Best posts made by kk

My real life has been difficult.

I am in tele-health and have been fielding calls from relatives who's family have covid or are in facilities with outbreaks in addition to normal stuff I do. It has been emotional and difficult. Despite that I am very honored to help however that I can and I do feel some guilt for not looking for an in person job.

One of my roommates is always exposed as they are essential and still working. They are doing the right thing and I am proud of them, but it does mean that our household is never out of the woods in terms of exposure.

My son has special needs and is home from school. He is a sweetheart, but teaching a hyper child with autism and ADD from home while working tons of hours, has been a challenge. I have renewed appreciation for his teachers. The online learning platform is not ideal for him. I have had a long running fear of what will become of him if something happens to me and this current crisis has really brought those fears to the forefront, but day by day the fears are getting better and life is going on.

There has been an outbreak in my neighborhood, but my neighbors on the mend. I didn't get sick and nobody in my house did, despite pretty intense exposure. We are actually thinking we might have already had Covid as we got a super flu in Feb that knocked me out like no sickness ever has before with high fevers and shortness of breath.

I would love an anti-body test, but need to be patient for those.

I have friends and family on the front lines and due a combination of supply issues and just not caring enough about little people on the part of their management, they don't have the supplies they need. So I have been spending time and money on getting these supplies and making my home made lysol, which smells like peppermint and probably works better anyways. I feel like in this way, I am helping my friends and family it through, but also my community as they are using to sanatize as they go about their way which can only help.

A friend of mine did pass of Covid. They had serious chronic health problems, but their passing is still...well I cannot put my feelings into words on this.

I feel blessed that I have not go sick despite having auto-immune disease and that my sister with autoimmune disease as well is doing well. I feel blessed to have my son with me and blessed that he is smiling and happy despite it all. I am also blessed to have an income through this all.

But it still has been stressful. I had some struggles trying to come back to Arx and realized I wasn't ready for a full return. That being said, I appreciate the Arx community and some of my friendships found there have got very real. My return will be slow, ic_only for now and probably focused on smaller scenes. It is nice to know that Arx and my characters are still there and I do appreciate that staff is very patient and understanding about real life.

That being said there is much that is wonderful about the mush community and in times of crisis, I appreciate the friends I made even more.I hope everyone stays safe and I think this pandemdic is hard on different people in different ways.

I think one of the most common (and global game effecting) toxic factors on mushes is when a large group with power/influence starts to defend things as being the terf/right etc of people within such group or on good terms with such group and starts to /other/ people who are not liked by the group or who are outside the group. The othering can come with being blacklisted/stonewalled/bullied and etc.

This can include thinking that certain ic positions, titles, plots and etc belong to certain players and that other players should not have access to them and if they do have access or pursue such they are somehow taking from the players who deserve such more.

Once someone talked on a public channel about wanting their character to be a demon hunter and was immediately jumped on by people going no that this the domain of so and so and it would be ooc wrong of you to ic pursue to that because that plot is the property of so and so. The person jumping on this person had great influence on the game and the person they said demon hunting should be reserved for was their good ooc friend was in with their powerful group. The person who was saying they would like to pursue being a demon hunter was outside the group and not liked by the powerful people on the game. I have seen this time and time again. If someone in their group had said they wanted pursue that the response would probably would have been completely different.

That plot belongs to so and so.
There are limited people I can take, so I will take five characters played by my ooc friends.
They don't deserve such because they are too new, didn't work as hard and etc.
If you take my character on this, I will have my alt bring your character on their next thing.
So and so might feel hurt and quit the game if they don't get such and such. You pursuing such and such plot line is wrong and hurting that person ooc.
Everyone thinks this plot should belong to such and such.
Everyone will dislike you if you run for such and such title.
Oh your character has violet eyes and white hair like mine? Clearly you are copying so and so in our group and its not right.
We don't need a healer xyz is already the healer and they been around longer than you. In fact you are ass for even making a healer in the first place.

Etc, etc.

