Like many people in this hobby, I am a bundle of bad habits, anxieties, and baggage that colour my perceptions and affect my decision making. A lot of the time I can recognize my own patterns but recognizing doesn't always help so much with changing them. Shining a big old spotlight on them and listing ways I can knuckle down and avoid them... maybe that will do the trick.

I've been wrestling with a lot of things in my RP experience of late. This is my productive (mildly constructive!) way of trying to improve both the struggle and the experience.

So, my issues:

1. I am RP buddies with some very proactive, extroverted people who are excellent at Making Shit Happen and, while I genuinely celebrate their experience, I also compare my own to theirs.

2. I have difficulty expressing exactly what it is I want to experience/would like to do with my characters if I do not have a set and specific plan for their immediate and long-term future. This leads to situations where someone asks what I want for them and I say "adventure!", but have nothing more concrete to offer.

3. I fall into support mode at the blink of an eye. I enjoy helping others chase their unicorns and can brainstorm a thousand and one activities they can throw themselves into to help that momentum. But when it comes to doing the same for myself, I often draw a blank.

3.a) Related to the above, I often step back and hold up others to give them spotlight time, but quietly assume they will do the same for me when the time comes. When they do not (not from malice but just people being people), I get resentful... and I hold onto that grudge. I have difficulty letting shit go.

4. Five years ago, I would RP with anyone and everyone. I had my favourites, but I would still put myself out there. These days, between my schedule and the lack of energy that comes from life, the universe and everything, I do not venture out in public nearly as much. I isolate myself.

5. Memory issues. Whatever the reason behind it, I no longer keep up with multiple threads the way I used to. If I do not respond to/answer/act on something right away, I forget. This includes scheduled RP, answering mail and message, or following up on potential hooks that have come up in conversations with other players.

6. Taking shit personally. If I've asked someone for RP multiple times and they seem enthusiastic but it never happens, it's because underneath the open response, they really do not want to RP with me. If I've done a lot for someone else on a game, and they don't reciprocate in kind, it's because I'm less interesting/engaging/fun/they know I'm a whiner in my head. If I'm in a scene and it fizzles out because one person left and the others who remain can't continue, it's because they hate me. If I sit in public and no one comes to play, it's because I built a boring character.

Those are my patterns. I know them very well because I live with them day to day every time I log into a game. When I'm feeling perky, driven, energetic and enthusiastic, they vanish or are positive forces (being a supportive player isn't a bad thing!). It's when the energy dips that they start affecting my experience.

Which brings me to resolutions.

1. Focus only on my goals in RP. Stop paying attention to what other people are getting. Stop inviting/agreeing to listen to the tales told by others about all the stuff they're doing, at least for a little while, until I can drop the comparing habit.

2. Spend some time brainstorming for myself only. Get in the habit of figuring out things I can do instead of handing that creativity to other people. Stop chasing the unreliable and focus on what's achievable.

3. Sit out in public to RP with anyone and everyone at least a couple times a week.

4. Write things down. I have friends who bujo, this might be a good way to keep track of things I want to do and threads I've picked up to pursue, so they don't get dropped.

5. Every time I start to wallow in despair, I owe 5 stretches/push ups/sit ups/laps around the house. May as well get some benefit out of being a mopey m'fucker.

And now I hit submit, to see if anyone else wants to join in with pattern recognition and resolutions.

I have a master level in procrastination: it's taken me a year to write this. I'm writing it partly to reassure anyone who has been worried (I am still kicking) and to say my good-byes to the mu* community at large.

The last two years have challenged everyone. I'm a first responder working in a low vaccination area and have been toe to toe with COVID, with the public and in some cases with my own family. I was already playing naughty games with burn-out (iykyk) in mu*ing when the pandemic hit. It sped things along and highlighted that I was looking for things I couldn't consistently find in the hobby. Then one by one my family starting cycling through the ICU with various health threats because everyone I'm related to believes in "go big or go home" and couldn't settle for normal ER visits or hospitalizations. I'm the only one who's managed to not get admitted in the past year so it's fallen to me to be the caretaker. We lost someone this summer. Everyone else is back home and recovering but the latest insult from the universe is that one of my parents has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's been a long road. It's going to be a much longer one ahead.

