Posts made by Kestrel

More love! I'm in a loving mood I guess.

Confession: I love creeping people out (IC, in non Weinstein ways).

I had a scene recently where my plutocratic character invited a SJW-type character to dinner, to discuss business. (Non romantic.) The latter chose the place — a high-end establishment. Upon sitting down my character proceeded to gossip and smirk about how the wine list leaves much to be desired, and then I had her summon the waiter to insist that they'd like to order something off the menu, using her reputation and position of power to justify it.

I love getting a certain reaction out of people, when it's entirely intentional, of 'Wow your character is awful'. Like yes, thank you and well done for noticing she's awful! That's intentional! I'm glad I could be of service in making your skin crawl at the existence of these types of people.

This is a quirk, right? Am I weird for getting a kick out of this?

"I tried out a few alts before settling on Redacted; mainly because Kestrel's enthusiasm was infectious."

God damn if that isn't the nicest fucking thing I've heard all day. I built a group thing and people like it. I made this person happy and gave them a story to play with. Moments like this make all the crap and drama and stress worth it.

I don't know how helpful this bit of advice is, because it's very circumstantial, but I used to have this problem and I don't have it any more. The honest truth of what helped me? No, I didn't have any kind of epiphany. I just got medicated.

You might not need medication in your specific case — I hardly know you — but a question I have would be: does this only apply to your RP circles? Or is this a persistent problem in your life? If you're constantly talking down to yourself, experiencing social anxiety and unable to accept the idea that anyone might possibly be able to enjoy your company, then please, don't ignore the signs of an obstacle to your mental health. It's a medical issue like any other. Society has for too long been telling people that they can pull themselves up by their bootstraps if only they would just think positive and remember that this is all in their head, and shaming them if they can't do that. It's a load of bullcrap. Chemical imbalances in your brain don't disappear after making a few life-affirming statements.

I suppose I'll undercut all that though and share a life-affirming statement I do like to make (supplemented by a trio of pills and a therapist who tells me off for being rude to myself) whenever I run into other people who, for whatever reason, just don't seem to like me:

Other people's bullshit does not reflect on you.

Someone's gonna give you attitude or look down their nose at you when you're just trying to make friends, that's their bullshit. Their attitude. Their problem. Maybe their mother died or has cancer or something, what do I know? Maybe they were picked on at school and never really got over it. But it has absolutely nothing to do with me, I just happened to be in their way.

And then you shrug, move on about your day, and remember it isn't your job to fix broken people, nor worry about whatever's bothering them. You just keep doing your thing.

Oh. Also, since you're a woman, I'm just gonna leave this here since you probably have this issue. Fix it. We all do.

@three-eyed-crow

It is a great show in its own right, feminist delight aside. I just have to point out that aspect of it because I just got into it, and I know that when redacted showed up on Eve's doorstep at the end of the pilot there was a shocked part of me going, 'Wait, another distinct female lead on this show? Don't we already have two? The show already passes the Beschdel Test! We get a third?' It was like literally Christmas and I do not expect such gifts from the TV Gods.

Also that pilot was really good, start to finish. Some shows get off to a rocky start; not this one. It hit the ground running. That ice-cream scene at the very beginning was so captivating and well done that I had to replay it to fully appreciate the way they expressed the character using no dialogue and nothing more than her attempt to smile.

Killing Eve is the female-driven serial-killer show I never knew I wanted.

I never knew how badly these things were missing from my life. Do I sound like a crazy feminist? That's OK. I feel like I'm tasting fresh fruit for the first time in my life when all I've had before was fruit-flavoured wine-gums.

I feel a bit guilty reducing this wonderful show to just the female factor but honestly I think the way this feels so novel is a testament to how rare it actually is on telly, even today. Finally a show about women that isn't just about 'women's issues' like boyfriends and fashion and gossip and dating and weddings or even more grave topics like rape and breaking the glass ceiling. Like don't get me wrong, there's a time and place for that too, it's just so refreshing to for a change see such diverse female representation all in one show where no character is defined merely by being female; there is no 'token female character' because over half the cast is female and each is depicted as an actual person with individual mindsets and motivations. Hallefreakinglujah.

