in Texas. Turns out we both lived overseas in the same place overlapping for four years (South Korea) with one of us in the military and the other a college professor. Our paths crossed, we even have pictures with each other in it in the periphery.

And as things progressed love was born. Had we met then we would have likely never gotten here. It's funny how things turn out.

Life is good. Love is great. If I die tomorrow I could not have asked for a better run.

Happy.

I am not a talker to family or friends. Not about me. I spend all of my days making life the best it can be for my kids, wife, and family.

I do good works, I spend a lot of my time leading local BLM rallies, fight racism in deeply racist areas through legal and government work. Heck I spent my stimulus checks on food and give it out to my poor community. I love this life. I love seeing my sons mature and grow. There are friends here I have made RL. Whenever I see someone in need I help. I have always been a good person.

I was sent to Dallas to undergo testing neurological testing all day tomorrow and again Monday. I used to be an MMA fighter in my early days. Not bragging I was terrible and took way more “L’s” the. “W’s”. I just assumed it was getting worse from that and that getting back on a real healthy life kick would solve it.

MRI came back as potentially white matter disease. 6 month to 4 years. My neurologist sent me here because she wanted me to have the best outcomes and wasn’t experienced with someone at forty having the nodules and white matter at the amounts I have in my brain. I am just watching the clock tick by the seconds in dread. I should have told my wife I needed her here. I shouldn’t have played strong. I told her I was okay and we would deal with it as it comes. I feel guilty lying to her. I wanted to cry and scream. I told her basketball coaching was more important and her team is in a playoff run about to lock up with a W tomorrow in their district. And the crap of it is I know I would lie to her again.

Not asking for help or intervention. I just needed it out there. All I can think about is how I don’t want to be a burden on my children or her. I don’t want them to have to see me less than who I have always been. I get that is the wrong way to feel about it. I am smart enough to hear the other side and contemplate it. But that is and never will be me. I fought hard for my life, my successes, and even if it is the worst I know they will want for nothing. My sons each independently will always have a roof over their heads for the rest of their days to fall back on. I worked hard for that and got to the point where I started contemplating retiring at forty-one this year to see the world and doing all the things I dreamed of. We were going to take our sons and start in Croatia and every three months move to a new country for two years to try and find our second home. We decided to work four more years because of Covid.

I am sorry.

Thanks for hearing me out Internet (mostly) strangers. Again not a cry for help but just needed to speak and feel like someone can hear it without repercussions. Lol, I am hoping it is MS.

@Cobaltasaurus

Not that you were really asking but thank you for framing that.

Acceptable Behavior: Learning and experiencing sexuality among age appropriate peers. Masturbation.

Uncceptable Behavior: Exploring sexuality with an anonymous individual online.

My son's particular disability leaves him susceptible to being emotionally manipulated. Less so now that his brain is catching up to his natural struggles in social settings. He has a private journal online I dont have access to for example and I allow him to password protect it so he has the confidence in safe spaces existing for him. I don't know the password to his cell phone nor would I impede in his ability to experience life as an individual. Because of some of his struggles I want him to experience a little more then most as he has a diverse and a strong support network to live his best life. I am happy to nurture and approve of whatever lifestyle he takes and regardless of how he identifies.

Sorry if it seemed otherwise. In this one area I am protective because I feel there are legitimate and healthy checks appropriate for my son. Every child is of course different and has different needs.

-B

@ribbon 100. Tired of the constant harassing over this issue and the leader(s) of the lynch mob skirting rules and playing it just on the level to continue the harassment. It is creepy and disgusting stalking of admin here and it is frankly more alarming than what the target of their ire has done in my estimation.

Dealing with a lot.

I'm in Hospice every day now with my brother who is dying of two primary cancers. I'm watching him suffocate over and over while he breathlessly begs for help. In three months a man that was six foot five and 240 pounds maybe weighs 135 pounds. Maybe. Looks less.