During the past year I told myself I was going to give myself the time to rest, recover and return to mu* ing as I always have since I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed teenager back in the 1990s. Maybe it would take a little longer than my usual hiatuses but I did expect to come back. With the year coming to a close, I've come to realize that isn't going to happen. The demands of life on my heart, my mind and my spirit are too much to consider coming back...and aside from that, the long time away has helped me to recognize what I really want and need from life if you'll forgive the somewhat pat and cliche sentiment. Mu*ing was there when I needed a creative outlet, an escape, a conduit to other people. It's been the most stable and reliable multi-layered drug I could have taken during a life that has been neither stable or reliable.

I love building worlds with other people but sometimes I loved building lives that weren't mine a little more than I should have. Still I wouldn't trade all of those years. I'm grateful to the worlds I lived in, the stories I contributed to and to the people who wrote with me. Thank you, those of you who were a part of my career in these worlds. I really do hope I'm leaving more fond and happy memories than sour ones.

It was fun though, wasn't it? Griping about the sour memories too. I see you there, Hog Pit.

Keep the stories rolling and do your best to dodge the drama, guys. Thank you.

Current:

Sabine - Arx

History (in no particular order):

Odile - Marsilikos
Hester, Iris - Spirit Lake
Windblade -Transformers Lost and Found
Lacuna - NOLA
Caroline, Jae - Fear and Loathing
Grainne - Fifth Kingdom
Jacinthe, Dawn, Mae 1.0, Verity 1.0, Rey 1.0, Mercedes, Peregrine, Gisele, Sunaia 1.0, Juniper, Charis - Arx
Joss - Fate's Harvest
Nox - Fallen World MUX
Allegra - Fallcoast
Nora - RfK 2.0
Nora, Mynoghra (Jill of all trades staff before the reboot) - RfK
Sabine, Zoe, Phoebe, Venice, Sloane - Darkwater 1.0
Neve, Cerise, Maryam, Ennis - Harper's Tale
Meg, Elisabeth, DelRey (Build Staff) - TexMux2.0/Keep Austin Wyrd
Shelby, Nox, Alice - X-MenRevolution
Sloane, Alice MacHeath, Jane - Eldritch
Simone, Emilie, Odette, Jolie - Kushiel's Debut
Lena, Anais - Heroes MUSH

There are others but I forget their names or only played a couple of scenes or they are ancient history.

So it isn't misconduct for a mod over the course of years to rile a poster up by spinning lies against other posters who spoke out against her being a mod.

What is considered mod misconduct?

This is now the second time Auspice has acted out against people here. This is now the second time that, when called on it, she's vanished and let the other mods step up to play shield. This is now the second time posters here have been placed in the situation of seeing the wagons close around her misbehaviours.

Let's have some transparency. Are you working on a three strikes and you're out policy? Will this need to happen again (possibly with other people she's whispering poison to) before she gets a talking to or booted? I don't agree with what @surreality did or how she's handled this but it's out now, in the public eye. What she did is now transparent. Let's have some transparency from the admin side of things, regarding one of the admin's behaviours.

When does it become actionable?

If much was made about my being the first woman hired into a position, I'd feel odd. Mention it in passing, ok, sure. Mention it with emphasis, or frequently? I'd feel as if my vagina were the determining factor, not my skills. I'd worry it might create overt resentment in my existing male colleagues. I'd wonder if in today's climate, it was being used to win brownie points or a pat on the back for the person bar-rattling about it.

Don't put your female employees in a "Look we have women now!" spotlight, in front of your existing employees. Even if it's to discuss issues pertinent to suddenly having women in an environment that's been male-only for always.

