RL Anger

[Thenomain]

@admiral said in RL Anger:

@Aria I hate to be 'that guy', but men are sexually harassed and assaulted as well.

Yeah, well, right now we don't get to be the victim about this. Right now is the wrong time for that. We step back, be supportive, and know that when it's our time we can ask the same.

Look at what has just killed the final season of House of Cards. This is a sexual harassment case that wasn't predicated on a woman, so if you want to not be That Guy here's your chance. Sympathize with all children who are abused. Sympathize with women who are abused. And when you are cornered in a situation, over and over again from all quarters, where you are overpowered then you can ask for help on those account.

For instance, while not being That Guy, I am utterly horrified at the groups who pick on men for asking for this kind of help, men who were abused, men who don't know where to go or how to start. I can note that these groups are women, but who cares? They're acting on bad information and need to stop, re-focus, and find people who really deserve their ire. As it is, they're bullies, and that's just another phase of the problem.

These men you're talking about are an exception and should get the help they need, but it's nothing compared to the wave of abuse the overwhelming majority an entire gender garners. At the small-picture scale, everyone who needs help should get it. At the big-picture scale, we can wait for our own big issue.

[Ganymede]

@auspice said in RL Anger:

This man is an ass.
This wasn't just harsh criticism.

He never said a single positive thing. He cut me off constantly. He was practically yelling at me at times.

It took Phil Lord and Chris Miller almost 15 years to get a project of their own up off the ground again, and for crowds to appreciate their humor.

That said, when you're ready you should ask your instructor to put all of his criticism down into writing. And then, you should forward that onto his supervisor, along with the accounts of everyone else in your class who probably went through the exact same thing.

Abuse comes in many forms, and always breeds in darkness.

[Auspice]

@ganymede said in RL Anger:

@auspice said in RL Anger:

This man is an ass.
This wasn't just harsh criticism.

He never said a single positive thing. He cut me off constantly. He was practically yelling at me at times.

It took Phil Lord and Chris Miller almost 15 years to get a project of their own up off the ground again, and for crowds to appreciate their humor.

That said, when you're ready you should ask your instructor to put all of his criticism down into writing. And then, you should forward that onto his supervisor, along with the accounts of everyone else in your class who probably went through the exact same thing.

Abuse comes in many forms, and always breeds in darkness.

I hate that I began crying, but being cut off and snapped at every time I tried to explain myself... Especially when he'd ask me to explain and then 'NO. Stop talking and listen!' ...it just got to me and I found myself (silently) crying for a bit. I was just so frustrated.

At one point, I did manage to explain: 'I did this this way because in part 1 of the class, we were told...'
'You just misunderstood him.'
I got a good grade in that other class. I don't think would have if I had misunderstood things.

I am definitely going to be talking to my advisor about it. I accepted the phone conference because I know it's important to transition from just written criticism (which allows you time to process/react) to live (where you have to stay composed and react on the spot)... But he wasn't professional. Asking me a question and then cutting me off isn't. Ranting on at length when I've already said I understand isn't. Not being able to say even one positive thing about my work isn't.

I mean, shit, we students can lose professionalism points in our grade if we don't say at least one positive thing to our classmates in feedback/review.

[Wizz]

@sunny said in RL Anger:

Fucking inability to sleep. I have been waking up 1-2 hours early every morning (or more) for weeks now, regardless of what time i go to bed. This morning it was sleeping in to wake at 5. I am so tired.

6:30 AM. Doesn't matter when I actually go to sleep, I keep waking up at 6:30 on the fucking dot and then I can't go back to sleep. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[surreality]

I did not want to have to deal with ordering new displays this year for the autumn art and craft show chaos.

We've needed them for well over a decade, but naturally, when I wasn't flying solo, I got stonewalled with 'what we have is good enough!' while it was falling apart and looked like such crap that we got booted from some of the better shows we did because my dear sainted mother just refused to admit that her jury-rigged dimestore bullshit really, really looked like jury-rigged dimestore bullshit. (And by the time she finished making whatever, it barely cost less than the professional version of whatever it was -- sometimes it ended up costing more, and often enough it always required way more maintenance and thus cost over time, all while looking like hot garbage.)

So, yay. Creative control and I can finally start phasing out the crap... with almost zero budget. That's not ideal but it's an improvement.

What's less good is ordering stuff from all over the damn planet, splitting things up amongst accounts and my husband having to get some stuff and me other stuff, since all of our accounts are still separate, even if we share expenses for things and whatnot, and hoping it all shows up in time.

This year, it's gridwall hell. Bunches of huge heavy boxes that cost a bloody fortune to ship. $30 to ship a frickin' $25 triangle stand, people. What in the actual fuck.

When my husband saw that a few days ago, he spoke the magic words: 'screw that, I will just rig something up!'

(Because that's totally served us so well in the past, right?)