Because of Covid I am the only one here. One sister had lung surgery and the other is a local East Texas ER nurse who got Covid and the Flu from a patient who came in and refused to mask up. Her lung damage is permanent it looks like she will never work again and gave up the best years of her life and the job she loved.

I can't see her. She was alone until recently and discharged with workman's comp. I can't see her still because the Hospice won't let me in if I do.

On top of it over the last four years my company has went from 1600 to about 150 right now. I have turned grey in the last four years. All those jobs shipped overseas and I have had so many conversations that were unfair to good people. Some of my best friends soon. A decade of friendship and relationships. I am in leadership and run business operations and so I have been following the executive decree. Each time justifying it with the heavy salary and now just riding it our for my 8 months of severance due for my years and level in the company. Now starting to think I won't make it to the other side mentally.

Soon as I'm through this storm I'm going to retire at 41 by the end of the year. It isn't worth it. I can't give my life to the machine anymore to line the pockets of other sewn through the greed and avarice.

Mostly, I just want to fist fight cancer.

@buttercup

Follow up to my last post. It isn't terminal. Traumatic Brain Injury is the diagnosis. Things should get better over time. I went through extensive testing and it came back this way when compared to some of the concussions I've had over the last few years with prior MRIs. I had deployed an airbag this year in an accident and knew I had a concussion but never went in because between MMA in my 20s and youth, a few severe wrecks, etc, I just knew what happened; the white matter spots were against impact points they tracked it back to from injuries and prior MRI's in my 20s and in a severe wreck about 6 years ago.

I will be seeing a TBI specialist but going forward small head injuries are a lot worse for me it seems. Happy I got sent to Dallas because my East Texas area doesn't have concussion experienced TBI intervention and I'm happy I didn't spin the tires fretting so much more here. Looks like I was fretting over death and terminal when it's reversible with time and consideration that my head injury days need to be utterly over.

I love Arx. It's a great game. I feel Apostate is an /amazing/ story teller and the vast majority of the player base is exceptional and of a quality that is stunning. I have been around the periphery on the game of some of the drama but have always been addressed fair and like an adult. I even respect the motivations of Hellfrog to keep the game and the nature of the game to their ethical and participatory standard.

It's a struggle to log on and play a character I love because of my growing dislike for Max OOCly. Max in terms of poses and running a story is exceptional. As a player he is very manipulative, temperamental, and he can’t separate OOC and IC. I have had a few players approach me OOCly about his shit-tallking about my player or character. I've had players tell me ICly how they feel he constantly manipulates and pushes OOC themed agendas. I just have done my best to avoid him at any turn while being polite and respectful.

During the siege plot Max kept trying to get me to teach him a skill so his rolls could be better is an example where I watch him cheat and passively manipulate things for his betterment. He wanted me to teach him a relevant skill being rolled (war or leadership I can't recall). I basically told him he should check with Apostate to see if it was okay to teach since we were in the middle of a scene/battle and he quickly dropped it because he knew it was unethical and cheating.

I've watched a myriad of new Thraxian players come into the game and basically say I'm out because of Max either from prior experience or not wanting to be in the House because of his presence after interacting with him. And I can't blame them. I have a major character in Thrax (Abbas) and I avoid public where he can go and when he arrives I find reason to leave or I just deuce out (log out, whatever).

I first went south of Max in game because I think I TS’ed with someone he was keen on. Had I known that this was the case I would have OOCly not done it and would have avoided that player because of the downward spiral that has created (from what I’ve heard) in past behavior. That player then let me know of some manipulative and disparaging statements made by Max. And that’s around when I noticed a ‘break’ in his behavior. For months I just avoided him. I don’t go to events he is at. I generally don’t enter any public room he is in and it limits my RP significantly.

It has gotten to the point in the past few months on the occasional times I do log on to play with others we go to private rooms to do our RP so we can avoid the possibility of the experience altogether.

