Difficulty with Friend/Gamer
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I think I'm looking for some advice on this one.
My friend (a non-MUer so this doesn't involve anyone any of you know) is starting to get very difficult at "table time" when it comes to their depression/passive aggressiveness. I love the guy, but they're very "edgy" in terms of how they approach their emotions. They're the type that say things like "if this ever happens you better say goodbye because I'll be going to jail", so you never really know if approaching them about the behavior will result in a blowup or not.
Regardless, here's the issues.
- SUPER passive aggressive at the gaming table. The slightest interruption and they go silent and seemingly wait for someone to ask them what's wrong, which the reply will always be something like a flat "I'm fine", and if you press further they say "I said I'm fine"...but then frown in their camera (it's online tabletop) and make grumpy statements
- They'll get upset with other players, but NEVER accept the suggestion (example, when interrupted) to say "Hey, please let me finish". Instead they'll talk to everyone else about how the other player is affecting them and how if it doesn't stop they'll leave the game (which...in a roundabout way is saying "this other player is a problem and I'm talking to you about it, and if you don't do something about it it'll be your fault that I leave).
- SEVERE personal depression. I suspect bipolar disorder. They had a recent death in the family that they claim is a catalyst for their negativity, but in reality this person says REALLY heavy statements (that are somewhat abnormal). Example. He recently got a haircut and someone complimented it. Their reply was "It needed to be done but I don't care about my personal appearance anymore" (in reference to their ever-constant reminding people that they've given up on finding a partner due to their appearance, weight, and lack of social skills).
- (And maybe this is selfish on my part, but I don't feel it's unfair) This kind of stuff happens every 2nd or 3rd game, and while everyone else is generally copacetic, laughs, and wants to have a good time, I'm getting a little exhausted with having to tiptoe around these behaviors. I want to be able to relax and have fun without the added element of spending 33% of my time fielding emotional issues and dealing with dodgy behaviors.
The real hard part is...I love the guy. One of my best friends. When things are good they're great, but every 2nd or 3rd game night it's just this massive black cloud that's REALLY difficult to navigate. I want to approach them as a brother and recommend counseling and seeing a doctor about it, but I'm afraid they'll go super edgelord about it or storm off out of the friendship out of "chase me" rage. I want to try to promote the game night as something he can do to ESCAPE these feelings and just hang out and have a good time, but I'm not yet truly okay with them quitting the gaming group. I'd like to see them happy.
But...I'm starting to feel like if they don't rein it in a bit and stop making every 2nd or 3rd night about their passive aggressiveness that maybe he SHOULD be replaced with someone who isn't so difficult to navigate.
Thoughts? Any advice?
edit:
The super rough statements like "Well I got the haircut but I no longer care about my personal appearance" (note: this is not paraphrasing. That's exactly how they word it) really tugs at my heartstrings for the person, but at the same time it's somewhat....
Like...how the fuck do you respond to that, and are you doing something wrong by not responding to that? Addressing that sort of thing is way out of my league and to be honest sometimes I really don't have enough spoons to make other people's shit MY shit, yanno?
Delete the Hog Pit. It'll be fun.
I really don't understand He-Man -
@ghost said in Difficulty with Friend/Gamer:
I want to approach them as a brother and recommend counseling and seeing a doctor about it, but I'm afraid they'll go super edgelord about it or storm off out of the friendship out of "chase me" rage.
The whole situation sucks. Sympathies.
Your concerns about them storming off could be on point, though at least you would have tried to help from a place of care and concern. Ignoring it and hoping it goes away probably isn't going to turn out great for the group as a whole. There might be a different kind of blow-up or other people just getting sick of it and quititng.
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Displaying empathy and compassion for your friends is really important,definitely not a bad thing. And at the same time, shouldering another person's problems and absorbing their stress will eventually wear you out if it's happening a lot/you're not able to do the same in return.
There are a couple of strategies, like be supportive but put the responsibility back on their shoulders. Something like, "You're a smart person. I am confident you will figure this out and come out stronger than ever." Or whatever makes most sense for the situation.
You could also set boundaries/an alternative while still employing compassion. At a time (not game night, in the moment) you guys are just chill and hanging out or chatting, you could say something like 'Hey, you know I'm here for you, right? Why don't we set up a time to just chat and catch up about <insert issues> so that we can focus on stress free fun on game night?'
It's also really important you don't take on a role you're not qualified for. Suggest professional counselling and if they don't accept, at least you tried. If they blow up? It's tough but fair to recognize that not all friendships last. This person might not be a good fit for your life right now, and that's okay, too. It doesn't mean it's forever. It just means right now you also need to take care of yourself. It's not their fault. It's not your fault. It's just a crappy situation, as Faraday says.
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This sounds very awful and I offer my sympathy. I've been through a similar situation, but made a choice which I know is hard for anyone who isn't a cat or a robot.
One of my best friends. When things are good they're great, but every 2nd or 3rd game night it's just this massive black cloud that's REALLY difficult to navigate.
I can't speak for your feelings, and I know that there is more to the story as to why this person is one of your best friends, but I can't help but feel that you are telling yourself that they are so close in order to justify the guilt you feel in wanting to tell them off. Further, I think you want to justify why you feel like a bad friend even though you're not the one acting badly. Said another way, you may consider them a friend, but I don't think they are treating you like one.
I offer this anecdote.
My best friend back home was my first girlfriend. We have known each other for over 25 years. (Fuck, I'm old.) She got married, had her first child, and then was struck by nasty post-partem depression. During the course of her treatment, she developed mania and severe anxiety. She didn't tell me a thing about it for two years, during which she never returned my calls or texts. But when she did finally reconnect, she explained simply: I didn't talk to you because I didn't want my problems to be your problems. I disagreed with her strategy, but I can understand that what she did had good intentions.
I'm not seeing that here.
I want to approach them as a brother and recommend counseling and seeing a doctor about it, but I'm afraid they'll go super edgelord about it or storm off out of the friendship out of "chase me" rage.
I will borrow from Hagakure here, as I do these days:
"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking."
If your friend wants help, they will listen; if they do not, they will not; so there is nothing to do but accept that the result is actually out of your control.
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I feel this.
Once upon a time on a game far, far, away... I had a RPing partner on a MU*. They were giving off all the indications of something being off about their patterns. They were partying harder, they were depressed, they were angry, etc. We would touch on it. I wasn't sure what to do for the longest time for many of the reasons already listed here. Then I just one day went -- Hey, are you really okay? Seriously? -- Then I went through and talked about medication and how I don't view it as something that had to be hidden. I shared a bit of my own personal story and that person ended up seeking help.
Now, it is not your JOB to do this. Please understand that. Not everyone is the same. -- My thought on it (which is personal) is that if someone is put upon my heart, then I should reach out. I would rather lose a friend with a show of concern then stay silent. HOWEVER that is just my thoughts and your choices are valid how you end up handling it.
I'm sorry that you are in the situation though.
