So I'm doing WAY better now. This is good. I'm employed (if even part-time), I'm on track with my eating, I'm walking like 3+ miles a day and today --- I finally felt like me again. I woke up and did some things and really I felt like the happy person that I normally am. It occurs that this has been going on for a week or two. So it's like I'm almost back to normalcy.
The only bad thing is that I have a backwards look on my instability. My anxiety/depression makes it so I don't always see it and my MS brain issues added to it means I don't 'understand' when it's happening. We don't always see the problem when we are in the middle of it. You know?
I see people taking mental health breaks from the hobby and today, I realize I should have done that in like October - April. My life fell apart and I fell apart with it. I should not have been supplementing my havoc of a RL with an virtual one. It's what I was doing. I couldn't see it at the time, but in hindsight, totes what I was doing.
I have NEVER been asked to leave a game before. I'm usually super up to get involved and tend to try to get others involved as much as possible, etc. I was asked to leave a game. Which was horrible for them (I mean obviously if I was asked to leave) and for a bit, really horrible for me. Like really really bad. However, it also made me take a break from MUing on a regular basis to fix me. I mean sometimes you need a stranger to give a wake up call. I was just seething in questions and bitter. It was less at a game (and the people on it) and more with where my RL was.
Depression and anxiety are a hell of a bitch to deal with. It's hard on the person suffering and we've touched on that, but it's also hard to the people around them while they are in their 'off' period. There is moments of reassurance needed, blowing things up that normally they wouldn't, etc. That list goes on and people have to deal with it if they are around you. We don't always talk about that. We try to say they should be understanding, but really we don't understand ourselves - so how can they? Also, if a person has only known you in your 'blue' period -- you might look like you belong on the batshit crazy board and they are probably wondering why others are defending you.
Anyways - This is just my rambling musing because that's sort of what this board is about. Mental health and all that. So I want to check in and say I'm good and back to normal (haha). The other thing s that I owe an apology (not on the apology thread - or the sorry not sorry board) to @apos and @Kanye-Qwest. I was stupid unstable on their game as I joined it at rock bottom IRL. So while my feels were hurt for the 'maybe this isn't the best game for you', it was what I needed to be like daaaayum son, I'm a little further gone than I thought. So anyways -- apologies to you two and any that I was a bit off towards there.
Okay, now work calls. Thank you for letting me ramble.