A long time coming
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I have a master level in procrastination: it's taken me a year to write this. I'm writing it partly to reassure anyone who has been worried (I am still kicking) and to say my good-byes to the mu* community at large.
The last two years have challenged everyone. I'm a first responder working in a low vaccination area and have been toe to toe with COVID, with the public and in some cases with my own family. I was already playing naughty games with burn-out (iykyk) in mu*ing when the pandemic hit. It sped things along and highlighted that I was looking for things I couldn't consistently find in the hobby. Then one by one my family starting cycling through the ICU with various health threats because everyone I'm related to believes in "go big or go home" and couldn't settle for normal ER visits or hospitalizations. I'm the only one who's managed to not get admitted in the past year so it's fallen to me to be the caretaker. We lost someone this summer. Everyone else is back home and recovering but the latest insult from the universe is that one of my parents has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's been a long road. It's going to be a much longer one ahead.
During the past year I told myself I was going to give myself the time to rest, recover and return to mu* ing as I always have since I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed teenager back in the 1990s. Maybe it would take a little longer than my usual hiatuses but I did expect to come back. With the year coming to a close, I've come to realize that isn't going to happen. The demands of life on my heart, my mind and my spirit are too much to consider coming back...and aside from that, the long time away has helped me to recognize what I really want and need from life if you'll forgive the somewhat pat and cliche sentiment. Mu*ing was there when I needed a creative outlet, an escape, a conduit to other people. It's been the most stable and reliable multi-layered drug I could have taken during a life that has been neither stable or reliable.
I love building worlds with other people but sometimes I loved building lives that weren't mine a little more than I should have. Still I wouldn't trade all of those years. I'm grateful to the worlds I lived in, the stories I contributed to and to the people who wrote with me. Thank you, those of you who were a part of my career in these worlds. I really do hope I'm leaving more fond and happy memories than sour ones.
It was fun though, wasn't it? Griping about the sour memories too. I see you there, Hog Pit.
Keep the stories rolling and do your best to dodge the drama, guys. Thank you.
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@caryatid I have and will miss you! You're a good writer. A good player. A good leader. Enough to produce jealousy in others! To inspire people to want to play with you. But you're also generous and kind. You are good for any community you choose to be part of, and will be going forward.
But I understand, too. There was a long period of time where I could not find what I wanted in a Mu*. I certainly struggle more to find it now, too. Honestly, what you've written here makes me think.
As you always do.
Take care, Cary. -
I will always remember how you quietly saved my sanity and life during a difficult period.
I remember when we discovered you were living in my hometown.
I hope everything goes so very well going forward. Come stop by every now and again to let us know how things are?
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@caryatid I have been thinking of you and missing you often in the past year or two since you slipped away from our mutual spaces and went quiet. I’m really glad you’re okay. I hope you continue to be okay. I’ll keep missing you.
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@caryatid We only had a couple of scenes years ago when we ran into each other on some random MU* and I still remember those fondly.
You're a lot of fun to be around! Have a splendid time Out There.
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I'm glad to hear that you're doing all right. I'm sorry for the things that aren't. Take care of you.
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I'm sorry, in my rush to tell you how missed you are and how glad I am that you're okay, I totally missed speaking on the things that are clearly not okay. I am so sorry you lost a family member. I am so very sorry about your parent's diagnosis; Alzheimer's is a cruel, shitty disease. I'm glad you're okay, but I'm so sorry for the ways in which you aren't.
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@caryatid The little we played was always worth it and fun, and while it's sad there won't be more of it, I wish you the best.
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I wish you all of the besti; hope and healing for the future.
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@caryatid I always had fun with you and wish you the absolute best.
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You are a talented and smart person, and you'll be missed!
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I think you are the longest consistent person who I've known in MU*dom, and it was always and ever a pleasure. Every single time, in every game. My condolences on your loss, and I hope that when we finally (FINALLY) get through the pandemic, you can settle into something that is wonderful. Because you deserve that!
