Posts made by mietze

It depends on the game and the context.

Yes, I have, for highly structured things like "Meet your Covenant/Clan people!" especially on smallish games (or small clan/covs). Or interest groups. In a larger context (a whole sphere or giant ass plot scene) it's been hit or miss. I tend to clam up/freeze up in large scenes, but what they are valuable for to me is to take note of others who I'm interested in and would like to tag for later. I have even paged folks with "Hey, I tend to feel a little frazzled in large scenes, but your PC would have caught the eye of mine when you talked about liking to knit doilies/your latest research/you love roller derby/I saw that you too are from city/country/timeperiod, would you like to RP in a smaller setting sometime?"

I tend to look at wikis /after/ I play with people rather than before, but I think it's because wiki still feels new-ish to me. I also look at the wanted boards and sometimes even if I'm not their wanted type of PC if it looks like it'd dovetail well with mine or someone I know, I will reach out to people about RP based on that too. (Or hook them in to PCs I know also love the things they love, even if I don't).

I think ultimately what tends to get me the most new RP connections is personal outreach. It's a lot of asks though. So I go in cycles where I need to take a break from it because you wouldn't think it would be hard but it sort of is on a personal level (even though the reception is almost always positive).

Sometimes I'll ask on pub if it's a place where that's a good way to get a scene. Though I think in recent memory the only place that has been relatively easy to do that with has been BITN, especially if you're a new PC--most of the time people get crickets, not because people don't want to play with them personally I don't think, but just because who is on doesn't mean RPable and they may not see it while they're idling or they're unsure when the ask happened.

So what I do when I'm looking or pickup RP is to reach out to others who are looking for scenes, even if it's been awhile since they asked. On pub/smaller channels, whatever. If I have an established PCs i'll ping friends too, probably first. Or I put myself in a public location and broadcast I'm doing so with an open invite to anyone who wants to stop by, as long as I'm in there, is welcome to join me at any time. I've actually found /that/ gets more shy nibbles/show ups than asking on chan. I'm not sure why. Has anyone else found this to be the case?

Also, if I've got research or plot tidbits to share, I disclose that too. I think it helps that usually I have social or flexible PCs.

I don't count prearranged stuff as finding RP necessarily because that's already found me.

@Derp said in RL Anger:

@Arkandel - At least you don't quite jump on the hate-wagon. I even said that it's probably a legit reaction, several times over, but that it's simply not the reaction that I would have personally chosen to apply, because I tend to think in a different way, and that -potentially- there is another valid way to look at it. Why is that so wrong?

I don't hate you, I just think you're being an ass towards me. If you want to not be perceived that way, perhaps throwing in the "adulting" shit at someone isn't the way to do that. Since you know, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And up until you tossed that garbage my way, I was owning MY reaction to stuff.

Have a different perspective. If you would be totally fine with someone who knew you for 1 week when you were 12 telling you all that shit and showing up somewhere when it was clear they were not welcome and needed an appointment, then that's your right. I would worry about you though, because I don't think that's very safe to be "okay" with or to be more worried about the other guy's perspective.

Also, 1 of my friends who was assaulted, and those robberies and rapes that happen that I know about in my professional community? They do/have happened to men too. I don't know a single LMP male or female that would not be freaked out by what happened to me, because of that, and because yes. /Objectively/ it is /weird/.

Also to be clear: this person is not an ex. We met when I was 12, at a week long summer camp, and he was 17. I exchanged 2 or 3 letters with him--and then had no contact written or otherwise for..30 years.

Also, what part of my reaction isn't part of the real world of adulting? I've owned my own practice for 3 years, asshole. During that time, I know personally 3 practioner a who have been assaulted/robbed. There are every few years serial rapists who target massage therapists because of the evening/weekend hours. It is why while we are considered medical practioners in my state solo practioners in particular are encouraged to have some way to screen first time clients and we retain more right refusal. I can (and have) kicked someone's ass out of my business mid-session because of their boundary violating behavior (they kept trying to brush against my thighs even after I told them to stop--but you know maybe after multiple times it was accidental, I hope they didn't think I was saying they're a bad guy)

If you called a mechanic, and asked them for an appointment for a tune up, and they said they were not able to take you as a client at the time, would you think it appropriate to drive over anyway a few weeks later and poke around asking what a specific mechanic was up to and trying to enter the business beyond opening hours to see if you could meet up with them? I don't think most bad or good guys would really think that was normal, or not odd and weird.

