Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff
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It's almost bitter, I suppose. As @Cupcake said, revelation would suffice, but when you look back at things you said or did, how you acted, there is almost a bitterness or resentfulness at how you acted. Or shame. And I know, were this the same Monogram from three weeks ago, he wouldn't be able to shake it. Griped and held by it. Instead, I find myself trying to find some way to fix it, or at least, try to apologize.
It's harder in the MU world. Because, at least in my opinion, it's so hard to come back once word gets out that this person is 'trouble' or 'toxic' or 'creepy' or whatever other negative adjective you want to place. And when I look back on myself, I would put a label on myself. Probably 'weird' or 'erratic'. And you feel almost kind of obligated to try explain that wasn't you. Or well, it was, but a damaged version. I don't know if that makes it any better.
My therapist has made a good analogy. You have certain pillars. Wants and Needs, with the latter being the stronger emotionally-bound. And I have to move my hobby of MUing(that I was using almost as a form of self-medication)from a Need to Want. As if to say "I would like to RP, but I don't /need/ to RP."
In the end, when it comes to the people that I've hurt or have stepped back due to how I've acted, my friend said it best. "They can either understand what you've been going through, or they can fuck off, because they're probably not friends worth having." Part of me thinks that a bit extreme, but maybe it's warranted. It doesn't mean I'm not sorry for how I was. I am, but as opposed to previous Monogram, he won't be beholden to that guilt. I have to learn to move on, even if I find myself held at arm's reach.
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It's pretty easy to change who you are in MU*dom, @Monogram. Just don't tell anyone who you played before and start fresh with your new outlook and strive to present yourself in a positive manner. There is no need to tell anyone who you played or who you were. I'd guess that a majority of us were asshats during at least some point of our past.
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@Admiral In this case, he would have to drop current characters in order to do that. Characters that, I think, he still has a vested interest in playing. Its not always quite so easy as 'just don't tell people who you are'.
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@Admiral I don't even think you need to do that. I'm pretty sure that most of the people in the community who know me see me as completely different from who I used to be.
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@Cupcake Maybe. I usually do a full wipe every time a new game comes out, myself. Not that I RP much anymore, but still.
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I don't fully agree with the statement if they can't understand or won't fuck off they weren't real friends anyways (paraphrasing).
I have been on both sides of this issue. I have been the person that was like 'whoa dude not okay' and been the one that was told 'whoa dude not okay'. It doesn't mean someone is/was less your friend because they feel for some reason they have to safe guard. It's like a twelve step program. When you did something and go 'fuck I'm sorry' it doesn't mean they have to be 'It's all good man, it's cool". Most will. But it's not the person that was 'wronged' fault if the opinion doesn't change. It doesn't mean they are the bad people either. They have to see the behavior pattern has changed.
Its a step towards mental health to accept what you have done (good or bad) and be okay with what happens. It's not easy. It's completely not easy, but it is a large step towards health.
In MU* world, yeah it's hard to erase what has been said or done. It's like that IRL too, though. Most people, even those still like NOPE, will start to pay attention if the behavior actually alters. We've all gotten apologies from people and they did the exact same thing next week or next month. So just be you, Honey Boo and most will probably see it.
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From my impression of the sort of behavior we're talking about, I think offering honest apologies and acknowledgment of the behavior to the people affected and then just doing your best to walk the walk can go a long way. Don't try to explain the reasons why, the backstory, what you're doing (unless they ask). Just leave it with: "I recognize that the way I was acting before was not cool. I wanted to let you know that I'm taking really conscious steps to change that. I'm really sorry if anything I did hurt you or made you uncomfortable." And then leave it. Most people will see the proof in the pudding if it's there to see. If you give them room to make that decision for themselves, people will feel less pressured and free to make their own decisions.
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Learning to walk away and leave things be has been one of the hardest parts of my own path. I used to push, to keep trying to make things better, because I'd be terrified that if I backed off... they'd never reach out.
And that might happen. Maybe because the friendship was one-sided in the first place. Maybe because whatever happened is utterly irreparable in their eyes.
So I've been learning to walk. To apologize if the air seems right or to just give space if things seem too strained.
Sometimes those folks will never reach out. Sometimes you just have to square up and keep moving forward.
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Double post, but...
I've been hemming and hawing over posting this. I fear the stigma that may come of it. But what if I'm not the only one in this spot? What if, by posting, I can help someone feel like they're not alone?I don't know. I may come back and delete this in a fit of anxious horror in the morning.
I've been on my own mental health path. It hasn't been easy, but it never is. And in all that analyzation and evaluations and so on with doctors, my therapist... I've been told that I'm on the spectrum.
