Feb 6, 2017, 6:10 AM

It's almost bitter, I suppose. As @Cupcake said, revelation would suffice, but when you look back at things you said or did, how you acted, there is almost a bitterness or resentfulness at how you acted. Or shame. And I know, were this the same Monogram from three weeks ago, he wouldn't be able to shake it. Griped and held by it. Instead, I find myself trying to find some way to fix it, or at least, try to apologize.

It's harder in the MU world. Because, at least in my opinion, it's so hard to come back once word gets out that this person is 'trouble' or 'toxic' or 'creepy' or whatever other negative adjective you want to place. And when I look back on myself, I would put a label on myself. Probably 'weird' or 'erratic'. And you feel almost kind of obligated to try explain that wasn't you. Or well, it was, but a damaged version. I don't know if that makes it any better.

My therapist has made a good analogy. You have certain pillars. Wants and Needs, with the latter being the stronger emotionally-bound. And I have to move my hobby of MUing(that I was using almost as a form of self-medication)from a Need to Want. As if to say "I would like to RP, but I don't /need/ to RP."

In the end, when it comes to the people that I've hurt or have stepped back due to how I've acted, my friend said it best. "They can either understand what you've been going through, or they can fuck off, because they're probably not friends worth having." Part of me thinks that a bit extreme, but maybe it's warranted. It doesn't mean I'm not sorry for how I was. I am, but as opposed to previous Monogram, he won't be beholden to that guilt. I have to learn to move on, even if I find myself held at arm's reach.