I decided to not renew my contract for next year, and instead drop to subbing (I can still work 40 hours a week if I want to, realistically, because the short staff issue isn't going away anytime soon).
I feel guilty because it means we'll have to buy health insurance through the exchange instead of it just coming out of my paycheck. But I just couldn't do it. Too many things were falling through the cracks, and I am so burnt out (and there were some program changes coming next year that like 2 years ago I wouldn't have cared about but it's not 2 years ago right now).
I have destroyed my health in the last 2 years. I have let a lot of things go that I used to maintain a higher standard on. My family has suffered due to my exhaustion and burnout. I kind of wonder if I can ever recover health wise, and if I have any shot I have to have more time to do it.
I'm so tired, guys. It really sucks to have so many people at work say how great I do the job when in fact I know I'm well below my own standard. I can be awesome, which is why it's not total shitshow right now. But I can't keep on destroying myself to deal with the stress. I'm simultaneously relieved but also just feeling like a loser who couldn't hack it. And I know how very privileged I am to be able to consider dropping from full time scheduled hours to subbing.
I love what I do currently. It was my first professional field out of college. But to do it, you can't be a shell of yourself. It's not a hard job but it is high demand. And I've got a lot of other demands in my life that I need to take care of.