Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff
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@Selira You won't get it if you don't try. Go for it. I know you aren't really asking for votes, but you were reached out to. That's a huge thing and GO YOU for that step. You got this. If nothing else, it will make it easier to take the next risk.
I'm sending all good thoughts.
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I'm hitting a hormonal low because I've missed my twice weekly dose two days in a row.
I'm exhausted, I'm frightened, and I'm miserable. My therapy is heading in a direction I don't want it to go; I'm incapable of meeting the basic demands of my job; and I'm increasingly paralyzed by my anxiety.
I am so scared, all the time. I just wish I could focus on one thing. Transitioning, or my mental health, or my job.
I want to give up and go on disability.
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I feel this hard rn.
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cw: sexual assault
I've been preparing myself for the last couple of months to do something for myself, something that I feel strongly will help me heal from literally years of carrying around trauma and going through therapy.
I'm going to name the person who assaulted me in a public forum, where people we mutually knew will be able to see it.
I've thought long and hard about it. I've talked with my therapist about it, at length. I've talked to trusted friends who knew me from that time as well as more recently. It's like a weight that I've carried all my life, and I'm always going to carry it, but I've decided that it doesn't have to be so heavy. I'm not doing it to get back at him in any way, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because I want to put the facts in front of people we both know, and let them deal with their own responses to it. It's time for other people to sit with these facts and decide how they feel about it.
I've braced myself for what may come. Hopefully, people will believe me. It's probable that they won't. I'm not going to be the first woman who has named her assaulter only to not be believed. I feel I've prepared myself to that. And if there's no response from anyone at all? I'm prepared - I'm okay with that, too. Because I will have done everything I can at this point in my life to free myself of the weight. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding something anymore, and I don't have protect him out of some misguided belief that I'm making things easier for others by doing so. I'm not doing this for others, I'm doing this for me.
"If you stand for nothing Burr, what will you fall for?"
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@Cupcake said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
I'm not doing this for others, I'm doing this for me.
And I'm behind you on the choice, if that means anything to you.
“It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like.” -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo.
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Sending good thoughts your way. I have a great deal of admiration for your bravery in taking this step to take care of yourself, however hard it is. Thank you for taking care of you.
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@Ganymede Thank you. It's a little sad to realize that I was genuinely surprised by the fact that everyone I've spoken about this decision to thus far has given complete support in favor of it, and I am very, very grateful.
I've made a lot of choices in my life where I've felt that the only way to gain love and acceptance was to take on the weight of suffering rather than inconveniencing others. Trying to do that breeds resentment, resentment leads to snapping under the tension of it, and Yoda and so forth.
The current action plan is to write a draft and review it with my therapist before posting anything.
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@Cupcake I don't know you, but I'm totally behind you and believe you. I was there a year ago.
I am hoping this heals you.
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Live your truth. All of it. I'm behind you.
Living someone else's lie just smothers your light. It gives the power of control still over you by what you are not saying. You have a RIGHT to your truth. You have a RIGHT to burn your own flames and be the light you need to be. Moreover, you have the RIGHT to take back your power and your feeling of piloting your own life.
You got this.
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If it's scary and there are people who don't believe you, just know that for every person who doesn't there are a whole bunch of people out here who do.
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OMFG my state is apparently stupid.
Got three letters from the state tax office today, claiming I owe business taxes for three years.
They are basing the amount owed...
...on my husband's income. Not mine.
As in, they want business taxes from me based on my husband's already normally taxed income -- and he works out of state, so he pays income tax to both our state and the one he works in already.
And they want shit-tons of fees.
We have our taxes professionally prepared to conform to all the technicalities just like this. (Irony: some years, that costs more than my income for that year... even is.)
So I get to spend the morning calling and yelling at people, then calling our tax lady over at H&R Block to yell at them even more and doubtless sic their legal team on this idiot's ass.
Bonus irony: up to $1000/year of 'craft work' profits are not even subject to tax in my state. With the major depression and inability to work for the past three years, uh, yeah. I haven't even made that $1k/year. I might maybe have hit $1k for those three years combined.
There's gonna be yelling. A lot of lispy Sylvester-the-Cat stupid spluttery yelling, thanks to the teeth from hell, but they're not going to stop me from the yelling, nope.
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Good news:
Bad news:
I dunno what's been making me so sick the past week.Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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@Auspice said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
Good news:
Bad news:
I dunno what's been making me so sick the past week.Allergies? Non-COVID flu?
