@silverfox The things I have heard come out of the man's mouth over the past week about it all are what leaves me stunned there has not yet been a murder in this house.
"I can't help with the kitchen, I'm too wiped from going to see a movie and spending 3 hours at the gym."
^ Two days in a row.
Call me crazy, but maybe trim down the gym time and halp some goddammit.
This was last weekend:
3:06 AM, Me: "<name>, can I have your help with something in the kitchen?"
3:07 AM, Him: <huffs like a whiny toddler> "WHAT."
3:07 AM, Me: "I need you to pull the spidery box stuff out from under the table and throw it out."
3:07 AM, Him: "FINE."
3:07 AM, Me: <goes downstairs and starts moving and cleaning things>
3:08 AM, Him: "This is so dusty! I am going to be so mad if I have an allergy attack before sleep!"
3:08 AM, Me: <continues to gather things as he clears the way and puts them in trash or recycling>
3:08 AM, Him: "OH MY GOD I NEED A TISSUE."
3:08 AM, Me: <hands him a tissue> "Can you toss that old coffee pot?"
3:08 AM, Bri: "Which coffee pot?"
3:08 AM, Me: <points, standing several feet away from him and out of reach> "That one."
3:08 AM, Him: <makes wild backward lean as though I was just about to stab him in the eye with one of the oh so many, so many knives> "Watch it!"
3:09 AM, Me: <makes a mental note of where the oh so many, so many knives are right now>
3:09 AM, Him: "You have the worst timing, we should have done this earlier when I could have taken a Zyrtec!"
3:09 AM, Me: <exceptional success on cosmic willpower roll to not point out that this is 'his kitchen' and he has no trouble with the dust/etc. at any other time>
3:10 AM, Him: "Ew this has liquid in it. I should throw this out!"
3:10 AM, Me: <more willpower exceptionals as she refrains from pointing out that I've asked him to throw it out for two years>
3:10 AM, Him: "I NEED ANOTHER TISSUE I AM GOING TO BE MAD IF I GET SICK!" <continues to micromanage trash, removing trash from spider-filled box of trash to put in trash can>
3:11 AM, Me: "...why are you taking-"
3:11 AM, Him: "WE SHOULD SAVE THE BOX!"
3:11 AM, Me: <observes battered, beaten, dusty box covered in cat hair and spiders, MIRACULOUSLY manages to not actually laugh out loud> "It is full of living, angry spiders. That you have just further angered by fussing with it."
3:11 AM, Him: <looks in box> "OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?!"
3:12 AM, Me: <observes very obvious spiders being very obvious, recalls specifically saying 'I need your help getting rid of the spidery box', which we have in fact CALLED 'THE SPIDERY BOX' FOR THREE YEARS as the premise of this entire expedition, and performs second miracle in as many minutes by not actually murdering him>
3:12 AM, Him: <shudders and starts dumping things back into the spidery box with gusto>
3:12 AM, Me: <is secretly proud of him that he's willing to part with a cardboard box for once, refrains from pointing out the box he's trying to save is full of the thing he's supposedly about to have an allergy attack from>
3:13 AM, Him: <scans every shred of everything for recycling codes, tries to put things in the sink to wash before recycling them instead of throwing them in the trash>
3:14 AM, Me: <begins making mental checklist of crap to pull out of the sink to throw in the trash after he leaves for work in the morning>
3:15 AM, Him: <discovers he has been piling shit in one of the rock buckets, must remove things from rock bucket so rock buckets can go away to the rock room, more puttering ensues>
3:16 AM, Me: <removes remaining rock crap from kitchen and puts things away in the china cabinet as warranted>
3:16 AM, Him: "I am going to be really angry if I have an allergy attack, your timing really is fucking terrible, you know that?"
3:16 AM, Me: "You can dump this old apple cider vinegar, I don't need it for dye any more."
3:16 AM, Him: "Can that go down the sink? I don't think that can go down the sink!"
3:16 AM, Me: "...it's vinegar, hon. It can go down the sink."
3:16 AM, Him: "Are you sure? You know you shouldn't put chemicals down the sink."
3:17 AM, Me: <debates offering him the alternative solution of 'chug it then, motherfucker' but keeps wisely silent>
3:17 AM, Him: <dumps vinegar down the sink>
3:18 AM, Me: <continues to find shit that doesn't belong in the kitchen in the kitchen and removes it from the fucking kitchen>
3:18 AM, Him: "I am going to be pissed if I am doing massage all day tomorrow with my sinuses going crazy because you just HAD to have help in the kitchen right now. WE HAVE TO STOP, I OWE IT TO MY CLIENTS."
3:20 AM, Me: <returns to the screen, and notes that it's taken longer to recount this sequence of events in text than my husband spent actually doing any work in the kitchen all weekend>