The biggest way this affects my life in the realm of social interactions is... well, I don't get social interactions. Most of what I 'know' is by mimicry. I couldn't explain why we do X or say Y, I just know it's what everyone does. I cannot 'read' tone or body language. I don't always get metaphors and I take most things literally. I'll say things that come across as embarrassing innuendo to everyone else. I've been mocked, in the past, for being "too dumb" to realize someone was insulting me.
There was a mention the other day in... Random Bitching, I think? about how emoticons are often used... sarcastically, was it? That they don't mean what they should when most people use them now. That fucking terrifies me because half the time, the emoticon is the only way I can figure out the intention or tone of something someone's said.
My therapist has been pushing that I need to communicate... my communication issues. That I need to learn to ask people to help me out. Such as clarifying something on the short-term, or say, asking an RL friend to be direct and not rely on subtext or body language. A good example is... If someone tells me 'We'll RP this weekend,' I used to not schedule or engage in any other RP (on that game). Period. I've spent many weekends just waiting around until Monday hits and I finally ask what happened. 'Oh, I had other scenes I had to finish up.' So now, I'll touch base: 'Hey, I know you said we'd RP this weekend. Bob is asking me if I want to RP- will you be available in the next couple hours, or shall I go ahead and RP with him?'
I do it for clarification in-scene, too. 'Hey, did this part of your pose mean X, Y, or something else I'm completely missing?'
I'm getting better at it, but I still get incredibly anxious sometimes. At least online, if an anxiety attack comes along... I can get up, walk away, and recover. Can't do that, IRL Someday I hope to have the anxiety under control enough that I do feel more confident at in-person interactions and asking for clarification when needed.
So there's my bit. The dirty secret I've been holding for over half a year now. I've read back over it and I think... I communicated decently well. I'm going to stop second-guessing it all, hit Submit, and go to bed.
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It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just associate with people who will be tolerant of your quirks. People who you enjoy being around. Not just because 'you want to be around people' but because you genuinely enjoy those specific people's company.
There is no normal. We don't all have to get married, or have kids, or do X and Y. For years I chased after that until I finally figured out who I was and what I really wanted. Knowing that enabled me to act, and for the first time in a long time I can say I don't hate myself.
So... you really need to dig deep and think about what you want. And then focus on getting it. I say this as someone who has the exact opposite symptoms from you but the same problem; I am far, far, far too conscious of the emotions and body language of others and overreact massively to perceived intentions and subtext in what people are saying or doing. It's equally damaging in the social arena.
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Thank you for feeling safe enough for sharing with us. I want you to know that I am touched as I know it is a hard thing; more so if on the spectrum. I also want to commend you for taking a brave step that has to do with anxiety. More importantly, and I want you to read this a few times. --- I do not think less of you.
I want that to sink in and I want you to breathe easy.
I'm going to double post because I want this to be a post all about you and your amazeball to share through such things.
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Double post because I don't want to be like yay you -- so about me in the same post or anything like that. I'm sure y'all understand.
We have a hobby that has a large number of people with mental/physical/emotional issues. I think that most of us when confronted with this knowledge do the whole: "ahhh yeah that makes sense now" sort of moment. I also think that we adjust accordingly when we know.
It is one of those things that still make me sad. It makes me sad that we still worry that we are going to be judged unloved, unwanted or broken because of whatever disorder has hold of our lives. Talking about it and making it personal to someone we know I think is the only way to combat it.
My problems with MU* and my hobby aren't other people, they are my own body. I know that fear of stigma because you don't want to be known by your disability or your struggle. A few years ago (and out of the blue) I was diagnosed with MS. Now, this isn't a mental disorder exactly, but it sort of is. My immune system attacks my nervous system and creates lesions to make it that it doesn't function the same. I don't always know how it's happening or when it's happening. My hands will go numb. I will get so exhausted that I sleep all day (through scheduled events/promised RP/etc), my emotions don't always regulate, I forget things, cognitive functions don't work they right way, I forget words, and forgot how to do things.
I admit that I look like an asshole when I sleep through a scene and people are like where were you? Or if a huge scene is like a person, I might cancel it to go sleep. However, sometimes I know I'd rather look like an ass then a lot of other fear that comes with having a diagnosis of something that cannot be cured. I ask people overly bluntly if I"m being an issue, it's not because I'm needy - it's because I know I can't always self-regulate what's going on. I don't see it until it's pointed out to me. I get panic/anxiety if people won't talk it out with me or just say 'it just is an issue and I won't explain' because then I'm not sure what went wrong. Anxiety also causes relapses - as does when my core gets too warm. So my happiness over stupid cardio is because I can do it without relapse. Though sometimes walking 30 minutes on a treadmill makes me sleep for a day and half.
I think the jest of my post is that a lot of us are still grieving our diagnosis. We have to redefine our real lives and having to redefine our hobby as well, might be a bit too much to admit to. We aren't ready. You do have grief and all the steps when you get a diagnosis of mental health as well as terminal things. You have grief over the life you wanted. So when someone is being a douche or blowing us off or whatever and we are getting legitimately angry and hurt; maybe if we paused more and said 'Hey this is coming off as X is that how you meant it? Or hey you are blowing off a lot of scenes is there something I can do to assist' we might go a lot further as a community. A lot of people are out there struggling with things that others don't know about.
