Someone else did a thing, a while back. And, honestly, much as that person and I no longer see eye to eye on many things, the intent behind what she did was noble, and still stands out in my mind as 'a thing she did that was not only needed, but mature and courageous.'
It's difficult, apologizing. Even when you know damned well that you're in the wrong, pride can be a bitter pill to swallow. It's the mark of a conscientious, adult human being when one can choke that pill down and do what's right.
I owe a lot of people apologies. Not quite on the same scale, but I feel just as important, I owe explanations. Not justifications, not excuses, but questions have been posed to me that with only a few recent exceptions, I've deigned not to answer for reasons I thought at the time were considerate towards others, and wise.
Not a whole lot of you know me. And that's okay. I generally tend to try and keep my head down, my nose clean, and utilize this hobby we all share to spend time with the people I care about, weaving stories together and having fun. So I don't usually wind up joining in on this board, because so often it can veer so wildly off into negativity and drama -- a pairing that makes for the quickest drain on funtimes I can think of. So, a lot of people likely won't have any clue as to context, here, and probably won't give much of it any thought. That's okay, too. If what's been happening had no negative impact on you, I'm genuinely glad, and wholly in support of you being all, 'ohmigod this chick is writing some kind of novella, screw this' and closing the thread. For the rest, though..
I've been absent a lot, the past half a year or so. In activity levels, yes, but what I'm talking about goes deeper than that. There were lots of times that I was here, but not really here, if that makes sense. I wasn't myself. I wasn't there for the people who needed me, at all the times or in all the ways I would normally have bent over backwards to be there for. I wasn't always patient, or kind, or forthcoming, and sometimes I was selfish about things that, grand scheme, really should not have carried nearly the amount of weight I placed on them at the time. I was tired, I was moody, I was overly sensitive, and I was intolerant of things or people when I normally would've just smiled and chalked things up to differences of opinion, personality, or what have you. I wasn't 'me.' That person had faded into the background. I was 'absent.'
Back in December, I lost someone I held very dear to me. This someone was my 'person,' and it hit hard. I'd been struggling with depression for a solid chunk of time before that, so this loss hit me hard. But it also woke me up, at least a little. I'd lost this person because those things that made me who I was had already started to falter and fade, and they weren't willing to stick around and 1. watch it continue to happen, or 2. bear the brunt of my moodiness, my oversensitivity, etc. I can't fault them for that. Looking back, I don't think I would've wanted to stick around me, either.
It was shortly after that loss that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
The mass was small, but malignant. And frankly, were it not for the fact that the aforementioned person's abrupt departure had served as a solid slap upside my head, I might've just let myself sink all the way into oblivion. I would've helped my friends finish putting together the game we were starting, gotten my affairs in order, spent a little more time with the people who meant most to me, then just let go.
But I fought. The mass was removed, they got clear margins, my lymph nodes were blessedly clean. My oncologist suggested chemotherapy as a means of lessening the risk of recurrence, so I did that too, earlier this spring.
I didn't tell anyone about any of this. In retrospect, that wasn't very fair of me. The fight was hard, emotionally and mentally even more than physically. It was draining. I was tired all the time, I wasn't around as much, and if anything, I was even more moody than before. And the people closest to me suffered for it, which is precisely the thing I kept telling myself I wanted to prevent, when I made the decision to keep it to myself. I'd figured, hey. It was small, they got it out, I should be fine, so why bother anybody with it? People got problems of their own, they don't need to deal with mine, too. Instead, they wound up having to deal with the 'side effects' of what I was going through, without the benefit of knowing what I was going through.
That was wrong of me. And, to the people on whom it had an impact, I wanted to come forward and say that I was sorry. Genuinely, wholeheartedly sorry. None of you deserved any of that.
That's a blanket apology, offered up to the community as a whole. There are specific individuals, though, to whom I owe more personal apologies. I won't air the details of those situations publicly, and I won't try to force an interaction down anyone's throat that isn't wanted. But I will make myself available, so that these individuals can reach out to me if they choose to, and we can talk.
@Coin , @Auspice , @Goldfish , @Ghost , @Killer-Klown , @Botulism . I admit, I don't know a whole lot of people's handles on here, so there are others, but I'll likely need to reach out to them in some other way.
The one other handle I do know, which is fortunate as she's the biggest out of all of them.. @surreality .
I'm not looking for responses, here. I'm not looking for sympathy, or condolences. I can barely bring myself to wrap this all up and hit 'submit,' because I just.. don't really want undue attention. Most of all, I don't hold any expectations of forgiveness. None of the above excuses or justifies the way I've behaved, and I would never claim otherwise. But if recent months have taught me anything, it's "don't withhold the truth from the people who deserve it, respect from those for whom you feel it, and make damned sure every day of your life that the people you cherish know what they mean to you, and that they are appreciated."
... Also, "pride can get fucked."
