@Ganymede reminded me of this so blame her.
I hate, hate, hate, hate the mindset that says "There is only good, or bad."
Sometimes, things are just 'fine' and that's perfectly okay! Great is the enemy of good, and all that.
The last few years have seen a really strong polarization of everything, I feel. Is this good or bad, do you love or hate this, right or wrong, like, I'm sorry that life isn't a listicle.
I and my characters often wear round sunglasses and lately are both pretty pasty, but that's about it.
I am uninsured. My cancer-related costs have run up to about $40-50k. (For cancer, that is cheap.) I got to stage 3c because we couldn't afford chemo. I only got chemo because my oncologist treated me for free. This didn't mean that my treatment was free, but that he wasn't going to charge me HIS fee, and I went through quite a few before finding one willing to treat me at all (because I was uninsured). My prognosis, because I'd had to wait a year between surgery and chemo, was 'a few months to live, maybe a few more with chemo. We want to try to make you as comfortable as you can be for the time you've got left'.
I went unexpectedly into remission, but I wasn't supposed to. Skip the next section if you need to because it's going to be gross, but I want to try to convince folks to stay insured with my real life example.
The excruciating pain of my tumors coming out of my navel and pressing into my rectum, groin and spine, consuming my reproductive system and junk, the physical cost of major surgery that butterflied me on the operating table and took out a football-sized tumor piece by piece because I would have died if it had all been taken out at once (the thing had grown an artery), my side muscles, part of my abdominal wall, scar tissue all over my abdomen several inches thick, and several other bits that I'd love to have; bleeding every day for over a year until surgery, or how much the double infusion (five hours a shot) and the booster shot fucked me up and still fucks me up to this day with permanent severe nerve damage and other damage. And not just the physical, I was a mental zombie for years and I mostly still am. I still have to take five Oxy a day, and fighting to get that prescription was a nightmare even though I respond well to it, have never felt the need to increase my dose, and respond to nothing else as effectively.
I only got my surgery because my tumor exploded: it had so many tendrils snaking out that it wrapped around part of itself and burst. That qualified as an emergency so medicaid covered part of the fee. My chemo did NOT qualify.
This was and has been my life for the last few years. (This is why I get annoyed when people say I did this or that, like, who has the time when you have actual stuff to worry about?)
If I'd had insurance and regular check-ups, this could all have been avoided.
I strongly suggest trying to avoid the horror story that is getting seriously ill whilst uninsured.
I understand premiums suck, but D and I have been paying over a grand a month just to cover our medical costs out of pocket because I am uninsured and she lost her benefits because of my cancer fundraiser (under Trump's new rules, that counted as income, not medical costs; her choice was to drop my treatment or lose her healthcare).
After all that, I now have to become the aide just to save a portion of that because I also have diabetes and we need to have enough money to keep actual food in the house. Considering that several of my friends have been dying from kidney and liver related ailments in some cases due to diabetes, I find it particularly urgent to eat better.
If this country had any semblance of reasonable healthcare, all of this bullshit could have been avoided. I'm originally from canada (no, I could not return to my home country for treatment), and availed myself frequently of health services there, so I know what actual decent reasonable and available and effective healthcare actually is. I feel for everyone struggling with their medical costs, but insurance is necessary or you can die or suffer really horribly.
@ganymede You're probably not involved with whoever that person decides is theirs, or in the plot they've decided is theirs, etc.
@surreality I have been dragged into that kind of nonsense on MU*s, but I suspect that's because I've run some and people get salty and make stuff up to get back at folks for staff calls, etc. The average player's less at risk unless they run afoul of a queen bee.
@ganymede I wasn't too active there as I've been on a MUSH sabbatical for the last year, but most of the folks I talked to, including staff, seemed pretty decent and warm people. A number of solid players I'd known from other games all ended there and stayed there until it closed, so there had to be a reason for that.
In any case, as can be seen from many of the responses here (including mine), this is a pretty complex issue, and just saying, 'Well, don't get raped,' and 'Don't do this and you won't get raped' is very simplistic; that it's espoused by cops is especially difficult to listen to.
Quite a few of us have been assaulted, violated and traumatized and this logic has been used against us. I don't know that more words of my own will help get that across, so at least for now I'll leave things at that.
I know, also, that the suggestion Derp made wasn't out of malice, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
@tnp Nobody's questioning that, though there is understandable anger that women pay more for public transport, have to be aware of every exit, watch where they go at night AND the day, worry about the guy telling her to smile, watch their drinks, go to the bathroom in packs, etc, and guys don't have to do any of that and yet say, 'Oh, but YOU need to because rapists can't be bothered not to rape and that's just being responsible.'
Edit: further, the implication that 'oops I had a lil too much to drink!' is a tee hee moment for a guy but a rape scenario for a girl is pretty fucked up.
@aerianyx It's also galling because quite a few of what women (and other vulnerable groups) are told not to do are normal social activities in normal social spheres-- well, I guess they're only 'normal' for non-minority able-bodied straight bros.
I believe the issue is this:
Yet more "don't get raped" rather than "don't rape." Charming.
You know, I honestly do not understand why this sentiment is problematic.
[...]
And arguably this:
If stern rebukes were an effective deterrent we would have been doing that already.
Since there is a fuckload more that can be done about it and none of it is. Instead it's 'don't do this' and 'don't do that', and in many cases where this and that are not done, someone gets raped anyway.
@testament I wouldn't. Quite a few MUers are aware of this site, and many many many lurk but never post, but through playing and staffing I've found that a sizeable number (and probably the majority) does not give a fuck about MSB, bad actors, or controversies in general. They sign in, rp, and sign off. Stuff just rolls off.