I guess I don't adult well though.

Maybe it makes it more believable this is a creepy situation that my therapist/psychologist suitemate had her alarm bells triggered interacting with this guy without knowing the background? Though she is a woman. So probably just as incompetent as me at assessing threat levels.

Anyway. Wanna know why these situations are so stressful and why a lot of women don't trust their gut or feel like then should? Why reactions just like @Derp's. Hey he was nice and said he wasn't accessing me of /lying/ at least.

Most people who commit workplace violence or even rape actually are not perceived as "bad dudes" either. Many women are reluctant to tell men when attention is unwelcome or inappropriate because how dare they even consider making a guy rhink he's acting like a creep because what if he's "really not?" Be a good girl and enjoy the attention and him a chance.

It's just so important tha people who violate boundaries of behavior are given chances and the people who have to deal with them should just be careful to not make those folks feel bad.

God, @Derp.

Having had to get order of protection before it's not usually granted for people who show up at a business and send an email with no threat in it. You only have to pay $200 to get your ccw in my state (I have the license) but given the nature of my work, it's fairly useless in this regard. I did think about it setting up my practice as well as talking to many many others. It's comforting to think of cowboy ing up but to be brutally honest to creates more issues than it solves.

And having grown up comfortable with/around guns I'm not stupid enough to view them as a safety blanket, especially as a woman. But yeah, that's a common response to, to this work environment. Get a ccw, you'll be/feel safer. Except for you won't be.

I mentioned women because yes, on the surface maybe a lot of people might think Awww what a nice/special thing, but I think it's mostly other women that might feel that twinge of assault alert if it actually happens to them. Maybe guys would feel scared in that way though, dunno.

And yeah, it's the couple of requests that are denied followed by weird visit that freaked out my suite mate where he refused to give his name and made her feel uncomfortable enough that she warned me in a email about some stranger looking/asking about me, and then this final letter last night revealing his identity.

Though in my case this would be showing up with all that stuff after 30 years. In case anyone was wondering, it's not romantic. I get FB messaged from old boyfriends now and then (it is a thing that people look up people they used to feel attached to, I've reconnected with a couple of junior high besties who have become solid friends again).

But something about this really creeps me out. still feel disturbed.

First real weird as in scaring me potential client contact. There seemed to be something off about the appointment request so I declined it. Then I got a message from one of my suite mates that there was a guy that came in asking about me (we are all appointment only) who also set off her red flag. But hadn't heard anything more until another appt request tonight where he disclosed he was this guy I met at a summer camp when I was 12 and he was 17, and he looked me up every few years and finally found me and wondered if I was that person (I am). My profession means I work a lot if evenings and weekends alone.

I think a lot of women understand why I feel a little sick. And if you're ever tempted to see an "old flame" who was the "most beautiful girl I'd ever met" and is the most wonderful memory all these years...sometimes it's kind of scary when you say that after all those other actions.

And as a cherry on top a player whose a hot mess of boundary violations and who made my life hell on a game for months and spread the toxin elsewhere is once more part of something that looks like us going to be pretty ICly/oocly antagonistic at a place I like.

I have the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I shower after workouts always and once a day, usually, no matter what. Showering multiple times a day every day seems like it would strip your skin depending on the soap you used.

Of course I hit the sauna a lot and go for full sadistic Korean auntie scrub down every 6 weeks. I think both just kind of make you feel cleaner (and certainly give you fantastic skin) from the inside out.

I interned in public health and did a semester volunteering at the necropsy lab at the vet school while getting my bachelors degree. I think between that and children and gamer teens I'm immune to most human smells. Ironically I can deal with/adjust to bo and ass/old diseased fish stick smell or cat piss/anal glands problem a lot more than people (be they college kids on rush week or old southern ladies with their sense of smell not being what it used to) dousing themselves in perfume/cologne. There's something in that that gives me insta-migraine and nausea, esp if doesn't work with their body chemistry or they're using it to cover up body odor.

