Posts made by Clarity

@kk said in Autism and The MU* Community:

I read the question are people with Autism more insecure? At least I think that is what I read, but I have autism!

So my first reaction to that is, sometimes, oftentimes, but certainly not always and maybe not even mostly.

I do think (although I could be wrong) that there is greater risk of low self esteem in people on the spectrum. But I also think that people on the spectrum are so varied and different from reach other, there is no generalization that really works either.

I have suffered with intense insecurity and low esteem that recently (While far from perfect) is much improved. There were two things that really helped it it improved.

1. One was working on a covid unit. Maybe sounds nutty, but in doing such I was like I am needed I am valuable to society and to other people. I have brave and strong too!

2. Another thing that helped my insecurity was accepting that not everyone likes me and that is okay and that people can dislike me without it being a big deal or without them having any ill will towards me. I learned that from Arx of all places!

I think there are few things that help with confidence in autism.

1. Is viewing autism as being different, but not being broken. I was taught as a child that I was a disappointment and broken. When i came to see myself as simply different, but not broken, things got better.

2. Accepting that one has autism, knowing one has autism and being able to talk about it also helps. That is why I think it is a mistake to hide an autism dx from children as some parents do. I knew since I was little I had autism, but some don't find out until later and I think that can be hard.

3. Money/finances/job/a place to live being okay. Some people on the spectrum are not in a place of being able to work and for them it is important they have support and have their basic needs taken care of. I am very capable of working, but not everyone autistic person is and some can work if given support, but that support needs to be given. My job is aware of my autism and supportive about such.

4. Excepting that not everyone is not going to like one and that such is okay. That people can even dislike you and wish you the best and etc. You cannot please everyone, but can nutty trying to.

Pre diagnosis, I had a shitload of insecurity. Because I constantly saw myself as really different and pretending to fit in, and mostly just failing abysmally. Not understanding why I struggle to cope with sensory issues nor what I needed to do to eleviate it. And just generally just failing at social, misunderstanding people constantly.

After diagnosis it's been a whole lot easier. Just having that understanding of why, makes all the difference. I'm no longer forcing myself to fit a square peg into the round hole. When I don't understand, I ask more. And am getting more confident about doing so. I am standing up for myself a bit more with the knowledge of where I struggle. And just realising that there are sensory triggers that I need to be aware of, and learning different methods to handle.

It's a work in progress, not perfect but a hell of a roller coaster. Most of my family don't know yet. So I haven't been able to talk about it too much with many people. My social circles are VERY limited still. That one is still very much a work in progress.

@herja When I was a kid I couldn't control my emotions, and so when I was getting told off, and in serious trouble for something, I'd laugh. Giggle even. You can just imagine how well this went down. Suffice to say, punishments esculated substantially. Alot.

Me, pretty much every other day. Or usually right before bed when I need to sleep and I read something and just HAVE to know everything about that topic, no matter how obscure.

@derp My bamboo ones are seamless too, I love them. They're from this place: https://redfoxsox.com/products/adorbs-alpaca

@wizz Been there before more than a few times. My laptop is my everything, my social life, my work, my community, my resources, my connection to knowledge. Every time it's been a mad rush to try find the funds to replace. So really hope you can find get something sorted.

@too-old-for-this Oooh I hadn't thought to try bamboo sheets. That might just be my next thing to buy.

@too-old-for-this I have a particular fondness and something of an obsession with bamboo socks. They feel so nice on.

@wizz Donated a little too. Hope you get to your goal.

@rinel Talking to various people in the community it can be a long and difficult road to getting diagnosed, particularly as adults. Doubly so if you are female.

I found this to be a really good resource and starting point though: https://embrace-autism.com/

@faraday said in Autism and The MU* Community:

Random aside - I have a real obsession with numbers and patterns. Logic puzzles, die roll statistics, that kind of thing.

Same. I even make spreadsheets of data from various interests of mine, including mu* games that I play. Idle games appeal for the same reason, particularly ones that are numbers focused.

@groth I think, until this awareness of my being on the spectrum, my go-to was always to try fit in and fake everything and hope no one would notice. So while at home I might stick to wearing the same things (usually boot-leg jeans + random geek inspired shirt + cute printed bamboo socks), I would be hyper aware of what I wore out last time I saw person x and I try not to wear the same thing, in case I get 'caught out'.

Now I'm slowly starting to be more me. But it's just also being aware of where I can do that and where I can't. And that can be anxiety inducing trying to figure that out. I know in an ideal world that would be everywhere. I'm still slowly figuring it all out.

It's scary though, sometimes. With all this masking, for so long, trying to delve beneath that to work out how who I am.

@thhppbbbt This is pretty much me. I learned so much on how to socialise and interact with people through roleplaying online. I mean, it's ways they have been teaching my son on the spectrum how to navigate tricky social situations through roleplay.

So I figure it's not really that different?

On the topic of tags and clothes, I'm definitely not a fan of tags. I also don't like most clothes that are too fitting, so bootleg jeans all the way. It can take me a while to get used to something new in my wardrobe. Sometimes it sits there for weeks, or even months before I can wear it. I would happily wear the same thing day after day if I could get away with it. And on days where I stay home and don't need to go out, I often do. I really dislike metal jewelry. And I don't like the feel of most makeup on my skin at all.

