RL Anger

[Roz]

I started a thread in the Politics forum.

[surreality]

Thank you, @Roz.

[Auspice]

I've been hugely stressed out this week and next week, I fly out to spend two weeks in SC. Primarily with my family.

With my fundamentalist Christian, right-wing parents. My siblings who follow them... except for one, who, sadly, is one of those rare "I think I should get everything for free" dumbasses.

I wish I could cancel the trip, but my mother has spent the past year wanting to see me and at the end of the visit, I come home with my cat. I just keep telling myself that it'll all be worth it to have my fuzzball, but some days it's really difficult.

[TNP]

@Auspice Just tell them point blank: no politics. If anyone even mentions the T word, you'll reschedule to leave the next day.

[WTFE]

Then follow through. That's the important step people forget when drawing boundaries.

[Auspice]

I'm trying to be hopeful that it won't be too bad. Usually, during election years, my father is sending me a lot of articles, etc... this year there's been nothing.

If anything, my brother will be the problem. I already had to cut off any digital contact with him this past summer. Him, I can be more firm with without getting guilt-tripped. He also may not be on the 'spending Thanksgiving at a resort with family' part of the trip (he got himself banned from most family trips a handful of years ago).

[ThatGuyThere]

@Auspice said in RL Anger:
The trick is to become immune to guilt trips, this is hard but possible.
Of course I think I had the advantage of my large Catholic family in this regard they over used guilt so much that by the time I was 18 it has ceased to work on me. granted my mom still tries now and then but I think she has realized that trying to guilt trip me leas to me ignoring her position all together.

[Auspice]

@ThatGuyThere said in RL Anger:

@Auspice said in RL Anger:
The trick is to become immune to guilt trips, this is hard but possible.
Of course I think I had the advantage of my large Catholic family in this regard they over used guilt so much that by the time I was 18 it has ceased to work on me. granted my mom still tries now and then but I think she has realized that trying to guilt trip me leas to me ignoring her position all together.

I've been trying. One of the things my therapist and I have been working on is my tendency to take the blame for everything. So guilt trips work... too well on me. And it's so damnably hard not to revert to the shittiness when around a family that basically wallows in it.

I love my parents because they have the capacity to be good people. I get along with 2 of my 4 siblings. But the other 2 are just horrendous and my parents can slip into being just as bad.

While I'm almost entirely caught up on my stuff for school this month, I may play up the need to do assignments more - just so I have a ready excuse to dip away into another room.

[Ganymede]

@Auspice said in RL Anger:

I've been trying. One of the things my therapist and I have been working on is my tendency to take the blame for everything. So guilt trips work... too well on me. And it's so damnably hard not to revert to the shittiness when around a family that basically wallows in it.

I take the blame for a lot of things I shouldn't, but I don't get guilt-tripped easily. A personality index once told me that my "compliance" score was off the charts -- in the negative.

[surreality]

Having to deal with my parents today, that... is filling me with a similar dread to @Auspice's. That mine like to blackmail and strongarm me about shit to force compliance (@Ganymede, I need to take some notes... ) with their views (which they have had almost no luck with since I was 8, hence the strongarm bullshit) is not something I am much looking forward to.

When my husband has to run an errand with my mother and tell her in the strongest terms that political matters are not to be discussed and to pass this along to my father, you know it's not good.

I am going to get yelled at for unfriending her cheerfully gloating ass on FB over dinner, and to put it bluntly, she is well aware that her daughter is a survivor of rape and multiple sexual assaults who has been extremely fucked up by the events of this election cycle and what it potentially means for those of us who have gone through this in our lives. "Hold your nose and vote the party line" is forgivable, understandable. Cheerful gloating and wholesale dismissal of any concerns with a cheerful laugh and a flippant wave of her hand... it is going to be a very long time before I can look at my mother again without feelings of utter disgust.

As it stands, I have to hear about how godly she imagines herself to be on a disturbingly regular basis, which is typically eye-roll-inspiring. Until I calm the fuck down a little -- which is likely to be a matter of weeks rather than a mere handful of days -- so help me, it is going to take all the resolve I have to not actually spit on that woman for her myopia, bigotry, and callous disregard for not just her fellow man, but for her own daughter.

(No, I do not remotely believe that everyone who voted that way is a bigot, or 'yay sexual assault' -- but she, specifically, actually is a long-standing racist, and pretty much gives none fucks about sexual assault or abuse, and is equally long on record as being in the 'legitimate rape and/or she must have been doing something to ask for it' philosophical camp.)

[Auspice]

@surreality

Upvoted not for the content, but solidarity.

My mother is the easier to deal with. Unfortunately, she is very very strongly caught up in the Irish Catholic / Southern Baptist parts of the family in that she has been the 'meek housewife who never speaks against her husband' for as long as I can remember. So while she might agree with you on something in private, she will turn on you if my dad does and she's there.

I hope it goes OK for you! If not, we're here and we understand.

[ThatGuyThere]

I mean this as an honest question, if families are that bad why deal with them?
I mean my father was not abusive or racist or horrible but he was also distant, uncaring and generally not the sort of person I would want to be around. I have not spoken or seen him in two decades. I still keep in contact with other relatives on that side of the family but not him. I understand family bonds are tight but if someone is a negative influence on your life family or not I have to wonder why anyone would keep them around.

[Auspice]

I deal with mine very little. This will be the first I've seen them in over a year.

One of my brothers was very toxic and I have cut off contact with him as much as I can.