You didn't say that @Ganymede .

I'm referring to @Derp's

"At the end of the day, as shitty as this may sound, if you are in a group that you feel deserves equal attention and recognition? The way you get that is by getting the people in the majority (or, you know, the ones with the proverbial boot on your neck, or whatever) on your side, so that they can help to enact the changes you wish to see. Not by pissing them off and asserting you don't need them to understand, or agree. Because that will get you a kneejerk response that is basically the opposite of the goal you are seeking."

I do agree though that there is always a certain element of "make me" involved in political change, at least in the US. It doesn't have to be violent make me--but there does need to be some sort of staying power and risk other than whining about "well I VOTED for it this one time, omg it didn't happen right away, it's useless." Not only do you have to speak out/do petitions/beg people "not on your side" to coax them sweetly to your own apparently, but you also do need to be prepared for personal risk and violence against your person/family/community.

I think changes happen superficially more quickly now that we are kind of in a post-hierarchical society (or one in which strict hierarchy is crumbling, I'm not convinced we're post- it yet), and that has implications from government to parenting to just social structure in general. But wanting to affect change frankly is a lot of work. Boring work too. Paperwork. Showing up. Dealing with asshats who are like "omfg you didn't use the right words to make me feel good even though I would have agreed with you probably otherwise, say it again more correctly you stupid racial/gender/sexual-slur and be respectful!". Because yeah, you're going to have to deal with more of those than you will people who want to beat you down in the street (because most people aren't going to get up off their ass to do that really).

But still. I mean, I am watching this happen somewhat within my political party. SO many people freaking out and whining about needing to spend 10 hours at a caucus. Yes, it's annoying as fuck. However, when things are put on by volunteers at the local level, if you want things to change well get up off your ass and help! Help others who have the time, if you don't. Get in the face of the party platform decisions (in my state a lot of that happens online). If you're too poor to afford making it to the next delegate level but you have the time, then say that--so that those of us who don't have the time but do have the $$ can send you there. Or cheer you on and publicize you if we have neither.

It's hard fucking work. If someone needs to be wined and dined in order to "come over" then honestly, just be polite and then leave them alone. Theyre' not worth the energy that could be expended elsewhere--work on the people that are actually wanting to make an effort too. There are lots of those guys and gals too.

Yes. Absolutely, the reason the civil rights movement has made any steps at all is to be sweet and honeyed and thus win over the vast majority of people to their cause. That is how miscegenation laws were outlawed, how for a time there were voter protection laws, how non discrimination laws became enforceable, ect.

I guess it is possible to laugh and cry at the same time.

Also a lot of MLK's activities have been, to use a crappy term, whitewashed. He was decidedly NOT a honeyed sort of man. We like to kind of reremember him as such, but--not so.

I think this may end up eventually becoming a possibility as it becomes more and more impossible to truly "pull oneself up by the bootstraps" and in addition I notice that despair over that reality is starting to creep in to even the people who need/want to believe in it most fervently.

I think however, it's best combined with single payer health care. Because until that has gotten under control, I'm not sure lifting up everyone to a basic standard of guaranteed income would help those that it really needs to help--they tend to be the most sick, disabled, ect who accrue a huge amount of expense because they cannot afford to get care until it's truly catastrophic.

But i do think things will have to get significantly worse. I think we're headed down that path (of things getting worse). It makes me sick, frankly, but I'm doing what I can to at least hopefully support people who can be ready to get us to UBI/UHC when we're ready for it. Or even before. I'd love to not be right.

Most of my extended family is of the folks who really need and want to believe that "anyone can make it rich," and "everyone who needs any kind of government assistance or programs, including public school, publically funded highways, anything where my money doesn't always go 100 percent back into helping me personally--is a total scum-sucking loser who should be drug tested...oh, except for me when I've had to go on assistance/the coal industry consolidated/local economy collapsed/I got cancer without insurance so went on medicaid/I went into the military as a career so have never had to pay a dime for health insurance/care or much in the way of housing until I retired) But frankly, even some of them are having oh shit moments.

Right now they're blaming it on brown and black people and muslims, but even some of that is starting to fade.

Believe it or not, that's pretty tame compared to the subset I was part of from around 8ish until 24.