Racism isn't Tinkerbell. It doesn't need you to believe in it for it to exist.
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@Derp said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
@Auspice said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
Good news:
Bad news:
I dunno what's been making me so sick the past week.Allergies? Non-COVID flu?
I don't think it's allergies. I haven't been congested at all. Just feverish, exhausted/bodyaches, coughing, and I can't fucking breathe (but inhaler isn't really helping).
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
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There are false negatives. If the difficulty in breathing keeps up, go to a hospital anyway.
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I am hitting the limits to bursting. I'm stressed out, and depressed and keep bursting into tears. And I feel trapped.
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@Macha said in Health and Wealth and GrownUp Stuff:
I am hitting the limits to bursting. I'm stressed out, and depressed and keep bursting into tears. And I feel trapped.
Times are very tough right now with things pushing at you from many different directions but if possible, try to take a step back. Breathing exercises and meditation could help alleviate some that stress and pressure. Also remember that you have your friends and family, talk to them and cherish them, know that they are what is important in life. This will pass and there are others that can help you as it does.
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@Macha The only real advice I've got may or may not be helpful. I just know it's what often helps me when the pressure overwhelms. (I emotionally process things 'properly' somewhat slowly, and that's hard when there's pressure and stress, especially when the pressure and stress are compounding. It's hard to not just spiral into dwelling on the bad/misery/impending doom once the emotional processing door is flung open as 'what to focus on'. This helps buy me time, and omfg that helps.)
I try to force a sort of 'mental break from the problem'. Often enough, this is some craft project or another. (Stress: that time when there are 20 different projects started in totally different media all over my studio/office; the struggle is real.)
It's not 'pick up something previously started and work on finishing it', though I know some people that works for brilliantly. (Sense of 'solved an unfinished problem' accomplishment, not to be underestimated ever. Even if the project isn't something you consciously consider 'a problem' -- most of us don't -- it's the same feel.)
I'll look for something I already know how to do reliably well, even if I haven't done it forever, and pick up something with two key factors: a new element in it to learn (keep it interesting, present myself with a relatively minor and conquerable challenge), and small enough to reasonably complete without it becoming a dramatic slog. (I am super bad at the last half there, like... so bad. Hilariously fail bad. Still, it is an important thing to consider.)
Shift focus to working on that as much as you feasibly can without shirking whatever RL you do need to manage. Learning the new element will absolutely help keep your mind less inclined to wander than simply revisiting something you already know well without it. And, yep, the new thing should be relatively minor: if you pick a whole new medium(1) you run the risk of it not clicking at all and then the bad feels crawl in right when they're least welcome.
While it's good to pick something you can reasonably finish for accomplishment factor, don't beat yourself up if you leave it hanging. The project isn't really the point. It's there to create mental breathing room for you, and if it pulls that off, it did its job.
- Medium can be literally anything here. Paint, draw, sew, write, compose poems, sing, dance, code... it really can be pretty much anything, provided that thing is not more stress than enjoyment for you on any given day.
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@KDraygo I'm in a stupid training, going over shit I've known for months, forced into a position for my job that I DO NOT WANT. But she keeps randomly calling on people, so I can't walk away, either.
Family. Yeaaaaaaah that only makes it worse. My stepmonster has made it clear I'm no longer family since my father is gone.
Just feeling so alone and isolated, and hitting my limits.
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I hate the feeling of overwhelming dread that makes me just want to run far far away in my interactions with people RL or online. For me this external stress is really starting to manifest as feeling like I should apologize for my existence because everyone is annoyed with me and wants me to go away, which very very easily leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm sad that this is happening just as inertia seemed to be wearing off but I think I'm also supremely burnt out and stressed AF at work, and even more aggravating it is happening at a time when things are /improving/ at least demand wise. Hopefully memorial day will help, but I think I'm just going to have to suppress rabid brain weasels as far as who is mad at me for what in basically all parts of my life/how much awfulness I can expect until July when I will be able to take a significant chunk of time in vacation. It's pretty gross to feel this way, and even more important to not put it on anyone else in my life. I had thought even about talking to the doc again about meds (I have taken them with huge success for other major depressions and then just weaned off afterwards) but then I realized it's not like they are going to help since probably 90 percent of this is situational, and just is not going to get super better until I have a chance to destress from work.
