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    2. surreality
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    Posts made by surreality

    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth I have been so galled by your interpretation of my words, and selectively ignoring things stated directly, that I wasn't going to bother replying to you further. It was very clear you had a unique interpretation that had no basis in reality, and I have limited patience when it comes to addressing that situation.

      I cannot in good conscience remain silent on this point, and I must ask:

      Is this advice you are dispensing information have received from professionals?

      I am right there with you re: "they at a fundamental level do not understand where you are coming from and they get backed up by the majority because they also do not understand.

      It's intensely frustrating to a level that's hard to put into words and it happens constantly."

      It's dead on accurate.

      This "pretend to have totally different feelings and do not attempt to connect with others based on your real ones" advice? Not something I've heard in decades of therapy, ever.

      Being selective about who you do this with, when, and in what circumstances is a different animal. Is this what you actually mean here?

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: If you work hard, son, maybe someday you'll RP

      @Alamias The sad reality here is that a number of games have been considered along those lines for years.

      Various folks have come here to discuss or ask if there's interest, and the torrent of 'if it has/doesn't have X, it's doomed!' and similar worst case scenario doomsaying and nonsense grabs them by the throat and holds 'em under water until they're dead before they start.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: If you work hard, son, maybe someday you'll RP

      I am still not playing anywhere and not sure I'm going to make an attempt to change that state of affairs any time soon, if at all.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      <backspace backspace backspace> Nope, not today.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @A-B I used two examples there for a reason, both things you did not claim to do that are also problematic behaviors that arise every so often on games.

      I don't play on Spirit Lake. I never have. I have no idea what you did or didn't do other than what you claim here, which did not include either of those things.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @A-B said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

      Not everything people have been assuming I did or said is true. I just want to say that. (E.g. there was no "hate-filled screed".

      No one claimed you did. No one. I have no reason to believe you did, either.

      That example was in reference to me, as in, 'I would not be excused if I did this, even if the cause is a valid mental health issue I have.'

      It is an example of an unwelcome behavior, a legitimate cause for it, and that legitimate cause not excusing the behavior and not absolving the need to accept the consequences of it. That's it.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Roz ...my thoughts exactly. 😕

      brain explode

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth ...again, you are dead wrong. Just... completely and totally wrong.

      "Join the fucking club!' --> NOT MOCKERY. It is an expression of 'everyone has that problem right now'. WHICH IS ALSO NOT MOCKERY OH MY ACTUAL GODS WHAT THE FUCK.

      BEING DENIED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OR EMPATHY IS NOT MOCKERY. BEING DISMISSED AS THE QUOTE DESCRIBES IS NOT MOCKERY OR ABUSE OF ANY KIND.

      Again, Sunny gets it. I have zero clue where you're coming up with this mockery shit. I have even less of a clue where you're coming up with this:

      @Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

      people on this forum keep inventing excuses to not care about people on the spectrum

      There are not special rules for me because of my depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADD, PSTD-inducing life trauma(*), or isolation. I don't get a different set of rules to go by that make allowances for those things. You seem to be arguing that we should have a special set of rules for folks on the spectrum, allowing them to do things no one else is permitted to do, and not being reprimanded for things anyone else would be. That would be the special exception here, not 'everyone has to follow the rules and if they can't, they can't be here'.

      I don't get to have an anxiety day and go on a hate-filled screed on a public channel. I don't get to have a panic attack and verbally rip the head off of someone -- even if something that person did IC or OOC is what triggered a PTSD flashback and the panic attack.

      I am still absolutely responsible for all of those behaviors and I don't get a pass on them, even if they are not within my direct control.

      • Some games DO have some trauma triggers they allow people to opt out of, such as rape policies. That isn't 'about me' any more than it's also about 'oh god not this again' from plenty of people who have not gone through that. Plenty of other traumas don't get a pass.
      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

      @surreality said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

      There are endless permutations of this and all of them are real. I would ask you, how dare you delegitimize the suffering those people are going through?

      Suffering doesn't make it any more appropriate to make fun of disabilities. Suffering doesn't make the comparison any more valid. I'm not delegitimizing their suffering, I'm saying it's not comparable because it should not and can not be compared and I'm not going to indulge it being used an excuse to mock the disabled.

      Absolutely no one is making fun of anyone for having disabilities. What you initially quoted in no way is an example of making fun of someone for having a disability.

      It is an example of people assuming 'same shit, different day' to their own experience and not providing emotional support or empathy.

      Having emotional support and empathy (edit to correct: NOT freely) provided to you by complete strangers who are in no way being hired for this purpose and in fact are present to unwind and enjoy themselves playing make-believe is also not making fun of someone for having a disability.

      They are also in no way obligated to provide emotional support and empathy in that space, because that is not the purpose of that space.