The rant he got was more blistering and hyperbolic than anything I've ever said here or on any version or variant of WORA through the years, but with the added bonus of cheesy impressions, living cartoon wild take expressions, and agitated Italian woman hand gestures a-plenty. By the end of it, we were both in tears laughing, but he immediately understood why we were going to order that goddamned triangle base without further carping on about the admittedly ridiculous shipping and we were going to like it.

(And then they dicked us around further, increasing the price because it's being shipped to a residence, despite not having disclosed this anywhere on their site or had any tick boxes or anything to indicate we needed to tell them that or that they were primarily geared toward sending shit to loading docks exclusively, and goddammit, I looked, 'cause that shit'll fuck you unexpectedly like that.)

For the past three days, he's been trying to forward the ship notification and the tracking info.

It finally came through late into last evening.

It will be here in the morning... possibly the early morning... so I am stuck sitting through insomniaville, chugging coffee like it's going to globally run out, trying to prepare myself to lug 3 60lb+ boxes into a house that is similarly and laughably ill-prepared to house 3 60lb+ boxes on my own, 'cause he decided to stay up north last night to catch a special art theater showing of a movie this afternoon with his gaming friends.

I'm under lifelong doctor's orders to never lift anything over 5lbs lest I finish completely fucking up my spine. Since no human can readily live this way I regularly ignore that, but I try not to do so to this degree, especially in the 'and it all gets thrown through the door at lightning speed' pace this is gonna doubtless entail. (Which will be after I finish moving everything away from the door. Yay. It is the first break from that bullshit now.)

FML.

That we have to go through this same bullshit next year, potentially with international shipments, is not giving me a case of the warm fuzzies right about now.

[Aria]

@auspice said in RL Anger:

@ganymede said in RL Anger:

@auspice said in RL Anger:

This man is an ass.
This wasn't just harsh criticism.

He never said a single positive thing. He cut me off constantly. He was practically yelling at me at times.

It took Phil Lord and Chris Miller almost 15 years to get a project of their own up off the ground again, and for crowds to appreciate their humor.

That said, when you're ready you should ask your instructor to put all of his criticism down into writing. And then, you should forward that onto his supervisor, along with the accounts of everyone else in your class who probably went through the exact same thing.

Abuse comes in many forms, and always breeds in darkness.

I hate that I began crying, but being cut off and snapped at every time I tried to explain myself... Especially when he'd ask me to explain and then 'NO. Stop talking and listen!' ...it just got to me and I found myself (silently) crying for a bit. I was just so frustrated.

At one point, I did manage to explain: 'I did this this way because in part 1 of the class, we were told...'
'You just misunderstood him.'
I got a good grade in that other class. I don't think would have if I had misunderstood things.

I am definitely going to be talking to my advisor about it. I accepted the phone conference because I know it's important to transition from just written criticism (which allows you time to process/react) to live (where you have to stay composed and react on the spot)... But he wasn't professional. Asking me a question and then cutting me off isn't. Ranting on at length when I've already said I understand isn't. Not being able to say even one positive thing about my work isn't.

I mean, shit, we students can lose professionalism points in our grade if we don't say at least one positive thing to our classmates in feedback/review.

Over the course of my time (as an adult student) at my alma mater, I complained about two professors. One was rampantly and disgustingly sexist and racist, while teaching a class that was effectively about colonialism, so that was.... fun. In his case, I ended up reporting him to the Chancellor and their legal counsel, effectively saying to the school "Between his comments to 19 year old girls and his comments to brown boys, your ass is gonna get sued. FIX THIS."

The other.... was a case much more like your own. I had a professor who -- in a half-semester class that met twice a week for three hours -- ended multiple classes early and cancelled three classes with no warning but a note taped on the door. (Bear in mind: We were almost all adult students. None of us lived on campus. Thanks for making some of us drive from an hour away for no reason!) So she'd cancelled almost half our class time. The rest of our class time, she'd frequently launch into lectures... about her personal life, totally unrelated to the material. She was rude. She was belittling. She constantly cut students off in class. She'd ask for opinions and literally just dismiss them midway through a sentence with 'No.' Halfway through the course and she hadn't given any of us, not one, a single item we'd turned in with feedback, so we had no idea what our grades were, what her expectations were, or how to calibrate to meet them. She didn't follow her own syllabus and about half the time, none of us knew what was due despite repeatedly asking her. Most of the students hated her.

In her case, I didn't go to the Chancellor because it wasn't quite to the degree of "You are leaving yourself open to some serious liabilities if he gropes a girl and then years of this professor's reputation suddenly come spilling out and the administration is all 'Whoopsies!!! Didn't knoo---oooow.' sing-song bullshit." (Legit, I was once in the bathroom during a break bitching to a classmate about this guy and a girl in the next stall, who was not in our class, came charging out when she heard his name and went off. It was glorious and we both felt way less crazy.)

In her case, I went to the head of HER department with a long and documented list of her behaviors, including classes cancelled, dates of items turned in we hadn't yet heard anything back on, verbatim comments meant to students... and got two of my fellow students to sign off on it.

