Jul 7, 2020, 6:05 PM
I feel you. I think you might have a lot of company really, even if we all express it differently (or similarly). 
RL Sads
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I feel you. I think you might have a lot of company really, even if we all express it differently (or similarly).
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I know I'm anthropomorphizing Bell (my dog) but it's so hard not to these days. We're tired, she's getting tired, but every time I think I'm closer to making hard decisions she plunks her head in my lap and demands attention.
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Hey there @SilentHills, I'm not sure if we've ever talked to one another before (I'm not really great with screen names), but I wanted to say that your feelings are completely valid and if you do need someone to talk to and don't mind waiting for a small amount of time between responses, you can DM me here. If not, that's also cool - after all, you don't know me, but sometimes it's useful to bounce things off a stranger, even if you just want to yell at someone about some issue in private.
I'd also encourage you to get back into talk therapy, but with the state of the world that can be difficult. My university gave us some resources to give to folks who can't attend in-person sessions or are having issues affording them. I'll post the link below. I think it's fantastic that you're addressing that your feelings will hopefully not be forever. I also deal with some pretty horrendous chronic depression, and keeping a mindful attitude toward the idea that I won't always feel like I've been hit by a train is extremely difficult.
Have you ever heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? I really like it, probably in part due to how it can gamify therapy. The principal function of ACT is that it focuses on providing behavioral adjustments that can address cognitive issues. So, rather than CBT's "just change how you think about a thing" approach, an ACT approach will provide suggestions on how you should address certain behavioral functions on how you think about things. The most effective way I've seen this done is a deck of these very specific cards that suggest different behavioral and cognitive methodologies for addressing problems. I am trying to find a free PDF of them but am coming up short. If you're interested I can take some pictures of my physical copy and throw them your way. One example statement on the ACT deck is "Who is the wisest person you know?" Then, the follow up would be "why do you think this, and how could you emulate that wisdom?"
Anyway, just a thought. I hope you are doing all right today.
Resources from my uni: https://theshrinkspace.com/ - I used this for a therapist and it was pretty great. All telehealth, will work with some insurances, and most have a sliding scale.
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@somasatori That is amazingly sweet of you. Changing how you think about things doesn't always work out. I think that the description of ACT you gave me sounds like a looooot of guided journals I tend to buy, whether they just be silly ones like, '701 things about me' but ones that really make you think, you know? I like that idea and would be interested in seeing more examples!
Thank you for your kind response. Today was a rough day and my brain is my own worst enemy. Most of the time scenarios I think of in my head aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I know I need to change that way of thinking because it interferes with my relationships.
That being said, I appreciate you reaching out. Thank you - and I'm checking into the Shrink Space thing too. I told my partner earlier tonight I was seriously thinking about starting therapy again.
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@SilentHills Hey not a problem! I know how it can be. There are so many times that the days run rough and it feels like you have absolutely no one who will listen to you vent. Especially these days, what with the plague.
The ACT Deck is pretty cool, I do have to admit that my focus is in forensic psychology with a secondary focus in trauma, so I have relatively little training in handling depression directly. However! One of my professors set up my previous cohort into groups with a few ACT cards that we went over with one another. It's meant to be a tool to help you recontextualize a lot of ideas that you may have issues with - very much like your guided journals. Another thing that's helpful in ACT (and Emotionally Focused Therapy) are the idea of values.
Here's an example: http://www.motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf
So, the way this works is you select 20 values out of the list, then break those down to 15, then take five more out, then take two more out, then three more until you have five core value statements with which you strongly associate. I think I read in another post that you're a psych minor, so you might go over this in your classes. Anyhow, once you get down to those five values, write one sentence as to why it's important to you. Definitely try to write more if you can, but it's not important if you can't write more than a sentence. The important thing is to critically address why a specific value is important to you.
We're moving, so I've packed up my cards, but we've got to repack, so I shall try to find them.
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@badger Just want to send mental good vibes and love your way, been there-ish.
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I'm all spent. Ain't got nothing left. Resilience pools are empty. And I'm looking at at least another year. I don't know how this is going to happen.
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@Sunny I'm right there with you. I'm sorry that you are there though, because it's a very bad place to be.
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This misery does not want company. Get out.
That is to say, I hope you feel better soon. I hope I feel better soon, too. Somebody's got to be carrying a portable charger somewhere. If I find it I'll pass it along.
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My uninsured sister tested positive for covid yesterday after probably being exposed on July 4th, and is putting off going to the hospital despite having emergency symptoms.
My partner got laid off, too.