Generally the people reserving things for their group sincerely believe they are doing a good thing. They see how hard their friends work for things. They feel like /others/ are stepping on toes. They look at rp and plot as limited rather than expansive. As someone else getting involved will take away a slot from one of their friends, not as in roleplay and increased involvement of others creating more rp and story for the game at large.

One person being insecure and defensive about their plot can be annoying, but generally doesn't wreck a game. However I noticed that some mushers can be even more intense in their plot-hording, bullying and etc when they feel something is being taken from the friend than from themselves. Sometimes people can get very intense and passionate when defending friends. A group of people who are defensive about things belonging in group can be seriously damaging to a game, especially if they are playing multiple high powered characters with positions across spheres/factions/house etc. It can be this way even if staff are decent.

I am not sure what the answer is, but I think limiting people to one alt with a big title could help reduce one group dominating the powerful positions. I also think that rewards for bringing different players who are outside one's group into plots/scents etc could be helpful. I also that allowing a character to be close/allies with only one alt per player. So it is not like all the alts of players in a certain ooc group are allies with all the alts of the those same players and etc. And I think that people should be limited to have one alt hate/dislike/go against a certain character. To help prevent the this group doesn't like me ooc so all their alts are jerks to me effect.

But then I think that awareness helps too. For people to be aware of this and not surrender to a powerful group, but at same time to keep their cool and calm.

And then another thing has me stressed is the vaccinaed vs unvacccinated.

Again don't want to get into the right/left politics if possible.

But there are people going...oh we should not give medical care to anyone who isn't vaccinated. I am no we should give medical care to everyone who needs it. And there are people cheering when unvaccinated people die. And I feel like cheering on people dieing and suffering is messed up.

Then on the other side, I have people going the vaccine is a weapon of genocide and you are all going to die and should quit your jobs before you take it. And when they here someone vaccinated is sick, they are cheering it on. It feel ill that people are wanting the vaccinated to die in order to prove a point.

And it is making me so so anxious and depressed to hear this. I don't think its right to cheer about anyone getting sick with covid and suffering, regardless of their vaccine status.

The world is broken.

I do like places code on games as it allows one to have private rp while in a larger scene and to still be part of that scene. It also can increase a build without increasing the number rooms. Such as one can have a place that is a a kitchen as part of a house build and etc.

Playing on liberation recently without places which is something I am not used to has given me more a look at the pluses of no places and there is one really big plus.

It can lead to a more social everyone is welcome to pose and participate in the roleplaying happening kind of setting. This words best when in small to moderate sized scenes, but in really large scenes I think the cutting back on spam is more valuable.

Liberation does have a spotlight system where one can make a scene on the grid private. Yellow scenes are can join if invited and they can see your ooc talk. Red scenes are invite only and they cannot see your ooc talk. One is allowed to ask to join a yellow scene, but cannot ask to join a red scene.

This works pretty well although I am def way too shy to ask to join a yellow scene and if I see people are in a yellow scene I just walk on by and don't bother to ask!

I like the spotlight system and I admit that times no places has encouraged rp, but still I would like places especially for big scenes.

Should we deny care to an African American woman who refused the vaccine because her grandfather was medically experimented on by the medical system? And who truly believes that the vaccine itself might be hurting her community and that she did the righ thting by denying such? Some believe the vaccine spreads covid reather than the other way around and they really believe that.

There are a few communities who are refusing the vaccine and the fear in these communities is a very real thing.

/Let them die/ and similar statements said by people who are educated and so forth to communities who are less educated is not going to do much to encourage others to take the vaccine, if anything that kind of lang encourages doubling down on the issues and enhances the fear.

@kk

I have seen people pose things like the littlest blonde smiles, the biggest guy in the room grins, she has the kindest smile ever, her eyes are the brightest shade of blue one has ever seen

And I am like just stop hehe...

And even seen such result in ooc arguments into the room. Someone poses they the most tiny and the next person is like oh, yeah my character is only 4'7 so there! Or the opposite someone poses they are tallest present and then two peeps are comparing character heights like they are measuring their dicks.

@arkandel

There is a lot that I don't know about this situation.

What I do know is that I am do not consider saying let them die and so forth to be acceptable.