Beyond that, I will admit my tastes have ventured darker of late, and so often when you go 'dark' you go 'male', in fiction. It's the association of aggression/violence/grit and even more positive traits, like intelligence — this is a noir, of course there's a scatterbrained yet brilliant detective — with masculinity. How refreshing for this not to be the case.

I posted in the MU gripes thread and I feel like I should also post here just like to balance out my karma or whatever.

So, my cat died. That's not the thing I love, obviously, it's been fucking devastating, but the people in my life have been making me smile. Grief is awful but what's less awful is realising what kind of support network you have and how much they care about you and are willing to be there for you to make you feel better.

My dad's been visiting me in my disgusting apartment every day. I feel a bit bad, like I should tidy it up, but he's been managing not to cast judgements in my current state which considering the mountains of OCD I undoubtedly inherited from him, and the fact that his Asperger's usually gives him 0 filter, is a really impressive thing that in and of itself I've been able to really appreciate.

Today he brought me a lentil soup. He doesn't cook so it's in a can, but he explained that he couldn't get me the fresh version from the chilled section because he checked the ingredients on that one and it wasn't vegan.

What he doesn't know is that I've been on a health kick for the last few years and I'm now at the point where I wouldn't touch canned soup to save my life. It's icky to me. I just think about all the processed weirdness this preserved tin must contain and it sucks my appetite right away.

I'm not upset about this though. I'm looking at this can and it's making me smile. I'm sitting here and although I don't plan to open it, it's like a little souvenir right now that this busy dude took time out of his life to visit, bring me some comfort food from the supermarket (I'm sitting Shiva so can't go myself) and rigorously check the ingredients for any milk/egg powder which isn't something he intuitively knows to do. I appreciate that. It's the thought that counts.

Little things. A can of lentil soup which I have no plans to actually eat is the RL thing I love right now.

EDIT: OK, I have more to say.

I have also been thinking a lot about love lately.

I went through a not-so-great relationship earlier this year which was really a failure from the moment it began, but that didn't make the brutal descent of it from bad to worse any easier. Losing that love was excruciating.

People have been very kind and sympathetic to me over the death of Lucky, my cat, and yes he was 'just a cat', but he was also my best friend and I didn't want him to die. I loved him more than almost anything and that fucking sucked.

But the interesting thing is, having both 'losses' in perspective, it sucked in a very different way.

I watched him be cremated yesterday. I had to drive two hours both ways because there actually aren't a lot of pet crematoriums it turns out and of the ones that are out there, fewer do individual cremations — most dump the animals in all together for 'communal cremations' which is one of the more disgusting things I've ever heard of — and even of those that do individual cremations, most don't let you watch. I insisted. It was important to me and I don't regret that decision. I needed to watch him go cold, I needed to put my hand on his fur and feel the way it had changed from soft and silky to coarse and dry, needed to see him go from being my cat to being my cat's body. And I needed to see him enter the incinerator, needed to see him catch fire. I suppose this is strange but I needed it and no one can tell me that what I needed to process what happened could be wrong. I wanted to see it through to the very end.

I cried. And I kissed him on the forehead. And I told him, tearfully, one last time, right before, that I love him so much.

The rollercoaster relationship I went through wasn't like that. It's a very different thing losing a love to the death of the one you loved, compared to losing a love to the death of the love itself.

From the moment I met him 9 years ago to the moment he died, I have not one negative memory of Lucky. There is not one moment with him that I regret, that I would trade away, except perhaps his death itself. The love I had for this cat, and that he had for me, was the purest fucking thing I've ever experienced and ever will experience. Perhaps that's sad and where loving animals has its shortcomings, because indeed part of the reason this can't exist with humans is that humans are inherently flawed — and that's part of what makes loving humans so rich; loving them in spite of flaws. But there is also a trade-off, and that's that the same love, rich though it may be, can also never compare to the purity of unconditionally loving a cat or a dog who loves you back unconditionally.

Looking back on this loss I don't have questions like, 'Why wasn't I enough?' 'Why didn't/couldn't he love me?' 'Why did he choose her over me?' 'What did I do wrong?' 'Why did he treat me so appallingly?' 'Why did he say some really terrible things to me and cross some lines I never would have crossed?' 'Why did he take my heart and then crush it?' 'Did he ever really love me or was it all a lie?'

