RL Sads
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A family member died last week. Someone I loved, though wasn't super close to.
I'm struggling to feel anything except guilt that I don't feel anything.
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@Vixanic Delayed reaction is a thing. I go through this anytime anyone dies in my family. Grief is weird, and not immediately being overcome with emotion or even leaking a small tear will make you feel like shit, but you're processing in your own way whether you know it or not. It'll be okay.
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@Vixanic Inability to feel deeply is also one of the hallmarks of depression. Please take care of yourself, and my condolences on your loss.
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I'm facing dropping this semester of college because I just can't do it. I'm emotionally and physically tired due to work most of the time. I'm filling more often because people are constantly sick. I'm already almost failing one of my classes. I've been able to pull back from these types of things, missed assignments, careless mistakes in the past, etc. but this time it's bad.
I know I'm going to owe more money in the end and it's going to take longer, I'm afraid people are going to be disappointed in me, and I'm afraid of what my self-esteem is already like and how this blow will affect it. But I don't think I can do this.
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I took a 3 year long leave of absence from my undergraduate university and ended up becoming an attorney. Take care of yourself. My poor care of my own mental health throughout my twenties has robbed me more than any extended leave of absence ever could. Nobody will judge you for having taken a break in 2020.
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My cousin passed away this morning.
His side of the family enjoyed considerable success. He grew up with my wildly successful aunt, who quite literally cut a bloody path of heads in the Chinese financial world until she made her way to a place near the top of a major multinational bank. He was a successful amateur tennis player and competitive swimmer in his youth, and went to and graduated from Upper Canada College. He later attended school in the UK, and ended up getting a pretty good job in Hong Kong in the financial world.
We were never close, but his mother and I were pretty friendly. We were both the sort of cool-under-the-collar kinds of people with ambitions and odd sensibilities, He got married a couple of years ago into Swedish nobility, but I didn't get to attend his marriage in Tuscany because my kids were just coming of age. I wasn't there when his son was born. The last time I saw him was at an event two years ago, where he came in like a tornado on a red-eye. The term "jet-set playboy" fit him to a T.
This weekend is the Moon Festival. He was vacationing at a resort in Hong Kong -- you can't really leave -- with his wife and child to celebrate it. Early yesterday morning, he was walking with his wife and child-in-stroller when he slipped, lost his balance, and fell off a precipice. He suffered a brain injury and severe internal injuries. The doctors tried to staunch the bleeding, but he succumbed a couple of hours ago.
Success is never a guarantee of immortality, or even a long life. My cousin had a lot of things going for him and his life was heading in a trajectory that many of us admired. But for COVID, I'd be getting a plane ticket and flying out to see my aunt and her family. The most I can do at this time is send an e-mail. My cousin is my father's god-son, and to hear my father brokenly crying on the phone -- he told me he had never felt so weak and helpless in his 80+ years -- was incredibly trying.
Hug your loved ones tight tonight, please.
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Made some amazing brownies. I used the good chocolate.
Lined the pan with wax paper per the instructions.
Paper is stuck to delicious fudgy brownies.
I mean that's not gonna stop me or my kids but-
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Work isn't getting any easier. My school wants their money back because I didn't complete this semester. My RSD is at an all-time high. I'm feeling like I need to take a 'big break from everything' but then I analyze those words and I'm like uh big of a break here are you talkin' chief. I don't know if I need to get back into therapy, get more sunlight, stop drinking so much, get out of this town, whatever. I just know that everything is shitty.
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@SilentHills I know your feeling. My work situation is coconuts right now, and that compared with the seasonal shit is affecting my mental health in ways I won't describe on a public board. I hope things get better for you soon. You're not alone.
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So, my beloved Stitch, who has been having problems, we thought, with his teeth, was discovered to have a tumor under his tongue today. I've been blessed with sixteen years with this adorable, loving, fluffmonster. He's been there for me any time I was sad or sick. He's given me years of feels and laughter and delight. We are probably going to put him down on Friday. My heart is completely broken.
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@AeriaNyx I am really sorry.
He looks like a perfectly happy kitty who's lived a good life. -
@AeriaNyx I am so sorry. Thank you for making the kindest choice for your baby even when it hurts.
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So, my beloved Stitch, who has been having problems, we thought, with his teeth, was discovered to have a tumor under his tongue today. I've been blessed with sixteen years with this adorable, loving, fluffmonster. He's been there for me any time I was sad or sick. He's given me years of feels and laughter and delight. We are probably going to put him down on Friday. My heart is completely broken.
I never comment anymore, but I just wanted to say how much this broke my heart to hear. My big girl is 18, and I worry every single day about her. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, he's a lovely boy and it's obvious you loved him a lot.
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I am so sorry. Every bit of love possible as you go through the grieving process.
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So, talked to the vet today. Have an appointment tomorrow at 10:45 to put our baby to sleep. I haven't cried this much in years. I've had an uncle and a cousin pass in the last 6 months, and this is killing me. My husband is beside himself too. I realized that like... we've had him 16.5 years, which is close to half my freaking life. Like, I've had this cat for the vast majority of my adult years. I laid in the bed next to him and just listened to him purr. I am going to miss that purr.
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The first of what I assume is going to be several music venues in Philadelphia just announced their permanent closure because of the pandemic.
Goddammit.
ETA: I know times are rough and I know there's about eight million different causes to donate to right now, but. If you have a few bucks to spare, consider making a donation or buying some merch from NIVA and their emergency fund initiative.
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This year is the first time in 15 years that I'm not feeding people/hosting friendsgiving. It is too risky for others since eldest will be home from college (I'm more worried about him tbh since his school is phenomenal at keeping everyone safe, but he's still someone who traveled from out of area) and now that I work in child care I'm probably the most risky person for people to be around.
We got a nice turkey, I do have a big household, so I will be able to cook but I can't really think about it for too long or else I get really deeply depressed and teary. Sometimes being an extrovert sucks. We might get to do a turkey dinner porch delivery or two though. In the large scheme of things I know this is a shitty thing to feel so sad about, but.
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If it was anything but 2020, I'd be setting up for the art show we've done since I was in junior high right now.
While this was my one shot for actual income this year, nobody ever makes much at this show. Ultimately, that was never the point.
It was the show 'close enough to the holidays' that all the local artists would gather and mill around and chat and catch up with each other, barter things, and generally remain part of each others' lives, because there were fuck-all in terms of customers through portions of each day.
Many of them are much older than me, and I'm not young any more. A few would just... not be there the next year as it is, and there's less young blood filtering in. I don't really want to think about how many more empty places there will be next year where people with unique voices, visions, and gifts had been this time last year.
It was the two whole days of the year I didn't mind being social.
I had y'all and these people.
But, y'know. It's 2020, and this year couldn't suck more without serious effort.
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@mietze Just so you know, all your Friendsgiving peeps will be thinking about your household (and you) on that day and missing you mightily. You are intensely loved.
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