@paris
Oh I know I'm suffering. I don't lash out when I'm not suffering. Sometimes that suffering is the pressure of people on a game casting me in a bad light and not helping me out. (Not that it's their responsibility, but it just makes it worse.)
This is why I beat myself up. I know when I'm a shit-heel. I'm not smart enough to know why it happens, not aware enough to know how to stop it. It's like asking a shy person to stop being shy. I'm sure that cripplingly shy people know they are cripplingly shy. This is not a revelation. But you don't tell someone who's shy that they're not being shunned, it's 100% them, because instead you have sympathy for them, understanding.
This is why I've been mocking the dogpile. I know my anger, and I try to use it for good. I try to help people who are stuck. (And feel silly when the dogpile is right.) When I derail threads with "NO U!!!" or "Yeah, you guys", it's because the person I'm mocking is trying to stifle conversation.
In my older age I'm realizing how much of my life has been suffering from myself. But is this going to help if I tell you? Or KQ? No. In fact, the main criticism from SL staff was that I was putting this on them. This was not intended, and not desired, but because Spirit Lake is made in part of Arx insiders, that this is how the Arxers see me now isn't a surprise.
My unreasonable pain, my occasional spazzing, my Year of the Dog loyalty, my fighting for understanding, for open and honest communication, these are things that are up to people I know to either come to accept or not.
None of this makes it okay, but it's very, very human.