I know exactly what went down between me and Lucky and I have no questions about it. I know I gave him the best life I possibly could. I know I loved him unconditionally. I know he loved me and that I was his mum. I know I may have saved his life from the shelter, and I know for a certainty that he saved mine.

That's something that no one and nothing can take away from me. Not even death. This pain I feel is the result of unconditional love.

That makes this grief, in many ways, a not so terrible thing after all. It is also beautiful and something to be cherished.

@arkandel said in Let's talk about TS.:

Maybe we could apply a Tinder approach to this? The left/right swipe thing.

So I meet Jane IC. I don't know if her player wants to TS.

I type something like "+interest/ts Jane". There's no notification unless Jane has done the same from the other side (+interest/ts Arkandel). If so we both get a message we want to e-shag!

I hate this idea, much like I hate Tinder.

Put it this way: in real life, I don't walk around with a flashing neon sign on my forehead that says 'up for a shag'. It's not that I'm never up for it, it's that I'm never so desperate for it that I need to advertise the fact that I might be.

If I did that, I would expect that all kinds of random weirdos would approach me and say, 'Well OK, do you like the look of me? You're up for it, I'm up for it, why don't we go back to my place?'

That's not how chemistry works.

I'd be much more likely to end up with someone if we just happened to share common interests and enjoyed spending time with each other without any ulterior motives. At that point I might say, 'You know, you're fun to hang around with. Wanna be more than friends?' And if the answer is no, theoretically we would still be friends, because we mesh well regardless.

That's how TS should work. I like your writing, you like my writing, we are not approaching each other specifically with the goal of TS in mind, we just happen to enjoy RPing with each other and chemistry naturally arises between our characters.

Some of my characters end up in relationships, some of them don't. I never set out with the specific goal of getting a character laid. I approach people who seem fun, and if the right chemistry happens, it just does. At that point, and not before, we might start talking about where this is going.

Maybe something like what you're describing would work on an advertised sex-game, like Shang. But on a game that's about more than that, I think that TS should occur as a natural byproduct of organic character interactions, not as a main goal.

Maybe I'm alone in that. But I doubt I'd feel comfortable playing on a game that had that kind of code, and if I did play it, I'd have my preferences set as a default to 'no'. I'd be insulted if anyone approached any one of my characters with the specific goal to e-bang. I put effort into their backstories. They're more than a piece of meat, yanno?

@ashen-shugar said in Let's talk about TS.:

music

That was so beautiful, I shed a single manly tear.

@mietze said in Let's talk about TS.:

Another hard note for me is someone who is constantly complaining about their other RP partners. Especially if its accompanied by "you are the nicest and the only one who understands." Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

I don't understand this.

If you're willing to bitch and gossip to me about other people, how am I supposed to trust that you aren't going to run off and do exactly the same about me?

@theonceler said in Let's talk about TS.:

I was really hoping this thread would be about more words for weiners, because I'm honestly stumped.

Try 'his tumescent mushroom cloud of unyielding flesh'.

@arkandel said in Let's talk about TS.:

@ganymede said in Let's talk about TS.:

For you, this may be the case, but it's not the same for everyone. Hence, the part where I said that you should set up clear boundaries and then expectations.

This takes all of 5 minutes, and saves you a whole lot of later stress, presuming your partner isn't lying. Then you have a difference issue entirely.

I suspect you're right. It's just tricky to start a conversation like "Hey, so just because my character is banging yours it doesn't mean other characters of mine won't bang other people" without feeling like I'm basically insulting the other person.

I mean, again, this is an issue which I feel is their problem, not yours.

I've never made it a point to tell anyone that TS doesn't make me their virtual property. That to me does seem like a given. And if to them it isn't a given, I would expect it to be their responsibility to bring it up. If they don't, they don't have a right to get mad at me afterwards when they realise that this is totally not my kink.

@sunny said in Let's talk about TS.:

When I say that I want to not talk about me or the person behind the other character (save to avoid things that might upset/trigger/whatnot the other person), that should be respected.

Dear lord, thank you for saying it.