@peasoupling It is.
Rapists tend to try to target people they identify as 'vulnerable'-- that's why we disabled are disproportionate targets. The problem is that 'vulnerable' can really mean 'being in public' if you present as female (or as ambiguous or trans), because rapists will try to rape you no matter what you wear, what you are doing, or where you are. The standards for this varies rapist by rapist, so it turns into, 'Well, don't do all of these things!' Okay, you can do that and STILL get assaulted, and it still doesn't change how half of the population is required to change all of their behaviors for something they didn't even ask for, and often times are not factors at all.
It's reasonable to take precautions, but holding that over someone's head imo is simply wrong. The only way, imo, you can really fully control the situation is by making rapists wholly accountable and stopping that.
I'm harping, but the intersection of vulnerability and assault (via gender, ability, whatever) is a personal issue of mine. I am in danger every day because I am an intersex paraplegic in a major city (which has had a mass shooting about a mile from where I live), who lives independently, who works on the street, and conducts most of their business at night. I attract people (and often weirdos) like someone who's allergic attracts cats.
(Some of these reasons are why I worry about Bot when she is out alone.)
@thenomain Um, not really exactly, though there have been some indie publishers who actually were more of a 'potential tv content farm' than seriously trying to produce anything long-term. OTOH, long-term series really struggle in this market. OTOH, imo Archie Comics should know better. (And when series get started but don't get completed, it makes fans more wary and drives sales down.)
Comics is really not a lucrative market unless you've got a lot of properties out there generating royalties, you're working on several at once, you're certain names at certain publishers, etc.
There is also the reality that your story being optioned will probably never make it to TV; Bot and I have one such book. Friends of mine have had their stuff optioned repeatedly and for decades and for whatever reason they never get made (but are often mined for 'inspiration').
IMO don't write a comic for tv, it's too circuitous. Just appreciate the drabbles of money you get every few years as the property shifts hands IF it gets optioned.
Further, both as a gripe and an illustration, of which I don't believe I've brought up here before, I was accosted on the Strip a small while back.
I was surrounded by many of the world's prettiest men and woman, folks in beautiful dresses and trousers and coats, all able-bodied and semi-drunk and having a great time. I, meanwhile, since I live here, was dressed in nice but non-party clothes and stone-cold sober.
I was also in my wheelchair, presenting an ambiguous gender-- some people assume from the back that I'm a man, others a woman. IE, not necessarily someone who would stand out as amazingly hot attention magnet, right?
This guy walks right up behind me and starts fondling me. Telling me he's gonna take care of me, this and that.
Why did he do this?
Because I am disabled. Because he felt entitled to go after me because I am less likely (he thought) to fight back. Because to him, I looked 'helpless'.
Because he wanted to.
You can't tell me, 'don't be disabled in public', even though I've actually been confronted with anger about that. 'Don't hold up the line while the meat guy chops the chicken up for you.' 'Don't hold the bus up because the driver needs to strap you down.' 'Don't block my way with your wheelchair.' 'Don't make me stumble over you because your head is at elbow height and I had mine in my phone.'
But why's it ok to tell a woman, 'don't be drunk in public.' 'Don't do drugs in public.' 'Don't wear this--' (Even though many assaults are done to people who dress unsexy.) 'Don't do that--'
'Oh, but she can CHOOSE to be drunk, you can't choose to not be disabled!'
The point is that the standard for preventing rapes is put on the victim, and is generally only aimed at ONE gender. Men don't have to go through every rigamarole and behavior-policing that women do. Why? Because most men don't rape men.
What she was wearing, drinking or smoking has no business being in a discussion about rape, aside from the regrettable having to train as a goddamn ninja, if you're a woman, to be able to function in public without being violated.
As an intersex person who has passed as both male and female at various points, especially whilst homeless, I had to learn how to defend myself pretty quickly. I n e v e r get drunk, I don't do any kind of drugs, and actively avoid things that will make me dopey even in a medical setting-- for example, when I had my chemo port put in, usually they give you the stuff that makes you drowsy. I just went with local because I didn't want to be impaired.
So, I have been in situations where I was attacked, or going to be attacked, sometimes sexually, by men. I was able to defend myself. The problem is that my defending myself or not had nothing to do with their INTENT of raping me. IE, my behavior had no impact on their decision to try-- at least at first. I did develop a reputation for being so brutally violent to any attackers that they stopped, but the problem then was that they simply transferred their intent to rape someone to someone else.
But telling women who have been assaulted, 'well, why did you put yourself in that situation?' especially if you are among the class of people doing the assaulting, is wrong. The only thing that leads to rape is rapists. Without rapists, there would be no rape. And the mindset that a girl who is drunk, drugged, unconscious, or impaired is just inviting rape is the justification that rapists as well as cops, friends, and most of society uses. This is also not a standard we put on men (even though it happens in those circumstances to them, too). Why is that, I wonder?
As someone who's been able to move between both gender presentations and dealt with the privileges and consequences of each, I can assure folks that there is very much a nasty double standard, and I am not surprised that people here are sick of it.
@aria As someone who is also like this, and I have watched this going on with my service dog with others, one of the key markers of inoffensiveness to animals is not making much eye contact an animal you've just met.
My super power is that I can detect certain chemicals in extremely minute contentrations from about an acre away. This used to be so bad that I'd get anaphylaxis from being in the same room as, say, a bar of soap, (and I was thus homebound for a number of years) but it's improved over the years. I can still identify gas leaks that even professionals have a hard time finding with specialised equipment, and can smell smoke so acutely that I've saved my family from two house fires.