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@PuppyBreath I'm really super sorry. I can only tell you I hope it gets better!
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She was the best dog. That's all.
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@badger said in RL Sads:
She was the best dog. That's all.
As far as I'm concerned I lost a child when I went through this. I'm sorry for your loss.
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@badger So sorry
Yes..That's like losing a child I'd say. Eat all the icecream and drink all the things! You deserve it! -
I have lost a child and long-beloved pets. I grieved for them all in very, very similar ways. It is very alike. @badger, be easy with yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss but also glad she was so loved. All my hugs to you.
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I'm two years late to even notice that this was a thing that happened and I don't even know where to talk about it, but I discovered today that the CRACKED/PWoT forums are no more and it hit me kinda hard. I have mixed feelings about it all.
I was a big fan of Pointless Waste of Time back in the day, and was a member of the forums from around 2008 onward. Never terribly active, but it was one of those staples of my online life that I returned to. In all honesty, the community was a little toxic imo -- they had these really arbitrary standards for posting and a "core" group that was very difficult to break into, and some moderators genuinely got abusive to new people especially. But still, I'm sad to see it go.
It feels like some essential part of what I enjoyed so much about the internet has gone the way of the dinosaur and social media sites like Facebook are a really impersonal replacement, ironically. I've yet to find the sense of community there I ever felt on forums.
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My depression has been affecting more than usual the last few days. It's not anything anyone did. It's nothing that happened on any of the games I play on. It's just me. Mostly work being a consistent thorn in my side and needing a break(for which I'm glad I have a five day weekend coming up after today).
And I'm sorry for being a burden on people if I'm sometimes a pain in the ass to deal with. I'm probably not, and it's probably just me thinking that I am, but really not. And... see how the circular thinking preys on itself?
I'm okay. I'm just struggling a little bit. But I'm okay. And yes, for those of you that know me, I still want to play with you. Just, having more moments than usual.
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Me too, man. Pandemic. Trauma. Long-term. You're allowed to not be as OK. I'm glad to hear you recognize it for what it is, and that you have time off coming up.
One of the big things I've been slapped with in the last few days is the reminder that even though all of us are dealing with utter shit in our worlds right now, that does not mean that the people who care about you don't have the space to listen. It's OK to talk to them (or us, here) without feeling guilty. Your brain and the depression will tell you folks don't care / don't want to listen / that other people have it worse and you have no right, but that's not true.
You are NOT more of a pain in the ass than anyone else right now and what pain there might be your friends understand because of what the world looks like right now.
eta: I am literally midst meltdown right now (in a particularly lucid moment) and everybody is still talking to me and I promise you I am like 100 times more of a PITA.
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So, one thing that I tell people over and over - and @Testament has heard this from me literally yesterday - is that it's really hard to be someone who is both pretty smart and mentally ill. When you're smart, you take pride in that great big brain of yours! You come to trust it and its ability to synthesize information, solve problems, think creatively, etc.
But here's the thing: Your brain is also full of lies.
It tells you stupid shit like, "Ohh, Aria! Silly girl. None of your 'friends' actually like you. They just put up with you and never say anything about what a wretched burden dealing with you is because they're just too polite. Don't believe anything nice they say to you! That's just social expectation. You're really just a pile of hot garbage."
So you get frustrated. You get frustrated with yourself because you have this otherwise pretty cool brain that just malfunctions in this one particular way and why, why why, can't you just make the stupid thing work like it's supposed to??
My honest to god recommendation is to start dissociating from your negative self-talk. Stop treating it like it's a part of you and start treating your anxiety/depression/OCD/PTSD/whatever like it's the shittiest roommate imaginable. You don't like them, in fact you hate this asshole, but they're on the lease that is your head and you can't just kick them out. It is a whole lot easier to talk back to your negative self-talk when you've made it into a little caricature in your imagination that is the sort of wretched person that starts off sentences with things like "I don't mean to sound racist, but....", who literally never pays you back for anything ever, and who dents your car but insists its fine 'because you have insurance, anyway, right?!', etc.
Treat your negative self-talk like it's the sort of person whose opinion you'd never give a shit about, anyway, but would instead mutter about behind their back/under your breath and it's a whole lot easier to ignore.
"Nobody actually wants to---"
"Did I fucking ask you? No. No, I didn't, so shut up."Trust me (and my therapist) on this.
https://whatiswrongwith.me/Mia
There were never any good old days. They are today. They are tomorrow. It's a stupid thing we say, cursing tomorrow with sorrow. -- Gogol Bordello -
You are 100% correct. In-deed.