For anyone who might be struggling with the hallmark holiday too
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There are so many reasons why this could be.
I see you.
To those like me who it's been a very painful "holiday" because of a strained or non-existant or acrimonious relationship with your own mother, be kind to yourself tomorrow.
I used to feel ill when looking at cards that I felt like I needed to make/purchase. There's no greeting cards (though in this era maybe there finally is now!) where it says "Sorry I was your biggest disappointment." or "Yeah, sometimes I hate you too, bitch." or "I know that nothing will ever be good enough, but now you can tell your friends you got a mother's day card too, so let's pretend it's a nice one and call it good."
I've been lucky to be able to have kids by choice (not because I felt I needed to, and my biology was cooperative, I realize that is fortune rather than anything else). It's nice to get a homemade thing or to go out to dinner, but I worry about all the kids pressured to do this shit at school who grew up like me, or who had an absent parent. So even then, it's always been a day that's uncomfortable. I don't think my kids should be grateful because I got knocked up or kept them alive. If they don't think about that at all then I'll consider that a success.
So today and tomorrow I'm trying to not to think too much about the person who I'll never be good enough for (they've told me as much for almost a half century now, haven't changed their minds and I assume will not in the future). But for all the people (regardless of gender)--lovers, friends, teachers, kind strangers, mentors--who have been there to help guide me and shape me in a positive way. Especially for those who have shown me that there isn't just one way to be feminine, a woman, or a parent and that I'm okay. Who did not take advantage of vulnerability and instead of attacking were nurturing. Who have definitely helped me learn how to give and receive grace better than I would have otherwise, something that has helped me not to rip up my children like I was ripped up. Some of you are even here, who helped with that and you don't even know it--maybe someday I'll have the courage to tell you.
You don't need a nice, kind, or nurturing mom to be worth a damn, and if yours couldn't see that precious in you, human to human, it was really them that was broken, not you. You are absolutely worthy. And if you've nurtured others, regardless of if it was as a parent, friend, partner, teacher, kind stranger, or mentor--thank you. Especially if you feel like that care and love goes into the void. Not that it doesn't suck if you don't see what happens as a result...but it's not wasted. Thank you.
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My kid broke my heart the other day when he said he hates Mother's Day. His mom is...somewhere, I dunno, but we haven't heard from her in almost six years. This is a very hard holiday for him, so we're making it Grandma Day instead.
️So much love and sympathy for other people in similar situations...just remember that family is what you make it.
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As someone who always finds this holiday profoundly uncomfortable, thank you.
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Oof. Me and the wifey both.
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For all I consider myself religious, I hate going to Church on this day. Being unable to convince in a family centric Church has always been difficult. They gather all women 18 years or older to honor us and it pisses me off. Me mentoring kids, working with kids, being an aunt, or strong role model will NEVER replace that biological failure. I'm almost grateful that the pandemic has kept me out of the building this year and the year before.
I'm not a mother and I have a bubbling pot of anger in my soul when someone tries to lump me in with mothers. I could have adopted or talked my husband around to foster. I haven't. I don't deserve any freaking honor.
(Please note that this isn't directed at the OP and their lovely comments about the role models in their life. This is just me as someone dealing with infertility in a culture where motherhood is considered sacred. )
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@silverfox That does sounds pretty grating. It's also something I never saw in the church my grandparents visited, so I'm curious, is that some kind of denominational thing, or just a thing your specific church does?
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It is very much a Mormon thing. They've got a very strong fixation in their teachings on the importance of bearing children and how the special God-given duty of women is motherhood, which is frankly why most LDS families are so large.
One of the downsides, of course, is a lot of social awkwardness if not outright social ostracism towards women who don't want or can't have kids.
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There are some sects and smaller groups or individual churches in conservative evangelicalism (I was raised in one) and from what I understand also some people who are catholic as well who are taught/believe that motherhood is a woman's purpose and the number of children you have is a sign of how obedient you are to god's will ect.
Though I guess that it is also very much a part of certain aspects of wider culture and religion as well.
I think that teaching people that a woman's prime fulfillment in life is to be a biological mother (or any mother) is gross. Maybe even downright evil. So much suffering and damage has happened because of that way of power and control. But we have a long way to go in setting that aside.
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Thank you for this.
As a very small child in school, I didn't have a mom (Bio mom died before I was 4). Then dad remarried, and well, the first time I still wouldn't make her anything. The first stepmom wasn't anything but hot garbage.
Then when I was in like 3rd grade, dad remarried again. At this point, I was a child desperate for maternal love. I made her all the things. As soon as she was married to my dad, I was calling her mom (with her permission). I thought she was the shiz.
Then she had her own when I was 12, and yeah. I ceased to exist other than a scapegoat. Still I tried, and doubled down on the fucking holiday.
This has been ongoing ever since. Then my dad died, and after a short period of spilling her guts to me often, well, she pretty much ignores me unless she needs something. I haven't spoken to her at all since her mother's funeral in October. I've tried. I've called, sent her a card, and called some more. She ignored thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
I should know better, but I don't. I still called her yesterday. Yesterday being her birthday. If she had called me back, I would have run out and gotten her a card and flowers and driven the hour to bring them to her.
Instead, I got ME some flowers. Because I deserve them too. Fuck it.
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I had a really good relationship with my mom. Yeah we fought but in general, compared to what a lot of people have to deal with...I had it really really good.
She has severe vascular dementia now. I’m on my way to see her. She will know it’s Mother’s Day when I tell her. She will forget before I leave. The woman who raised me isn’t dead, but she is gone and she’s not coming back. I’m still lucky...she still knows who I am and she loves me but it’s still hard to come to grips with.
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And oh hey. My sister just posted a picture of her, my stepmom, and my other sister all together and posing this morning.
Fuck.
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I vote to replace the two days with one day dedicated to family given, made and chosen, and the other dedicated to those who have supported and helped you and others. Important to both is your potential to be both of those things at their best.
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My mom passed when I was 17. 3 Brain tumors and lung cancer. I'm 42 now, and it's easier, but this holiday still stings to this day. Losing your mom as a teenager creates a fuck-ton of unfinished business. Didn't help that I was the middle kid, either.
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@macha said in For anyone who might be struggling with the hallmark holiday too:
And oh hey. My sister just posted a picture of her, my stepmom, and my other sister all together and posing this morning.
Fuck.
My family likes to act like I'm crazy because I decline to pretend that an abusive family member wasn't abusive, and that I'm unreasonable for wanting nothing to do with them now that I'm no longer obligated.
So that's most of my family photos, but I am much happier and healthier opting out.
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@kestrel Good choice.
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@kestrel See, my stepmom was abusive. Still is, in ways. But it was beat into my head family=everything.
I, logically, know better. But she owns the house I grew up in. She has the few things of my dad's that I want, and she keeps promising my sisters to give me.
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This was the exact position I was in for many, many years with my siblings, and it's a horribly lonely place to be. I am really sorry.
But I made my peace with it and eventually the evidence was just too much to ignore, and they each came to face the truth when they were pushed too far. Not trying to say that's bound to happen in your case, but who knows? And if not, you have still absolutely made the right choice. You're not alone and we're proud of you, the whole "blood is thicker than water" bullshit is one of the hardest manipulations to overcome.