What I do know is that I am not going to deny anyone care.

What policly should be and so forth is over my head, but the hateful language on both sides is stressing me out badly and I don't think it does anything to help fix things.

Tomato harvest time. My tomatos grew so many and good, been making sauce and giving away veggies cause too much to eat! Its just a portion, my backyard is like a crazy food forest and neighbors been eating out of it too with my permission of course. There are some other stuff in the pictures, like brussel sprouts and squash and peppers, was growing lots of things. Most of the tomatos are heirlooms too.

The best thing is I got this great soil that I worked hard on - but I got so busy and my plants thrived without much attention.

Now I am composting the old plants so that next year, I have the bestest soil and I am seed saving and should be able to garden for basically free. So excited at how it all went. I am like an expert tomato farmer.

I am attemping to cut down my hours a bit to deal more with real life. We will see how it goes, because, I will work in absolute emergenices and the like. But my goal is only work between 40-60 hours a week and never go over 60. We will see, wish me luck!

I have had serious lot of help from other mushers when it comes to understanding things and I appreciate it. Some of that help even came recently from a MSB regular. Some of the social advice I got from mushers, I applied to real life, sometimes even with good results!

Despite a childhood dx of autism, it is questionable if I am typically autistic or truly autistic, whatever that means...hehe.
But I say this just to be clear, that whatever I say is not representative of autism in general, it is just my thoughts.

I have a few thoughts about communicating on the spectrum while mushing though....

One is that everyone has problems and my problems are not necessarily any worse and they are not any more valid. Someone might be struggling because they are mushing through chronic pain. That might be as hard or harder than mushing with autism.

Nobody owes anyone time/attention and etc. When people help to explain things, it is a gift nto to be taken for granted. It is not something that anyone is obligated in.

And everyone on a mush should be self responsible for their own behavior regardless of their situation or dx. If one cannot be self responsible because their situation is too serious, they shouldn't be mushing.

But.....some possible advice its hard to communicate on a game or on msb! (This is far from expert advice, warning!)

-Log off and take a break if things are confushing. Come back after a bath and after some Netflix with a clear head. Stop posting on MSB if it feels like everyone is attacking and it is hard to undrstand why.

-It is okay to ask people what they intended if one is confused. I do it alot and it clears a lot up and I find it is better than just misunderstanding and making a mess of things. However.......nobody owes an answer to that question and if someone doesn't want to talk that needs to be respected.

-If one is jumping to feeling emotional and defensive and attacked, things are more likely to be viewed through disorted lenses, that is a good time to take a break or be careful how one responds.

-if you go icly only on a game and don't babble lot oocly there is less ooc drama and less chance things will be taken out of context.

-Gams should always be fun! But mushes can fun and a learning experience in how people think. But when things are not fun, it is time to log out.

Starting to feel a little better. Not 100 percent again. I think partly why I got sick with Omicron despite vaccines and past covid, was overworked, stressed and very high viral load.

Mostly right now I have intense exhaustion, headaches and low grade fevers - but I seem be turning a corner from the worse of it.

I decided that I am taking a little time off work, until I am def off isolation, but also until I feel okay. It will probably come to taking about week off.

It is not ideal and my work will not be happy with that, but I have been with them loyally through the whole pandemic. I was in tears of exhaustion when they called me in and then when they like you are positive, but keep working. I was like.....I had a moment where I was like about to totally break down.

I feel like in order to keep going and in order to be a strong nurse for my patients, I need to rest and get these headaches under control. But I do feel a little bad, because I care about my patients and want to be there for them.

Also is sort of weak, but I have almost PTSD from earlier covid wave and while this one did go better for us in terms of the availability of PPE, survival rate of our patients, illness being much more mild.

There was a psychological reaction to me in finding out as I could barely continue and stand exhaustion, was positive. Like okay it is not only that I worked myself to that point.

And then memories of going down mid shift and ending in the Hospital. I was like, no I can't...work through it, I'm afraid too that I will work until I almost die again and that is partly why I need to rest too. For the mental effect of me going, I was able to take care of myself too, like other people can when they get sick.

