Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.

Alamias · Dec 23, 2019, 10:36 PM

@Macha Yay for job offer though!

insomniac7809 · Dec 24, 2019, 1:16 AM

A friendly co-worker had a tragic loss last night.

I want to be clear that I'm not peeving at her, I'm peeving at myself for not being able to figure out what to say about her... I dunno if it's a full "crisis of faith," but definitely "why would this happen, she was such a good person" anxiety along with the grief.

Cheerfully nihilistic existentialism works for me but is incredibly unhelpful as regards comforting rhetoric.

surreality · Dec 24, 2019, 1:26 AM

@insomniac7809 I empathize... a lot. I tend to stumble over a 'the world moves in mysterious ways, and we may never truly know' and hope they figure their deity of choice called them 'home' or somesuch.

ETA: Also a lot of 'it's all right to not know' and 'it's all right to grieve'. These things are sometimes most important for someone to hear, even if it is less immediately comforting than something like 'Jesus wanted another angel' and similar.

Ganymede · Dec 24, 2019, 1:47 AM

@surreality said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

ETA: Also a lot of 'it's all right to not know' and 'it's all right to grieve'. These things are sometimes most important for someone to hear, even if it is less immediately comforting than something like 'Jesus wanted another angel' and similar.

It’s my first Christmas without my cat. It’s my kids’ first Christmas without our cat. They still ask when he’s coming back, and it is all I can do not to cry about it.

Those fucking garbage children, I love them.

surreality · Dec 24, 2019, 1:49 AM

@Ganymede We're in a similar position with one of our kitties, too. (-1, +1) ALL the hugs in the world sent; it's hard enough without having to explain. Especially to kids, dang.

Macha · Dec 24, 2019, 2:32 AM

This is the first holiday season without my dad. We didn't have any sort of family thanksgiving, (or if they did, I wasn't invited).

My stepmother hasn't answered my calls in the last few weeks, so I guess she doesn't give a fuck? One sister says she doesn't want anything, need anything, but if I want to get Nugget something... Other sister told me she doesn't want/need anything, but got me something small so she can save for a downpayment on her own house.

So yeah, my first Christmas without my father, and I'll be spending it alone - Roommates leave tomorrow to go visit her family. I don't know why I expected otherwise.

Auspice · Dec 24, 2019, 2:40 AM

@Macha If you need to chat day-of, feel free to PM me. I'll be home and packing to move all day. I've got nowhere to go / no one to see either.

Roz · Dec 24, 2019, 2:53 AM

@insomniac7809 said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

A friendly co-worker had a tragic loss last night.

I want to be clear that I'm not peeving at her, I'm peeving at myself for not being able to figure out what to say about her... I dunno if it's a full "crisis of faith," but definitely "why would this happen, she was such a good person" anxiety along with the grief.

Cheerfully nihilistic existentialism works for me but is incredibly unhelpful as regards comforting rhetoric.

IME? Just keep it simple. "It's really terrible that X happened to you. I'm so sorry. If you need anything, please let me know." In the end, just feeling like a person is there and sees you in your grief and recognizes it is the important thing. Don't trip over yourself trying to make it perfect; that often ends up with people retreating entirely because they don't know what to say.

Ghost · Dec 24, 2019, 6:58 AM

I remember when my boss's son died unexpectedly none of us knew how to really approach it. My boss is very "college football, hiking, etc" and has that old school man dude energy to him. Like the kind of guy that wouldn't shed a tear over Good Will Hunting, but Rudy? Hed probably cry.

I remember when he first came down the aisle on his first day back. I didn't know what to say, but it ended up pretty well.

I put my hand out, we had one of those clapping shakes, and I said "Anything. We got you." He nodded. I nodded.

On some sort of "men who dont talk about their feelings" level I kinda hope he thought it was good as I think it seemed to resonate.

Auspice · Dec 24, 2019, 1:52 PM

I hate when I reach that point in winter where I feel like I'll never be warm again.

TNP · Dec 24, 2019, 6:42 PM

@Auspice The solstice has passed. The days are growing longer. Rejoice, spring is coming. (Sure, we're still going to have some heavy snowstorms and frigid days but go with it.)

Auspice · Dec 24, 2019, 6:44 PM

@TNP said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Auspice The solstice has passed. The days are growing longer. Rejoice, spring is coming. (Sure, we're still going to have some heavy snowstorms and frigid days but go with it.)

Sadly, January is the worst in TX (it was in SC, too) so I know it's only downhill from here.

The problem is my fibro. RN in the mornings it's around 30F, but by the time I leave work it's up to 70F. I can't 'adapt' because the temperature isn't staying low enough. Instead my body is being thrown back and forth and it's leading to the deep, un-ending chill and a lot of pain.