      People not having the reserves they normally might to indulge this -- and make no mistake, it is indulging, it is NOT an obligation -- because of current circumstances? Is real. It is happening. The likelihood for someone to engage is lower than normal because of what's going on in the world and how many people it impacts. I am boggled by how you can't understand this; it is incredibly obvious and simple.

      You are completely off the rails with this notion that anyone is making fun of the disabled, supporting people to mock the disabled, or encouraging people to mock the disabled.

      You are, in fact, delegitimizing their suffering. In your own words.

      @Groth said in Tips for not wearing out your welcome:

      why invite the comparison or give it a veil or legitimacy?

      It is legitimate suffering, that's why. It doesn't need a veil.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth Are you seriously trying to... <just stares at the screen>

      AND EVEN SO. Now I will.

      Know what? There are studies on this shit. There are warnings all over the press about how people who aren't accustomed to this are also actually suffering, even if their circumstances are temporary. They are also sudden, traumatic, against their will, and outside their control.

      They may be suffering in a different way, but it does not minimize or remove their suffering.

      If someone is talking about 'isolation' and 'anxiety', those things? Apply to all variants.

      For some people, 'talking to your friends for a couple months' is their difference between life and death, mental health or major depression. Is this mentally healthy? Nope, but plenty of people base far too much of their identity on this sort of thing, and some are genuinely tailspinning because of the abrupt change. That is real.

      For some people, 'can get out of the house' is the difference between 'I have to stay home and be beaten by an abusive partner' and 'I can get away to a safe place when I see the warning signs'. I shouldn't have to lay out why this is a problem. Domestic violence is up on a curve that is utterly terrifying.

      There are endless permutations of this and all of them are real. I would ask you, how dare you delegitimize the suffering those people are going through?

      Because none of this exists in a vacuum. None of it is a competition. Suffering and mental health challenges can come from different sources and causes, but that makes them no less real. 'Bob's suffering is worse than Jane's' doesn't mean Jane's becomes irrelevant; maybe you should stop talking like that should be the special case here.

      People speak from their own personal experience, like I did. Which you promptly tried to mansplain the shit out of, telling me what my actual life is like, as though you know it better than I do. That is some dire bullshit, right there.

      ETA: Sunny nailed it.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth And another fucking thing, because now I'm pissed: read it again.

      The very quote you cite addresses exactly what you're talking about: people who are not accustomed to this circumstance are unlikely to react with empathy and will instead do more damage.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Groth In a normal period of time? I leave my house about once or twice a month, typically for medical appointments. I talk to precisely three people online -- barely ever. In person or on the phone, only my husband and parents. My husband works out of state for the majority of the week. We do one trip annually, through which I spend the entire time freaking out. That's been 'the norm' for roughly a decade.

      I actually know exactly what I'm talking about, but nice job trying to tell me you know my circumstances better than I do.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @A-B It's sounding like there are a lot of concerns and complications for you about this endeavor.

      Time zone issues are tough, but on a large enough game you may be able to find a decent crew of US nightowls or early risers. The problem with this is that large games are not at all common, and the number of them seems to be shrinking steadily year by year. RPIs apparently trend larger, so if you're looking into that, you may have better luck there also.

      This is likely going to sound harsher than I intend, but it's something I feel needs to be made abundantly clear. I have major social anxiety, general anxiety, and long term major depression, so I'm not speaking in a cavalier way about something I don't understand, or don't have long term personal experience coping with.

      What you seem to be seeking from whatever game you ultimately find is not going to be the answer. In a normal phase of human history, you would be very lucky to find a game that satisfies the need for interaction brought on by isolation. It is nor the responsibility of any game on the internet to provide the emotional support and resources, or an alternative, to prevent or change social isolation.

      There's a lot to this, because while you may not be expecting a new cadre of besties or someone to play emotional support lifeline or counselor, you have: repeatedly outlined things you feel staff should have done based on your emotional needs and isolation; repeatedly claimed they should have overlooked, excused, or forgiven based on these things. These things are also not OK.

      You ask for empathy and forgiveness, you don't ask for a free pass and insist they did it all wrong and it's so unfair based on your circumstances, you do not ask them to make special rules or change their existing rules or practices to suit you, and while you have done so politely in my estimation through this thread, you have done this consistently.

      That is not how this works.

      It is especially not how it works in this period of worldwide WTF. People who have zero experience with isolation are already struggling, and I have a genuine non-snark concern that if you talk about how you're in one of these spaces to escape RL isolation and expect some indulgence on the part of staff or other players because of a combination of anxiety and isolation, you are going to get sledgehammered by people screaming, "Join the fucking club!" as it is something the vast majority are dealing with.

      The only people I know of who are NOT dealing with it are even worse off, stocking shelves or in the health field, at major risk and subject to incredible if not outright insane circumstances. Plenty of them are right here in the hobby, and like all of us who are in various shades of lockdown, they're trying to engage in a little fun escapism in the tiny scraps of time life affords them to do so.

