Incredibly stupid criminals.
Like most of us, at some point or another, an ancient password of mine leaked in a hack from somewhere. The only account that used it was changed, obviously, years ago when it happened.
Some dumbass, likely with that list of emails and passwords, is sending out the weirdest blackmail demand ever. Unfortunately, it's one that could hit a lot of folks, it's just weirdly laughable here.
No, I'm not going to buy you 2000 bitcoin, because I made a whopping $800 last year, dumbest criminal in history, and you'd know the impossibility of that if you really 'had access to all of my computer information from the past year' as you claim. Truly. If you had even the tiniest smidge of brainpower, you'd pick a target with money.
You can't even name the 'weird porn site', and considering that my real name is on my facebook, which you also claim to have? Yeah, somehow I think you would have used that, too. Even the crazy stalker/harasser knows to randomly page me my real name from a guest account to be a proper terrorist!
It's a classic 'WE GOT VIDEO OF YOU MASTURBATING TO WEIRD PORN!' scam, which is especially funny since, uh... I haven't even had a sex drive for four or five years now. Something they'd also see the endless whining about if they had access to my computer! (It would also be physically impossible to masturbate at my desk even if I was so inclined, because of the way this desk is jury-rigged together. Like, how the hell would a fat woman with little t-rex arms and giant boobs even pull that off in a space as tight as a cockpit? I AM NOT THAT CREATIVE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M A FAILURE AT SOMETHING I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT OMG YOU ASSHOLE CRIMINAL!) That long standing joke about 'of course I type one-handed, where else am I going to put my cigarette?' is not a joke.
This doesn't worry me, but it does terrify me for people like my dad, who definitely lives by 'the internet is for porn' and is not very internet savvy. (Admittedly, he'd know this was nonsense as he doesn't have a facebook account... I'd HOPE.)
Dear internets: I really do not like having to send off a report to the FBI before my morning coffee. This being the third time I've had to do so over the past year or so? Please contain your collective crazies, maybe on a farm with no internet access, save for the live feed sent to pay-per-view so we can all enjoy watching them go Lord of the Flies on each other in the most pathetic way possible before descending into cannibalism. I might actually be willing to masturbate to that.
You are right, though, stupid internet criminal. The stuff that gets me all excited is super weird! I may not get moist for anything these days, but damn if a collection of Klimt and Mucha and Amano doesn't get my heart racing. Romeo Gigli coats from the 80s? SWOONVILLE, BABY. Let's not even get started on Victorian Gothic Revival furniture, or we'll be here all day. GoT costumes in detail? All the flutters. An actually good horror movie? AWWWWWWYISSSSSSSSS.
Dear moronic internet criminals: I understand that small minds typically project their own personal behavior patterns on others in an attempt to normalize them to themselves due to fear or shame that the behavior is unacceptable. It's super common. Sometimes it's related to behavior that is totally normal and actually fine, like you whacking it to, presumably, some sort of funky hentai in your mom's basement. Embrace your fetish -- or that character body pillow with the hole cut in it -- without shame, you do you! (Literally!) I know, you need that money badly to get a place of your own, so mom doesn't keep shouting down the stairs about where her lavender hand lotion went again.
P.S. Don't try to scam a broke, frigid, snarky-as-fuck fat old cow on the first day of brutal cramps shark week. It ain't gonna go well for you, buddy.