RL things I love
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I love some of the stories that get shared on my FB page.
This one is no exception. In fact, this may be the thing I've loved most, ever, while also being horrifying:
"So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It's taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough - something that's probably happened to most of you.
Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she's done this, so it's probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective's mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?
Why, friends, that's because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.
If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you.
Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.
It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.
Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you'll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you'll walk into the living room. And you'll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you'll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything's okay. Like it's proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.
And then the horror. Oh the horror.
So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don't bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what's coming. It's inevitable, and it's coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you're not one of those people - you can't go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.
So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn't just on your hands - it's smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that "whirlllllllllllllllll-boop-hisssssssss" noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet. More on that later.
Oh, and you're not just using profanity - you're inventing new types of profanity. You're saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there's no way he's not ending up in prison.
Then you get out the carpet shampooer. When you push it up to the rug - the rug that started it all - the shampooer just laughs at you. Because that rug is going in the trash, folks. But you shampoo it anyway, because your wife loved that damn rug, and you know she'll ask if you tried to clean it first.
Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.
And then, because it's 6am, you go to bed. Let's finish this tomorrow, right?
The next day, you finish taking the Roomba apart, scraping out all the tiny flecks of poop, and after watching a few Youtube instructional videos, you remove the motherboard to wash it with a toothbrush. Then you bake it in the oven to dry. You put it all back together, and of course it doesn't work. Because you heard the "whirlllllllllllllll-boop-hissssssss" noise when it died its poopy death in the bathtub. But you hoped that maybe the Roomba gods would have mercy on you.
But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn $400 Roomba without spending $400 again - including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries - you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it's for life, and it's for any reason.
So I called them and told the truth. My Roomba found dog poop and almost precipitated World War III.
And you know what they did? They offered to replace it. Yes, folks. They are replacing the Roomba that ran over dog poop and then died a poopy, watery death in the bathtub - by no fault of their own, of course.
So, mad props to Hammacher Schlemmer. If you're buying anything expensive, and they sell it, I recommend buying it from them. And remember - don't let your Roomba run over dog poop"
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Apoopcalypse.
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The roomba story has amused the hell out of me. I feel so bad for that guy, but goddamn: lol.
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I just love that this is happening. NSFW, maybe? 3D printed clitoris to teach girls about sexuality in France.
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A video showing how good the Bioshock remastered collection looks is currently giving me a lady boner.
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@Insomnia said in RL things I love:
I just love that this is happening. NSFW, maybe? 3D printed clitoris to teach girls about sexuality in France.
Why isn't this shared with the lads? That is traditionally where the issue lies I thought.
I have a waggish sense of humor.
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@Misadventure It's definitely not where the trouble starts.
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@Misadventure Because lady bits are scary to guys!
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I dunno. I mean, male fear of vaginas, that is a common perception, but having had a lot of male friends, even as teens--the only time I remember a male getting all hysterical over a tampon and/or female anatomy was looked at pretty weirdly by the other guys too. I've never had a partner who wouldn't willingly go get me a tampon or pad out of the box if it was in a different bathroom (or who wouldn't pick up some for me while shopping, or run to the drug store or whatever). Hell, I never had a male friend or roommate or other man in my life (notably 2 youth pastors--and these were not liberal women can do anything churches) who wouldn't. The only guys I've ever seen make a big deal out female parts or processes were...well...really super duper assholes who were just taking another opportunity to show how big of an asshole they were. And I grew up with pretty much conservative, complementarian gender role believing men.
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@mietze said in RL things I love:
I dunno. I mean, male fear of vaginas, that is a common perception, but having had a lot of male friends, even as teens--the only time I remember a male getting all hysterical over a tampon and/or female anatomy was looked at pretty weirdly by the other guys too. I've never had a partner who wouldn't willingly go get me a tampon or pad out of the box if it was in a different bathroom (or who wouldn't pick up some for me while shopping, or run to the drug store or whatever). Hell, I never had a male friend or roommate or other man in my life (notably 2 youth pastors--and these were not liberal women can do anything churches) who wouldn't. The only guys I've ever seen make a big deal out female parts or processes were...well...really super duper assholes who were just taking another opportunity to show how big of an asshole they were. And I grew up with pretty much conservative, complementarian gender role believing men.
