Dec 4, 2020, 8:17 PM
@Auspice All the hugs.
RL Sads
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@Auspice All the hugs.
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Job hunting in a pandemic. The rejection has been brutal.
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And for a final kick in the teeth, 2020 has decided that four of my family members all need to have COVID at once.
Specifically, the family members out in Ohio that I can't do very much to support or help.
The ones who already lost my aunt after she died rather horribly in part because of neglectful hospice care this summer.
There are not enough swear words for this year.
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So my 2020 has consisted of, more or less in order:
- My aunt getting admitted to hospital on January 1 with no idea who she is, where she was, or who my relatives were
- Said aunt getting diagnosed with a brain tumor... specifically stage 4 glioblastoma
- My brain deciding that this was a good trauma trigger for a past event (I was living with her at the time), so I had a complete mental breakdown which resulted in me being sent home for a week with benzos because I had been having a panic attack for 3 days straight
- Still on meds for that one
- School suspended, and teaching my child with ASD remotely did NOT happen
- Spring break trip for smol human cancelled
- One of my cats died (in April)
- Then my aunt died (a week after my cat)
- My last remaining grandparent had a stroke. On my birthday.
- Summer trip for me and smol human cancelled
- My BIL got COVID
- I forced my friend twice into hospital with suicidal ideation because the first time, they just sent her home with drugs and said 'see you in January'
- Birthday stuff for smol human cancelled
- Christmas stuff cancelled
I think that's been my year-ish...
Oh, I'm also an essential worker in a hospital. The burnout is real. At least I'm not on a COVID ward.
0/10, do not recommend
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I am not a talker to family or friends. Not about me. I spend all of my days making life the best it can be for my kids, wife, and family.
I do good works, I spend a lot of my time leading local BLM rallies, fight racism in deeply racist areas through legal and government work. Heck I spent my stimulus checks on food and give it out to my poor community. I love this life. I love seeing my sons mature and grow. There are friends here I have made RL. Whenever I see someone in need I help. I have always been a good person.
I was sent to Dallas to undergo testing neurological testing all day tomorrow and again Monday. I used to be an MMA fighter in my early days. Not bragging I was terrible and took way more “L’s” the. “W’s”. I just assumed it was getting worse from that and that getting back on a real healthy life kick would solve it.
MRI came back as potentially white matter disease. 6 month to 4 years. My neurologist sent me here because she wanted me to have the best outcomes and wasn’t experienced with someone at forty having the nodules and white matter at the amounts I have in my brain. I am just watching the clock tick by the seconds in dread. I should have told my wife I needed her here. I shouldn’t have played strong. I told her I was okay and we would deal with it as it comes. I feel guilty lying to her. I wanted to cry and scream. I told her basketball coaching was more important and her team is in a playoff run about to lock up with a W tomorrow in their district. And the crap of it is I know I would lie to her again.
Not asking for help or intervention. I just needed it out there. All I can think about is how I don’t want to be a burden on my children or her. I don’t want them to have to see me less than who I have always been. I get that is the wrong way to feel about it. I am smart enough to hear the other side and contemplate it. But that is and never will be me. I fought hard for my life, my successes, and even if it is the worst I know they will want for nothing. My sons each independently will always have a roof over their heads for the rest of their days to fall back on. I worked hard for that and got to the point where I started contemplating retiring at forty-one this year to see the world and doing all the things I dreamed of. We were going to take our sons and start in Croatia and every three months move to a new country for two years to try and find our second home. We decided to work four more years because of Covid.
I am sorry.
Thanks for hearing me out Internet (mostly) strangers. Again not a cry for help but just needed to speak and feel like someone can hear it without repercussions. Lol, I am hoping it is MS.
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@buttercup I'm sorry. I hope you do take some time for yourself. No matter what the diagnosis, it sounds like you could use some decompression.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. We are strangers, but we are also cheering for you.
Is there anything you need from us, or that you feel more comfortable asking us than others?
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@greenflashlight no, but thank you.
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@buttercup I don't know you, but gods I wish I could be there for you. If just to have someone there. I know how scary it can be, waiting for tests.
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@buttercup You've done a lot with your life, and you're a good guy. If you need someone to talk to, I'm around for you.
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@macha thank you.
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@tributary miss your face. Thanks you. I will be ok.
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I wasn't sure if I was going to post here or in critters. We lost our 16 y/o husky yesterday afternoon. I'm heartbroken. I couldn't sleep last night - so I decided to memorialize her in the only way I know. I've debating putting her on something to make a physical keepsake.
RIP Kai. Gone but never forgotten.
No trees were destroyed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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@kumakun I am really sorry.
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@kumakun I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being the best parent to your furbaby that you could be, and for making Kai's life so comfortable and happy.
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Follow up to my last post. It isn't terminal. Traumatic Brain Injury is the diagnosis. Things should get better over time. I went through extensive testing and it came back this way when compared to some of the concussions I've had over the last few years with prior MRIs. I had deployed an airbag this year in an accident and knew I had a concussion but never went in because between MMA in my 20s and youth, a few severe wrecks, etc, I just knew what happened; the white matter spots were against impact points they tracked it back to from injuries and prior MRI's in my 20s and in a severe wreck about 6 years ago.
I will be seeing a TBI specialist but going forward small head injuries are a lot worse for me it seems. Happy I got sent to Dallas because my East Texas area doesn't have concussion experienced TBI intervention and I'm happy I didn't spin the tires fretting so much more here. Looks like I was fretting over death and terminal when it's reversible with time and consideration that my head injury days need to be utterly over.
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This is def not RL sads!
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@ganymede No, you're right. Amazing news for me and my fam. I just didn't know where to put it so replied to my own previous post of concern
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This post is deleted! -
We use a special resorce to report our grades and such since we don't do traditional A,B,C etc. I sent a 'oh god thank you for fixing this' and found out that most of our techs are working in India right now and are really struggling.