Make sure you are prepared to enforce a safe, constructive environment. Make sure you're up to date on the policies and how you can enforce them when issues arise. Don't sit back and trust you'll be approached if the policies are being violated. Keep your eyes and ears open. Model behaviours that make it clear you are open and approachable, so that when it happens, people know they can come to you with issues.

It's a rare thing to get satisfying closure on a character's story. But then the folks still around after she's gone go and do something SO SWEET and SO TOUCHING that after my worst weekend in awhile, I'm reduced to sniffling like a little kid at the gesture.

Y'all are amazing.

2.32. My policy of rarely posting is working.

There's something so viscerally satisfying about seeing the hard work ya'll put in take shape and achieve its final form.

I'm going to give it another go.

I'd like to start a new House on Arx but to do that I need no less than 3 other players willing to charcreate with me. These characters will need to be roster_ok if they don't work out for their original players.

Initial concept:

Name: House Tessere (barony or march undecided)
Words: "We Dare"
Sigil: A small serpent twining around a rose.
Fealty: Fidante (probably)
Focus: ICly, their income will come from the creation of luxury fabrics and fashion exports; they may have once been a military power in their region but after a long ago smack on the nose for some misbehaviour, they have shifted to a more economic and social game. Economic/social focus, but their proximity to the Oathlands mean that chivalric/knightly concepts aren't uncommon either. OOCly, I would like to focus on a heavy political game, social maneuvering, and a longer term plan to grow the House from smaller to formidable while exploring the tasty Lycene/Oathlands hybridization.

I'ma be looking to create the Baroness or Marquessa. Family, ranked staff and allies are all totally open. If you'd like to brainstorm, ping me. I want to do this right so it won't be happening overnight (it's going to require staff approval once all of the pieces are in place) but this is the starting point. Let's do this thing!

@thenomain You did mention several times you were flailing and having a panic reaction. Several times staff and players suggested that you maybe step back and take some time to calm down. The suggestions were made multiple times, by multiple people, in considerate tones. That you did not placed the emotional burden of dealing with your reactions upon staff, which was just... not cool or fair, man. Those are your reactions. They're for you to own and handle.

I have a master level in procrastination: it's taken me a year to write this. I'm writing it partly to reassure anyone who has been worried (I am still kicking) and to say my good-byes to the mu* community at large.

The last two years have challenged everyone. I'm a first responder working in a low vaccination area and have been toe to toe with COVID, with the public and in some cases with my own family. I was already playing naughty games with burn-out (iykyk) in mu*ing when the pandemic hit. It sped things along and highlighted that I was looking for things I couldn't consistently find in the hobby. Then one by one my family starting cycling through the ICU with various health threats because everyone I'm related to believes in "go big or go home" and couldn't settle for normal ER visits or hospitalizations. I'm the only one who's managed to not get admitted in the past year so it's fallen to me to be the caretaker. We lost someone this summer. Everyone else is back home and recovering but the latest insult from the universe is that one of my parents has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's been a long road. It's going to be a much longer one ahead.

During the past year I told myself I was going to give myself the time to rest, recover and return to mu* ing as I always have since I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed teenager back in the 1990s. Maybe it would take a little longer than my usual hiatuses but I did expect to come back. With the year coming to a close, I've come to realize that isn't going to happen. The demands of life on my heart, my mind and my spirit are too much to consider coming back...and aside from that, the long time away has helped me to recognize what I really want and need from life if you'll forgive the somewhat pat and cliche sentiment. Mu*ing was there when I needed a creative outlet, an escape, a conduit to other people. It's been the most stable and reliable multi-layered drug I could have taken during a life that has been neither stable or reliable.

I love building worlds with other people but sometimes I loved building lives that weren't mine a little more than I should have. Still I wouldn't trade all of those years. I'm grateful to the worlds I lived in, the stories I contributed to and to the people who wrote with me. Thank you, those of you who were a part of my career in these worlds. I really do hope I'm leaving more fond and happy memories than sour ones.