Perhaps this makes me antisocial, but I do not log on to pretendy-fun-times to talk about RL. Nothing makes me run for the hills faster than a RP partner who feels that our RP entitles them to be all up in my OOC business. Especially after I've made it a point to politely inform them that I'm not here for that.

To everyone who misunderstood @sunny: this is my squick. My boundary. My expectation to keep things IC as much as possible.

Approaching TS (along with other kinds of RP that I know can make people uncomfortable, like gore/torture) I always make it a point to talk to people about their limits, reassure them that we can fade/stop/dial-down at any time if they become uncomfortable, and so on. When asked about my limits, my usual response is that I'm mostly OK with anything [insert exceptions], but would like to keep it IC as much as possible.

That should be respected. That is my boundary. I've had people lose their shit about me refusing to talk at length about my character, my life, and so on. In fact I once told someone that I have anxiety issues, which they were exacerbating, and that I want to stop talking to them – to which they responded by getting increasingly angry that I was 'ignoring them' and 'refusing to communicate'.

All I wanted from this person was to be left alone. And when I've stated that, it should not be a debating point.

@arkandel said in Let's talk about TS.:

@kestrel said in Let's talk about TS.:

In my experience I'm almost alone in this within the MU* community (or maybe alone in being honest about this?) but most of my RL partners have been fully aware of my text-hobby and would consider TS cheating.

What you probably never want to do is be on the flipside of that.

In the late 90s I had an IC relationship with someone's RL wife who was also playing on the MUD, and he was having TS as well... until his regular partner dumped his character. Things went poorly after that, and in fact it was one of the few instances of real drama I ever encountered. This was beyond my control, and it's even arguable communication wouldn't have helped as by the time anyone (including my own IC partner) was aware there was a problem it was too late to resolve it or salvage a lot of ongoing RP which ended up having to be basically scrapped.

On every occasion when someone disrespected my request (e.g. attempted to initiate sexy stuff after I'd specifically said I wasn't cool with that), it was abundantly clear that they had serious mental health issues and that I should avoid engaging with them regardless, so I wasn't sorry to cut them loose.

What I don't want to communicate is stuff that should be self-evident.

For example there's no such thing as OOC exclusivity, jealousy, any of that. Basically if these things need to be explained then there really won't be a need for them to.

Even my time (and not just for TS) is my own, within limits; sure, if I suddenly stop playing for two weeks I should let people know, but I don't want to explain myself about not logging on one night when I was tired or went to bed early.

All of what you're describing here is something that should be on them, not you. That's what I'm tryna say.

You didn't do anything wrong by e-banging someone's wife. She (and her husband) did something wrong by not communicating properly between themselves and declaring their own boundaries to you.

As you say, communication probably wouldn't have helped — on your side. Because you already did your part; the problem was that they didn't do theirs.

Because I respect my RL partners, I communicate to my RP partners upfront that I'm in a committed relationship IRL and don't want to do anything to jeopardise that, including TS. So I do my part.

And that's all you can do: your part. It certainly helps to ask the other person where their comfort zone lies, but anything beyond that (e.g., them not being honest) isn't your concern.

I agree with almost everything @Ganymede said above. This shouldn't be rocket-science.

In my experience I'm almost alone in this within the MU* community (or maybe alone in being honest about this?) but most of my RL partners have been fully aware of my text-hobby and would consider TS cheating. So if I'm seeing someone, I usually let people know upfront, 'Hey I'm down for anything but no sexytimes please.' The people who are worth RPing with have always respected that, even if we'd TSed in the past. I've had one person say to me, 'Hey I respect your choice and understand your reasoning but sexual scenarios are mostly inevitable in this particular storyline, so I think you would be a bad fit for it.' I was fine with that too. On every occasion when someone disrespected my request (e.g. attempted to initiate sexy stuff after I'd specifically said I wasn't cool with that), it was abundantly clear that they had serious mental health issues and that I should avoid engaging with them regardless, so I wasn't sorry to cut them loose.

Don't make it taboo. Don't make it awkward. If you're old enough to write about sex, you should be old enough to talk about it like an adult.

If you've clearly communicated your limits and expectations but your partner still opts to disrespect them, that's on them, not you. And this is a separate discussion to be had about consent, respect and entitlement.