Our culture sometimes allows for everyone, but Nurses to rest and take care of themselves when sick.

Since I have talked a lot about my life, I will give a little update.

I am past Omicron and back at work. I am not 100 percent better though. While I got less sick from Omicron than early wave covid, the long term effects seem to be lingering longer. That being said I am not totally sure how much is Omicron and how much is just fatigue in dealing with the Pandemic or even a more pysch reaction to to all. I don't know. I probably have covid PTSD and covid fatigue.

I have been super fatigued and have covid brain fog (which is better than it was) as someone born with developmental issues, it seems to have set me back a bit. That being said each day seems a little better and I have hope that I will get back my pre covid baseline.

Some rpers have been so patient with goofy brain fog poses and I appreciate that.

That I am back at work and getting through my days speaks volumes for doing better. My energy and charting at work both been very very hard - days are difficult to make it through in a way they weren't before.

That being said I work 12-17 hour shifts and that I used to be able to back to back 17 hour shifts was some epic stamina, so maybe I am just being normal that I am exhausted, idk! But its not normal for me.

The outbreak at my work is passing us by. We lost some patients, all staff and most patients survived this outbreak. I am heartbroken over some of our loses in Omicron and earlier waves, but cannot really speak about that.

I am hopefully that maybe we have immunity to Omicron 2 and will be good for a while.

We got some strong travelers and a new staffer who is absolutely bad ass when it comes to recruiting. Despite the intense nursing shortage we are doing much better at getting in staff. He is a rock star and lure people in from all over the country, some real rock stars and warriors. I feel less alone in our battle there.

Do to my extreme exhaustion and our increased staffing, I am cutting hours down to 3-4 days a week and taking at least 3 days off every week.

I can rp some now and even been in the mood to play some! Been having an absolute blast at Liberation mush and really enjoyed my scene the other night on Arx ran by Scraps. I appreciate the people who run Liberation and Arx, giving us places to play.

It is kind of day by day at this point.

I super appreciate all the people in mushing and on MSB, who have been supportive ooc during my covid journey, listening to my posts here and some who listened to my ooc covid trauma. Some who don't even like me much, been super kind.

We have some negative things about mushing communities, but there are some wonderful things as well and even when I didn't play much - mushers were super supportive to me through this all.

I like MSB sometimes as a safe place to talk about real life, it is sort of yelling into the void and might be read and might not read, but sometimes that is just what needs. It is is a bit like journaling.

Tomorrow, I am back to the battlefield - need to get through my 3-4 days straight depending on if I get called in and a little nervous, cause my energy sucks, but well I will do my best, its all we can do, our best.

@Ghost

Mexican coke in a glass bottle is the best.

Was physically assaulted and mildly injured at work yesterday. It is a pretty normal thing in nursing, especially in my specific area of nursing. It is not the first time, it won't be the last time.

But I am a little in a burn out phase of nursing and getting the shit beat out (but I am okay, to be clear on that) of me didn't really help..

Thinking more and more that it is time to move on. That the leaders at my job are not doing enough (or anything at all) to keep nursing staff safe and they couldn't give af at the corporate level. I could easily make $20+ more an hour and probably in less dangerous settings and work my hours around some up coming things I need to be there for this summer.

On the other hand - I have this intense sense of loyalty toward my patients and place of work that makes it hard for me to leave, especially since some of them I nursed through covid twice and since I almost died in the battle. There is this..its hard to explain almost war time loyalty! Like we are in the trenches together, we almost died together, some didn't make it.

Then again I am only one of few still in this trench. We got have no nursing management that was there in early covid and we have only 5 floor nurses including myself who are the same.

We got only 2 nurse managers one started yesterday. We are staffed by about 90 percent agency staff who work day by day.

I am like should I really stay in this trench alone, on a sinking ship at this point?

And the answer is, I don't know.

Not sure that there is many gardeners on MSB, but you never know!

But this year gardening where I am is crazy crazy. We are at 90 degree heat despite it being 2 weeks before alleged last frost, in a drought and already have red flag fire days. I think we are going to have an intensely hot summer.