There are many, many frightening communities preaching stuff like that or worse out there. What makes me angriest is often the most vocal adherents are not men or women raised in it, but those who adopt it later in life in response to fear/need for control and then cripple their children with it.

Sciatica sucks. I've only experienced it pregnancy related (which resolves once I'm not), but I do help treat it a lot. Most of my clients do need a range of things or to try a ton of stuff before they get it truly resolved.

And yes, absolutely I speak to my sons about this too--not necessarily about women per se as much, but my expectations of how they treat other people while gaming, ect. They know that there will be hell to pay if I ever find them ganging up and harassing or bullying anyone whether it's in Xbox live or the Magic mini tournament. Trash talk is okay, but there is a line and we talk about that a lot. How to spot when you've crossed that for someone else. Places I don't care if that's where everyone goes I expect that you do not (rape threats, calling someone by racist or homophobic slurs, threatening to harm anyone or their loved ones).

People think that this should be innate understanding, I'm not sure it is. But that's why we talk about it, why I'm not afraid to speak up if I hear any of my kids totally trashing someone no matter what gender they are, and I will step in if I hear one of their friends calling people "faggot" or "nigger" over the Xbox. (They don't have headsets).

So I am trying to do my part too in the next generation. But god it is so hard to see what is out there still happening with /adults/ who really have no excuse at all.

Would you really stand up for the 13 year old especially? How would you spot her? As was said to me in "defense" when I ripped a man a new one who was making my daughter uncomfortable "how was I to know she's 12, mom? She's tall and has tits".

Because what do you expect, dressing up at a con. Grow a thicker skin if you make that comment, boys will be boys, rape threats from Internet strangers aren't real threats, don't be such a pussy. What do you expect, wearing that women's cut mine craft shirt to the game store with all these guys around? You sure you want to make a fuss, why don't you just try to enjoy yourself at the rest of con. Maybe your kid shouldn't dress up as her favorite anime character until she's legal. So and so is such a great guy, you must have totally misinterpreted what he said--he probably meant it as a complement.

It is really really hard sometimes to raise happy, confident, street smart geeky kids. I wasn't prepared for the amount of fear and rage I would experience as a geek mom, with kids following in my footsteps. I don't want to infect any of my children with fear. I'm trying to give them the experience and guided freedom to be able to pick out men and women in any crowd who could help them if they felt unsafe and I wasn't there. I want me kid to find you and your friends @Arkandel, when she or he is in an uncomfortable situation and needs safe people near. But my god it is hard trying to explain how difficult it is to try give pointers on how to spot this going on if you can't see it. I don't know.

I find the gaming store scenario believable. In part because I've heard very similar comments. But also, and this is what makes me so angry--frankly, because my 14 year old has been a gaming fan and geek for years, and I've seen how people have treated her from the time she was 11 and getting into cosplay, and later on in gaming community commentary. When your daughter shows you an email full of disgusting threats and things someone wants to do to her that she doesn't even /know what they are/ because they disagree with her on how a game should have ended or wanting to see more "normal girl" character options, when you find yourself steering her away from certain cons or having to double think about cosplay stuff, because you know what's out there...

It's nice that some people can't even fucking imagine anyone saying "if she bleeds she can breed" grossness to a 13 year old. I'm going to guess though that /you don't have one/. Well, I can't not fucking imagine it, because I've seen many things like it. Directed at mine, and her friends, and at other slightly older but still very young kids in "gamer geek territory" and outside it. And fuck yes the mama bear comes right the fuck out. (And I research any new place like whoa before we do). I /envy/ you if you can't imagine it.

I have not experienced the same online (though I know of others that have). For me anyway, while I may be very hurt by actions by someone I considered a friend, I'm also more confident at just turning the machine off, not responding on skype/email, ect. And as others have mentioned, it's easy to find a large female population on MUSHes. I've said many times, that one of the biggest things I love about MUSHing is the large community of other women around my age where I don't have to worry about this nonsense with. And at the very least, at least there I can just turn off the machine, and be pissed off for awhile and calm down before then filing a complaint (or just leaving altogether if I know it will be blown off), rather than having to then be hopped up on adrenaline with my car key prongs stuck outward between my fingers as I go alternative routes back to my car.