Anyways, I suppose I'm just rambling. Less than 3's to you all.
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@Catsmeow said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
I think the jest of my post is that a lot of us are still grieving our diagnosis. We have to redefine our real lives and having to redefine our hobby as well, might be a bit too much to admit to. We aren't ready. You do have grief and all the steps when you get a diagnosis of mental health as well as terminal things.
I'm still in the grief phase. Not sure when I'm going to hit anger.
Everything is still meh.
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I go back and forth in the phases. In truth, that's how grief process works; sometimes you go back a step. I like the denial step a lot. I'm all like, I can do this. Then I do too much. I like when I"m in the acceptance step.
However, really we are here for you, well I am. So if you need to vent there is a PM button up there. Just let me know first if you want me to listen and shut up, or if you want me to silver line the dark cloud.
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I am still petitioning for an addition of a prequel 'What in the actual fuck just... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!' stage, personally.
Because I waffle between there and grief kinda a lot.
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I get that. I was in the hospital and they were running all these tests. I felt fine and was making jokes with nurses. It was just this weird unexplained thing going on. All my tests came back clear and good. I was just waiting for the neurologist to make his rounds. The nurses had my discharge papers ready and everyone was waiting for me to clear out. In fact, my friend was waiting to drive me home (I was having vision issues).
The doctor walks in and I /knew/ something was wrong. He looks at me and asks "Does lupus run in your family?" Not what we were expecting. Then he nodded his head and said. "Yeah, you are going to have to stay a week. I think you have MS. Tomorrow I need you to have another MRI and a lumbar puncture."
There was just silence in the room after he left as my friend and I looked at each other. It was a definite WTF just happened. The nurses were stunned too. There are moments I still go back to the 'is this really really my reality'?
That's why we talk about things in safe environments and support groups and reach out. So again - My PM box is open. As I like to say -- If you feel like you don't got this, it's okay because we got you.
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@Catsmeow You make a very valid point. And you're right, it doesn't mean that they're bad people. It's always been my belief that we are, dealing with our own problems and there are times where we mess up. I've tried to be very understanding when I'm on the other side of the ball. I'm more willing to forgive people for their mistakes. And now that I can clearly look at my own actions(and really, things for me didn't really start going downhill to the point that I noticed I needed help til November), I see how things I've said or done or acted would be looked at in a 'whoat dude not cool' way. Hell, were it to happen to me now, I'd think that.
Where I'm at now is somewhere between waffling on aplogizing and just letting things be. And letting, or hoping how far I've gotten will show that I'm trying to improve and trying to get better.
For what it's worth, you and @Auspice are badass for talking about the things that you have. That's not easy, so kudos to you both.
For my own part, thank you for people here being supportive. It's been a good outlet to use to talk as I take as much effort as I can to get better myself.
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Not gonna delete the post. But also not gonna lie - I did jump on in a panic of 'oh god is everyone going to tell me that it doesn't matter what's wrong with me that I'm still a bad person for continuing to MU*?'
Anxiety is sometimes the worst. Like, I know some (many?) of us have anxiety plus other things, but I feel even for those with just anxiety. It is a terrible beast.
Thank you, all of you. It's been eating at me to share that because... it's terrifying to share, but I also know (because my therapist has impressed it upon me) that if I do, it may help people to understand. Like 'oh, maybe Auspice wasn't being a dick that day. Maybe she legit couldn't tell I wasn't in a good mood.'
And @Catsmeow - those moments are tough. I'm sorry. But I promise, I can understand the weariness. I've had days here lately where I'll just pass out asleep at random because fibro and insomnia make for exhaustion.
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@Catsmeow said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
However, really we are here for you, well I am. So if you need to vent there is a PM button up there. Just let me know first if you want me to listen and shut up, or if you want me to silver line the dark cloud.
I know people are here to listen, but mine isn't a problem that requires venting. The lack of interest or motivation or enjoyment is simply as it is; I doubt that talking about it here will assist.
I've spoken with two therapists now. None have said anything I was not already aware of. None have given me any advice that I have not already attempted. Both suggested drugs, which I refuse to take due to my past history with drugs and my current profession as an attorney.
I think I may have to accept that cynicism has reared its ugly head.
“It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like.” -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo.
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I'm guessing they recommended drugs in the anti-depressant sense? Because lack of interest/motivation/enjoyment, esp. in things that used to inspire it is practically the #1 symptom of depression.
I am curious and I apologize if I'm crossing a line to ask- how would taking an anti-depressant be an issue for an attorney?
Saying the quiet parts out loud since 1996.
