RL Anger

[TiredEwok]

Recently I had to have my oldest admitted to a... mental facility, for the lack of a better way to put it. I am conflicted by what I had to do. On one hand, he is finally getting the help he needs and this is going to help get the ball rolling with getting him on SSI-D, insured, etc. But, on the other hand, I miss him, I want him home, I am scared shitless that he'll be angry at me for doing this to him, scared about the medication... so many fears, still.

[Auspice]

@TiredEwok said in RL Anger:

Recently I had to have my oldest admitted to a... mental facility, for the lack of a better way to put it. I am conflicted by what I had to do. On one hand, he is finally getting the help he needs and this is going to help get the ball rolling with getting him on SSI-D, insured, etc. But, on the other hand, I miss him, I want him home, I am scared shitless that he'll be angry at me for doing this to him, scared about the medication... so many fears, still.

You did what you felt was best (and probably was). I commend you for it.

My parents refused to see the issues my brother had, even from when we were young children. It has led to him being 29, living at home, no job, and frequently in trouble with the law as well as in and out of treatment. I completely and fully believe if they'd have sought treatment for him when he was younger, he'd be a lot better off.

I know it's not easy. I don't know first-hand, per se, but I know the toll it's taken on my mother to deal with it now. But in the same vein as 'self care is not just spa treatments and shopping sprees; sometimes it's doing the really difficult shit you need,' so is tending to other people. Doing what's best to help them is not always the fun or easy or immediately rewarding thing.

One thing I can offer is this: my mother once told me that when my brother is actively taking his medications, he's a different person. But not in a bad way. She once put it as 'It's like we're finally getting to see the real him.' Don't be afraid of the medications. Once the right ones are found, they can do wonders.

[Sparks]

@Taika said in RL Anger:

Fuck cancer. That is all.

I feel you on this so very much right now. My mother is going through chemo, my writing mentor just passed away of pancreatic cancer in April, and an acquaintance has just received a "you have 8 months or so" terminal diagnosis.

There is, thankfully, one person I know who was diagnosed, but it was early, they removed the mass, and so far they appear to be clean.

But overall? Fuck cancer.

[Taika]

SO's dad has been fighting cancer for a while. He's also a diabetic in overall poor health. The cancer is aggressive, but easily treated with radiation and some drugs to boost the immune system.

But the radiation is killing him. As of this morning, he's intubated in the ICU with fluid building up in the pericardial sack, septic shock from a nasty infection, and and and (two knee surgeries that set off finding the cancer, cancer that's in his lymph nodes, and they've taken half of a lung, kind of 'and')

So we're racing on a six hour drive to try and get the littlest to him so he can meet her before he dies. Cause even if they slow it down or stop it, there is no happy ending and there isn't much time. -.-

[TiredEwok]

@Taika

I am so sorry. I'll keep your father and you and your family in my thoughts.

[Rinel]

@TiredEwok

I had to have my mother committed a little under a decade ago. I was 22. It was terrifying. She didn't want to go. She cried, begged, pleaded. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. She was out after a couple of months, and is now fully recovered. We have never been closer, or more loving.

I have one thing of advice. Go see him. Every day, if you can. It is scary in those places. Even if he doesn't want to see you (and he will want to see you), keep going, every day, in case he changes his mind. Just knowing he has the option to see his parent will mean everything to him. Being there for him during visiting will help so, so much.

Good luck. I know it's hard. It will get better.

[Deleted]

@Rinel I want to second this. Visit him. Call him. Keep in whatever sort of communication you can. Let him vent all his frustrations and fears to you. Keep a brave face and wait until you get home to cry.

It's very important to have family that supports you when you're dealing with those sort of problems. Very, very important. (Support though, not enable. Never enable.)

[Quinn]

@Taika we did this with my oldest when she was eleven weeks old to meet my mother-in-law who was basically only alive because of chemo. Take pictures if you can. In the end she was just holding on long enough to meet her first granddaughter and passed about a week after we had to go back home. But we absolutely treasure the moments we had with her and we named our second after her.

It's a really rough thing to go through and I'm sorry to hear you and your family are having to do it

[TiredEwok]

@Rinel

Unfortunately, he's several towns over which means it'll be hard for us (none of us drive currently) to go see him, but we'll definitely try to get out there as much as we possibly can.