      Everyone's nerves are fried, and Gany put it far better than I could: these games have their own low thrum of steady stress. It is considerably worse right now. Looking for relief from isolation on these games is something that seems like common sense in a lockdown -- temporary or as a part of normal life for any given person -- but it isn't the easy solution it may seem, and that's in a normal time. You're less likely, right now, to get the kind of empathy and understanding you seem to be looking for because everyone's so stressed and screwed.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      @Tinuviel Addendum: if it appears more than everyone else combined, STOP IMMEDIATELY.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Tips for not wearing out your welcome

      Looking for vindication or redemption on a game is not something that's typically going to end well. It's also 'not what these games are for'. I empathize with the idea of regaining confidence by earning a second chance, but! ...it sounds like the kind of play going on on the game isn't something you're comfortable conveying/engaging with, which, even if the second chance was granted, would be a likely source of continued stress and reasons to be anxious.

      If OOC interaction is a common issue, you may want to look for games that allow for play with minimal or no OOC interaction required. You're more likely to find that on an RPI than a MUSH, from what I gather from other conversations on the forum.

      posted in Mildly Constructive
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Good TV

      @bored ^ THIS. All of this. All of it. All of it forever.

      How has he not killed literally everyone. Everyone. How is there still a human species at this point, between the dead girlfriends and the people worthy of a smite that some other idiot didn't wrongly smite causing the need for their smiting, I mean seriously HOW?!

      I am a lifelong pacifist and have never thrown a single slap or punch in 46 years and so help me there are so many people I would have bruised knuckles on over the course of that hellscape.

      posted in Tastes Less Game'y
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Good TV

      @Aria said in Good TV:

      there's still, like, five or six books worth of material to cover

      ...how is his name not Job already, seriously. I picture that series ending with an angry scrap of man-shaped leather shaking a defiant fist at the sky, standing in triumph on the parapet of his original land before Zeus' eagle zooms down to beak at his liver and chat about scheduling a recurring appointment.

      posted in Tastes Less Game'y
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff

      @Macha The only real advice I've got may or may not be helpful. I just know it's what often helps me when the pressure overwhelms. (I emotionally process things 'properly' somewhat slowly, and that's hard when there's pressure and stress, especially when the pressure and stress are compounding. It's hard to not just spiral into dwelling on the bad/misery/impending doom once the emotional processing door is flung open as 'what to focus on'. This helps buy me time, and omfg that helps.)

      I try to force a sort of 'mental break from the problem'. Often enough, this is some craft project or another. (Stress: that time when there are 20 different projects started in totally different media all over my studio/office; the struggle is real.)

      It's not 'pick up something previously started and work on finishing it', though I know some people that works for brilliantly. (Sense of 'solved an unfinished problem' accomplishment, not to be underestimated ever. Even if the project isn't something you consciously consider 'a problem' -- most of us don't -- it's the same feel.)

      I'll look for something I already know how to do reliably well, even if I haven't done it forever, and pick up something with two key factors: a new element in it to learn (keep it interesting, present myself with a relatively minor and conquerable challenge), and small enough to reasonably complete without it becoming a dramatic slog. (I am super bad at the last half there, like... so bad. Hilariously fail bad. Still, it is an important thing to consider.)

      Shift focus to working on that as much as you feasibly can without shirking whatever RL you do need to manage. Learning the new element will absolutely help keep your mind less inclined to wander than simply revisiting something you already know well without it. And, yep, the new thing should be relatively minor: if you pick a whole new medium(1) you run the risk of it not clicking at all and then the bad feels crawl in right when they're least welcome.

      While it's good to pick something you can reasonably finish for accomplishment factor, don't beat yourself up if you leave it hanging. The project isn't really the point. It's there to create mental breathing room for you, and if it pulls that off, it did its job.

      1. Medium can be literally anything here. Paint, draw, sew, write, compose poems, sing, dance, code... it really can be pretty much anything, provided that thing is not more stress than enjoyment for you on any given day.
      posted in Tastes Less Game'y
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Dead Celebrities 2020

      @Aria 2020 really needs to stop playing 'hold my beer' chicken with 2016.

      posted in Tastes Less Game'y
      surreality
      surreality
    • RE: Good TV

      @Macha I've been impressed. It's definitely worth watching. Again, I'm kinda biased because I love this sort of period drama, on the scale from serious to Reign/DaVinci, so. 😄

      In a number of cases, since they're showcasing generational shifts, they're aging up the young actors somewhat regularly as the series goes along. They're doing a good job of acting older and with more gravitas through that change steadily and well, which isn't something I always see. (Often enough, it's really just 'the same dude in a beard with a white streak, still acting 20something.)

      posted in Tastes Less Game'y
      surreality
      surreality
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