RL Sads
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Another one of my clients died last month, but was not found until last week. He was elderly and lived alone. Feeling really sad.
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Is it weird that the dying seems somehow less awful than the weeks spent undiscovered?
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@GreenFlashlight said in RL Sads:
Is it weird that the dying seems somehow less awful than the weeks spent undiscovered?
One of the things we lose in death is dignity. We can't ensure how we are seen by others or in what state we are found.
One of my friends can (now, years later) laugh about how his father passed away. It was in the spare bathroom where he had a stroke then fell forward, blocking the door, so their family couldn't get to him.
Death takes more than life.
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@mietze I'm really sorry. This happened with one of my patients and just knowing he was alone for those last minutes, and lived a life that was so alone that nobody knew for a week was ... very upsetting is an understatement but words are hard.
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@mietze I'm really sorry. This happened with one of my patients and just knowing he was alone for those last minutes, and lived a life that was so alone that nobody knew for a week was ... very upsetting is an understatement but words are hard.
I have an uncle whose health is not good; he's on dialysis and thus has to go to a hospital fairly constantly. He lives alone, about forty minutes away from me. He and I are... let's say "diametrically opposed" on most political opinions, but we share a love of photography and engineering, so I usually have common ground to talk to him.
I have not heard from him in about two weeks, despite leaving a couple of phone messages.
Now, it's not unusual for him to turtle up and not talk to anyone; he's something of an introverted grump in recent years and bad about returning calls, even though he also gets more grumpy when he's isolated and cut off. So it's not uncommon for me to have to take a week and a half or so to get in touch with him if he's in a Mood because dialysis is being rough.
But given everything that's been going on, the frequency of his necessary hospital visits for dialysis, and everything else—including that I already lost my great-uncle to COVID-19 last month—I cannot help but worry.
And unfortunately, I don't really have any legal grounds to try to call around and check places easily; he's not actually my uncle by blood. He was a student of my grandmother's, and she had a "if your home life is abusive, I will help if I can" policy; his home life was abusive, she let him crash in her guest room, and he sort of never really left the family afterwards. (To a point that I think I was 12 or 13 or 14 before I learned he wasn't actually mom's older brother.) But as he was never formally adopted or anything we don't technically count as family for purposes of like, inquiring at the hospital where he does dialysis or anything.
For all that I'm stressed and dreading possible outcomes here, I can only imagine it's far worse to have the definitive answer that yes, someone did pass away, and did so alone and without anyone there. My sympathies to both @JinShei and @mietze; I expect that is a really awful feeling.
a.k.a. Packetdancer (or "Pax" for short)
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@JinShei said in RL Sads:
And unfortunately, I don't really have any legal grounds to try to call around and check places easily; he's not actually my uncle by blood.I have relatives like that - I just say sister, nephew, and so on. You can call around anyhow - people give me info about my nephew most of the time - he is an addict and homeless so often we are looking for the next place he has ended up (currently in the hospital).
For all that I'm stressed and dreading possible outcomes here, I can only imagine it's far worse to have the definitive answer that yes, someone did pass away, and did so alone and without anyone there. My sympathies to both @JinShei and @mietze; I expect that is a really awful feeling.
For me, the worst bit was that I phoned him the week before and if there were signs, I missed them. I went over and over my notes and I still will never know. Coroner reassured me that there could have been no signs but... I also know he was able to out-stubborn me and would have stayed there anyhow so...
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@Sparks I dont know if this will help but you do not need to be related to ask for a wellness check.
I have done that before, both for a neighbor and a client. You don't get info back necessarily, depending but at least they will take the call (this was the county sheriff's dept in my case).
It is hard, because you do not want to piss people off. But I think right now it's understandable. I really hope you hear from him soon. I know that worry, and it really sucks.
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Had a slight breakdown last night and drove what I feel is an even bigger wedge between me and some of my friends. New friends even! I'm so good at this, damn. I'm thankful that the people who have known me for a long time think I'm worthwhile enough to stick around when I'm at my worst.
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@SilentHills Hi! I know the feeling! It sucks, but this too will pass. It's been hard on a lot of people. Im not sure if anyone has been excluded. I've learned a lot during 2020, so no worries! About myself included. We all aren't so pretty! If you need an ear, you can yell at me me if you want.
To sum up the year so far..
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I think I'm starting another spiral downward. Wish me luck.
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@Admiral said in RL Sads:
I think I'm starting another spiral downward. Wish me luck.
Luck wished! Buy lots of chocolate and/or other comfort food too. A little waistline is better than a lot of sad.
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I am just going to leave this here to sum up my feelings on this year.
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Close my emails to get away from all the Father's Day sale crap in my inbox. Try watching my food network for some mindless binging - turn that off after the commercials start gnawing.
Turn on a character's spotify playlist to work on something for said character -
Hailee Steinfeld comes on. - Gods damn it. One of the last conversations my dad and I had, was watching TV in his hospital room on Christmas, when a commercial for Bumblebee came on.Dad: " I know she's young, but she's hot."
Me: "Agreed. Talented, too."
Dad: "...I will never get used to the fact I can look at chicks with you, but you're not a lesbian."
Me: "Love you too, Dad."(ETA: My father, despite having caught me in various acts with various boyfriends/FWB over the years, for a while was convinced I was a lesbian, because I like women, too. It took him... oh, 15 years to grasp that I liked both.)
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@Macha I am so sorry. It is so very hard.
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@JinShei And I can't go see my siblings, and I can't go to the places I feel close to him. I'm feeling very alone in my grief, and that just makes it worse.
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@Macha tomorrow, it is my step-dad's birthday, the first one since his death. We can't go and hug my mother. This is just so fucking hard. I feel it, mate
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@JinShei And so I'm reading a groupon email. And they have 'Dad' shirts. And I'm almost crying now, because there's a perfect one. "They call me Dad because 'Partner in Crime' makes me sound like a bad influence." - My dad would have loved that shirt and rocked it hard core.
I'm just angry at my stepmother. She asked the kids about how we wanted to handle his ashes. We all agreed to spread half on my mother's grave with her, and then my stepmother could have the other half to have buried with her when she goes. - She backed out and didn't do it. So I can't even go 'visit' him at my mom's grave, either.
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@Macha Honestly? Go there and visit him anyway. He is where you are, and if there is any afterlife, why would he not be there? Buy the shirt anyhow. Turn it in to a pillow. Hug it. Mourn, mate.
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I'm sitting in a dentist's chair as I type this
Pray for me.
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