When I was in first grade (Catholic school, yo!) I was a year younger than everyone and at that age there are a million ways fellow students and teachers find to rub that in. I was a "baby" I wasn't "old enough" to do other stuff, etc. We had our math class with the second grade teacher, who everyone adored, and she put up a big chart with everyone's names and when you lost a tooth, a big gold star went up there.
Naturally everyone had two or three up there but me. I was the only kid that did not have a big gold star because none of my teeth had even gotten loose yet and I got tormented about it whenever we went into the classroom. So one day I decided that the (small) gap between my front teeth counted as me losing a tooth. So I went up to her and pointed to it and said that a tooth had been there but now it had fallen out so I deserved a gold star. After asking me a couple of times if I was SURE I had lost a tooth (I was SO SURE!) she put a star up and, like a moron, my 5 year old self goes home all excited and tells my mom I got a gold star because I lost a tooth!
Except I clearly hadn't, so my mom made me write an apology note about how I was sorry I lied, but I had not really lost a tooth. She sent me to school with it under strict instruction to get it signed by the teacher after she had read it. So that day, before I went home, in my best printing, I signed "Missus Lynch" and brought it home.
But there was no getting it past my mother, who asked me several times if I had gotten Mrs. Lynch to sign the confession ("Yes mommy! See?!") before dropping the fucking bomb that teachers wrote in cursive and had first names. I broke the fuck down sobbing and begged and pleaded, but she made me take the letter in the next day, now with an added explanation about how I forged her name, and with my mom holding my hand, I had to confess to the teacher.
I cried my little eyes out about how sorry I was but I just really wanted a gold star and everyone else had one and it wasn't fair! Thankfully the teacher was SUPER nice and she decided that I could keep the gold star up there since I'd told the truth (eventually) and she signed the note and gave it to my mom, telling her to keep it because it was a hilarious story that one day I'd appreciate.
Later on when I actually DID have a loose tooth I was the fucking Queen of First Grade and EVERYONE wanted to be there when it fell out--which it did during lunch one day. I still remember Phillip Burns asking me why I didn't get another gold star up on the chart since I lost "another" tooth, and I stood up, put my hands on my hips and proudly announced, "Because I LIED!"
My mom still has the note.