Another quirk, it can take me a while to... process new things. Kinda similar having new clothes. So, this thread, after posting and seeing lots of replies, it took me quite a while before I could read and post today. Not that I didn't want to, but I don't know. It is hard to explain. Autism and me is still very new to me. Autism, me and discussing it even more so.

@ganymede I think I was largely just curious too see whether there were others on the spectrum within the community to see if there were some shared experiences with how they felt roleplaying on MUs helped, or hindered and well, maybe try compare/contrast a little with stuff.

For myself, I feel with parenting I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time and just making it up as I go along. It's scary sometimes, well a lot actually. Most of the time it seems to be going okay. Curiously, it is through spending time with my son as he grows up that I find myself accepting myself more and more and masking, less and less and being myself. Home is our chill space.

The not beating yourself up for not being perfect definitely hits home for me. And something I've struggled with a lot. The idea that if I can pretend well enough, not make any mistakes, do everything just right, then I can pass for normal/make friends/not be criticised/avoid conflict/anything else negative that I struggle with. This is something I'm working actively working on.

@carma Yeah, I have a habit of way over sharing sometimes, and being too open about things I probably shouldn't be. But completely understand, don't want you, or anyone to talk about anything that makes them uncomfortable.

For myself, I notice that over the years, since I was a teenager actually, I've found myself using roleplaying on MU*s to... literally practise how to socialise in a way that didn't have any lasting impact on my RL friends and people I meet. I am not sure that this was the most healthiest thing to do, or whether it really helped or not, but I did it all the same.

@clarity Thinking not so many are on the spectrum. O_O

Figure it's only fair I answer my own questions here.

My Autism Origin Story
I am the sole parent of a 14 year old son on the spectrum. I didn't pick up on it, it was the school that did. Half because I didn't notice, because he is so much like me. And half because I structure my life in such a way that there's minimal stresses for me so there were no triggers for him at home. So there were never any shutdowns or withdrawals or issues with sensory stuff. He's an amazing and smart kid, who loves science and has been having philosophical debates with me since he was 5.

He was diagnosed at the age of 7. And my family barely accepted it. Instead they had the view it was because he didn't have a man in his life. Because I was bringing him up wrong. He didn't have autism, it was me that was the mistake. Not all of my family felt this way, but enough that it hurt.

And from that point of diagnosis of my son, on meeting, introducing and explaining to people, so many would ask me: Are you on the spectrum too? People assumed I was because of my behaviour. And as I read more and more and learned more, I recognised that probably 80% of the things that qualify for my son being on the spectrum, I either experienced as a child/teen/young adult, and in most cases, still experience.

I've come up with so many ways to cope, to pretend. To fake eye contact, to hide the scratch marks, to limit my social interactions, noise cancelling headphones, quiet environment. To have a job freelancing as a developer so I don't have to navigate work places. To avoid using the phone. Using public transport (because I can't cope with cars). I have no in person friends. Not one. I have a couple of amazing friends online. I really struggle with anxiety and depression, sleep and taking care of myself.

This year though, I've been working hard on myself and my mental health. Setting up routines and just taking tiny baby steps. And once I took a few of those baby steps, and became more comfortable slowly dropping those masks, I got myself a new doctor, one that understood myself and my son a bit better and didn't give less than helpful advice like: He just needs to join a sport.

And from them, a referral to a psychiatrist. Because we're in lockdown we had the first meeting via zoom session last month and there will be a couple more before I get an official diagnosis. But he did state that I am almost certainly on the spectrum.

I know there's a topic on ADHD and people's experiences with both it and MUs, and while there's some overlap between the two, I thought it might be worth while checking in with the community on Autism and their experiences.

Things I'd be interested in hearing about:

• Officially Diagnosed? Self Diagosed? Your origin / diagnosis experiences. How long did it take? Was it positive?

• How have you felt being on the spectrum has impacted your roleplaying and interaction with the MU* community?

• How has roleplaying influenced your autism? Have you found it helps? Makes things harder?

• Anything else you think relates!

Usually I enjoy trying new technology, new apps, new software. But when it comes to mud clients and ways to connect to my favourite hobby I've been less open to it and have stuck with Mushclient for years. Decades even.

I think it's largely because when it comes to roleplaying I have certain things in place so that I can keep up, triggers that colour names. Custom built plugins that ensure that certain text appears in a different window, reducing spam. Aliases that shorten series of commands into something more familiar. 153 triggers, 123 aliases and 3 plugins.

If a web based client somehow managed to fulfill my rping needs and either eliminated the need for the various things I have set up, or have a way built in that I could do something similar, then I would consider taking the plunge.

@derp From memory I think it was from The Choc Pot. It was sooo good too. Amazing how much something small like that from someone who cares, online or offline, can really help.

@il-volpe A good friend online once ubereats an amazing bowl of waffles and icecream when I was having a hard time. So definitely is a thing.