[mietze]

I have just completely cut off a whole branch of my extended family, and am now dealing with some of the rest of them trying to "explain" what was meant by the cut off people reposting shit about how America should be taken back for God by rounding up and putting to death all of the LGTBQ adults. My son is trans and turns 18 in less than six months. He is out, and I have made comments when they've posted less extreme stuff about "hey, you are talking about my family here" to which they always act shocked and how could I think they hated my kid/my family. This was the final straw, as it's been getting worse and worse. I am thinking my ability to tolerate that kind of just thoughtless cruelty and blindness is also crumbling, so I expect to be estranged from the vast majority of my extended family and perhaps even my parents by the end of the year.

I don't know why this makes me sad and angry, it's not like they're not being themselves. It's irritating how many people will say "good riddance" as if there's no mixed emotions in effectively kicking people that you love very much despite differences from your life. It's complicated, and depressing. But you know, I've spent the last 6 or 7 years answering their questions when asked, being loving, being patient, being very measured/calm in my reactions, providing resources to those that wanted them, ect...and now I think it's time to just throw in the towel. At least all of my cousins and their kids know we are a safe place to run to if one of them is lgbtq and they know how to contact us and get help.

I just can't stop thinking about how my favorite baby cousin, who I rocked and held and loved and who would always be the first of the pack to run up to me when I came for the summer, and the aunt and uncle that provided sanctuary for me when they knew about my mom's mental illness/abuse now so happily post about people like my child deserving death or imprisonment and how families like mine are a scourge on the earth. It is so fucking painful. But who knows, maybe they'll wake up someday. I just can't be around to SEE what's going on in the meantime.

[Sunny]

@mietze

I am so sorry.

[Sparks]

@mietze said in RL Anger:

My son is trans and turns 18 in less than six months. He is out, and I have made comments when they've posted less extreme stuff about "hey, you are talking about my family here" to which they always act shocked and how could I think they hated my kid/my family.

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. It's even more aggravating since this mindset—"how could you think I meant that person?"—is so, so prevalent.

They've actually done studies; people who have gone through life in a privileged/'societal default' (straight, white, cis, etc.) position often see themselves get exceptions in various situations. Someone cuts them slack on a speeding ticket because it's clear they're remorseful, etc.

These people genuinely get the impression that things work on a case-by-case basis and that laws are wielded only against people who deserve it. And so when someone talks in absolutes about any given group of people—LGBT folks, immigrants, people receiving government aid—they assume they mean all those other ones. You know, the people who are actually being bad by doing that. And because they expect things to happen on a case-by-case basis, they genuinely believe that these broad, sweeping absolute laws they are supporting will be used as a tool, something only taken out when it needs to be used against the nebulous "other/bad" folks in that category.

"Oh, I don't mean my undocumented immigrant neighbor; he's a responsible father, I love the restaurant he runs, he's a great guy! I mean all those other ones, who are here for criminal reasons!"

"Oh, I don't mean that person I know who needs financial aid to be able to feed her kids; no, her situation's understandable. We just need to be able to do things about all the people who are cheating the system."

"Oh, I don't mean that LGBT person who I know. Of course not! They're fine! I mean the other ones out there, the perverts and pedophiles people talk about!"

This is how you keep getting stories about how Trump supporters are shocked and outraged that their immigrant neighbor who everyone liked got rounded up by ICE. How they're shocked and outraged when their own sister-in-law (or wife!) gets deported. How they're shocked and outraged when someone turns one of those anti-LGBT laws or mindsets against the LGBT person in their family who they of course didn't mean should be included, because they're one of the good ones.

They're always so surprised when it happens, and upset that this is clearly not what was supposed to happen. Hence the joke around the Internet: "I never thought leopards would eat my face," sobs woman who voted for Leopards-Eating-People's-Faces-Party.

It's infuriating, because you can't point to the examples they actually know of people in the affected classes; they'll only be offended that you think they mean to include those people. And they'll continue insisting that no one would do it to that person, right up until something terrible actually happens to the person in question.

It's bad enough when it happens with acquaintances, co-workers, or friends; I'm so sorry you've having to deal with it with family.

[Rinel]

@mietze

Wow I get to use "as a trans person" in a convo and not cringe.

What you've done means more to your son than even you probably imagine. Having someone who supports us no matter what is indescribable. I know it hurts to cut people you love out of your life, but your son understands that you are doing it to protect him. And that's huge in a way I can't put into words.

You're a good parent.

[Thenomain]

Beyond anger to furious:

I am in a target pool for an "Apple, Inc." scam about security and it's the first kind of I've interacted with someone at this level of scam, and I found myself dialing through and swearing at the person at the other end of the phone.

Tricksy spam phone advertising makes me miffed but I feel some sympathy for the people who take those jobs, but these scammers must knowingly participate and I feel they deserve any bit of anguish I can provide them over the phone.

