Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff

Auspice

I've got myself in the queue to get her book from my library.

I grew up in that environment of negative emotions, even in sensical situations (didn't get the part in the play, broke a limb, etc. type things) being unacceptable.

I've had those people over the years who berate me about thinking positive, to the point I was making things worse because I'd end up shaming myself for being 'unable' to be positive.

This woman doesn't speak about giving over to the negative emotions, but instead to acknowledge them, accept them, and find the root cause so that you can move forward. I've been doing this in a way (largely due to a therapist who has helped me understand that it is OK to feel, even if it's a negative emotion) and I have felt so much better. I'm happier now, embracing those emotions, than I was when I'd beat myself up for not 'thinking positive.'

Lisse24

@Auspice
I think this is very important stuff - recognizing the validity of feeling frustrated, down, or angry with a situation.

Right now, my family is going through the toughest time it has ever gone through. Nearly a year ago exactly, I attended the funeral of my aunt after a very short and painful battle with cancer. In the beginning of October, my sister was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to an extremely premature infant a few weeks later. Now, five months down the road, my niece is still in the NICU with no coming home date anywhere on the horizon.

One of the things that has struck me as we go through both of these situations is how reluctant people are to recognize that this is hard and it sucks for us. Up to the moment that my aunt died, people were visiting her and telling her that she would get better. This very morning, as I explained the situation with my niece, a friend said, "Well, she'll be home soon!" No. No, she won't and it sucks. We're tired and grumpy and telling us to look on the bright side delegitimizes the struggle that we're going through right now.

Ganymede

@Lisse24 said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

This very morning, as I explained the situation with my niece, a friend said, "Well, she'll be home soon!" No. No, she won't and it sucks. We're tired and grumpy and telling us to look on the bright side delegitimizes the struggle that we're going through right now.

They are saying this to comfort themselves. Folks don't want to admit how easy it is to fall on hard times. They still want to believe that everything will be fine if you pick yourself up by the bootstraps.

Auspice

@Ganymede said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

@Lisse24 said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

This very morning, as I explained the situation with my niece, a friend said, "Well, she'll be home soon!" No. No, she won't and it sucks. We're tired and grumpy and telling us to look on the bright side delegitimizes the struggle that we're going through right now.

They are saying this to comfort themselves. Folks don't want to admit how easy it is to fall on hard times. They still want to believe that everything will be fine if you pick yourself up by the bootstraps.

It's dangerous to the people in the thick of it, tho. It's like that article even said- that woman had people in a cancer group who were the most optimistic people she'd ever met. Which, props to them for being positive. It's hard in that state.

But the whole mindset of 'Just be optimistic!' leads so many of us to either squelching the sad/upset or even berating themselves for it. It's OK to feel like something sucks when it does.

I'm sorry to hear, @Lisse24. Esp. your niece. That sort of situation is hard on everyone.

Ganymede

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

It's dangerous to the people in the thick of it, tho. It's like that article even said- that woman had people in a cancer group who were the most optimistic people she'd ever met. Which, props to them for being positive. It's hard in that state.

Sure. People can elect to feel however they feel about a certain topic. I'm okay with that. Shoving platitudes on someone does little to make them feel better, though. And I've learned that it breeds resentment and can even exacerbate the problem.

My partner gets panic attacks about examinations in her program, which she gets every 2 or 3 weeks. I used to try to pep her up and encourage her, but she told me recently that just made it worse. Made her feel like, if she didn't pass, that she'd be letting me down. So my new strategy is just letting her deal with it her own way, and trying not to get frustrated from the fact that I've seen her for only a few hours every couple of weeks, and, by then, I'm so lonely and detached that I've nothing to say to her.

I mean, I can basically feel our partnership falling to bits, but I don't say shit about it. It doesn't help. The only thing I can hope is that, at the end of the road, there's something to cling onto that we can build around.

Catsmeow

It's hard when relationships are going through the rough patches. It's hard to allow yourself not to be okay.

If you ask anyone in life, my super power is my optimism. They say this all gloriously well and are proud that I, their friend, is probably the most happy and positive person. So my confession? I hate it. I hate every little moment of it. My optimism is in most instances the largest lie in my life.

I was raised by an addict and that 'just keep swimming' is just keep lying. Smile! If you smile no one asks questions. If you laugh it off, no one inquires too much to the bruise or the fact your parent is still asleep. Then you start protecting them and the best way to do that? Never show a negative thought or emotion. It becomes this perfect stage act and you just cannot stop even when you want to. Why? Because you have cultivated this image and now you have to maintain it. You can't be sad because you are the one they always expect to be happy. You can't be 'a realist' because they are looking to you for all the silver linings on all the dark clouds. The worst thing? Is you lose yourself and your identity because you are think people won't love you/care for you/hang out with you when it's bad. Also, you find it as a truth because you make people double uncomfortable when you are upset. You are their security blanket and your optimism is their drug and they don't know how to let you be a real person.

