Out of the blue, a person from my past came up. Not because the person I was talking to knew them personally, but because this person from my past is now a wildly successful author.
That feeling that followed was intense, because it did not just bring back that sullen, resentful acknowledgement that this person did me wrong (They sort of did, but it was by nature of being an egotistical nightmare who happened to fit the exact type of person who could run rampant over my damaged self, so.) is reaping the rewards of being successful on a level that I don't consider realistic. Like, Hugo award winning, NYT best selling, writing for Spider Gwen and XMen level. It's one of those moments where the world feels unbelievably unfair.
But hot on the heels of that sort of resentment and whinging comes the slow realization that it isn't really their success that sticks in my craw the worst. It's the fact that I know I was the worst version of myself around them. That when they broke me, I became someone that acted in ways I find spectacularly shameful. I lashed out. I was cruel, I was deliberately hurtful. And that is what makes me cringe every time I hear their name. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still appalled that someone who is such a jerk managed to become a huge success. That's just karmic bullshit right there.
I dunno. In the wake of this, I just feel... lost, I guess. I don't know how to really reconcile the fact that I know I behaved badly with the fact that I still have anger about how I perceive that I was treated. I mean, I'm not beating myself up over it, but it still makes me feel hollow and kinda sick when I think about the whole thing.
Plus it sucks that I can't read Spider Gwen because I refuse to contribute to their continued success. Stupid, maybe. Well. Definitely.
Times like this I feel like a really shitty person.
