Jun 12, 2020, 5:17 PM
I've been low-key to high-key angry for about two to three weeks now, and like...
I feel better? I feel more focused, more me? It's weird.
Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff
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No. There will be other times. Right now your children are political targets and vulnerable to a deadly disease. Covid-19 is still killing people. Go on the 60th. Your sons will be 11 and 16. They will be safer.
ETA: I'm not a parent, so take this with a mine's worth of salt.
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Stuck in a physical anxiety loop (all physical symptoms without the associated thoughts attached) and absolutely do not have time to go to urgent care to get knocked out of it. Argh.
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I've been low-key to high-key angry for about two to three weeks now, and like...
I feel better? I feel more focused, more me? It's weird.
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I want off the Prednisone, but when I try to taper off, the pain becomes damn near crippling. Like, can't walk from my front door to my car crippling.
I need off the steroid. A - it's not good for long term anyhow. B. As a diabetic, it's baaaad. C. I don't want to gain any more weight.
Dr just doesn't want to think about the next option. Like.. .wTf
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@Selira We ADHD brains focus well in actual crisis. Rage is fuel for the focus engine.
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@Selira Seconding Wretched on this one. Some forms of stress or crisis can force focus. A lot of ADD/ADHD folks are kickass in a crisis as a result, while everyone else is running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
...if only we weren't, you know, the headless chickens the rest of the time, dammit.
I hit this one hard when my gall bladder went to hell. Literally dying, and I was like 'you are going to wake up and we're going to the hospital now, be ready in 15 minutes'. Everyone else, freaking out. Me? Weirdly calm, cooperating with the things that normally freak me out without a ripple.
Like... I normally flip out any time blood needs to be drawn. They had to do so several times a day for two weeks, until I was very literally so out of veins they were having to go for things in the joint of my upper knuckles with my fingers bent down, and they had to run a picc line which is... really just body horror like whoa to me.
Normal me: "OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE".
Crisis me: <snapshot of calm stoicism> -
This isn't just an ADHD thing. I have issues with anxiety. Like, once went out on short-term disability because a cardiologist told me that if the clonopin didn't work, she'd have to put me on beta blockers so I wouldn't have a stress-induced heart attack at thirty level issues with anxiety.
I have had multiple people ask me how I have managed to stay so detached and calm for most of this pandemic. They think I'm kidding when I'm like, "Ohh. The way you're feeling right now? Is how my brain is all the time. The way my brain is all the time? Is designed for dealing with shit like this."
I am really, really good at calmly and sedately conducting risk assessments and contingency planning. I am really, really good at staring a crisis in the face and breaking it down into small, manageable, actionable chunks that will make the Worst Case Scenario measurably better in small but steady ways. It's the in-between where everything is ambiguous, where something bad is looking likely to happen, but we don't when or how severe it's going to be that my brain catastrophizes every goddamn thing and is like "HOLY SHIT, ARIA. We are all going to die AND be homeless AND lose your job AND also, fyi, EVERYONE HATES YOU."
https://whatiswrongwith.me/Mia
There were never any good old days. They are today. They are tomorrow. It's a stupid thing we say, cursing tomorrow with sorrow. -- Gogol Bordello -
I feel like I'm losing against this virus.
I was starting to feel better, sense of smell/taste was coming back.The past couple days I've felt worse. Today my sense of smell/taste are gone again and if I wasn't SO AWAKE mentally I'd be sleeping still even tho I slept until 4.
I desperately want to clean my apartment but I don't even have the energy to shower.
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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@Auspice I hope you feel better soon, Auspie
- He who takes offense when not intended is a fool. He who takes offense when intended is a greater fool.
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@Arkandel said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
@Auspice I hope you feel better soon, Auspie
I hope so, too. Thank you.It's very much an up and down sort of thing. I start feeling better and then it'll just hit me and I have to go lie down for hours.
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Have a weird rash type lesion. Doesn't itch, or scale. Just dark red and oddly textured. Noticed it in late March, not sure when it first showed up. Went to the doctor in April after nothing changed. Got diagnosed with contact dermatitis.
Well, it's been several weeks, and nothing has changed for better or worse. It's still just there. So I guess it's biopsy time. And while I realize at 30 it's likely that I have some contained fungal infection or something going on, the diagnosis of you-know-what keeps running through my head.
Oh, and my father got referred today to a neurologist for an assessment for Parkinson's.
I feel like curling up into a ball and sobbing hysterically for hours.
I feel you on this. I've just been plodding along. On Thursday I finished a month+ long project. On Friday I fell apart at every seam, as seen above. I'm so sorry you're struggling too. I know what it's like. This morning I had a panic attack and had to make an emergency call to my therapist who talked to me for a half hour as the klonopin kicked in.
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The fact that you're getting it checked is the important thing. I went through this a handful of years ago. Just follow up, do the thing.
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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Thanks. I know I'm freaking out over what's most likely nothing, but... scary.
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Update: not cancer. HRT does weird shit. Probably permanent, but since the only symptom is its appearance I don't care.
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@Rinel said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
Update: not cancer. HRT does weird shit. Probably permanent, but since the only symptom is its appearance I don't care.
Not cancer is good news though! And bodies do weird shit in general. Like skin tags. Why even
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@Rinel I have dermatitis issues. Stuff that doesn't heal unaided is pretty normal for me, even if it sucks and made me think I had cancer too.
This stuff can seem like you're permanently fucked, but there's a lot of stuff out there that works pretty damned good for this, it just took me years to even realize what I had in order to find stuff to treat it. But since you know what you've got, don't be afraid to try some creams and shampoos and stuff.
I HIGHLY recommend staying wary of anything with steroids in it though (usually stuff that end in "sone"), even over the counter, as it isn't usually the most sustainably long term treatment. Unless a doctor recommends it of course. But if you know your exact kind of dermatitis, there's plenty of shampoos, soaps, creams, etc, that are fairly harmless to experiment with.
Hope this helps! Feel free to DM me if you want help.
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@Rinel Ohh I have that - HRT brown patch suddenly on my cheek! Very odd but meh
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Yay, not-cancer!
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@HelloProject said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
This stuff can seem like you're permanently fucked
Eh, it's in a spot that's not easily visible and that I don't care about. The doctor recommended some creams and I'll try them but honestly I don't care about a weird discoloration that nobody sees.
ETA: speaking of people not seeing stuff. Swimsuits. While transitioning. Oh my gosh the unrelenting horror
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@Rinel Sadly, I can not upvote you a hug.