My parents have... improved. They aren't as bad as they once were, but it still arises from time to time. And it's those times that it's really hard. But I want to encourage the improvement, y'know? Like I'm seeing glimmers of being progressive in my mother as time goes on. My father isn't as bible-thumping fundie as he once was and I've heard him criticize the Republican party from time to time over the past few years.

I probably wouldn't be so anxious if I wasn't going to be in Hilton Head for one of the two weeks, without anywhere to 'flee.' The rest of the time, I already have it lined up to hang out or even stay with friends if need be.

[Sunny]

@ThatGuyThere

Family means different things to different people. When you start getting into the big families -- if you cut your parents off, you lose the siblings too, or grandparents, or whatever. If you refuse to have anything to do with one of your siblings, you hear about it EVERY SINGLE TIME you hang out with your mom. Or, or, or, or, or. Also, don't underestimate 'this person raised me, I have many good memories, and in most other areas they're acceptable...and they are going to die before too long'. If relationships are wholly bad, sure. It is very, very rare that they are entirely bad, and again -- family. There are people that value it very differently, that family is the foundation of their moral core. Turning your back on family, it's just. not. done. Culturally, morally, it is unacceptable, just as it's unacceptable to some to go against their word, for example.We are talking base right and wrong, here.

[surreality]

Re: why...

First is the easiest: they live next door. They own the house we live in, having figured that since it needs about $125k+ in repairs and in top condition would at best sell for $150-$175k, it's easier to just let us have the damned thing, and we're in zero position to move. But they also live next door. They're elderly enough that providing care is rapidly approaching, and I'm an only child -- nobody to pass that buck to.

Second: ...my mother and I have had an art/jewelry side business since my age was in the single digits. (No, really.) We've been actively doing shows and whatnot since I was 12 or so. It got handed off to me this year, and the first show is next weekend. So there was a whole lot of planning chaos to do, since while it was decided this was gonna be 'transition year', that has -- other than just the brief discussion this evening -- translated to 'have fun, I'm off to hang out with my church friends at the beach, I suppose I left the paperwork somewhere! BAI!' (Yeeeeeeeah, there's reasons I've been a stressed out, testy bitch this year... more than usual.)

[mietze]

In my case, I am an only child of elderly parents in declining health. So there is a certain level of contact that I need so that I can ensure they're taken care of.

But over the years and as consequences for certain behaviors, some things have changed (I will never care for them in my home, for example, and they will never have unsupervised contact with my minor kids).

[Three-Eyed Crow]

@mietze said in RL Anger:

In my case, I am an only child of elderly parents in declining health. So there is a certain level of contact that I need so that I can ensure they're taken care of.

Oy. That's a terrible situation with no easy answers. My grandmother, who I have almost no relationship with because she was emotionally abusive to my mom and is in all ways I value a terrible person, is getting too old to care for herself now. My parents are trying to figure out how to navigate it. I'm trying to help the but I don't know what to do most of the time.

[Karmageddon]

ALL THE HUGS to anyone who wants/needs them.

[Ganymede]

@surreality said in RL Anger:

That mine like to blackmail and strongarm me about shit to force compliance (@Ganymede, I need to take some notes... ) with their views (which they have had almost no luck with since I was 8, hence the strongarm bullshit) is not something I am much looking forward to.

Here's what to do to discourage compliance.

1. Listen to people.
2. Reject what they have to say, no matter how reasonable.
3. Repeat until people stop talking to you.
4. Gaslight them for their lack of communication when you meet later.
5. Continually remind them of their mistakes and failings.
6. When confronted for how much of an asshole you're being, tell them tragically: I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!!!

This really pisses people off. Here's a snippet from 'Fences' that I like:

Cory: How come you ain’t never liked me?

Troy: Liked you? Who the hell say I got to like you? What law is there say I got to like you? Wanna stand up in my face and ask a damn fool ass question like that. Talking about liking somebody. Come here boy, when I talk to you. .. Straighten up dammit! I asked you a question… what law is there say I got to like you?

Cory: None.

Troy: Well, all right then! Don’t you eat every day? (Pause) Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t you eat every day?

Cory: Yeah

Troy: Nigga, as long as you in my house, you put that sir on the end of it when you talk to me!

Cory: Yes…sir

Troy: You eat every day.

Cory: Yessir!

Troy: You got clothes on your back.

Cory: Yessir.

Troy: Why you think that is?

Cory: Cause of you.

Troy: Ah, hell I know its cause of me… but why do you think that is?

Cory (hesitant): Cause you like me.

Troy: like you? I go out of here every morning… bust my butt putting up with them crackers everyday… ‘cause I like you? You about the biggest fool I ever saw.
(Pause)
It’s my job, it’s my responsibility! You understand that? A man got to take care of his family. You live in my house, sleep on my bedclothes, fill your belly up on my food… cause you my son. You my flesh and blood. Not cause I like you! Cause it’s my duty to take care of you. I owe a responsibility to you! Let’s get this straight here, before it go along any further… I ain’t got to like you. Mr. Rand don’t give me my money come payday ‘cause he likes me. He gives me ‘cause he owes me. I done given you everything I had to give you. I gave you your life! Me and your mama worked that out between us. And liking your black ass wasn’t part of the bargain. Don’t you try and go through life worrying about if somebody like you or not. You best be making sure they doing right by you. You understand what I’m saying boy?

[Pandora]

Sitting on the phone with my ISP for upwards of 2 hours as they transfer me from one rep to another.

Motherfucker I double dog dare you to suggest I unplug my modem one more motherfucking time.
GET SOMEONE THE FUCK OUT HERE OR CANCEL MY SERVICE.