I've dealt with victims of the better-known "I work for Windows" security scam and sympathize with them strongly. Nobody is trying to protect the vulnerable that I get a little angry even thinking about it.

Being able to talk to one of these scammers fills me with fiery joy.

[Ghost]

Random thought:

"I wonder if Data from Star Trek ever became sentient enough to be sick of his job, and then had to go to the retirement ceremonies for Picard, Riker, Troi, and LaForge. Then by the time they got around to Wesley Crusher's retirement he was like: Yanno what? Fuck you guys."

[eye8urcake]

@Rinel said in RL Anger:

@TiredEwok
Good luck. I know it's hard. It will get better.

This. This x2. This x1000000.

Just adding my bit here to what @Rinel said...a couple of years ago, my youngest (then 18) went for a week-long visit to some friends who live in an actual city a little under 400 miles from here. Cut to about ten days later when I get a random text from one of those friends who has no idea she's texting my daughter's mother (I'm under a Star Wars name in her contacts as a family joke) stating she'd been coded into a facility by police and emergency personnel, but was 'probably' going to be alright.

I spend an hour trying to get hold of the girl on my daughter's phone to no avail, until I threatened to SWAT them if I wasn't contacted in 30 minutes or less and included a screenshot of the GPS of where the phone I pay for was located.

Pathos ensues during which my husband, I, and three of her siblings basically have to long-distance torture these 'friends' to get something as simple as a fucking facility name out of them, which allowed us to find out the next day that yes, she was on a psychiatric hold. 400 miles away.

She was not okay. She very much needed to be there, it turned out, and the follow-up involved a lot of weirdness, a lot of conflict, a lot of drama, and a lot of guilt, some of which is still present. It also included a lot of on-again, off-again medication juggles, as is the norm for mental health, unfortunately, some of which created and compounded her conditions to the point of necessitating more hospitalizations, though never for more than a few days.

Fast forward to now, two going on three years later and said daughter has held a job down for a year, including promotions. She's got two semesters of college under her belt. She's kept a roof over her head (with roommates) this whole time and has pets she is responsible for, a boyfriend that she loves who loves her and as he has his own set of psychological baggage they are mutually supportive of each other's issues. She's gotten her driver's license in that time (we got her a beater and keep it insured - that, plus keeping her on the family phone plan are our only constant financial support at this time) and had no incidents with it.

After some bumps, we are as we were - very close.

I don't mean to overshare, it makes me irrationally irritated to see people sharing photos of every meal and requesting prayers for every hangnail but when it was happening to her, this situation terrified me and I'm offering the story up not to make it about me/us, but to maybe give you a tiny light toward the end of your tunnel.

I'm pulling for you and your family and have all the feels and best wishes for you in this crisis and that you get to look back to see it as a horrible thing that touched off positive changes for your family like it ended up being for us, and sooner, rather than later.

ETA: Maybe don't let your kids keep you as 'The Overlord' in their contacts, too. This apparently muddies things in crisis situations.

[Ghost]

@TiredEwok said in RL Anger:

Recently I had to have my oldest admitted to a... mental facility, for the lack of a better way to put it. I am conflicted by what I had to do. On one hand, he is finally getting the help he needs and this is going to help get the ball rolling with getting him on SSI-D, insured, etc. But, on the other hand, I miss him, I want him home, I am scared shitless that he'll be angry at me for doing this to him, scared about the medication... so many fears, still.

I know that I'm late to this, but I'm more intimately aware of this process (family member, committed, etc) than I'd care to expound upon, but I have some information that might be vital. Lessons learned are still bumpy, but this advice might save you some surprises.

1. Ultimately, if this is a minor, you will have control in terms of SSI, services, etc. If this is an adult or a minor about to transition to an adult, be prepared for a few things.

ONE: SMI will assign case workers who may or may not be good at returning calls. This could end up in SMI benefits (housing, rides, food stamps), but these things also require upkeep (you have to regularly re-apply for food stamps, for example). Be prepared for an overwhelmed person not being good at keeping on top of their own SSI benefits. Do what you can to be signed on as someone with authorization to call these people, or at the very least get and keep their numbers to assist with calling them if needed.

TWO: It may be difficult, but if you don't have legal authority to make decisions, ultimately whether or not an adult programs on SSI is either a matter of their willingness or Power of Attorney. Depending on the level of mental illness you may want to consider whether or not this is a power of attorney situation.