She had an email from him within 48 hours demanding to know what the hell was going on in her class. She was pissed and continued being snotty, but.... she had to temper some of it, we all got our assignments back and we all passed. Not quite what I wanted re: her behavior, but after a month of dealing with her bullshit, I was willing to accept an option of 'stick this out for a few more weeks, pass, and never interact with this woman again.' (And no, the department head didn't tell her who complained. Retaliation against complaining students will usually get a professor in a lot of trouble, which is why it's important to lodge said complaint before a class ends.)

I'd recommend going to your adviser first. If that doesn't work, kick it over to his department head. And then it goes on up the chain from there, usually to a Dean, the Chancellor, the university President. That reporting chain exists for a reason and things can be escalated if necessary, but except in rare cases, it's generally best to start at the lowest level. Documentation is always helpful, especially if there may be any question at all of you simply complaining about your grade instead of an inappropriate behavior. If you have any contact with your classmates who have similar stories, this will be the biggest help to you. Corroborating your accounts and offering up similar experiences is usually the fastest way to get through to a university administration; when students or staff -- and I have been both -- start banding together and comparing notes, they get nervous.

[Cupcake]

@auspice Are you taking the MasterClass series? I'd like to know because I've floated the idea, and if this is the kind of treatment people get, I'll know I should pass.

[Kanye Qwest]

Fuck a whole lot of having a damaged sciatic nerve.

[Arkandel]

@kanye-qwest Are your doctors/physiotherapists at least trying to figure something out? Sometimes they are just shrugging their shoulders and pushing painkillers/anti-inflammatories over like they're going out of fashion.

[Kanye Qwest]

@arkandel typical opiate painkillers aren't any good for nerve pain, I'm learning. So, they haven't prescribed me anything of the sort. I saw my surgeon yesterday (this stems from a pre-surgical nerve block they gave me) and I just started an anticonvulsant medication they give to epileptics, but it takes time to build up. I'm sitting in my office trying to concentrate enough to work, waiting for a specialist referred by my anaesthesiologist to contact me to talk about actual pain management strategies.

He mentioned an antidepressant that can be used to treat this type of pain, but IDK yet. I'm just trying to get through it. The surgeon says it SHOULD heal over time.

[Sunny]

@kanye-qwest Nerve pain is the worst. I'm sorry.

[Auspice]

@cupcake said in RL Anger:

@auspice Are you taking the MasterClass series? I'd like to know because I've floated the idea, and if this is the kind of treatment people get, I'll know I should pass.

I'm not, no. This is a class with my degree program.

Other than one professor early on who gave me bad grades on stories and his only feedback was 'I didn't like it.' and one who gave me a 0 despite me fixing the issue (we had to build websites and had 24 hours to fix problems; the site host had issues, I got them fixed two hours after she told me, and she still tried to give me a 0).... my teachers have been great. This is the first guy who has driven me to the point of not wanting to even try to learn / work.

[TNP]

@kanye-qwest I don't know anything about your condition so just tossing this out there for you to look into and see if it applies: piriformis syndrome is a thing.

[Deviante]

@kanye-qwest I'm so sorry you're going through this. My mom is currently going to physical therapy for sciatica but the pain is so bad it's really interfering with life.

[Kanye Qwest]

@tnp Thank you (thank everyone for kind words) but mine is from the nerve block that got put in by the back of my knee. All my pain is between my calf and my toes (as well as TO INFINITY AND BEYOND, it feels like).

[Auspice]

I had the flu two weeks ago.
Now I have (what I believe to be) strep.

This is bullshit and my cats are useless at making me tea and soup.

[Auspice]

From my advisor:

"This class is very challenging and <instructor> is known for the brusque manner displayed during your conference. I’ve personally heard from quite a few students with similar experiences, and at the same time there have been a few who expressed an appreciation for the toughness that he does bring to his classes. So, I’ve heard it both ways. At a graduation ceremony I attended some time ago, a Creative Writing graduate related the following… on social media students were vexed and really venting about this Instructor. Someone joined the online conversation who said she now works at a television network and owes her success getting into the industry to <instructor>."

He did provide the details to follow up on a formal complaint, but come on. 'Quite a few students' that he's heard from personally? Just because one person attributes her success to the guy doesn't mean he's doing it right.

[Arkandel]

@auspice No, and it could be one of his favorites. It means little assuming the instructor plays favorites.

[surreality]

@auspice said in RL Anger:

Someone joined the online conversation who said she now works at a television network and owes her success getting into the industry to <instructor>.

...did they verify this was an actual student or a real person? Because it's not like the world hasn't seen sock puppet accounts popping up to do damage control for someone before.

[Auspice]

@surreality said in RL Anger:

@auspice said in RL Anger:

Someone joined the online conversation who said she now works at a television network and owes her success getting into the industry to <instructor>.

...did they verify this was an actual student or a real person? Because it's not like the world hasn't seen sock puppet accounts popping up to do damage control for someone before.

I have no idea, but I wouldn't be surprised.

I'll revisit the idea of a formal complaint in a couple days when I'm not fighting strep.