I’ve started exploring alts to get out of Thrax in the process of seeing if I can find a way to bridge my game experience across spheres. It’s gotten to the point where in the Saffron Chain Gyre plot I avoided most scenes because Max was running and coordinating. I did my own actions and avoided participating with many others.

What sucks is I love Abbas and I love the course of the character. I have had to make some adjustments to make the character more game thematic but I’ve done them in stride. And I’m at the point where I’m looking for a transition not because of the character, or the game, but because I just don’t feel comfortable in an environment where he has a large role and influence. And I’m neither the first nor the last that feels this way.

I wish it was as easy as show a log and Max is dealt with. That’s the thing that makes him legendary though – it’s always just shy of or skirting the edge of abuse and manipulation. I don’t feel right asking staff to do anything about it. Our characters are too central to just keep avoiding each other so at some point I’ll likely retire my character and deuce out of the game or try and find a House with an alt I enjoy where I don’t have to interact with the individual as a player or a character.

And look – I have had my issues and we all have times where we are less than stellar. I’ve never witnessed someone be allowed to so directly influence negative experience for so many people though and consistently get a pass.

I’ll probably see if I can’t OOCly arrange a marriage out of the House and family. Or some other work around. But I feel the need to vent because it’s a Sunday morning and rather than being out and about in RP a player and I are role-playing in a private room ‘pretending’ it is somewhere else because we would rather not chance him dropping by.

This isn't a reflection on staff. I never have had an issue with staff and feel like I could go to them if I wanted and they would listen.. I hope other players who currently feel the same way will at least make it known and it's enough of an issue to do something about it but I recognize that my current solitary case is not likely warranting of action.

I feel somewhat distanced from people. I think I am at the other end of a number of people. My family has livestock. couple of cows, chickens and goats. We have a 1 acre garden at my property down the road and we have a good amount of land.

We all went to work from home (my wife coaches and teaches at a local high school), my three sons are home, and I went work from home because I need foot surgery I can't get to June it looks like.

We aren't sweating things. Had guns. Had bullets. Have lifestraws and a stock pond if I ever needed it for a couple of years worth of water. Tucked away food stores a long time back for peace of mind.

It's been great. I get to spend time with my family. We started a civ6 game we play every night together for 10-15 turns. We started playing pandemic. My youngest (8) doesn't get it quite yet. We don't need to go anywhere but I gotta say I wish this could be life more often then not. I like this.

That said I of course would wish this to never happen and would give it all up in a moment for one life ... etc. etc.

We are newly married, new family, we have been using this time to bond and grow.

Any number of experiences with Abbas on the Reach turned into hilarity.

But Gunther on Arx (payed by Danny DeVito) takes the cake with going to the fights and just being the sweetest grandpa (Loving his Sally) ever while just absolutely bare-knuckle savaging anyone and everyone who wanted a taste.

@royal This is the best one yet I think. Just because. Well, yeah... me too.

I think you got the common thread for many of us ghosting jerks.

@misadventure
We can be friends

SorryNotSorry#1122

@jennkryst

Give it a rest. This isn’t the thread for your agenda.

@mietze

Be well and good vibes your way.

@thebigd

Yes and I am so sorry. It was the absolute most disgusting and worst. I was stupidly trying to get banned on a game that contrary to my belief at the time would let you do /anything/ apparently.

My bad.

@saosmash

You are absolutely right and it is a poor choice of words. I won’t edit it to hide it but let me substitute and say I mean ‘mob’ minus the association with lynching. My mistake and I am sorry if it offended.

@ribbon 100. Tired of the constant harassing over this issue and the leader(s) of the lynch mob skirting rules and playing it just on the level to continue the harassment. It is creepy and disgusting stalking of admin here and it is frankly more alarming than what the target of their ire has done in my estimation.

@reversed I feel you here. Same same for a time.

@sunny You done some heavy crap!