I will say that the men I've known in my life outside of family have been pretty cool about feminine needs.
Family-wise, however, well. My father managed to spread a 'fear' of feminine products to my brothers. And I'm going to call it a fear because damn if he didn't try to make me feel bad for the 'shame' and 'embarrassment' of being emotional in the first few years of puberty.
There are guys who could totally use a proper education, but I think they're (at least in the US) becoming more rare, thankfully.
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Hopefully no one taught you that you can't drive after dark.
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How 'cool' guys are or aren't revolving around a woman's bodily functions doesn't necessarily apply to how they approach sex. I can safely say that there are a large number of men out there that still think that the stuff you find on porn is what sex is really supposed to be like. Including the stupid way girls presumably touch their clits to stimulate themselves. Others that are straight up just clueless because they were afraid to ask. So, I mean, it could be a highly useful tool for guys as well as girls.
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True. But the same thing could be said for a lot of women too. There are some awesome sex ed things out there, but I would say many young folks don't have access to them. I have met many more women who are more squicked out at experimenting to find out what they like/don't like by themselves/with another than I have men.
It could just be the bias in my upbringing here, but honestly--I could see more guys being interested in the 3D printing of the clitoris (whether they admit it or not) than women. Though I think (I hope) that's changing too.I think it is cool though, that models are being used. I like to imagine that maybe it's more useful than the fake boob with the marble in it that the girls tossed around like a hot potato in 7th grade health class (it was supposed to be a tool for leaning how to do self-exams). I always wondered if they still have those things around. When I asked my eldest after her health class quarter, she gave me a very long look and said "Uhhhh no, why wouldn't you practice on your own boob?" So, hey, progress maybe!
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Where men dealing with women's biology is concerned, perhaps they should take their cue from Jensen Ackles.
But hey, if he doesn't do it fo you, gents, here's Key & Peele's menstruation orientation.
"If you stand for nothing Burr, what will you fall for?"
-- Hamilton: An American Musical -
Vaginas are one of my top three favorite places to be, just after being on a bass boat and being on a golf course.
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@mietze I would bet the female squick of figuring out their own bodies is lingering societal expectations that women should be ashamed of their bodies and seek to hide from their own functions and processes, and that the girls who want to learn and will experiment are just 'dirty sluts' that no 'good girl' would want to be associated with. The simple fact that women still can't make decisions about their own bodies without state or federal government having a say is rather telling. Men can get Viagra with insurance. Most companies won't cover birth control for women. Sanitary products are still not tax-free. I mean the list really goes on.
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Friday.
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Give into the sin, let all that knowledge in and at the end of the day you will no longer pray. Yeah.
10/10, now and growing up, in a group of manly men if you are squicked out by anything - even pushing your own eye back into its socket - you are forever labeled a chicken-shit and if you can't be bothered to go get your woman what she needs, maybe someone else should be her company, yeah?
Sex-Ed should be up there with Science and Math. It's going to happen, it's inevitable, you should be educated about it for yourself and others. Entelechy, bitches.
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@Tyche. You. I like you. Except for golf.
The Center Cannot Hold.
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I almost have an apartment secure. I've done my app. I've paid the deposit. Just waiting on the new roomie to do her app.
They called and said so far, solo, my app isn't approved. But they sounded confident that once hers is in, it'll be fine. I THINK it's because they want the occupants' combined income to be 2.4 times the monthly rent. Mine is roughly $1500 shy.
But it's a great location. Very nicely sized apartments. INDOOR POOL.
Just antsy for the roomie to get her app in (which she will in a couple hours when she's off work).
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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@Auspice GIT IT GUD. Apartment hunts are awful, I'm crossing my fingers for you!