I just need March. March is when it starts improving for me.

Aria · Dec 25, 2019, 12:29 AM

Re: Grief -

I generally find that one of the worst things people go through other than the pain of the loss itself is no one else knowing how to act around them and/or being weird about it, even though it happens to literally everyone at some point. It feels so horribly isolating, at least to me.

My tactic, rather than trying to use platitudes, is generally just acknowledging how horrible and shitty this is and that it's probably going to be horrible and shitty for awhile -- but that they're not alone, have people that care about them, and can ask for help, even if that help is just unloading if they want to.

Same goes for scary medical diagnoses, bad financial problems, or serious relationship breakdowns. I don't think I've ever once had someone respond badly to that. Most honestly seem relieved to have someone not expect them to pretend to be okay for the sake of public appearances . I've ended up having a serious bonding moment more than once, even with coworkers.

If you are in a position to offer help, I recommend going over and just taking on some mundane task for them so they have one less thing to try to brain about when they're stressed and/or numb. Even when people have the very best of intentions, it can be hard to muster up the mental energy to figure out what needs doing, let alone parcel stuff out.

Roz · Dec 25, 2019, 12:32 AM

@Aria This is all good stuff. It's amazing and heartwrenching how sometimes people struck by horrific tragedies sometimes see their friends disappear -- because those friends "don't know what to say" and so stay away entirely. It didn't happen to me when my brother died, but it did happen to my dad. He lost his son, and then lost some people he thought were good friends. (Fortunately, he also reconnected with some others who stepped up.)

Worrying about the right thing to say is a distraction. The more important thing is showing up.

Aria · Dec 25, 2019, 12:42 AM

@Roz Ding. A lot of my friends know that I am a horrible flake and will arrive to everything under the sun at least 15 minutes late, with some not-chilled wine or some I-barely-wrapped-this-in-the-car present, maybe a store bought whatever the thing is supposed to be for a fancy dinner, with the big accomplishment being that I put real pants on and came at all...

Until the shit hits the fan, at which point at least one of my friends has turned my (real) name into a verb. "Just let Aria come over and Aria all over everything." Suddenly they have groceries delivered to their doorstep, or a room in their house packed, or their errands run, or their dishes washed, or their paperwork sorted. I am the the friend you call when you're suddenly single and homeless or need someone to drive you home from the hospital.

Just show up. Even if it's weird and hard and sad for you, it's way worse for them.

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It's probably been a long time, but holidays always suck for that even when it has been. I hope your friends and family are good to you until there's sunshine and flowers again.

Auspice · Dec 25, 2019, 12:50 AM

@Aria come help me pack my kitchen? It's the overwhelming thing rn.

Aria · Dec 25, 2019, 12:54 AM

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Aria come help me pack my kitchen? It's the overwhelming thing rn.

...I actually did once fly to South Carolina to help said aforementioned single and homeless friend move once he found a place. I scrounged a buncha pennies on my plane ticket and used it to take him thrift store shopping for things for his kitchen.

But I sadly need, like, more than a few days' notice. You want me to see if there's some dumb college kids on Craiglist that'll lift heavy things for money for you?

Auspice · Dec 25, 2019, 12:57 AM

@Aria said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Auspice said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@Aria come help me pack my kitchen? It's the overwhelming thing rn.

...I actually did once fly to South Carolina to help said aforementioned single and homeless friend move once he found a place. I scrounged a buncha pennies on my plane ticket and used it to take him thrift store shopping for things for his kitchen.

But I sadly need, like, more than a few days' notice. You want me to see if there's some dumb college kids on Craiglist that'll lift heavy things for money for you?

I've got 2 people who are 'maybes' on helping on Saturday. Honestly, I THINK I can manage everything except my dresser, bed, and desk. and I might even be able to manage the desk.

If I was moving into a 1st floor place it'd be just the bed, but I opted for a 2nd floor because a) they're totally screened in so I could sit on the balcony and let my kitty hang out with me, and b) people are always throwing trash into my patio at my current place (seriously who the fuck does that) and I don't want that anymore.

Macha · Dec 25, 2019, 1:04 AM

My roommates left earlier today. I have everything for a little Christmas dinner for myself.

I called my sister - knowing she has to work tomorrow- and she answered. She, my other sister (and Nugget), stepmother, and stepgrandmother, and the normal crew, had a get together tonight.

It was a family thing - but I guess I'm not part of the family, anymore.

Deleted · Dec 25, 2019, 4:08 AM

@Macha Misery loves company, so here's my situation:

I had to visit my family today, Christmas Eve, and leave early tomorrow morning so my mom can lie to my sister and say I wasn't here. Otherwise she throws a shitfit.

I haven't been allowed to attend a family holiday for almost three years now. So I sympathize with you,