2. Regarding therapy...

Basically, at this point you gotta shake off the shock and awe of having to commit someone. At this point, psych are going to start talking program. Good questions to ask the psych are "What can I do as a parent to aid in the therapy?" and "What signs should I look for before seeking more help?". Most states have on-call crisis programs. Save those numbers, too. If the kiddo is aggressive, violent, or depressed, simply listening and not challenging what they say (regardless of how ridiculous it may be) is more valuable than trying to fix the problem. Psych/counseling working alongside asking psych/counseling how you can support whatever program they're on will be more valuable than actual parenting.

3. Maintaining sanity...

It sucks. It's scary. It's depressing. If you or any spouse in the situation are struggling, there are support groups for parents of kids with emotional problems. These can be wonderful, because they're adults just like you (and myself) who have this whole realm of "So what happened last week?" that you don't want to share with friends and coworkers. They can be a good support network. Crisis/therapy hospital will have information on these groups. You may also find them online.

Like anything, this stuff is one day at a time. You can only do as much as you can, and like a lot of parenting things, sometimes their safety is more important than them thinking you're an asshole. You just have to keep explaining that you do what you do out of love and are willing to listen. These things take time, and your job right now is to do everything you can to make sure you support making sure that kiddo gets the time they need to get through this.

I empathize. My last trip to one of these places was 3 weeks ago. If you want more advice, feel free to PM me. I've had to walk someone through the SMI/disability process, programs for housing, food stamps, etc (at least in the USA). At the very least I'm someone who wont judge.

[TiredEwok]

Thank you to all for everything, from the information and advice and the offer of someone to talk to. I am sorry for not saying thank you before now, but I really was in my feels, as that saying goes, and got myself into a bit of a funk as a result. But I do appreciate everything.

Good news is that he'll hopefully be home soon. The doctor's doing the right thing by not rushing him out the door too soon and I am grateful that is the case. I spoke to my son today and he seriously sounded like a different person in a good way. He was accepting of the fact that he was going to have to stay for a little while where that news a couple days ago sent him into a tizzy and caused him to hang up on me (he did end the call abruptly, but only because I made him emotional by calling him brave). He even asked about his brother, saying how he misses him, and asked me to let his daddy know he misses him, too. There is a long road ahead of us to get the rest of the things done, but we're getting there, slowly but surely.

[Auspice]

@TiredEwok this all sounds like wonderful news! I'm glad to hear it and wish you luck for the road ahead.

I'm really glad the doctor is doing right by him. All too often people do get rushed out (sometimes to clear beds sometimes because the doctor isn't taking things seriously enough), so I'm very happy for you and your kid that you have a good doctor on your team.

[Testament]

I've documented at length the health of my lovable old man cat. He turned 16 this year. He had been having problems with a particular nasal infection since March, and after this morning, I took him in for his monthly check up. One urine and blood test later did not reveal good news. While my vet was happy that he had put on a pound of weight to ten pounds, she did note that he had some kind of infection in his kidney or bladder, his hematocrit count is going down which is a sign he's becoming anemic(which is a sign of cancer, but other things as well), vet's pretty sure he has a heart murmur which is just, nothing you can do about that at this point. And his nasal infection is still a thing.

He's going on two new medications, a new antibiotic that's stronger than the stuff he's been on. Along with a steroid. There's a risk it could make some of his issues worse, but it could also make a lot of his other issues better.

The elephant in the room is cancer, which my vet is very suspicious of. She's not certain, but she said if she had to theorize, the evidence she has seems to point to that. But again, she feels positive he can have awhile yet before all options are exhausted. Then again, she's not about expensive CAT scans or sonograms.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm trying to come to gripes with it. He's been with me for so long, and now I'm finally told that I have to start thinking about the end. Because he's starting to enter a downward slide with the eventuality that medications and treatment will not alleviate suffering. So I have to prepare myself to take him down the long walk.

And apart of me wants him to fight for as long as he can, and it's selfish to say it's more for me than for him. That I want him to rage against the dying of light. To not go gently into the good night. And that's wrong of me.

I don't expect him to live out the year. I'm thinking winter, if I"m lucky. I'll be really lucky if he's still here in 2020. But I have to be okay with that. He's doing okay now. Still eating, still hungry. Still drinking. Still sitting next to me. But one day, that's going to be here sooner than I'd like, he's going to be gone. And there will be a gaping hole in my chest.

At least the good news the vet told me is that he probably isn't in any real pain yet. That the worst thing pain wise is the ear irritation he has. So that's something.

I just wanted to rant. Because right now, I feel like I'm fighting something I can't win. Because I can't. Death plays for keeps.