I have some spring cool weather crops going, thankfully in the shade!

But his year 2 weeks before last frost and I am going right to warm season crops and wondering if It will get toooo warm for things like tomatoes!

I think I am going to hyper focus on the hot weather plants that normally are more suited to hotter areas.

And I want to focus on food crops as I am worried about food shortages or even just rising food costs.

So I am hyper focusing on

Peppers, Tomatoes, Potatoes, Summer Squash, Winter Squash, beans, etc.

And then of course herbs which many can double as medicines and at this rate, I am not sure they will not be a medicine shortage. I got tons and tons of oregano going much came back from last year - which is anti-viral, because at this rate one never knows.

@devrex

It is a lot of work ,but good work that de-stresses and gets me outside. That isn't even all of it, its a crazy epic undertaking. Most is from seed.

I got three giant raised beds made of old wood someone was giving away, then I got a garden by the fence for pole beans and stuff to grow up the fence which is lined in cinder blocks and in the blocks are herbs planted. Then I got a shade in ground garden behind the raised beds. And I got another garden along another fence that I am doing the three sisters on. I have a smaller raised bed with a bean trellis that I don't think I got in the pictures. I have a container garden in front.

When I get time..we will see if it happens for reals!

I am will plant on the side of the house and out in the public owned alleyway hehe. People do that here for corn and stuff. Then I have all this stone and want to build some new raised beds, but it is a lot of work and I work a lot. I collected the stone from peeps who didn't want it for free, since stone and stuff is so expensive, but I got mixmatched stone around my yard in wild profusion, allegedly going to be part of future projects. If I lived an HOA I would be kicked out.

I am harvesting from it daily now - and getting daily veggies! Right now just cool weather things like radishes, peas (I planted so many peas I had to buy seeds from farm supply cause the little packets wouldn't cut it!), lettuce, spinach, brocolli it.

I planted so many peas to help renew the soil for whatever I put there next, but I got like wild tangles of peas

Then I sort of hate to weed and I have lots of plants that reseeded from last year and I massive intrecrop, so it is total chaos but more food productive than the more orderly gardens.

It is organic and I do pest control with companion planting and etc, so the chaos actually helps it, confuses the pests and mixes up the plants.

Sometimes when people say /everyone/ hates you or they all secretly hate you and etc, they are trying to stir up drama for their on reasons and benefit.

I wouldn't trust a third party going everyone hates you or they all hate you or this person secretly hates you. First of all it might not be true or it could be only partly true. They might be trying to stir up trouble and spark a drama between two people.

Yeah, I just read in the news the antibodies tests are wrong half the time. And I did pester my insurance further and a got rather formal response that the FDA has not approved the test for determining who has had Covid or not, but only for research.

Still if I got the test and had antibodies, it would have been a comforting reassurance to have. Then again false reassurances can be dangerous. I would have been still very careful about infection control, but it is habit for me, even before Covid.

I think I will give up on the test for now and revisit the antibody test later.

Than you all for the thoughtful input. MSB is a deep thinking and intelligent group.

To tell npcs and pcs apart, I go with what staff says they are.

Sometimes staff says this character is an npc or this character is a pc. If staff says it is their pc, I am like the character is a pc. If they say the character is an npc, I am like oh the character is an npc.

I never had staff lie to me about that, but I guess it could happen!

Pcs=Player characters - Characters that have coded a bit and follow the rules of character generation for pcs and who when a staffer is playing them they are not playing as a staffer, but are playing as a player enjoying the game. They are off duty so to speak.

Npcs without coded bits=Whoever we pose into a scene as players or staff who are not coded character bits. All the extras we pose into plot are npcs.

Npcs with coded bits=Are repeat returning characters played by staff (or a player granted control over them by staff) when they are acting as a staffer (or on staff's behalf) rather than as a player.

They may not have followed the rules of standard pc generation and they generally (but not always) are there to promote pcs, advance plot, highlight theme, fill leadership gaps and enhance the over all game story. They are on duty so to speak (but are hopefully still haing a fun time!)