Feb 6, 2018, 9:27 PM

We're on the registry, too, not that it matters... ever.

I always love the 'we're calling about your car's warranty' -- I don't have a car. No, really, I don't.

'We're calling about your credit card account, this is impo-' 'Which card?' 'Your card!' 'Uh huh. Which card?' <click>

My favorite are the microsoft computer virus scammers, though. We only have macs here. I am a lifelong mac user. I have never once owned a computer that runs on windows. The most recent anything that ran windows in this house was when Spider lived here.

Sadly, I also know how many elderly folk fall for this shit, so I will keep those fuckers on the line for as long as possible now and then, and often enough, they're dumb enough to use the same fake spoofed number on caller ID, so they can be recognized easily. I consider these soulless fuckers my venting stress relief therapy and means of continuing education in improv to keep the skills sharp.

For a while, they were calling multiple times per day, at which point I got tired of their bullshit and when I answered the call, it was with best phone operator voice I could muster:

Me: "Hello, Microsoft Headquarters Wilmington, how may I direct your call?"
Them: <click>

And for months, there was blissful, wondrous silence.