TL;DR - I might have jut got too real for MSB - Sorry.

Auspice

@Ganymede

I think we're on a similar page here. I misunderstood your previous post as trying to say that those platitudes are a good thing to be saying. And it might help the person themselves, but I think people (esp. when it comes to physical health) need to scale back on repeating them to the people involved.

I mean, a 'I hope things improve soon' once is alright, but constant 'Oh I'm sure it'll happen tomorrow!'

And you're doing the right thing with your partner. As someone who gets panic/anxiety attacks, nothing makes me feel worse than being told 'Just calm down' or 'It'll be fine.' Because deep down, yes, you are aware of that, but it doesn't stall/stop the tightness in your chest and the struggle to breathe... so you do start to feel like a failure.

And having been close to people who also suffer it, there is that huge desire to do something for them... The best you can do is be supportive. Does your partner have a favorite comfort food? Bring it by for them the weekend after they've had an especially difficult paper or test. Just swing in and be all, 'Here's that food you love, wanna watch a movie?'

Us anxious types... failure, esp. public failure is the worst thing. You can tell us you won't think less of us if we don't learn a new skill right away or if we get a C instead of an A on a test... but because we feel like we failed ourselves, we'll also feel like we failed you, and we don't want to hurt your image of us.

It's.. a really difficult thing to live with. On both sides. You want your partner to know that you support them no matter what. The best way? Through action. I'm sorry it's hard right now, but you are doing it right.

Ganymede

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

I'm sorry it's hard right now, but you are doing it right.

Thank you. I'm always right, eventually. You'll understand.

Despite my robotic exterior, those who know me know I'm an optimist. I'm also slightly loony. So, while I believe things will be all right, even if it isn't I will be fine. There's nothing I can think of that can help me right now, except handling myself, which my partner allows me to do on a regular basis.

(And, yes, I'm better than you at karaoke. Step up, champ; I'll take you down.)

Working out. Singing hard. That's been my life for the past year. But before then? The same, pretty much. But it's been almost four years, and it's getting harder and harder to be civil these days.

Catsmeow

@Ganymede

Obviously you should come visit with @Auspice and we will go sing. Actually, I'll probably drink while you two sing.

Ganymede

@Catsmeow said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

Actually, I'll probably drink while you two sing.

That's not how this works.

If we gonna be Destiny's Child, you gotta sing.

Auspice

Woah, who's volunteering me to sing?!

Do you realize how much liquor you have to get into me? No one wants that bar tab.

Ganymede

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

Do you realize how much liquor you have to get into me? No one wants that bar tab.

I'm rich, biotch.

Auspice

@Ganymede said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

Do you realize how much liquor you have to get into me? No one wants that bar tab.

I'm rich, biotch.

So long as you're buying. I'm too poor for bar drinkin'.

Ganymede

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

So long as you're buying. I'm too poor for bar drinkin'.

We're doing this some place cheap, right? I mean, me and @hedgehog are supposed to meet up in Dayton, Ohio some time. You should come with. Booze be cheap down here; I be drinking double Blantons neat for under $10.

Thenomain

@Ganymede

Don't you have a "I don't fraternize with people I know online" rule? I'm hurt.

Auspice

@Ganymede said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

So long as you're buying. I'm too poor for bar drinkin'.

We're doing this some place cheap, right? I mean, me and @hedgehog are supposed to meet up in Dayton, Ohio some time. You should come with. Booze be cheap down here; I be drinking double Blantons neat for under $10.

I haven't been to Dayton in about a decade.

By Fall, I'll be living in the DC region. You should go there. >.>

surreality

D.C. is absolutely near enough to my neck of the woods that I would happily crash any MSB gathering that bothered to tell me where it was happening.

Ganymede

@Thenomain said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

Don't you have a "I don't fraternize with people I know online" rule? I'm hurt.

I said we are "supposed to," not that we "had."

Besides, you got my e-mail account and fake pseudonym. Isn't that enough?

hedgehog

@Ganymede

We'll see what happens - the Remick reunions might not be happening now that Grandpa Russ is getting kinda into the swing of dementia and bad short term memory loss. But if it does, it's usually the last weekend in June or so.

Faceless · MSB free since 24/3/2018

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

@Ganymede said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

@Auspice said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:

So long as you're buying. I'm too poor for bar drinkin'.

We're doing this some place cheap, right? I mean, me and @hedgehog are supposed to meet up in Dayton, Ohio some time. You should come with. Booze be cheap down here; I be drinking double Blantons neat for under $10.

I haven't been to Dayton in about a decade.

Because it's...Dayton. That's reason enough.

I jest.