It was fun though, wasn't it? Griping about the sour memories too. I see you there, Hog Pit.

Keep the stories rolling and do your best to dodge the drama, guys. Thank you.

Edit: I decided not to be a crybaby on Christmas.

@JinShei Oh, that hurts.

@GangOfDolls said in MUSH conflict... sad face?:

@ThoughtBubble

I think @GreenFlashlight has a good way of explaining that it can be a mix of things.

The thing that I can advise which takes some time and grit and fortitude even when it feels like you don't have any to summon is to try and seek out one or two people that you know in the community who is apart of this issue but has enough information to make an assessment.

I would ask them for candid feedback about what they view might be happening. I would commit to making it clear that you're asking with good intent and further to commit to not react poorly, get angry at them, or otherwise, shoot the messenger. And they might say some things that are painful to read (but they also may not!) but do your best to just take it in as information and nothing more in the moment. You can have assessments and emotional value judgments later but often how we feel about what's being said and what's being said can be very different things, and one can drown out the other in the moment.

I think it's sometimes better to ask people who aren't quite friends but not people with whom you're in conflict with and have no skin in the game, as they won't avoid saying things to avoid hurting your friendship. But at the same time, I wouldn't pick out people who are overly blunt or indelicate for the sake of being so.

And then just kind of sit with it for a while. Sometimes the feedback ends up being right once you're done sort of processing it and taking it all in. And sometimes it's not actually accurate and you're free to file it in the circular file.

I'm quoting this because it's good advice. For many, many years I have felt this way. Sometimes it's been in my own head, sometimes it has legitimately been others freezing me out. When that stew is simmering in your brain, it's difficult to assess what's actually happening.

I have a number of friends but there's only one or two whose judgment I trust with this sort of thing. Our friends want us to be happy so when I come to them and say, "My brain is telling me this, I'm really down/hurt/angry about it," their instinct as people who care about me is to want to make me feel better. They will say it's rejection dysphoria (sometimes it is!), or not me at all (sometimes it isn't!), or that 2020 is a nightmare hellscape seemingly custom designed to suck our very souls out through our pores and leave us as shivering puddles of gooey and sentient misery (it is!).

But the one or two friends I know I can trust for a balanced response will say these things and also tell me "I think you are conflating a lot of different stressors and pinning it on this online issue because it's a lot safer right now to freak out about this online issue than it is to aim that mental and emotional energy at the greater real world, especially if you don't feel like spending the next six months in a jail cell."

They tell me "Yes, this seems like a hurtful situation and I understand why you feel harmed by it."

They tell me "No, you're not crazy, these comments seem innocent but I can see why you read them this way right now. Here is how I read them, let's figure out if the truth is somewhere in between those two points or outside of them."

They tell me "Whoa, I haven't seen you react this strongly before to something. Let's breathe together for a minute and when you're feeling stronger we can pick this apart."

Every one of those examples are things I've been told over the years. I'm grateful to have these sounding boards and I try to be the same for them. Nothing was fixed or solved or made better in the moment but that's usually the first step towards me coming back to a more constructive place, to adjust my behavior or expectations or thoughts. Or, sometimes, to realize I actually am in a toxic situation and didn't realize it at the time.

The first time I heard someone pose this question was in 1999. If they perfect gene therapy in my lifetime, I expect to hear it asked in 2099 too and maybe, just maybe, by then I'll have a schedule that allows me to RP whenever I feel like it.

@Ifrit Yep. Miss one round of repetition and it's gone, it doesn't matter how long I've been doing it.

I would play the hell out of this.

I have lost a child and long-beloved pets. I grieved for them all in very, very similar ways. It is very alike. @badger, be easy with yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss but also glad she was so loved. All my hugs to you.

@Livia